Manhattan Infidel

And after six days Barack taketh unto him Joe Biden, Eric Holder and Nancy Pelosi of the nip and tuck, and bringeth them up into a high mountain apart from the rubes:

And he was transfigured before them. And his face did shine as a local Chicago community organizer without a real job or responsibility:  and his garments became a goofy panama hat and goofy wide open collar.

And behold there appeared to them John and Ted Kennedy talking with him.

And Joe Biden answering said to Obama:  Lord Obama, constitutional scholar Obama, greatest intellect of our generation Obama, it is good for us to be here:  if thou wilt, make Marilyn Monroe appear for she is hot!

And as he was yet speaking, behold a bright cloud (though it might have been an explosion caused by a home-made bomb) appeared to them.  And lo, a voice out of the cloud (or home-made bomb), saying:  I am Bill Ayers.  This is my beloved Obama, in whom I am well pleased:  hear ye him.

And Biden, Holder and Nancy of the nip and tuck fell upon their faces, and could not breathe because of the dust particles kicked up from the cloud (or home-made bomb).

And Barack came and touched them but not in a sexual harassment way: and said to them, Arise, and breathe through this inhaler, for it has pure air. 

And lifting up their eyes they saw no one but only Obama.

And as they came down from the expensive and exclusive private club on the mountain, Barack charged them,, saying:  Tell the vision to no one, for the non-compassionate Republicans will use the vision against me in the elections.

And when he was come to the multitude, there came to him a man falling down on his knees before him saying:  Obama, have pity on my son, for he is a lunatic (though I shouldn’t call him that for the language dost be judgmental and bullying), and suffereth much:  for he falleth often into the fire, and often into the water.

And I brought him to Kathleen Sebelius, your Secretary of Heath and Human Services, and she could not cure him but fined me for not having insurance.

And Barack rebuked him, and the devil (but not to be judgmental for there is no such thing as evil. Hey it’s all good!) went out of him, and the child was cured from that hour.  Then Barack advised the father that his son need not get a job as he could stay under his coverage until he was 26 years old.

And when they abode together in Washington, Barack said to them:  The ideological Son of Bill Ayers shall be betrayed into the hands of non-compassionate Republicans:

And they shall defeat him in the fall election, and the third day he shall rise again with a show on MSNBC.  And they were troubled exceedingly.

And when they came into the White House, Barack, saying to Joe Biden:  What is thy opinion Joe?  Who follows EPA mandates?  The rubes or we privileged Washington insiders?

And Joe said, The rubes of course.

And Barack said unto them:  Then we are exempt.  And flew he off on Air Force One to go to a Broadway show and shopping with Michelle.

[To be continued.]

Dateline December 18, 1865

From the editorial board of the New York Times

Word has just reached New York that the controversial Secretary of State William Henry Seward (pictured above) has announced the ratification of the 13th amendment to the constitution, outlawing slavery and involuntary servitude except as punishment for a crime.

While not entering into the merits of said amendment we have to ask the Republican Secretary of State why he favors the enactment.

Does the Republican Secretary not know that the ending of slavery will overwhelmingly affect the black minority?

Does the Republican Secretary not know that this amendment, combined with the demobilization following the late conflict between the states will further lead to unemployment and misery for the masses, straining the already overwhelmed social services of our country?

Indeed this is the latest act in the Republican Secretary’s controversial political career.  From his beginnings in the anti-masonic party to his controversial support for Catholics during his controversial and unsuccessful term as governor of New York the current Secretary has made a habit of controversially stretching the limits of our sacred constitution.

The Republican Secretary has stated that he believes the constitution is a “living, breathing document” and that this “living, breathing document” gives elected representatives implied power that the fathers of that document did not intend.

We here at the New York Times believe this approach to the constitution is wrong.

We here at the New York Times believe that the constitution granted the government limited powers and that this revered document must be interpreted strictly, as the founders wanted, and not loosely like the controversial Republican Secretary wants.  And this belief of the New York Times will never change!

Indeed if Mr. Secretary’s interpretation of the constitution were to become dominant in the land we feel that there would be no end of mischief.  We believe that the government would then find the justification for reducing our freedoms.

For instance many nowadays are worried about man-made climate change.  Under the controversial Republican Secretary’s interpretation of our constitution what is to stop him from raising the price of coal to European levels to force people to go back to horse and buggies instead of using faster, more efficient trains?

This is but one example of the damage the Republican party may do whenever they happen to be in power.

In the meantime we ask all newly-freed blacks to look to the Democratic party for their salvation.

We do make these criticisms of Seward and the other radical Republicans out of any partisan consideration but only because we believe it is in the best interest of our country.

The Editorial Board

New York Times

December 18, 1865 *

Wading into the racially-charged murder of  Trayvon Martin, director Spike Lee used his twitter account to tweet what he believed was the address where George Zimmerman lived.

Attention!  I know where the racist George Zimmerman lives!  He lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane!  That’s 1313 Mockingbird Lane!

The problem?  George Zimmerman does not live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  The occupants of that address are the Munster family, led by patriarch Herman Munster and his wife Lilly (pictured here). Mr. Munster is employed by a local undertaker and denies any involvement in the shooting.  Said Munster:

I came home from work one day and there was an angry crowd in front of my house.  They asked me if I lived here and I said yes.  That’s when they started throwing things at me and calling me a racist killer.  I was so scared I ran straight into my house and locked the door.  I’m no killer.  I’m just an embalmer.

Things only got worse from there.  Undeterred by Herman Munster’s denials the crowd grabbed his father-in-law, “Grandpa” Munster and proceeded to beat him.  Grandpa Munster turned himself into a bat and tried to fly away.  The crowd then pulled his wings off.  Reverting to human form he cried “Jesus I have no arms” and ran into the house, bleeding from his wounds.

As his wife Lilly attended to her stricken father, Mr. Munster called the police and begged for protection.  When the police arrived the angry mob was in the process of trying to set the house on fire.  Gathering the family police placed them in a squad car and drove away.  The Munsters are currently in protective custody at an unknown location.  Said Mr. Munster through his lawyer:

This is ridiculous.  I have done nothing wrong.  Now my family is in danger. This is really scary. I hope Spike Lee rots in hell.  I’m suing that punk’s ass off.  DARN DARN DARN DARN!

As for director Lee, he has acknowledged his mistake, apologized and sent out a follow-up tweet:

My bad.  The racist killer Zimmerman does not live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  He lives at 0001  Cemetery Lane.

The problem?  George Zimmerman does not live at this address either.  The occupants of 0001 Cemetery Lane are a family called the Addams (pictured here.)  Said Gomez Addams:

“If I ever meet that bastard Lee I’m going to introduce him to my crocodile farm!”

Spike Lee could not be reached for comment.

Today at Manhattan Infidel I reach through the future mists of time to interview the popular yet polarizing figure of Dr. Zaius, minister of science and chief defender of the faith in Ape City.

MI:  Good afternoon Dr. Zaius.

Dr. Zaius:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s talk about the political structure of Ape City.  You are an orangutan.

Dr. Zaius:  And proud to be one.

MI:  Now in Ape City the orangutans rule.  And gorillas are on the bottom of the social scale. Why is this?

Dr. Zaius:  It’s as it should be.  Lighter skinned primates are more intelligent than dark skinned primates.  The science is settled.

MI:  Okay.  I’ll take your word for it.  My next question, why is your city called “Ape City”?

Dr. Zaius:  We wanted a name that represented strength and dignity.  And Ho-Ho-Kus was taken.  New Jersey has all the good names.

MI:  I guess that makes sense.  Let’s talk about your dual role as scientist and defender of the faith.

Dr. Zaius:  There’s no contradiction between faith and science.  True science.

MI:  Really?  Really?  Could it be you are harboring a secret?  

Dr. Zaius:  Oh alright.  All my life I’ve awaited your coming Manhattan Infidel and dreaded it.

MI:  Say again?

Dr. Zaius:  You are a menace.  A walking pestilence. 

MI:  Is this because I’m Irish?

Dr. Zaius:  Why Manhattan Infidel you are a nuisance.  You eat up your food supply in New York then you migrate to the green belts of New Jersey and ravage our crops.  The sooner you are exterminated the better.  It’s a matter of Simian survival.

MI:  New Jersey has green belts?  Listen chump you are pretty close to getting punched in the nose.

Dr. Zaius:  I have always known about you.  From the evidence I believe your wisdom must walk hand in hand with your idiocy.  Your emotions must rule your brain.  You must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, including himself.

MI:  That’s just how we are in New York.

Dr. Zaius:  Manhattan was once a paradise.  Your breed made a desert of it ages ago.

MI:  Does that include the lower east side?  Because I’ve always found that to be something of a shithole.

Dr. Zaius:  Have you forgotten your scripture?  The thirteenth scroll?  “And Proteus brought the upright beast into the garden and chained him to a tree and the children did make sport of him.”

MI:  I remember that.  I cried.  The children hurt my feelings.  That’s when I teamed up with Lady Gaga to start an anti-bullying campaign.

Dr. Zaius:  One last thing before you go - and this is going to blow your mind:  Apes evolved from men!

MI:  What?  A planet where apes evolved from men?  There’s got to be an answer.

Dr. Zaius:  Don’t look for it, Manhattan Infidel.  You might not like what you find.

MI:  Why?  Does it involve math?

Dr. Zaius:  Just go already will you.  I’m late for my weekly steam bath with the other orangutans.

MI:  Well then I bid you adieu.   Um, you wouldn’t happen to have another space ship?  Mine crashed in a lake and sunk.

Dr. Zaius:  No but Virgin Atlantic has regular flights.

And so I bid farewell to the esteemed doctor and got a flight on Virgin Atlantic (good pretzels and other snacks!)

From the desk of Chancellor Dennis Walcott

For immediate release:

To all parents and caregivers of children attending New York City public schools:

As all of you are no doubt aware and has been reported by the local media, a record 15 Department of Education employees have been busted this year for alleged sexual contact with minors under their care. Particularly troubling are the cases of Taleek Brooks who is charged with possession of child pornography and making porn  movies with children at his place and Gregory Atkins who told a nine year old boy to undress and then fondled his genitals.

Let me assure you that we take these allegations very seriously.  Granted not as seriously as smoking or improper diets but we do regard these alleged incidents as unfortunate.

Let me reassure parents and caregivers that the Department of Education has as strict “37 Strikes and You’re Out!” policy.

In conjunction with our partners in the teacher’s union all employees accused of improper sexual conduct will be visited by a home health care worker.  Since a correlation between impure food and forced sexual activity has been proven (I don’t have the specific study in front of me but it rings true) this home health care worker will check their refrigerators for impure foods such as hamburgers and steaks and inappropriate snacks such as potato chips and cheesecake.

Also since another recent study (again I can’t name the specific study) has found that those who smoke are 783% more likely to engage in improper conduct they will check for cigarettes.

We will also ask them questions about their entertainment viewing habits.  Studies have shown that those who  listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin are  more likely to be sexual predators.

And this is just after the first allegation.  From here we get progressively tougher.

• After the fifth allegation those accused will be given a pamphlet entitled, “So You’ve Just Fondled an Eight-Year Old Boy’s Genitals.  Have I Done Something Wrong?”
• After the 15th allegation those accused will have to watch an educational film entitled, “Hey, Cut That Out!”
• After the 25th allegation alleged guilty parties will be forced to wear a nicotine patch and read a pamphlet called “Why You Smoke!”
• After the 37th allegation those accused will be promoted and given raises as an incentive to leave children alone.

It is only then that police will be called in to investigate.

But we must ask ourselves why this rush to judgment?  New York City is a tolerant, inclusive, open city.  That is why we have implemented our 37-strikes policy:  to protect our teachers from intolerant allegations.

I’d like to thank the local media for bringing these incidents to my attention.  (Even though we all know racism is the reason they reported them in the first place.)

Dennis Walcott

New York City Department of Education Chancellor

The following has been reprinted with kind permission from the New Black Panther Party of America:

Greetings brothers!

Since the attack on our noble brother Trayvon Martin by a Hispanic - a white Hispanic - many of our peoples have asked us in the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party whether this is a sign that the race war has begun, should we defend ourselves, who should we kill and under what circumstances.

Yes brothers. The race war has begun.  Like many we at the Executive Council of the New Black Panther party expected it to be against Whitey.  But despite our fondest hopes this is not to be the case.  Our war is against Hispanics.  Or more specifically white Hispanics, for it would be wrong to tarnish an entire peoples with the attribute racist.

Now onto specifics. When is it acceptable to kill a Hispanic (other than a Puerto Rican.)  Remember, our fight is with white Hispanics.

But you may ask, how can I tell when I’m fighting a white Hispanic? After all not every white Hispanic will have a readily identifiable Jew name like Zimmerman or Estevez.

Not to worry.  There is an app for that.  Just go to iTunes and download the “Is He Really a White Hispanic” app.  It’s free.

This handy app (approved by the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party) will make it easier for you to decide whom to kill.  Using mathematical formulas you will be guided in your quest to kill white Hispanics.  The following are just some of the hightlights of this app:

• Is the Hispanic you are fighting related to Charlie Sheen?  If so he is a white Hispanic and his death is approved.
• If the amount of white blood in him is over 65% it is always acceptable to kill him (even if he isn’t Puerto Rican.)
• If  the white Hispanic you are confronting has only 13 to 43.26% white blood in him you must first get his death approved by the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party.  It would also help to have two signed written statements testifying to the fact that the victim does in fact identify himself as a white Hispanic.
• Below this it gets even trickier.  If the white Hispanic you are confronting has only 0.125% Hispanic blood, or is what we like to call an “octoroon” then for legal purposes he is no longer white Hispanic but full-blooded white.  As such it is unacceptable to kill him (unless that 0.125% is Puerto Rican of course.)
• If he has less than 0.125% Hispanic blood but still identifies himself as such beware!   He might be an FBI decoy.  Do not kill him (unless he is Puerto Rican.)

And that my brothers are just some of our guidelines.

Until the race war is won fight on!

Note:  The New Black Panther Party of America is not affiliated with Burlington Coat Factory.

My thanks again to the New Black Panther Party of America for granting me permission to reprint this.

Manhattan Infidel

And there came to him moderate Democrats and Fox news anchors tempting him:  and they asked him to reduce gas prices.

But he answered and said to them:  When it is evening you say:  Time to watch Bill O’Reilly.

And in the morning:  Time to watch Fox and Friends.  You know how to discern the TV schedule:  and can you not know the signs of Obama?

A generation ungrateful for all I’ve done for them seeketh after a sign:  and a sign shall not be given it, but the sign of Joe Scarborough, who got a job at MSNBC after he left politics.

And when his cabinet and czars were come over the water, they had forgotten to take arugula and other healthy green food.

Who said to them:  Take heed and beware the unhealthy diets of moderate Democrats and Fox news anchors. For they loveth meat and have high cholesterol.

But they thought within themselves, saying:  Because we have taken no arugula.

And Obama knowing it, said:  Do you not yet understand?  My intellect is too much for this generation.  For I am a constitutional scholar and these people are rubes.

And came Obama into the quarters of ESPN to make his final four picks: and he asked his cabinet and czars, saying:  Whom do you think will win it all this year?  I’m picking Southern Miss.

And upon hearing this Nancy Pelosi said to him:  Thou art the chosen one, the one who reduces sea levels and saves our constitution from bitter clingers.

And Obama answering said to her:  Blessed art thou, Nancy of the nip and tuck:  because flesh and blood have not revealed it to thee because you have no flesh and blood.

And I say unto thee:  Thou art the leader of the Democrats in congress and upon this I will raise gas prices so the rubes will take high speed rail.

And I will give thee the keys to the kingdom of Washington D.C.  And you shall raise gas prices. And whatsoever thou shalt raise in DC will be raised also throughout America.

And from that time Obama began to shew his cabinet and czars that he must run for reelection and suffer many things from the Republicans and Fox news, and lose the election and the third day get a prime time gig at MSNBC.

And Joe Biden taking him, began to rebuke him saying:  Daddy if you lose what will happen to me?

Who turning said to Joe:  Go behind me.  No seriously go behind me and eat some snacks because the adults have work to do.

Then Obama said to his cabinet and czars:  If any man will come after me let him deny others unhealthy foods and SUVs and use them yourselves to travel the country and follow me.

For what doth it profit a man if he has to drive 60 miles to work and suffer the loss of his own environmentally-conscious soul?  Or what exchange shall a man give for his environmentally-conscious soul?  Except high speed rail of course.

Amen I say to you there are some of them that drive SUVs and eat cheeseburgers that shall not taste death till they see Obama eating arugula and taking high speed rail as an example to the rubes.

[To be continued]

Today I am pleased to interview one of the more reclusive denizens of North America:  Bigfoot, or Sasquatch himself.  As always when Bigfoot is interviewed precautions were taken to protect his location.  I was blindfolded and driven to a remote cabin.  When I took my blindfold off I was face to face with this remarkable creature.

BF:  Hello.

MI:  Hello Bigfoot.  Wow.  So I finally meet the reclusive Bigfoot.  

BF:  Yeah, so what would you like to know?

MI:  Let’s start at the beginning. Do you prefer to be called Bigfoot or Sasquatch?

BF:  Neither.  Sasquatch is the name of my species.  How’d you like it if I called you “human”?  and Bigfoot was just a nickname that some idiot logger gave me.

MI:  So what is your name?

BF:  Inigo Montoya.  What can I say?  The Princess Bride was my parents’ favorite movie.

MI:  So there’s more than one of you?

BF:  Of course you idiot.  My peoples are a noble and gregarious race.  We are very clannish.   Do you think I am alone?  Do you think I live a solitary existence?  I’m not a blogger. 

MI:  Ouch.  That hit close to home.

BF:  Sorry.  It’s just that I get sensitive around humans.  They are so ignorant about us.

MI:  Well you are very reclusive.  Why not just come out and talk to the humans?

BF:  Don’t take this personally but you’re kind of beneath us.

MI:  Okay, let’s talk a little about - 

BF:  Mind if I smoke?

MI:  No, go ahead.  Let’s talk a little about your life and the life of a typical Sasquatch.   What are your mating rituals?

BF:  To tell you the truth we aren’t big on mating.  We just go into the local college campuses and kidnap a few coeds.  They are all like, “help help where are you taking me” but they come to appreciate us.  They say we are manlier than men.  So we mate.  Boy do we.

MI:  Let’s talk about the history of Sasquatch.  Any famous Sasquatch’s?

BF:  Sacagawea.

MI:  From Lewis and Clark?

BF:  Yep.  She was one of us.  We sold her to a European who liked them smelly and hairy.  He was French after all.

MI:  Interesting.  Let’s talk about the famous Patterson-Gimlin film that allegedly showed one of you.

BF:  Oh yeah, that.  Story is that one of use was out getting his freak on with a lady friend and then he sees this camera so he ran away.  How would you feel if you were doing it and suddenly you were being filmed?

MI:  I guess I’d be rather angry. 

BF:  Damn right.

MI:  You don’t mind if I ask you this - your rather quite large.  Is this the normal size of your kind?

BF:  Yeah, I’m pretty representative.

MI:  So I have to ask - football.  Do any of your kind play football?

BF:  Oh sure.  Especially now that the NFL has strict [cough, cough] steroid and HGH testing.  Humans can’t grow that large so the scouts are signing us.

MI:  Let’s go back even further.  When did Sasquatch first arrive in America?  Did you -

BF:  Hey can we wrap this up?  I have a lady friend waiting for me.  And she’s quite the feminist coed.  But we supply free birth control here so she should be happy.

MI:  One last question. What is the lifespan of a Sasquatch?  Are your parents still alive?

BF:  No.  It’s rather sad.  They were both killed by humans.

MI:  I’m sorry  What happened?

BF:  They ran out of sugar so they went to a human’s house to borrow some.  Guy freaked and shot them both.

MI:  Tragic.

BF:  My  name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die!

MI:  Stop saying that!

BF:  I’m just joking with you. My parents are retired and living in Key West.

MI:  Okay well I thank you for your time. Anything you’d like to say to my readers before I go?

BF:  Vote Romney!  Sasquatch and Mormon unity!

MI:  Okay.  Well I guess that’s a question for another day.

After my interview ended I was blindfolded again and driven back to civilization.

Tog Tre’Gok of the house of Tor has a unique position on the Klingon homeworld:  He is the leader of the Klingon Socialist Party.

Our full name is the “Socialist, Redistributionist and Social Justice Party of the Klingon Homeworld”.  Right now we’re a small party.  Very small.  It’s just me and my mother.  We haven’t won any seats yet in the Klingon Parliament but I’m confident that once I get my message out other Klingons will see the merits of our positions.

Despite his confidence other Klingons are dismissive.  Said Antaan Angghal of the house of Y’hporp:

“Tog is not a warrior!  The house of Tor has been shamed.”  

And therein lies the uphill battle that Tog wages to make the Klingon Socialist Party a serious player in Klingon elections.  To achieve success Tog must convince Klingons to change their very culture.

Klingons have always been self-sufficient.  They don’t really like to have other people do things for them.  It’s all based on one’s individual honor.  An outmoded concept if I may say so myself.  It’s time the Klingon Homeworld entered the 23rd century.  Why even the Vulcans have adopted socialism.  They say it’s logical.

Though the rest of the galaxy may find socialism logical Tog admits he has a long road ahead of him.

At my first debate I mentioned that it wasn’t fair that one house had more respect than others and that all houses should be equal.  I asked the audience if maybe it was time to redistribute the honor equally between all the clans.  Well, that didn’t go over to well.  They hurled insults at me.  And they threatened to cut me in half with a bat’leth.  But I guess I should have expected it.  These are simple Klingons.  They cling to bat’leths and their myths.  It’ll take some time for them to adapt to progressive ideas.

Despite the odds he remains optimistic.

I’m homeless now.  They burned down my house after the debate.  But socialism is inevitable.  It’s compassionate.  The rest of the galaxy knows this.  That’s why they adopted the system.  So I just have to be patient.  And watch out for bat’leths.

Anyone wishing to register with the Klingon Socialist Party in time for the next election should contact Tog.

“Anyone over 18 can sign up.  So drop by.  I have free donuts for those who register with us.”

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am honored to interview the putative Democratic candidate for senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren.  Miss Warren I thank you for your time.

EW:  Manhattan Infidel, you have a blog don’t you?

MI:  Um.  Yes.  Yes I do.

EW:  Good for you.  But I want to be clear.  You write on the internet the rest of us pay for.  You hire workers the rest of us pay to educate.

MI:  I don’t have any workers.  It’s just me.

EW:  Don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking.  You don’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize your internet -

MI:  It’s not my internet.  I believe it belongs to Al Gore.

EW:  Silence.  Now look, you built a blog and turned it into something terrific.  God bless.  Keep a big chunk of it.  But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who has a blog.  Share the millions you make from your blog.

MI:  Millions?  You’re not in touch with reality are you?  Now my first question.  You used to be a Republican but switch party affiliations in the 1990s.  Why?

EW:  I just felt that the Republicans lost touch with the needs of the working man.  So I became a Democrat.

MI:  Interesting.

EW:  You know I talk to commoners all the time.

MI:  Commoners?

EW:  Yes.  My limo driver. My butler. My cook.  And those are just three of the common folk I know.  So I am familiar with their needs and wants.

MI:  Such as?

EW:   Free stuff.  Free bread.  Good seats at the Flavian Amphitheater. Fourteen hour shifts in the emperor’s underground salt mines.  And of course free contraception for women.  After all, you’ve already paid for your date’s dinner.  Shouldn’t you pay for her spermicidal jelly? 

MI:  I’m not following you.

EW:  You have a date?  God bless.  Keep a big chunk of her.  But part of the underlying social contract is you pay forward her spermicidal jelly so the next kid doesn’t have to.

MI:  I see.  Well that about wraps up our interview.

EW:  One thing bothers me.  You called me the “putative” Democratic candidate.  I AM the Democratic candidate.

MI:  Well that has yet to be decided by the voters.

EW:  The voters?  I haven’t been appointed to Teddy Kennedy’s seat to have the people decide.

MI:   Actually that’s what they do.  It’s called an election.

EW:  This republic of ours is too precious to be put in the hands of the people.  It’s just not efficient that way.  We can learn so much from authoritarian governments.  The Chinese, for example.

MI:  I’ll let myself out.

EW:  So you’re going to let yourself out?  Good for you.  But I want to be clear.  You’re letting yourself out on roads the rest of us paid for.  You don’t have to worry that marauding bands will come and let you out.

MI:  Okay.  Like I said I’m letting myself out.

EW:  God bless.  Keep a big chunk of letting yourself out.  But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of letting yourself out and pay forward to the next kid that wants to let themselves out.

MI:  Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the putative Democratic candidate for senator from Massachusetts.