Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel just give me your purse lady and no one gets hurt I have the distinct pleasure of interviewing Locutus of Borg.  Locutus is a controversial figure here on Earth, seeing as he was charged with making our assimilation into the Borg collective easier.  I am honored that he has chosen me for his first Earth interview.

MI:  Welcome Locutus.  Let’s start out with some background questions about you.

LB:  I am Locutus of Borg.

MI: Yes I know that.  Now how did you get the job as the spokesman for the Borg?

LB:   Resistance is futile.

MI:  That’s what I told my ex wife on our first date when I had her in the back seat of my car.

LB:  Your life as it has been is over.

MI:  That’s what my ex wife told me when we got married.   Now what I’d - 

LB:   From this time forward you will service us.

MI:  Hey pal I ain’t servicing nobody until I see some cash up front.

LB:  You will disarm your weapons and escort us to sector 0-0-1. If you attempt to intervene we will destroy you.

MI:  And that’s why my wife’s divorce lawyer told me.  Now what I’d like to know - 

LB:  Resistance is futile.

MI:  Alright I’m going to have to ask you to get off your talking points or I’ll cut your mike.

LB:  [Pause.]  Okay.  The queen won’t like this but what would you like to know. 

MI:  You’re first attempt to assimilate Earth was unsuccessful.  What makes you think the second attempt will succeed?

LB:  Well basically with our first try we didn’t do our homework.  We chose the wrong area to assimilate.

MI:  You’re referring to the Borg landing in New York City?

LB:  Yes.  Specifically upper Manhattan.  Washington Heights I believe you humans call it.

MI:  What happened?

LB:  I walked into this bodega and the told the woman behind the counter that resistance was futile and that her life as she knows it is over.  I mean that line always worked on other worlds.

MI:  What did she do?

LB:  She said, “You better show some respect when you talk to me Papi!”  And the she slapped me.  Knocked some of my Borg implants out.  

MI:  That must have been embarrassing.

LB:  It was………..undignified.

MI:  And then what?

LB:  The next thing I know I was surrounded by Earthers.  They kept taunting me saying, “Chump ass with the implants don’t start no trouble won’t be no trouble.”

MI:  You’re not used to resistance?

LB:  Hell no.  Usually we just give them the old ‘resistance is futile’ line and they fold.   But these New Yorkers chased me out of the store and up Broadway throwing things at me.  I think they fired a few shots as well.

MI:  Well it serves you right.  You just don’t walk into a bodega in Washington Heights and pull that shit. You’re lucky you’re still alive.  So how did this episode end?

LB:  Well to make a long story short I ended up face down floating in the Harlem River.  Most of my Borg implants had been stolen.  And my wallet was missing too.

MI:  Borgs carry wallets?

LB:  Where else are we going to store our credit cards?

MI:  Interesting.  So then what?

LB:  I floated over to the Bronx where some Seventh Day Adventists picked me up and cared for me.   And hey they did me a whale of good.  I converted.  I’m a vegetarian now.  No pork, shellfish, alcohol or tobacco for me.  I’m clean.  

MI:  What do the other Borg think of your conversion?

LB:  They were concerned at first.  They thought my new religious beliefs would make me lose my edge.  But then I explained to them that Seventh Day Adventists were not Methodists and that seemed to allay their fears.

MI: So what’s next for Locutus of Borg?

LB:  Well I’m getting my green card.  And I’m opening a flower shop.  “Resistance to my flowers is futile” is the slogan.  Pretty catchy don’t you think?

MI:  I, wow.  Um.  I don’t know what to say.

LB:  Hey can we wrap this up?  I’m late for the Adventist picnic.  Why don’t you come along?

MI:  Okay.  Will there be any alcohol?

LB:  Alcohol?  Please.  We’re not Catholics.

MI: Then I’m going to have to pass.  Thank you for the interview.

LB:  No problem.  And if you see Deanna Troi tell her I’m sorry I haven’t called her but I’ve been busy.

MI:  Will do.

I thank Locutus of Borg for his time.  And drop by his flower shop.  I like to see small businesses succeed.

Then Barack spoke to the multitudes and to his disciples in the mainstream media

Saying:  The congressman and senators have sitten in their seats in the Capitol building.

And they love the first places at campaign dinners, and the chairs in first class on airplanes.

And to appear on talk shows and be called, honorable elected representative.

But there is one master who deserves first places on campaign dinners and to fly around America on Air Force One to his campaign dinners and that is me.

And call none your master; for one is your master, who is me.

Neither be ye called masters; for one is your master, me.

He that is the greatest among you shall be an unelected bureaucrat in the Federal government.

But woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you shut the kingdom of socialism against men, for you yourselves would pay our debt.

Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you devour meat dishes in the Capitol cafeteria instead of eating healthy green socialist food.

Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you fly back to your districts to make one man vote for you; and when he votes, you make him the child of hell twofold because he opposes redistribution.

Ye foolish and blind; for whether is greater, socialism or the Capitol building that should sanctifieth the socialism?

Ye blind: for whether is greater, the pork your elected representative brings to your district, or the altar of socialism that sanctifieth the pork?

And whosoever shall swear by the temple of socialism, sweareth by the throne of socialism, and by him that sitteth theron, being me.

Blind guides, who strain out arugula, and swallow a bacon cheeseburger.

Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you are like a Burger King, which outwardly appear to men beautiful because of their burgers, but within are full of bones, and of all filthiness.

So you outwardly indeed appear to men to be socialists and just; but inwardly you are full of capitalism and iniquity.

You serpents, generation of viper capitalists, how will you flee from the judgment of socialism?

Therefore behold I send you prophets of socialism like Van Jones, and wise men like Timothy Geithner, and scribes like Eric Holder: and some of them you will not ratify, and some you will be mean to and persecute in Washington D.C.

That upon you may come all the socialist blood that hath been shed upon Gaia.

From the blood of Bill Ayers the just, even unto the blood of Diana Oughton, the girlfriend of the just Bill Ayers, who was killed in the temple of her apartment whilst building a bomb to the altar of socialism.

Amen I say to you, all these things shall come upon this generation of ungrateful voters, for have you not the son of redistribution in the White House now?

Washington D.C., Washington, D.C., thou that fails to reelect the prophets of socialism that are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered together thy children, as the hen doth gather her chickens under her wings, and goeth to a free-range farm where we shall taste happier.

Behold, your house, bought with a Freddie Mac loan shall be left to you, desolate.

For I say to you, you shall not see me henceforth till you say:  Blessed is he that cometh in the name of redistribution.

[To be continued.]

Bin Laden: First order of business. No t-shirts on  suicide bombers. Y’understand that? See the shirts that everybody’s wearing? Everybody pr… Where’s the, where’s the guy at the end, the new trombone player in the al-Qaeda house band, who’s missing?

Unidentified: He weren’t wearing a t-shirt.

Bin Laden: Yeah, I know. The other guy on the end had the t-shirt. T-shirts! Didn’t I say shirts?

Unidentified: Yep.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri: I thought he was covered.

Bin Laden: You thought, you thought.. you thought, you thought eight things tonight. You’re on fuckin’ notice, Zawahiri. I gave you a list, ya got half the list that I gave you – we’re choosing everything on it. OK? The guys get shirts. Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. D’ya understand? We’re not going to be as strong as our weakest link! The guys get shirts. Y’understand that? This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shirts.

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Your first start was getting your goddamned list correct. So there’s no confusion. When I write something down it gets exactly that. Now what are we going to do about these suicide bombers?

al-Zawahari: Uh, the suicide bombers? I’m kind of waiting for you, I usually . . .

Bin Laden: What did we discuss at the last meeting? I wasn’t going to take “I’m not Anyone.” Is that correct?

al-Zawahari:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: All right, now what are we going to do about  the suicide bombers? ‘Cuz I’m walking around, waitin’ and waitin’, and then you finally give it, and the bomb goes off early and not one infidel gets killed.  Only the bomber gets killed.  Where was everybody?

al-Zawahari:  I don’t know. Evidently they were watching you when they should have been watching me.

Bin Laden:  Wha..but you were doing it!

Unidentified: I did it.

 Bin laden: What’s it going to be guys. Who’re you watchin’?

Unidentified: I’d suggest they watch me, I’ll watch you.

Bin Laden: But you were the only one to watch!

Unidentified: Absolutely.

Bin Laden: Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane when he’s landing, he not only looks at his instruments, but he looks at the fuckin’ runway to make sure it’s there. What do you look at? Who’re you watching? Where were you guys  when you were supposed to coordinate the suicide bombers?  What happened?

Unidentified: I was late because I usually watch you on that . . . and he . . .and, uh…I…

Bin Laden: If I’m not doin’, if I’m not doing anything, and he throws… Do you remember the last meeting where I said a bow I’ll do to signal the suicide bombers? What is the confusion on these bombings?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that?

What’s it going to be, guys? You want fucking Vinny Falcone in front? Do you want me to go up and get a suicide bomb conductor that’ll sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want? D’ya want your jobs? Where’s Joe?

I tell ya I want the suicide bombers to coordinate their actions. D’ya understand that? I want the fuckin’bombers. OK? There is a lot of loose shit going on and I’m telling you you guys are on thin ice. All right? I’m telling you right now. And when I fuckin’ move I slice like a fuckin’ hammer. You’ve seen it and I’ll do it again. When I tell you the suicide bombers you better look and make sure everybody’s here when you walk in this room. I will not put up with this shit. D’ya understand that?

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Every one of your fuckin’ checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your fuckin’ service. Do you hear me? D’ya understand that?

You guys have three fuckin’ days to get it together. All of you head of your departments. OK? What is that blue light doing over there on the suicide bomber? Is that a signal? What is that all about?

Unidentified: That was a fuckup.

Bin Laden: That was a fuckup. I, I see that again, you’re gone with the rest of them. Is that clear?

Unidentified: Mmm Hmm.

Bin Laden: That’s just the way it is around here. D’ya understand that? That’s how fuckin’ crucial this is. You have nothing to do but watch and look for my signal as to when the suicide bombers should strike, correct? You have nothing else to worry about.

You will straighten out this goddamn shit.

Unidentified:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: D’ya understand? You will get it straight.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda.

Unidentified: I know it.

Bin Laden:  Do you guys have any to add to this, can you help him out? You guys have, can you add to this, the confusion? Can you give us some intelligent input here? What is your problem?

I’m warning you, I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. D’ya understand that?

Do you want him to lose his job? Do you? Then put me some fuckin’ knowledge in here! Tell me what’s wrong!  Now give me some intelligent fuckin’ answers. Who’re you watching? Go ahead.

Unidentified: Well I have an idea.

Bin Laden:  I don’t want an idea, I want to know what went wrong and I wanta know how to fix it.

Unidentified:  Well that was on me.  It won’t happen again. Absolutely.

Bin Laden:  Where’s Joe?

Now guys I’m giving you all one week to get this together. OK? I’m giving you one week. To execute the suicide bombings the way they’re supposed to be done.  I’m giving everybody one week. Everybody’s got one week to do it right. ‘Cuz I’m in my form right now. If you guys are not going to come up and support me with the enthusiasm I’ve got for it, it ain’t gonna work. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda…and you are letting me down. D’ya understand that?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that? And the only satisfaction I’m going to get is to ream your fucking asses like the coach of a ball team or any goddamn business till you get it. D’ya understand that? Because if you don’t feel embarrassed about it, then you have no conscience, you got no heart you got no integrity. D’ya understand that? Then all you do is you take the fuckin’ money and you’ve got no substance, remember that. People of substance and character care about who the fuck they blow up and they fix it. OK? And I think that you’re working with me because I think that’s the way you are. And I don’t pull any punches with you guys. I am telling you that his job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move.

I don’t care if you’re a veteran suicide bomber, a mid-level suicide bomber, or an apprentice suicide bomber like last night – you understand? I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ - yes I know he probably wouldn’t want to work for us anyway but go with me on this. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. If you don’t do it my way, then it’s the highway. Things go the way they’re supposed to, properly with integrity, or no one is fucking dispensable and you all fucking can go.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. You understand that? It’s just the kick that I’m on, the mood that I’m on. I don’t care.

Is that fair enough? I’m warning you. Is that good enough, for all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. If you really don’t care step forward you can go work for MSNBC.

Now we’re all important in the totality. You don’t care like I care, I don’t need you guys to take my money. Just like that guy last night, that fucked up my bomber and we’re short labor – I lost out 20 or 30 fuckin’ thousand dollars because my bomber got fucked. D’ya understand? You understand where I’m coming from with integrity?

You guys better have the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable. D’you all like your jobs? D’you want your jobs? Do you?

You understand? You better make it right.

If you don’t do the job, you’re gone. And that goes for everybody. And that’s Just. The fucking. Way. It is!!

Because you got it too good!! And as long as you got it good, you gotta make it good. Get it fuckin’ right. That’s just the way it is around here.

D’you hear me? D’you understand that?

Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me!!

Where’s Joe?

Fast upon the heels of the shocking revelation that the presumptive Republican presidential nominee taunted and viciously bullied a gay classmate, other victims of Romney’s sadistic mean streak have come forward to tell their tales.

“He used to come into my diner all time time” said one man.

Usually I wouldn’t let the college kids anywhere near my diner but he looked respectable.  Preppie-like.  So I let him in.  That was a big mistake  Immediately he started taunting me, asking for more ketchup. He kept saying “May I have more ketchup please?” and “I need more ketchup over here.”  I couldn’t take his bullying anymore.  It changed my life and started my downward cycle.  I lost all interest in companionship, abandoned my wife and started beating up puppies.  Eventually I was caught and went to jail.  And I blame Romney and his taunting!

Linus Van Pelt (pictured here) tells his sad tale of suffering at the hands of a cruel and twisted Romney.

I used to be happy.  I used to believe!  Then I crossed paths with Romney.  It was Halloween eve and I was sitting in a pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin.  Romney comes along and says, “Hey kid, what’cha doing?” I told him I was waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive.  He laughed and said “You know there is no such thing.  You should become a Mormon.”  Up until that moment I had never doubted my faith.  But after this sick twisted bastard I lost it all.  I no longer believe in anything.  I live in a studio apartment, drink every night and usually wake up covered in my own vomit.  Romney you bastard!

Marvin the Martian tells reporters that Romney broke his spirit.

I met him when he was a young man.  He said my helmet made me look like a “hoplite.”  Me!  Marvin the Martian!  Martians are superior in every way to humans.  And this sadist calls me a hoplite?  I was so humiliated by his bullying I dropped my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.  Do you know how long I had been working on that?  I cried.  I broke down and cried.  Mitt Romney makes me angry, very angry indeed!

Indeed!  I ask all Americans:  Is this the man we want as our President?  A sadist.  A taunter. A bully with no conscience, regard or feelings for his fellow man?

Can our fractured, bleeding, divided country take four years of Romney and his climate of hate in the White House?

The answer my fellow citizens is no!  Our country is suffering from a bullying epidemic.  We need examples of tolerance.  Mitt Romney is not that man.

And that is why I am endorsing Dan Savage for President. Dan Savage.  The man will silence and bully all bullies.

In what could be a first scientists have discovered a 2000-year old body fully preserved inside former baseball player Wade Boggs after Boggs went to his doctor complaining of “gasiness and feeling bloated.”

“I thought maybe I had an ulcer or something” Boggs told doctors later.

Instead, upon giving Boggs an endoscopy doctors were startled to find a fully preserved human body.  When informed of the reason for his medical complaints Boggs blamed former teammate Bill Buckner.

“Son of a bitch was always losing things.”

A Bog, prevalent throughout northern Europe, is a wetland that accumulates acidic peat.  Because of a bog’s anaerobic environment, combined with the presence of tannic acids, bogs have the unique ability to preserve biological material and it is not unusual to find bodies that are hundreds of years old perfectly preserved.

Scientists successfully extracted the body from Boggs for study and analysis.  Using radiocarbon dating it was determined that the body was from the fourth century B.C.

Said a scientist who studied the body:

We’ve all seen bodies preserved in bogs before but usually they are real bogs not someone named Boggs.  Science hasn’t seen anything like this since Julius La Rosa was discovered inside the body of Arthur Godfrey. We’re at a loss as to the explanation really.  Microbes?  Parasites? We know that Boggs used to eat chicken before every game.  Perhaps he had some bad chicken that morphed into a body?  But we feel that the most likely explanation is still the one Boggs gave us:  We think it was Bill Buckner’s fault.  Son of a bitch was always losing things.

The Boggs body, dubbed the “Creepy What the Fuck Man?” is on display at the Smithsonian.

It’s important that people see this.  Scientists are always seeking to expand our knowledge of the physical laws of the universe.  We feel that what was found inside Wade Boggs is just the beginning.  Who knows what may be inside other baseball players.  Look at David Ortiz!  We’d love to cut him open and take a look.  I bet we’d find a pony, an old Linux server or perhaps a fully preserved Gary Coleman.

As for Wade Boggs, he is just happy to have the body out of him.

“I don’t feel bloated anymore.  And I can have dairy products again.  That bastard Buckner is going to pay for this.”

From his home in Idaho Bill Buckner told reporters, “Come on.  I make one error and everyone is still blaming me for everything.  Hey, has anyone seen my lawnmower?”

And Barack answering, spoke again in parables to them, for Barack is very very smart.

The  Kingdom of Socialism is likened to a government employee who made a marriage for his son and his lover in a state that recognized their union.

And he sent emails and texts to call them that were invited to the marriage; and they would not come.

Again he created a facebook page about the wedding, saying:  Behold, I have prepared my dinner; my arugula and other green low cholesterol food is ready.  Verily I say, it is bland but healthy.

But they neglected until he put meat on the menu, and went their ways, one to his oil rig, and another to his Wall Street office.

But when the government employee had heard of it, he was angry and sent out another text calling them murderers and threatening to burn their city.  For he can say this as it is not a hate crime when progressives say it.

Then he saith on his facebook page:  The marriage is indeed ready; but they that were invited are selfish capitalists, exploiters and profit-seekers.

And going forth into the college campuses and communes he gathered together all they that hate capitalism and loveth socialism:  and the marriage was filled with guests.

And the government employee went in to see the guests: and he saw a man talking about drilling for oil and building a pipeline from Canada to the Gulf.

And he saith to him:  Friend, how camest thou hither not having on the garment of socialism?  But he was silent.

Then the government employee said:  Bind his hands and feet and call him a racist for he hates Gaia and cast him outside:  there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when he misses the arugula dessert.

Then the conservative Democrats going, consulted among themselves how to ensnare him in his speech. 

And they said, tell us therefore, what dost thou think, is it lawful to pay your fair share of taxes or not?

But Barack knowing their betrayal of socialism said:  Why do you tempt me, ye southern rubes?

Show me a coin.  And they offered him a quarter, for the Fed stopped making pennies because they cost more to make than they are worth.

And Barack saith to them: Whose image is on the quarter?  Yeah verily I know it is a racist slave holder.

They saith to him:  George Washington.  Then he saith to them:  And did not this racist consider it his duty to pay his fair share of taxes?

And hearing this they wondered, and leaving him went home to their districts and voted Republican.

Then came to him the conservatives, who say there is no socialism; and asked him,

Saying:  Constitutional scholar Barack, If a man die, having no son, shall not the government appropriate all his property?

Now there were with us seven brethren: and the first died and left his property to his brother.

In like manner the second, and third, and so on to the seventh.

In the Kingdom of Socialism therefore does the government still get the property?  For they all left it to a family member.

And Barack answering, said to them:  You err, not knowing the tax code, nor the power of the Federal government.

For in socialism they shall not pass on their property to family members; but shall give all to the government to redistribute the wealth.

And the multitudes of his disciples in the mainstream media hearing it, were in admiration at his doctrine.

And one of them, a political reporter at a cable news network, asked him:

Good lord Barack, which is the greatest duty of American citizens?

Barack said to him:  Thou shalt love the Federal government with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy mind.

This is the greatest and first duty in a Republic.

And the second is like to this:  Pay your fair share of taxes.

And no man was able to answer him a word: neither durst any man from that day forth ask him any more questions for they are no match for Barack’s intellect and knowledge of the Constitution.

[To be continued.]

The Cool:

• Teddy Roosevelt. What made Teddy Roosevelt cool? Perhaps it was the homosexual subtext of his life, from the pornstache to his editing a magazine called “The Advocate.”  And as we all know, homosexuals are cool.  Plus, Teddy Roosevelt once rode a moose across a river and he made that bitch moose enjoy it. No nasty internal combustion engines for Teddy. He believed in green, renewable energy.  He would have made Solyndra work.
• FDR.  What made FDR cool?  He was handicapped!  And handicapped people are way cool!  No nasty relying on his own brute manly strength for FDR. No, he redistributed his strength to other people who helped him around.  Truly FDR’s lesson in socialism and redistribution is relevant to us all.  Bonus: He had an ugly lesbian wife! Coolness personified!
• John Kennedy. What made John Kennedy cool?  He married a woman of French descent who, raised on the east coast, did not have any unfortunate “middle-American” tendencies like being unfashionable.  Indeed one could say that Michelle Obama is the reincarnation of Jackie Kennedy. Bonus:  Kennedy died quickly after being shot.  (See yesterday’s post.) Bonus bonus:  He slept with this woman.
• Andrew Jackson. What made Andrew Jackson cool?  Let me count the ways.  He kicked British butt.  He shot a man in cold blood just to watch him die.  He married a woman who may have been a person of color. Optimus Prime considered him a trusted ally. The only thing that prevents Andrew Jackson from being the coolest (excepting Obama) president ever was his unfortunate Presbyterianism. (See yesterday’s post.)
• And our coolest President ever?  James Buchanan. Why is James Buchanan (excepting Obama) our coolest president ever?  Simple.  He was gay. And gay people are so way cool.  Sixty five years before Judy Garland was born Buchanan introduced the “Friday night social” at the White House were he and other single men would listen to Judy Garland albums and discuss their feelings.  I have no evidence that any of this actually happened  But I’m a liberal.  Who needs evidence.  For being a liberal is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that appear not.   Bonus: He invented the iPad.

And there you have it readers.  Our five coolest presidents ever.  Honorable mention goes to James Madison (the original Glam Rocker), William Henry Harrison (He died in 30 days.  How very John Paul I of him), and of course Jimmy Carter who kept this country safe from rabbits (who may or may not have been Decepticons.)

The Uncool:

• William Howard Taft. Why was he uncool?  Simple.  He was fat.  Very fat  Our fattest President ever.   And fat is not cool.  Unless it’s a fat black man dressed in sweats and a hoodie who can delight us with his rap stylings.  That is cool.  Fat white men?  Not so not cool.
• James Monroe. Why was he uncool?  One word:  B-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ring.  How boring was James Monroe?  No one even bothered to run against him in 1820 because he bored the opposition out of existence.  When he died no one even suspected he was dead until he started voting Democratic.
• Dwight David Eisenhower. Why was he uncool?  What did he ever do? What did he ever accomplish in his life?  I’m a liberal which means I’m intelligent, well-read and nuanced and I can find no record of any accomplishments by this man. Nothing!  Besides.  Look at him!  He looks like he should be on “To Catch a Predator.”  Well, actually now that you mention it that might be cool.
• James Garfield. Why was he uncool?  He was shot.  That doesn’t make him uncool per se.  What makes him uncool is that it took him four months to die.  Just man up and die will you.  He ended up sticking around longer than a Who farewell tour.
• And our uncoolest President ever?  Woodrow Wilson. Why was he uncool?  Let me count the ways.  1.  His name was Woodrow.  Woodrow!  And no cool person can ever be called Woodrow.  Well, except for Woodrow Parfrey. But I digress.  2. He was a Presbyterian.  A Presbyterian!  They’re almost as uncool as Methodists!  3. He had a stroke in office.  While this doesn’t make him uncool per se it took him five years to die.  (See James Garfield.)

And there you have it readers.  Our five uncoolest Presidents.  Yes, I know I am probably leaving out some of your favorite uncool leaders such as John Adams. (Short, fat and bald.  What is this?  An HBO comedy special?), William McKinley (it took him a week to die - see James Garfield) and of course the unspeakable bastard that is John Tyler. (Just look at his nose.  I suspect he was Italian.  Which is not cool.)

Tomorrow - our five coolest Presidents.

And who wouldn’t want to have native American heritage?  They are a noble race and have lots of casino money to burn. Well readers.  Ask no more. Here is a handy guide to establishing your native American heritage.  Just take this simple quiz and grade yourself.  Who knows?  You might be a way-to-cool-for-school minority!

Answering “A” is worth 1 point.  Answering “B” is worth 5 points.  Answering “C” is worth 10 points.  Good luck!

• Have you ever felt guilty watching a Western?

A.  Never.

B.  Yes.

C.  I have high cheekbones.

•  If you answered “Yes” to the first question, why did you feel guilty?

A.  I had just masturbated.

B.  It made me uncomfortable watching native Americans forced off their land.

C.  They have high cheekbones just like me!

•  Does the “Trail of Tears” mean anything to you?

A.  Trail of Tears?  That happens after every time I masturbate.

B.  It was not a proud moment in American history.  Those poor noble native Americans!

C.  Trail of tears?  They run down my sexy and very high cheekbones!

• Should the United States government give land back that they stole from native Americans?

A.  Hey, it’s totally natural.  Everyone touches themselves at some point and I’m very lonely.  Why doesn’t she call?

B.   We have a moral duty to give the land back.

C.  My high cheekbones burn with anger at the thought that the white man stole my ancestor’s land.

• Have you ever been thrown out of a bar in Manhattan at 4 am? I wasn’t You weren’t even doing anything wrong! 

A.  This happens to the Manhattan Infidel  me all the time.  What’s up with these jerk bartenders?

B.  Okay so maybe calling the bartender an “Irish prick” wasn’t the right thing to do but like I’m supposed to believe him when he says the jukebox isn’t working.

C.  The Irish prick was just jealous of my sexy and high cheekbones.

Now wasn’t that test easy?  Now it’s time to tally up your score.

If you have between three and seven points you have no native American heritage in you.  You may have high cheekbones but they are probably the result of automobile accident.

If you scored between eight and 15 points there is a slight possibility you have native American heritage. Does your family have any oral history of an ancestor who perhaps was a half-breed?  If you don’t have high cheekbones consider plastic surgery.

If you scored more than 15 points then congratulations!  You are a bona fide native American.  You are noble and your racial consciousness burns with indignation over the land that was taken from you.  Don’t believe me?  Just look in the mirror and check out those high cheekbones!  Those in themselves are proof of native American heritage.  Use your new-found racial identity to begin a career in politics.

There you have it readers.  I hope all of you discovered native American heritage.  But seriously there has to be a bar somewhere around here that hasn’t banned me.

E! Entertainment Television plans to film a biopic of the Courtney Love story. While roles are still being cast it has been announced that the all-important role of Britney Spears will be played by Lindsay Lohan.

Said an executive with E!:

We are proud to have Lindsay Lohan on board for this project.  I met with Lindsay personally to offer her the role.  She had one question:  Why were the helicopters following her around all the time.  And then she offered to suck my dick for some crack before throwing up on me and passing out.  Which I take it to mean she agreed to our price.  Actually I think she’s just happy to be working again.

Britney Spears will also be in the biopic. However she will not play the coveted role of Britney Spears.

Yes.  Britney is on board.  Though we felt she lacked the emotional versatility to play herself.  So instead she will be playing the part of Whitney Houston. We felt that there was only one person who could play Whitney and that was Britney.  And our decision has nothing to do with the fact that their first names end with the same letters.  We in Hollywood do not make decisions in that fashion.  No.  We use Ouija boards instead. And we contacted Whitney on the other side and she is fine with the casting.  At least we think that’s what she said.  It was hard to hear over the screams and the roasting flesh.  Who knew hell could be so noisy?

One last piece of casting to be determined is who will play the title role of Courtney Love?

We are still trying to fill the role.  Robert Downey Jr. was originally the odds-on favorite until we found out he was sober.  Typical selfish Hollywood actor!  Well it’s his loss.  So now we watch TMZ every night and read the trade magazines to see who is currently overdosing.  It shouldn’t be long before the role is filled.

The Courtney Love story will air in the fall of 2012 and will be sponsored by Pristiq, because depression is a serious medical condition that affects millions of people.