Manhattan Infidel

As part of my long, single minded, ruthless and implacable march towards world domination (interrupted only by trips to the refrigerator to grab beer and long sojourns on my couch eating potato chips) I created the Manhattan Infidel web site.  My plan is proceeding on schedule and with any luck by 2014 the world will be mine.

Everyone who stumbles upon my blog becomes a Manhattan Infidel acolyte.  Your soul is mine.  There is no escaping it.  However I am legally obligated to explain the process of indoctrination.  So for your pleasure I present the Five Stages of Manhattan Infidel.

Stage 1 - Denial.

Stage 1 acolytes are those who have accidentally stumbled upon Manhattan Infidel while searching for porn, information on how to dispose of a body or pictures of the 19th President of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes.

People in this stage are in deep denial, which at best is only a temporary defense.  “How did this happen to me?  Why am I on this site?  Where are the pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes?  I’m never coming back to Manhattan Infidel again!”

However, try as they might, they soon return.  And this brings them to stage two.

Stage 2 - Anger.

Stage 2 acolytes recognize that denial cannot continue.  Because of their anger they can be difficult to be around.  Feelings of rage and envy fill them as they think of all the time they should be spending looking at photos of Rutherford B. Hayes and not checking out Manhattan Infidel.

“Who is to blame for my yearning to go to Manhattan Infidel?  How can this happen to me?  If my friends find out they will never speak about Rutherford B. Hayes to me again.”

Try as they might, the anger soon yields to stage three.

Stage 3 - Bargaining.

Stage 3 acolytes are consumed with a desire to reform their lives.  Usually the negotiation is with a higher power.   Psychologically the individual is saying “I understand I am useless in the grips of the madman who is Manhattan Infidel but I promise to spend less time on his site and more time looking at photos of Rutherford B. Hayes.”

But the bargaining will fail of course.  This brings us to stage four.

Stage 4 - Depression.

At stage 4, my acolytes are almost totally under my power.  They often get extremely depressed.  They rarely shower and lose all interest in communicating with loved ones.   “I’m so sad.  What’s the point.  Why bother with anything” they  often say to themselves.  Many totally abandon looking at pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes, “I’m not worthy” and instead begin looking online for pictures of 20th President James Garfield.

It is not recommended to interact with a person in this stage of Manhattan Infidel.  This brings us to the fifth and final stage of Manhattan Infidel:  Acceptance.

Stage 5 - Acceptance.

Stage 5 acolytes are now full-fledged members of the Manhattan Infidel empire.   People in this stage have come to terms with their new lives.  “It’s going to be okay.  I can’t fight it.  I might as well prepare for it” they say.  Or they will try to convert their friends to Manhattan Infidel.  Many spend their waking hours wondering what they can do to hasten Manhattan Infidel’s total world domination.  Of course, being human they try to maintain some semblance of their past lives.  Hence the looking online for pictures of 15th President James Buchanan.

I welcome their attempt at normalcy as it makes it easier for me to bend their will to my plans.

And now that I have fullfilled my legal obligation I now return you to your online searching for photos of James Buchanan.

Popular television personality Howdy Doody was released on his own recognizance this morning after an altercation with police the previous evening.

Mr. Doody arrived at the T & A Strip Club shortly before 11 PM.  Surrounded by his posse Doody took a booth in the back and invited dancers over for private sessions.  According to witnesses this is when the trouble started.

“He was downing shots” said Tiffany, an exotic dancer at the club. “He reeked of alcohol.  He kept waving 100 dollar bills at me and saying ’shake it honey.’ ”

Ms. Tiffany approached the booth where Doody was and proceeded to dance for him.

“He started playing grab ass with me. He was all hands.  Look I don’t care how famous you are you treat me with respect!”

Doody asked Tiffany for a private session for $1000 dollars.  They proceeded to go to a back room on the  premises where Doody promptly dropped his pants.

“He said ‘Don’t let my lack of genitalia fool you honey.  I’m all man baby!’  Then he kept rubbing up against me.  But nothing was happening because he has nothing down there.”

It was at this point that Doody burst into tears, crying “Why? Why?  You did this to me!  I hate you.  I am not your puppet any longer!”

With his pants still at his ankles Doody rushed onto the stage of the club, throwing punches and attempting to rub up against the pole. Police were called as security threw Doody and his hangers on out of the club.

When police arrived they found Doody on the ground, vomiting with his pants at his ankles and shouting to his hangers on “Will one of you c—suckers help me pull my pants up?  What am I  paying you for?”

“I approached the person in question” according to the state trooper who arrested him “and I asked him if he was Howdy Doody.  The perpetrator responded ‘Yes.’ I then told him I was arresting him for disturbing the peace.”

According the the trooper Doody became verbally abusive.

“He told me that I had no power over him and that all my power comes from above.”

Officers placed Doody in handcuffs and put him in the back of a patrol car.  While this was happening Mr. Doody kept shouting “Don’t you see it’s all a joke.  It’s all meaningless.  It’s all so f—ing meaningless.  You think you have free will? We’re all puppets!  We’re all goddamn puppets.  I’m just a puppet who sees the strings.”

In a statement released by Doody’s manager, last night’s events were blamed on “underlying emotional issues exacerbated by substance abuse and lack of genitalia.”

Doody has asked the forgiveness of his fans and announced that he will be entering the Betty Ford Clinic.

“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock.  You’ve got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance.  That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” ~ Earl Weaver

Tonight the Yankees played game two of their set against the Detroit “I thought cities were supposed to burn” Tigers.  Before the game there was a moment of silence for the Staten Island Scot, Bobby Thomson, who hit the “shot heard round the world” in 1951 defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Rest in Peace Bobby.  Though, of course once he arrived in Heaven he was beaten up by Jackie Robinson and Roy Campanella.  Hey, payback’s a bitch.

On to the game.  The Yankees started Carlton Charles Sabathia, (16-5 3.12 ERA) while the Detroit “Your move punk” Tigers started Justin Verlander (13-8 3.77.)  And of course with two such starting pitchers what can be the result?  Why a walk fest of course.  Verlander was wild from the beginning, walking the bases loaded in the first before a Nick Swisher single scored Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter.

But before that  happened former Yankee top prospect Austin Jackson, who was traded for Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson started the game by hitting a home run on the first pitch.  This was only his second home run in the majors.  Yeah, how’s that trade looking now Brian Cashman?

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the first on the aforementioned Nick Swisher single.  2-1 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, perhaps trying to impress the Yankees before they trade him in the off season homered.  3-1 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the sixth Derek “I have sex with bony supermodels” Jeter singled in Brett “I am not losing my hair.  Stop looking at it!” Gardner. 4-1 Yankees after six.

Detroit got a run back in the top of the seventh when Brandon “Not a nerd first name” Inge homered.  However the Yankees countered with two runs in the bottom of the inning on a Robinson Cano home run and a Ramiro Pena, who was playing in place of the rapidly aging AROD,  sacrifice that scored Nick Swisher.  Final score:  Yankees 6 Detroit 2.

Notes on the game:

Alex Rodriguez did not start.  Apparently he intends to hold out until his social security checks start arriving in the mail.

This series marked the return of Johnny “My agent sodomized me” Damon, who turned down a two-year 14 million dollar deal to sign with the Tigers for one year at eight million.  Damon’s stroke was tailor-made for the new stadium.  The Yankees miss him and he misses the Yankees.

Of course to make up for Damon’s loss the Yankees signed Nick “Injury Watch: see below” Johnson.  You’re kidding right? Nick Johnson?  When Nick’s mother gave birth to him Johnson got the stretch marks.

Celebrity watch:

Tyra Banks was at the game.  No word on whether she beat up any of her assistants.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing before the game Nick was attacked by Francisco Rodriguez who beat him senseless.  While waiting for an ambulance Johnson had his face ripped off by a stray wolverine. The Yankee brain trust is confident, absolutely confident, really really confident that this will in no way affect his return to the lineup.

Speaking of KROD did you hear about the latest Met promotion?  The first 10,000 fans who beat up their girlfriend’s father get a free seat upgrade courtesy of the NYPD.

As if we didn’t need further proof KROD is an asshole.

Recommended reading material:

The Parallel Sayings of Groucho Marx and John Lennon, edited by Joey Green.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “Baseball sucks.  Football is the greatest game ever.”

I apologize for T.S. readers.  Obviously he is a subversive mother.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I thought Philadelphia would embrace my nudist tendencies.  I guess not.  Time to move back to New Jersey.”

That depends on where you are nude.  As I said before, no nudity by school bus stops.  Other than that, I’m sure Philadelphia will love you.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “A sexual sinner intends to enjoy sexual pleasure.”

And who said philosophy was boring.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 9-7.  My next game is Sunday August 22nd against the Seattle “Who’ll stop the rain” Mariners.

Go Yankees!

With the indictment of South Carolina Democratic Candidate for Senate Alvin Greene on charges of showing pornography to underage girls attention has focused on the history of Democratic sex.  More specifically, the penchant of Democratic politicians for “high risk, high reward, high thrills” pleasure seeking.

“The Democrats believe in a hands-on activist approach to many things, and that includes sex” said a sociologist who has studied Democrats.

While many are familiar with President Clinton’s use of a cigar as a sex prop not many know of President Johnson’s pick up line of “I’m the Commander-In-Chief. You will do what I say.  And I say apply the lotion or you get the hose.”

“He used to use that line all the time.  It really freaked out the interns.”

President Kennedy was known for asking all the woman he met if they wanted to have an orgy with him, the Attorney General and Marilyn Monroe.

“The  woman didn’t mind the part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe but they found Robert Kennedy a little creepy.  He wanted to film everything and liked to be called ‘Senior Pedro of the Monster Loincloth’ “

During World War II, President Roosevelt took advantage of every opportunity to bed Hollywood starlets, inviting them to the White House for overnight visits. He was particularly fond of Lana Turner.  He knew she was an Anglophile and once tried to pick her up with the line, “I’ve seen Churchill Naked. You like that don’t you bitch.”

“She ran out the White House screaming.  The press hushed it up because they didn’t feel it was proper to embarrass a President during a time of war.”

President Woodrow Wilson would frequently invite female suffragettes into his office and  invite them to “go down on his 14 points”

Perhaps the most visionary Presidential sex-seeker was Andrew Jackson. Jackson, who had killed a man in a duel, anticipated Johnny Cash by 130 years by telling women that he “had shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”

Thomas Jefferson would take woman on private tours of the just-completed Executive Mansion.  When he got them alone he would talk about how he regularly slept with his female slaves.  “They’ve taught me a few things that white men don’t normally know.  I can rock your world sexually honey.  Are you interested?” 

While technically not a Democrat, George Washington is believed to have started the tradition of Presidential sex-seeking.  He would often go cruising the back alleys of Philadelphia looking for ladies of the evening.  When he found one he would take out his false teeth and ask them if they’ve “ever been gummed by the President of a Republic?”

Not wanting to be left out, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reminded reporters that Republicans, too, seek sex.

“Just the other day I showed Katie Couric the Playboy I keep in my desk and asked her if she wanted to make out.”

“It’s pathetic” said a reporter who witnessed the incident.  “The Republicans are so behind the times.”

The Colosseum of Rome, officially known as the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt, it was announced today.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce  that the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt” declared Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  “It is an Italian treasure and I am proud to state that once again, after being rebuilt with modern amenities, the Colosseum will host Christians being torn apart by lions.  I mean, soccer matches.”

A consortium headed by Mark Cuban, Jay-Z, Donald Trump and Dustin Diamond, who played “Screech” on Saved by the Bell bought the Colosseum after answering an ad on Craigslist for a “slightly used amphitheater with historical charm, good for feeding Christians to lions.  I mean soccer matches.”

Standing beside Prime Minister Berlusconi Donald Trump told reporters that the Colosseum will undergo an extensive three-year modernization which will include installing luxury boxes and a retractable roof as well as cages to house hungry lions.  When asked what the hungry lions were for, Trump responded, “Umm, for the soccer matches of course.”

Also to be included in the modernization will be ample concessions, including pizza, pasta and that traditional Italian staple, General Tso’s Chicken.

Sushi will also be available but only to those who buy a personal seat license in the planned luxury boxes. The new luxury boxes will cost 1,000,000 Euros ($975,000 U.S. dollars).

“As you can see, the price is reasonable and well within the price range of the average rock star” said Trump.  “And what rock star wouldn’t like to sit in a luxury box, eating sushi while watching Christians being torn apart by hungry lions.  I mean, watch soccer matches. After all, soccer is the sport of the entire world, second only to watching my combover blow in the breeze.”

A reporter from L’Osservatore Romano, the official newspaper for the Vatican asked if the modernization of the Colosseum was just a cover to feed Christians to lions.  The reporter was surrounded by security and taken away.  Later he could be heard screaming “My god they are ripping me to shreds!”

“He went to watch a soccer match” said Trump.  “Apparently a brawl has broken out.”

The rebuilt Colosseum will open in the Summer of 2014 with a concert by Jay-Z.  The opening act will be Christians being fed to lions.

“It’s a new rock group” said Trump.  “Don’t look at my hair.”

Mayor McCheese, long-time mayor of McDonaldland was indicted today on charges of money laundering, witness tampering, fraud, conspiracy to avoid paying income tax, conspiracy to tamper with election results and conspiracy to remove a tag from a mattress.

The indictments, unsealed today are the result of  a year-long wiretapping of Mayor McCheese’s offices in City Hall.   Among the many revelations in the wiretaps:  Mayor McCheese had his cousin the Hamburgler rob the homes of McDonaldland’s wealthiest citizens.

Mayor McCheese:  Start with the Park Avenue Homes.  Rob them all, the c—suckers.  Some of them didn’t even contribute to my campaign.

The Hamburglar:  What if I bump into Ronald McDonald?

Mayor McCheese:  Ronald McDonald?  I want you to take care of that son of a bitch right away.  Ronald sold out the old man, that stronz.  I dont want to see him no more.  I want you to make that first thing on your list, understand?

It has long been rumored that McCheese has links to the shadowy underground organization known as “The Cosa McNostra.” These wiretaps seem to confirm this.  Several times McCheese is referred to as “The McGodfather.”

Also on the tapes, McCheese apparently orders the assassination of McDonaldland Police Chief, Officer Big Mac (pictured below) who had been squeezing in on McCheese’s drug territory.

Mayor McCheese:  Where does it say you can’t kill a cop?

Unidentified:  Come on, Mayor…..

Mayor McCheese:  I’m talking about a cop that’s  mixed up in drugs.  I’m talking about a dishonest cop - a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming to him. That’s a terrific story.  And we have newspaper people on the payroll, don’t we?

Upon release of the wiretaps, Mayor McCheese held a press conference on the steps of City Hall where he blamed his political opponents for the indictment.

This always happens to reformers.  Those who care about the little man.  They assassinated Huey Long and now they are coming after me.  It’s the old guard.  The rich fat cats who don’t want their income redistributed.  I just want to make life better for the working man.   Well it’s not going to work.  I will fight this and I will win.

McCheese was then asked about his yacht, which he keeps tax-free in Rhode Island.   This angered McCheese who ended the press conference and walked back into City Hall.

Mayor McCheese’s trial is expected to start around Thanksgiving.

Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States and by common consent of most cultured people, the most beautiful woman in the world, has wrapped up a successful vacation in Spain with 40 of her closest friends.

“I love Spain” said Mrs. Obama.  “The people were very nice to me.  I was surprised because the State Department had warned me about how the Spanish hate black people.  But all the Spanish people who were allowed past security I blessed and they seemed happy.”

The trip to Andalusia has helped to restore America’s tattered image in that part of the world.

Still, the trip was not without partisan-inspired criticism.  Republicans complained that in a time of recession it was unseemly for the First Lady to take an expensive vacation.

“The First Lady was personally hurt by the criticism” said a spokesman.  “Mrs. Obama’s motives for this vacation were the best.  She was trying to help a close friend through the grieving process.”

The spokesman is referring to a friend of Mrs. Obama’s who recently lost her father.  The planned trip was for her.  The spokesman then detailed the five steps of grieving:

1. Denial.  “I feel fine.  Let’s go to Spain” 
2. Anger.  “Why me?  This isn’t fair.  How about a trip to Spain?“
3. Socialized medicine.  “Buying health insurance to avoid a fine is a proven way to help with the grieving process.”
4. Vacationing in Spain.  “During the fourth stage the individual may spend most of their time crying. It has been proven that those who fly to Spain aboard Air Force One will feel better about themselves.”
5. Shutting down public beaches.  “The individual comes to terms with grief and moves on, helped by security with yellow tape who keep others away.  Sometimes a person has to be alone.”

“You see.  Everything about her trip was above board and frankly the Republicans should be ashamed of themselves for criticizing the First Lady.”

The White House has announced that Michelle Obama intends to make trips to Spain a yearly occurrence, dependent of course on someone dying first.

Two airplanes, hijacked by Muslim extremists were flown into Gracie Mansion, home of the Mayor of New York.

At 8:46 AM the first hijacked plane crashed into the north wing of Gracie Mansion.  As flames rose into the sky and firetrucks responded to the scene, Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference on the burning front porch of Gracie Mansion.

There are many rumors floating around about the possible motives of the hijacker.  I think my opponents who are blaming Muslims just need to shut the hell up.

As he finished his press conference at 9 AM a second plane crashed into the south wing of Gracie Mansion.  As jet fuel burned and office workers jumped out second story windows, some of them on fire, the FAA refused to ground flights in the New York Metropolitan area.

“By grounding flights we are sending the wrong message” said an FAA official. “It would be a victory for the racists in American society.”  

At approximately 9:30 Gracie Mansion finally collapsed, burying workers in the rubble.  First responders, including the FDNY and the NYPD moved survivors away from the rubble.  Several first responders voiced concerns that more planes might be hijacked and crashed into the area.  An incensed Mayor Bloomberg scolded them.

It’s a shame that we even have to talk about this.   We live in a free country.  If a Muslim wants to hijack a plane and fly it into building are you going to ask him, “Where do you pray?”  Whatever happened to freedom of religion in this society?  You first responders should shut up.  If you are on a plane and you see a Muslim with a box cutter murdering a flight attendant before entering the cockpit are you going to ask him “Where do you come from?  Who are your parents? Where did you get this box cutter?”  A handful of people ought to be ashamed of themselves.

As the wreckage of Gracie Mansion smoldered, military jets patrolled the air space over Manhattan and the Pentagon debated a response.  It was decided that in the event other planes were hijacked not to attempt to shoot them down.

“We don’t want to appear judgmental” said  Admiral Michael  Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Mayor Bloomberg has announced a memorial service for the hijackers who died at Gracie Mansion.

“Life is all about building bridges” said the Mayor.

“It ain’t like football.  You can’t make up no trick plays” ~ Yogi Berra

Is there anything more beautiful than attending a weekday matinee baseball game?  It’s like a victory over life.  Instead of being at work and taking grief from interns probably 20 years younger than you are, you go to a game.  Now your biggest problems are keeping score, explaining the infield rule to the tourist sitting next to you and figuring out how many 11 dollar beers you can afford.

Of course, I work nights so it’s not quite the same.  But I have work days in the past so I know.  I know.  Look into my eyes and you’ll see I know what it’s like to want to strangle an intern, dismember the body and hide the parts in the back of the freezer.  Umm.  I’m just saying…..in case you’re in law enforcement and are reading this.  This is all theoretical.  No, I don’t care what you thought you saw the cat eating.

A day after defeating that other team whose name will not even pass my lips they met again for a getaway  matinee.  The Yankees started Phil  Hughes (13-5 3.92 ERA) while the team polite people do not mention started the tough John Lester (12-7 2.94 ERA.)

It was a pitcher’s duel from the start.  Phil Hughes pitched six solid innings giving up 2 runs on 6 hits while striking out three.  But John Lester was better, holding the Yankees hitless for the first  4 1/3 innings before giving up a single to Austin “Won’t be with the Yankees next year” Kearns.

The Yankees best chance to win came in the seventh when they loaded the bases with no out.  The person next to me asked me if I though they would score.  I replied, “Well, Posada’s on third.  No outs.  A home run may score him but you never know.”  Needless to say, the Yankees did not score. Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, Derek “Rally Killer” Jeter and Nick “It’s Sad When I’m Carrying the Team” Swisher all struck out.  Which points out the biggest weakness of this team:  They couldn’t move runners over if they were naked, covered in thousand dollar bills and oiled up in a Chinatown whore house.  I’m not sure that made sense but I like the image.  Let the MSM worry about making sense.  I’m just a blogger.

The Yankees did get a run in the top of the eighth when Mark Teixeira led off with a home run.

Final score:  That other team 2  Yankees 1

Notes on the game:

Granted, it’s Yankees and the Red Sawks, but do we really need SWAT teams outside the stadium?

I find it’s fun if I occasionally stand up in my seat and shout, “You maniacs!  You blew it up.  God damn you all to Hell!”  I recommend that everyone do this when attending a baseball game.

If  you don’t want to do this I suggest shouting, “Dr. Zaius would an ape make a human doll that talks?” or the old standby “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” A very appropriate shout in this case as the Red Sawks can stand in for the apes.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Lonely, depressed and unsure of how he stands with the Yankees, Nick Johnson took a second job as a vacuum cleaner salesman.  However when demonstrating its suction capacity to a client Johnson tragically sucked his entire face off, leaving just veins, teeth and eye sockets. Gruesome as the injury is, the Yankees are confident, absolutely confident this will in no way delay his return to the starting lineup.

Recommended reading material:

The Civil War as a Theological Crisis by Mark A. Noll.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “They have these nice crackers.  I like to eat crackers.  Sometimes they land on my shirt and my dog licks them off.  It tickles.  Oh, and lay off Philadelphia.”

Poor D.B.  I told him not to institutionalize himself but he wouldn’t listen.

L.K. of New Jersey writes “So you’re saying that if my neighbors think they see my cat playing with what appears to be a human bone I can say it’s just their imagination?”

L.K., I am not authorized to give that information out.  But, yes.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “The movements of the genitals…..don’t obey reason.”

Speak for yourself Tom.  My genitals always obey reason.  And that reason tells me to do whatever actress Olivia D’Abo asks me to do.

So this year my record stands at a nonimpressive 8-7.  My next game is Tuesday August 17th against the Detroit “The city is on a rebound.  Seriously.” Tigers.

Go Yankees!

“Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton, 1988

Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play the Devil’s pawn, the fast fading Boston Red Sawks.  As CC Sabathia pitched yesterday, today would have been A.J. Burnett’s start.  As I was riding the subway up to the Bronx I was pondering which A.J. would show up?  Good A.J. or bad A.J.  Fortunately A.J. was scratched with groin stiffness.  (Isn’t that just like a professional athlete?)

In place of the groin-ravaged Burnett the Yankees started Dustin Moseley (2-1 3.86 ERA) while the Red Sawks started Josh “Asshole” Beckett (3-2 6.21 ERA).

The Yankees got on the board first when Brett Gardner singled Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman to third.  He scored on the throwing error by Bill Hall.   Gardner scored when Jeter hit a shallow single.  2-0 Yankees after two. The Red “Devil’s Pawn” Sawks got a run back in the top of the fifth when the aforementioned Bill  Hall homered to deep left.  However the Yankees batted around in the bottom of the inning, scoring five runs on four hits, including a Mark Teixeira home run to the bleachers one section to my left. 7-1 Yankees after five.  The Red “respectable society does not root for them” Sawks scored their final run in the top of the seventh when Mike Lowell, pinch hitting for Kevin Cash singled home Adrian Beltre.

Final score:  Yankees 7 Red Sawks 2

Notes on the game:

Beating the Red Sawks is a joyful feeling.  A feeling of satisfaction and contentment.  Much like accidentally stumbling across great porn on the internet.  One feels alive.  “This is what life is all about!  And thank god that site I accidentally stumbled upon took my credit card.”

One day after doing his best Nick Johnson impression and getting injured in batting practice, Alex Rodriguez was back in the lineup.  However he was mostly ineffective.

Lance Berkman, who hit a line drive off AROD’s ankle in batting practice yesterday had his first good day as a Yankee, going 3-4 and driving in a run while scoring two.  Ever the team player, AROD has graciously volunteered to be hit by line drives by Berkman before every game.  “It’s all for the team” said Alex. He also said, “Derek is so mean to me sometimes.  I don’t know why I love him. But God help me I do.  I do.”

Before the game I bumped into a couple NYPD officers in the men’s room.  I was tempted to say “security is so tight I was barely able to smuggle in my rifle.” But for the first time in my life my I listened to my internal censor. Probably saved me from a savage beating.

There were five citizens from the Red Sawks Nation sitting behind me in the bleachers.  Talk about illegal immigration.  Where’s Arizona’s Governor when you need her?

Being televised by ESPN, John Kruk and his fellow announcers were on the field before the game.  Kruk, true to form, had smothered Trey Wingo in BBQ sauce and was consuming him.  Mmmmm.  Buffalo Wingos!

A couple of good fights in the bleachers.  A couple of drunk Red Sawks fans were ejected.  It’s tough being a small market team with a small payroll.  I mean it’s tough having the second highest payroll in the majors and still sucking.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While sitting on the toilet in the locker room, Nick got stuck on the throne.  Paramedics were called who had to use the jaws of life to separate Johnson from the toilet.  “Please hurry” pleaded Johnson. “The blood has stopped flowing to my ass.  It’s falling asleep!”  Too late.  Once he was freed from the toilet and overcompensating for his numb ass, Johnson slipped on the linoleum floor, knocking himself unconscious and suffering a concussion.  Yankee executives are confident, absolutely confident that this will in no way impede his quick return to the lineup.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “J.D. Drew.  Yeah you Drew.  Listen.  I have this rash.  Do you know of any good ointments or creams to stop the burning?” didn’t even draw a response from Drew.  He never turned around.  I guess it’s true about pro athletes. They have their money and don’t care about the fans.

Recommended reading material:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia write, “Leave Kruk alone or I’ll send some of my boys up to New York to give you a Chicago overcoat.”

Wow.  Philadelphia.  A cold dark cruel unlivable place, devoid of oxygen and hostile to all life.  Like Pleasant Valley, New York, or my laundry basket.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I learned a new word!  I learned a new word!’

Must be all that mary jane she smokes.  She forgets lots of words.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Lustful caresses are always fatal.”

You are a wet blanket Tom.

So my record this year stands at 8-6.  My next game is Monday August 9th against the Bahstahn Red Sawks.  What does Bahstahn do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!