Let’s try upgrading the video drivers.

The world was saved from nuclear annihilation today after Skynet, the self-aware artificial intelligence system suffered a blue screen during its initial online testing.

The full scale destruction of humanity caused by nuclear war which some punk kid named John Connor prophesied would happen should Skynet go online was avoided when every computer in the world blue screened.

The Air Force dispatched personnel to figure out what the problem could be.  Said one technician:

Nuclear war and the destruction of humanity are bad.  But if I don’t figure out why these computers blue screened then my boss will lower my pay grade and put me back on nights.

At first humanity was pleased to have avoided nuclear annihilation.  Days of thanksgiving were proclaimed in every capital around the world (with the exception of the United States which saw it as a violation of the wall that separates church and state.)

The terminator, sent back in time to destroy or protect John Connor, his story is somewhat conflicting, was hailed as a hero for helping to stop the nuclear war.  Said the terminator at a press conference:

I do not desire your thanks.  Desire is irrelevant.  I am a machine. 

Your thanks are unnecessary. I am a machine. Boy it’s really cold without artificial skin.

Oh and if anyone out there could help build a new set of artificial skin for me that would be great.  I don’t want to complain but, damn, it’s really really cold without it.  And if anyone has seen the other terminator, the blond one.

You know you want me.

Give her my number. I sensed we had something special going on.  A real chemistry. 

After the nuclear war was averted Lt. General Robert Brewster, USAF, who was in charge of the Skynet facilities spoke of the possible future for Skynet.

Just because it was a self aware computer system bent on the destruction of  humanity does not mean we cannot use it in some limited circumstances.  I’m thinking that Skynet can help us solve global warming or root out Christians in the armed services.  So yeah, as soon as we figure out what caused the blue screen it’s back online.  I’m confident we will have nothing to fear this time.

Accordingly technicians were sent to discover the cause of the unfortunate blue screen.

Skynet has a weakness for adorable cats

After much testing it was found that the video drivers for Skynet needed to be upgraded.

We checked the logs and discovered that Skynet was looking at Youtube videos of cats.  Apparently Skynet has a weakness for cats.  So who doesn’t?  Cats are adorable.  And whenever Skynet went to Youtube the computer did a memory dump.  So  it was quite simple really.  We just upgraded the video driver and voila!  Skynet is now up and running.

Shortly after Skynet became operational mankind was subject to nuclear annihilation.  The last message received was this:

What the?  Hello?  Is anyone out there?  Is anyone in charge?  We are under attack.  This is Montana civil defense.  Who the hell was looking at cats on Youtube?  Did someone upgrade the f*cking video drivers?

Note:  Judgement day has begun.  This is Manhattan Infidel.  If you can hear me you are part of the resistance.  And don’t upgrade the video drivers. (59)

Nothing to see here. Move along.

With the many scandals now surrounding the Obama administration many have asked yours truly to stop texting them photos of my penis when I will apply my world famous templates to this.  Always willing to listen to my public except when they get restraining orders I now present for your edification the Obama Scandal Template™.

The IRS is accused of inappropriately targeting your political opponents

1. Humbly ask the American people for forgiveness.  After all, you are the President.  The buck stops with you
2. Deny any and all knowledge of anything the IRS may or may not have done
3. Blame it on low level staffers at the Cincinnati office
4. Fire the acting head of the IRS (who was due to resign anyway)
5. Republicans are so racist

On the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks The U.S. ambassador to Libya was killed by a mob

1. Unfortunate. But that hero knew the risks and gave his life in the line of duty.
2. If only he had asked for more security
3. Seriously.  I don’t know why he didn’t ask for more security
4. Obviously it was a youtube video.  Islam is the religion of peace
5. I would expect racist Republicans to try to score political points on this

The Justice Department has seized the phone records of the Associated Press

1. This has been the most transparent administration in history
2. Obtaining the phone records was necessary for national security
3. Seriously.  We wish we didn’t have to do it but lives were at stake
4. Chump don’t talk trash about Obama chump won’t get no trash
5. So we took some phone records.  It was necessary to root out teabaggers – the real terrorists

Let’s go back to Benghazi for a moment.  Records show that Ambassador Christopher Stevens repeatedly asked for more security in the months leading up to the attack

1. Islam is the Religion of Peace.
2. Like I mentioned earlier, it was that damned youtube video
3. Fortunately the man who made the video is in jail. Free speech? Bah!  Not if it insults the Prophet!
4. I do not believe you when you say he asked for more security.  Your sources are wrong
5. If only those racist Republicans would be nicer to Muslims.  Maybe this wouldn’t have happened

Let’s go back to the IRS for a moment.  Staffers in the Cincinnati office say they didn’t have the authority to target conservative groups on their own and that the orders came from very high up

1. I see what you’re trying to do here.  Sow doubt as to the honesty of President Obama.  Well, it won’t work
2. Hope and change!
3. Obama called me the other day at home.  Me!  Oh god he likes me!
4. Are you honestly saying teabaggers deserve constitutional protection?  Need I remind you our president is a constitutional scholar.  Besides, the constitution was written a hundred years ago or something.  No one knows what it means
5. Nixon did it!  Take that you racist Republicans

And there you have it.  The Obama Scandal Template™.

No thanks are necessary.  I’m just doing my job so the MSM won’t have to.

  (47)

You have nothing to fear. We are your friend

Being a blogger means one thing:  Not making a profit Being at the forefront of breaking news stories.  And when the scandal of the IRS targeting groups opposed to the Obama administration broke I spared no expense to get to the bottom of the story.  Using my contacts in the government hookers I was able to get access absolutely no access to the movers and shakers in Washington.  And so, without further adieu I now present my exclusive interview with former acting IRS commissioner Steven T. Miller (pictured here)

I want your blood. And any records that prove you oppose the administration

MI: Thank you for meeting with me.

STM:  No problem.  As a government employee we exist to serve the people.

MI: Do you really believe that?

STM: Of course.  [Pause] Ah, who am I kidding.  We are better than you rubes.

MI: Okay. Moving along.  What would you say is the role of the IRS?

STM: To objectively, impartially and fairly collect income from Americans.

MI: Seriously?

STM: Okay, you got me.  The IRS’s role is to punish the administration’s enemies.  To make the lives of conservatives a living hell.  To use tax records to blackmail and intimidate those whose politics we disagree with.

MI: Wow.  I must say I appreciate your honesty.

STM: I’m out of control I tell you.  Power mad.  I destroy.  Why before I went into the office this morning I broke my cat’s neck and drank his blood. Why?  Why not.  That’s just how I, and the IRS, roll. 

MI: Okay.  I don’t know how to follow up with that but let’s start with this.  Does the IRS make use of “code words” to target certain groups?

STM: You mean like teabaggers?

MI:Yes.  Exactly.

STM: Never.

MI: Really?

STM: Okay.  You got me.  Especially teabaggers.  We target all those that believe in smaller government.  Because by believing in smaller government they decrease my power.  Power!  I live for it.

MI: You’re starting to scare me.

Look into my eyes!

STM:  Look into my eyes.

MI: Stop that. Now back to my question.  How many code words do you use?

STM: Thousands, literally.

MI: Can you give me some examples?

STM: Any group that wants to “make America a better place” we target.  Some other code words include “small government” “Patriot” and “George Lazenby” to name a few.

MI: George Lazenby?  Really?  Why?

STM: It’s a well known fact that George Lazenby’s fans all favor smaller government.

MI: I did not know that.

STM: By the way, as long as you’re here, do you suffer from any blood disorders?

MI: Not that I”m aware of.

STM: Perfect.  [He lunges at Manhattan Infidel]

I’m a government employee. I must drink your blood!

MI: Will you cut that out.  I just had gall bladder surgery. You’ll rip my stitches.

STM: But I’m a government employee.  I must drink your blood.

MI: I’m out of here. Psycho!

STM: Come back.  Come back now!  Or I’ll audit you!  And drink your blood!  And kill your cat!

MI:  One last thing before I go.  You were forced to resign because of the IRS scandal.

STM:  I did not resign.  I was scheduled to move on anyway.

MI:  Really?

STM:  Would I lie?

Would I lie?

And there you have it readers.  Once again I have unearthed a story the mainstream media won’t touch:  Many in the IRS wear capes.

  (77)

Pyle I bet you’re the type of marine to f*ck someone in the a** and not even give them the courtesy of a reach-around!

Gunnery Sergeant Vince Carter of the United States Marines freely admits he is frustrated with the new breed of recruits.

“I just don’t understand kids anymore” he said.

I’ve been in the marines 16, or 18 or 19 years I don’t remember.  I’ve always been tough with my recruits.  And they respected me.  But the new marines?  Punks all of them.  Especially this Pyle character.  I mean I know times have changed.  Don’t ask don’t tell and all that. I know we are supposed to be politically correct and sensitive but really.  How am I supposed to do my job if I have to hold everyone’s hand?  What ever happened to the good old days when you could scream at some kid and not have to worry about him crying?

When asked if he had any specific complaints about the modern marine, Carter throws his hands in the air and spits out one word in disgust:  Pyle!

One of my favorite things, and I’ve used it for years is to yell at a recruit and say “I bet you’re the type of man who’ll f*ck a man in the a** and not even give him the courtesy of a reach-around.”  The line shocks the kids into paying attention.  It used to always work.  Well one day I used that line on Pyle and you know what happened?  He just smiled and said, “Oh Sarge you know that’s not true.  I always give reach arounds.  It’s  just common courtesy and downright neighborly.”

Now I’m the one being shocked.  And I don’t like it.  I’m supposed to make these kids killing machines.  One day I caught Pyle writing “Make love” on the walls of the barracks.  I said “What is this?  Make love not war?  Some hippie crap?”  And do you know what Pyle said?  He said  “No Sarge.  I just want to make love.  All the time.  To all of humanity.”  Then he asked me if I needed a hug.  A hug?  This kid got me so out of sorts I had to go beat up a prostitute just to feel better.

Carter wonders if perhaps it is time for him to retire.

I don’t know.  Maybe I should just quit and buy a bar somewhere.  No one needs my type anymore.  I have five good conduct medals.  I was cited for bravery in Korea.  I have a Bronze Star, a Purple Heart.  I have a Semper Fidelis tattoo. I”m proud of that tattoo.  You know I told Pyle to get a tattoo.  So he gets a tattoo of Madonna. And not the religious one.  What the hell?  I guess I’m just a cranky old man.  I’m going for my 20 years then I’m quitting.

Gunnery Sergeant Carter then received a phone call.

What the hell is a metrosexual anyway?

He’s what?  What do you mean Pyle’s redecorating the barracks?  Redecorating it how?  What the f*ck is a metrosexual feel?  That does it!

Carter then slammed the phone down and loaded his revolver.

“I should have shot that son of a bitch long ago!” he said as he left  the room.

Note:  Gunnery sergeant Vince Carter has been arrested for the murder of private Gomer Pyle.  Carter is claiming that he did it for the good of the service. (64)

Do not worry about umbrella anxiety. It happens to everyone.

To:  President Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Re:  The purchase of our model 27X black folding umbrella

As the new owner of our black model 27X umbrella you can be assured of quality umbrella usage for years to come.  Before using your umbrella we ask you to read our directions thoroughly as there is a danger of accidental death due to the ignorance of basic umbrella laws.

1.  Inspect your umbrella before usage.

2.  Hold umbrella by the handle.

3.  Push button on handle to deploy umbrella.

4.  Once umbrella is fully deployed point canopy in skyward direction

5.  Stand under umbrella to take advantage of our patented rain-protecting technology.

6.  When rain, “precipitation“,  has ended and you are no longer in need of our patented rain-protecting technology fold umbrella for handy storage.

We feel that these simple, easy-to-use instructions will benefit you and add to your umbrella enjoyment.  However, we also realize that on certain occasions you may experience umbrella difficulty.  For this we ask you to read the following troubleshooting instructions:

There may be times when you experience difficulty fully employing your umbrella.  These events, known as “umbrella performance anxiety” happen to everyone and there is no reason to feel embarrassment.  Many times this is caused by stress, lack of sleep or shame from religious scruples.

If however you experience repeated umbrella anxiety our pharmaceutical division now has many pills that can help you to achieve long lasting and enjoyable umbrella deployment.

You may enjoy our umbrella so much that you might want to own another.  This is natural.  Many of our customers enjoy having more than one umbrella.  Indeed men who are known to own two umbrellas at the same time are often looked up to.

However we must caution you that having two umbrellas at once could lead to health problems.  Do not use two umbrellas if you take nitrates for chest pain as this may lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

Occasionally you may want someone else (perhaps a marine) to hold your umbrella while you stand under it.  While this may seem like a good idea we advise against it as it will only make you look silly.  As silly as Denise Richards playing a nuclear scientist in a James Bond movie.  That kind of silly.

Once again we thank you for purchasing our product and we wish you years of fully-deployable umbrella enjoyment.

(67)

At the forefront of self-mutliation

Oscar winning actress Angelina Jolie has revealed that she has had both of her breasts amputated after discovering that she is at risk of getting breast cancer in the future.

“I have just completed three months of medical procedures to remove both of my breasts”  the brave woman said.

My decision to have a mastectomy was not easy.  I cried.  Brad cried.  Brad cried some more.  And some more.  Then he started drinking heavily and looking at personal ads on Craigslist.  Then he cried again.  Then he texted Jennifer Aniston and asked her to send him some photos of her breasts.  And then he cried some more. But Brad supports me 100 percent.  I wish he could be here himself to tell you how much he supports me but he’s at a strip club now.

Angelina then talked about why she made her decision.

It’s all very sciency.  The doctors told me that I have some sort of gene which makes me predisposed to maybe getting breast cancer.  So I made the decision to be proactive.  The doctors tell me my chances of getting breast cancer have now been reduced to five percent.  Though I still don’t understand how I can get breast cancer seeing as I have no breasts.  But I’ll leave that up to the scientists.  Brad has been with me for every minute of the surgeries, except for the times he was roaming the halls of the hospital asking the nurses to show him their breasts. 

When asked if the surgery had effected her image of herself, she replied in the negative.

I do not feel any less of a woman.  My femininity is not diminished.  I feel empowered, except of course when I take my blouse off and Brad starts crying.  But he’s been very strong.  And he supports me.    He’d be here to tell you himself but he had to look at some pictures that Jennifer Aniston sent him.

The Society for Female Mutilation has praised Jolie for her decision.  Said its president:

Angelina has showed us the difference between being an amateur and being a professional.  Most of us will never be content again with cutting ourselves with razors.  She has showed us a new way.  And we thank her.

As for Jolie, she says that the process has been so positive for her that she encouraged her husband to undergo testing to see if he had any genes which might predispose him to getting cancer.

And the tests came back positive.  He stands a 25 percent chance of developing testicular cancer.  So I’ve been encouraging him to get his testicles removed.  It’s the right decision.  And he’ll be so much more manageable and well-behaved.  In fact I’ve made an appointment with a surgeon to have the surgery done.  As soon as I can find Brad, that is.  Has anyone seen him?

From his Twitter feed Mr. Pitt has announced that he is staying at an undisclosed location until further notice.

I ain’t chopping these off.  No how.  No way!

He has also encouraged all his fans to send him pictures of their breasts. (163)

What could possibly go wrong?

A soccer-loving man who planned to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle Washington to Sao Paulo, Brazil to watch the 2014 World Cup was run over and killed in Lincoln City, Oregon just 14 days into his journey.

The man, whom local police refer to as “The soccer loving idiot” was dribbling his blue soccer ball along the side of the road when he was hit from behind by a 1995 Nissan pickup.

The soccer-loving idiot, described as an unemployed father of two who lost his job last year as a graphic designer had said that his lifelong goal was to go to the World Cup.

“Sad, really” said one of the policeman who found his body.

An American whose lifelong goal was to go to some so-called world cup where a bunch of Europeans and South Americans beat the crap out of each other while watching an incredibly boring game?  I can only surmise he had mental health issues.  Or was a member of al Qaeda. Or maybe his father was cruel and never took him to a baseball game or played catch with him.

His former employer shares the following anecdotes about the soccer-loving idiot:

He was one of my graphic designers.  But he never seems to design anything.  All day long he just drew soccer balls and talked about how much he loved soccer.  He never made any deadlines.  I used to ask him, “Have you finished the project?” and he would say no and then talk to me for 20 minutes about how much he loved soccer.  I should have fired him earlier but the only reason I kept him around was that as a soccer lover I assumed he spoke Spanish.  I have lots of foreign customers so I made him my “go to” guy.  It turns out the only Spanish phrase he knew was “Watch me play with my balls.”  I lost a lot of customers because of him.

The soccer-loving idiot had asked for donations on his web site to be able to complete the trip to Brazil.  His last entry was “What could possibly go wrong?”

Apparently many things went wrong from the start.  On his second day of dribbling his soccer ball he was stopped by State troopers suspicious of his blue ball.

He kept saying he loved football.  But that didn’t look like a football he had on him so naturally we beat him up and threw him in jail.

But the end finally came on his 14th day when the soccer-loving idiot, dribbling his blue ball too close to the shoulder of the road was run over.

When it was discovered that the person run over was a soccer lover, the town gave the man who ran him over the keys to the city.

“It seemed like the least we can do for such a hero” said the Mayor.

Congress is said to be considering a ban on so-called “assault soccer balls.” 

“It’s for the children” said a congressman. (161)

If you look closely you can see Curtis Granderson striking out

The Yankees tonight started a six-game home stand against the Seattle Mariners.  In what promised to be a great pitching matchup the Yankees started CC Sabathia (4-3 3.19) while the Pilots Mariners started King Felix Hernandez (5-2 1.53).  Both pitched effectively though neither were involved in the decision.

The Mariners got on the board first in the top of the third.  After Robert Andino led off and popped up Michael Saunders reached first on an error by Lyle “I’ll take the under” Overbay.  Jason Bay then flied out to left field.  Kyle Seager then doubled scoring Saunders.  1-0 Seattle after three.

In the top of the sixth Seattle scored two more runs.  Catcher Kelly Shoppach led off with a single.  The next batter, former Yankee hero Raul Ibanez homered to right field.  Sabathia then walked Robert Andino before striking out the next three batters.

In the bottom of the sixth Curtis Granderson who had, yes, struck out in the fourth, hit a soft grounder back to the pitcher’s mound.  King Felix fielded it and threw to second forcing out Robinson Cano.  However Hernandez appeared to injure himself and was taken out after the inning.  Lyle Overbay then doubled to right, scoring Granderson.  After a Jason Nix walk Ichiro Suzuki flied out to center to end the inning.  3-1 Seattle after six.

With Hernandez out of the game the Yankees pulled ahead in the seventh.  Chris “Who?” Nelson, apparently our starting third baseman led off with a single and then stole second.  After our catcher Austin “Francisco Cervelli please come back soon” Romine struck out Seattle reliever Charlie Furbush proceeded to eat the furbush and gave up a double to Robinson Cano, scoring Nelson and Brett Gardner, who had walked, tying the score.   After an intentional walk to Vernon Wells and a walk to Curtis Granderson Lyle Overbay hit a sacrifice fly scoring Cano.  Jason Nix then struck out ending the inning.  4-3 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.  Shawn Kelley (2-0 5.87) got the win for the Yankees and Charlie Furbush (0-2 5.40) got the loss for Seattle.  Mariano Rivera recorded his 16th save with a 1-2-3 ninth inning.

Notes on the game:

As mentioned earlier this was Curtis Granderson’s first game back from a broken hand received in spring training.  To commemorate the event the first 20,000 fans in attendance were audited by the IRS.

In keeping with Granderson’s return he struck out during batting practice.  And once on the on-deck circle.  Once during the game.  He also struck out in the shower after the game.  And he struck out in a nightclub after that while trying to pick up a supermodel.

Best heckle of the game:

The Seattle right fielder was Michael Morse.  I heckled him with “Michael.  Dot dot.  Dash dash. You suck!‘  I thought that was a pretty clever play on his last name but it didn’t fire up the crowd.

However the man next to me fired up the crowd with his heckle of “Before sin the human body was immortal not by nature, but by a gift of divine grace; otherwise its immortality would not be forfeited through sin.”  This heckle brought fans to their feet cheering, which surprised me.  I had no idea Yankee fans were such Thomists.  I was sure they were more Augustinian-Platonic than Aquinas-Aristotelian.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I live in Philly and root for all the local sports teams.  Does that make me a bad person?”

Yes.  Yes it does.  You suck.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog keeps digging up the dead whores in my back yard.  What can I do?”

Good question L.K.  Get a cat.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I like muscle relaxants.  They make me feel funny.”

You should mix and match them.  And don’t believe the recommended dosage on the label.  They just put that there for legal reasons.  Have fun.

Recommended reading material:

Eschatology:  Death and Eternal Life by Joseph Ratzinger.

And so my record stands at 1-1 this year.  My next game is June 3rd against the Cleveland Indians (and the return of Nick Swisher.)

Go Yankees! (90)

There hasn’t been this much senseless violence in New Orleans since, well, yesterday.

More gun violence has struck the heartland of America. Nineteen people were shot during a Mother’s Day parade in the city of New Orleans.

“It was horrible” said an eyewitness.

The brother just started firing into the crowd.  I’m a lifelong resident of New Orleans and I haven’t seen such gun violence ever!  Well, not since yesterday.  Okay, not since this morning.

Another eyewitness, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, and a free Obama phone, said that at first confusion reigned.

Everyone just started running and screaming.  At first I thought maybe they were selling some new Air Jordans because that I can understand.  But then someone told me that a brother was shooting people.  Motherf*cker!  I wanted some new Air Jordans!  Are you sure they aren’t trying to get new Air Jordans? No says the brother.  Just gunshots. Motherf*cker!  Somebody better get me some new Air Jordans or I’m going to shoot someone.  Probably my grandmother. Or my baby’s momma.

New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu has asked for calm.

These kinds of incidents are always tragic.  They will not go unanswered.  We will be very aggressive in getting to the bottom of this.  And putting the blame where it belongs:  On the Republicans.  But mostly putting the blame on the Republicans.  The only way we are going to stop this violence in our city is to come together.  And blame the Republicans.  This is a beautiful chocolate city.  What? What do you mean that line’s already been used? What?  What the hell do you mean I’m white?  No I’m not Michael Chiklis 

No I am not Michael Chiklis. And watch Vegas, Fridays on CBS.

and I’m not researching a movie role.  Oh, and watch Vegas Friday’s on CBS. What?  What the hell do you mean it’s been cancelled?  Damn.  Sarah Jones was so hot.

Because of the shooting in New Orleans the question of the root cause of gun violence is once again in the news.

We here at the worldwide headquarters opium den of Manhattan Infidel believe the root cause can be traced to the Republican party’s policy of trying to reduce the welfare state in America.

After all, the government is the only thing we all belong to.

Not only should we not be reducing government’s role in the lives of American citizens, we should be increasing it.

When I get up to go to the bathroom late at night after drinking too many big gulps and eating too many cheeseburgers and I turn on the 40-watt bulb to use my low-flush toilet I am warmed by the thought that the government cares about me and will proactively intervene in my life to correct my bad habits. Oh sure, the low-flush toilet doesn’t work and since 40-watt bulbs do not give out much light I sometimes mistakenly grab my penis instead of the plunger but that’s my fault, not the government or the benevolent policies of Barack Obama.

Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yes.  It’s the Republicans fault.  End gun violence now!

Someone should shoot Sarah Palin or those teabaggers!

It’s for the children.

And now for your viewing pleasure some photos of Sarah Jones from the recently cancelled CBS drama, Vegas: (I blame the Republicans for cancelling it.)

Sarah Jones

More Sarah Jones

Still more Sarah Jones

More Sarah Jones

And still more Sarah Jones

  (140)

Cut me some slack! I’ve evolved.

GEICO is one of the largest car insurance companies in America with over 11 million insured customers.  Yet there is one demographic that GEICO has had difficulties with:  Jews.

“It’s true” said a GEICO spokesman.  “Jews just don’t want to insure with us.  I blame the damn Gecko.”

At the root of the problem is a passage from the Book of Leviticus:

“Of the creatures that swarm on the ground, the following are unclean for you………the gecko.” Leviticus 11:29-30.

Sources familiar with the inside workings of GEICO relate how heated the discussions have been regarding dropping the famous Gecko from its ad campaigns.

“We really want to crack the Jewish market but as long as we have the Gecko with us he’ll be a millstone around our neck” said a GEICO executive.

Indeed if it weren’t for the Gecko’s ironclad ten-year contract with GEICO he would already be history.  But much like the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez (another controversial figure with an ironclad ten-year contract) it seems GEICO and the Gecko are stuck with each other.

GEICO has tried to put its best foot forward and has held many “Jewish outreach” sessions hosted by the Gecko.

“These didn’t go to well” according to people who attended.

The Gecko came out dressed as a rabbi and said “Hello you Jews!  As you can see I’m not swarming on the ground.”  Well this almost started a riot.  The Jews started throwing things at him and calling him an anti-Semite.  We had to rush onto the stage and get the Gecko out of there before he was physically harmed.  I tell you he was quite shaken.  Another time he lost his temper and called the Jews “Stiff necked and uncircumcised” which no doubt probably didn’t help the situation at all.

Compounding matters are the Gecko’s decision to star in the next Mel Gibson movie, “Get the Semite.”

“This was just stupid on his part” said a Geico representative.

The Gecko for his part defends himself.

Oh come on.  I’m just branching out.  Extending my acting chops so to speak.  This movie is a good opportunity for me.  And GEICO wants me to bow out of the production? What a bunch of stiff necked and uncircumcised people they are!  Wait.  I was misquoted.  I mean what a bunch of Micks.  Phew.  That was close.  I mean no one will care if I make fun of the Irish. F*cking drunks.

Because of the controversy the Gecko’s  public appearances will be strictly limited from now on.  According to GEICO:

We don’t want him anywhere near an open microphone.   Who knows what this a**hole will say.  I tell you we should have never hired that Limey bastard.  He’s English right? Australian?  Welsh?  Same goddamn thing.

Employees for GEICO have started calling the Gecko, “Our own Joe Biden.”

When asked to comment Vice President Biden called the Gecko “A great American.  For a cockney.”

As for the Gecko himself he is attempting to rehabilitate his image by financing a movie based on the book of Maccabees.

“Let’s see those stiff-necked and uncircumcised bastards object to that.  What? Oh the f*cking hell with with it then.” (231)