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Manhattan Infidel http://manhattaninfidel.com Doing my job so the MSM won't have to. Tue, 08 Oct 2013 20:09:28 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: August 28, 2015. Please Fill out our Death Form http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/07/02/from-the-manhattan-infidel-future-archives-august-28-2015-please-fill-out-our-death-form/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/07/02/from-the-manhattan-infidel-future-archives-august-28-2015-please-fill-out-our-death-form/#comments Tue, 02 Jul 2013 10:00:55 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=4710 Please detail the cause of your death.

Please detail the cause of your death.

August 28, 2015.

Dear Citizen:

It has come to our attention that you have recently died.  As you are no doubt aware any and all deaths now come under the purview of the Affordable Health Care Act, commonly known as “Obamacare.”  As a result of this we must ensure that your claim of death was reasonable and falls within established guidelines.  We understand that being dead can be stressful and we appreciate you taking time out of your dead schedule to answer the following questions.  Please answer them truthfully and to the best of your ability.  Please note that failure to answer questions truthfully may result in the disqualification of coverage of any future death of yours.

  • Are you dead?
  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Hard to tell.  I lived in New Jersey
  • Was your death unexpected?
  1. Yes
  2. No.  I was ill.
  3. Hard to tell.  I lived in New Jersey
  • If your death was not unexpected, did you get prior approval to die?
  1. Yes
  2. I had applied for approval but was not formally authorized to die
  3. There wasn’t enough time.  My last memories were of Vinnie and his crew putting me in the trunk of his car and shooting me. I lived in New Jersey, you see
  • You claim your death was the result of gunshot wounds.  Why are you bitter and cling to guns and religion?
  1. I’m sorry I wasn’t more progressive in my life
  2. Please, please accept my apology for my form of death and do not audit me
  3. I’m not bitter.  Dying of gunshot wounds while being stuffed in a trunk of a car is normal in New Jersey
  • Are you faking your death?
  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. I wish!  If  I had been better at faking my death Vinnie would never have found me and I might still be alive right now
  • Did you fake your death to get out of paying your fair share of taxes?
  1. Yes.  I should have realized that paying my fare share is necessary to maintain the social welfare safety net
  2. Yes again.  My afterlife has been stigmatized by my unprogressive life thoughts and I feel much shame as a result
  3. What other reason could there be for faking my death (unless I live in New Jersey)
  • You really are a piece of work.  Why do you oppose the benevolent power of the State?
  1. There is no reasonable explanation for opposing the State
  2. I hate minorities
  3. I read a lot of conservative blogs
  • So……AROD and steroids.  Who saw that coming?
  1. I know, right!
  2. He should pay more taxes
  3. What has this got to do with my death?
  • It has come to our attention that you have not completed our death form.  Why not?
  1. I am dead
  2. Conservatives are stupid and do not pay their fair share of taxes
  3. Please accept my phone records

Once you have answered all our questions please return it to us in the provided envelope.  Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.  Please answer all questions with a number two pencil.  Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.  Please make two copies of this form and send us one copy while you keep the other. Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.

Thank you. (0)

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Flying Nun’s Black Box Recovered http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/28/flying-nuns-black-box-recovered/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/28/flying-nuns-black-box-recovered/#comments Fri, 28 Jun 2013 10:00:27 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=5033 If only she had kept her habit, which acted as a vertical stabilizer.

If only she had kept her habit, which acted as a vertical stabilizer.

The black box from the Flying Nun has been recovered.  Sister Bertrille of the convent of San Tanco in Puerto Rico, commonly known as the “flying nun”  disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean while flying from Brazil to France.  Sister Bertrille had travelled to Brazil to take part in a conference of her order and from there was flying to France to pick up orphans.  Her last contact with ground control was at 2:10 local time when she said that she was experiencing turbulence and was going to climb higher to avoid it.

Immediately an intensive search of the Atlantic was begin.  One day after she disappeared her luggage was discovered.  It is believed that Sister Bertrille broke up on impact.

After careful review of the black box authorities from the TSA have released the following statement which they believe is the official cause of her death:

Sister Bertrille, aka the Flying Nun pitched her nose up to avoid turbulence.  As her angle of attack increased stall warnings went off.  Sister Bertrille amazingly ignored these stall warnings and continued to pitch her nose up, causing her to fall from 38,000 feet to the sea in two minutes.

As to why Sister Bertrille ignored the stall warnings the TSA believes that she may have become disorientated.

She (the Flying Nun) was experienced in flying over land but she did not have much experience flying over deep ocean at that altitude.  With the lack of visual objects of reference she may not have realized the danger she was in.  When a stall develops the normal thing to do is pitch the nose down and build up speed.  Sister may have tried to do this but by the time she saw the ocean it was too late.

The TSA also criticized Sister Bertille for getting rid of her nun’s habit.

It was the vertical stabilizer!

It was the vertical stabilizer!

By getting rid of her habit and dressing in “street clothes” Sister Bertrille was dooming herself.  Without her habit she became aerodynamically unstable. In our final analysis the crash was caused by her inexperience flying at night over the sea and her unwise decision to forgo her habit.

Her superior in her order stands by the decision to abandon the habit.

The spirit of Vatican II calls us to be engaged in the world.  Our habits prevented us from moving among the laity as one of them. Also our habits were a symbol of the oppression caused by male-dominated patriarchal church.

In lieu of her body which may never be recovered her order is soliciting for funds to build a memorial on the convent’s grounds.

  (0)

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Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to New York City Recycling Laws http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/27/manhattan-infidels-guide-to-new-york-city-recycling-laws/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/27/manhattan-infidels-guide-to-new-york-city-recycling-laws/#comments Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:00:56 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=4995 Heads go in the blue bin.  Torsos go in the gray bin.

Heads go in the blue bin. Torsos go in the gray bin.

Fresh off his proposed ban on 32-ounce soft drink mayor Michael Bloomberg (Statist Asshole – NY)  has proposed newer, more stringent recycling laws.  Already accustomed to separating plastic, metal and paper, New Yorkers will also have to sort food scraps and other items.  Because they can be confusing, for the benefit of my readers I will give a brief explanation of the new rules.

  • Will I still have to recycle newspapers?

Yes.  Please continue to tie your papers into a bundle and place them in the gray colored bin.

  • But I like to read the New York Times.

That is different.  Do not recycle the Times.  Use it as toilet paper.

  • Toilet paper?  Really?

Yes.  Wiping your ass with the Times is the only practical use for it.

  • But the Times uses cheap ink.  I’m worried about infection.

Then use it to line your kitty litter box.

  • I have a prosthetic limb.  I think I accidentally threw it out with the other recyclables.  Can I retrieve it?

As long as you placed your limb in the proper blue colored recycle bin you should have no problem retrieving it.  Just go to one of the designated compost stations in your borough to get it back. If perchance your limb has already been melted down you can exchange it for a limb made from crushed cans of soda.

  • But I think I put my limb in the gray colored paper recycling bin.

Learn to hop.

  • I have to recycle food scraps now?

Yes.  All food scraps must be placed in separate containers.

  • But I’m worried about odor.

You’re joking right?  New Jersey is just across the Hudson River and you’re worried about odor?  Whats a matta with ya?

  • I grabbed something from the salad bar at the deli down the block last night.  They had some meat I didn’t recognize.  Do I recycle this?

Yes.  Place the mystery meat in the plastic recycle bins.

  • My name is Vinnie and I live on Todt Hill in Staten Island.  What are the recycling rules regarding body parts?

All body parts are recyclable.  Please place them in the new green recycling bins.

  • Phew.  That’s a relief.  I got a body in the the trunk of my car and it’s starting to stink.

It’s understandable that you would want to get rid of it.  As stated above place the body in the green recycling bin.

  • What if the body won’t fit?

Chop it up into segments that will fit.

  • You mean with like a chainsaw or something?

A chainsaw might violate a noise pollution ordinance in your neighborhood.  Use a hacksaw instead.

  • So all the body parts are recyclable?

That is an excellent question.  It depends on the nationality of the  person you are trying to recycle.

  • He was Irish.

Then throw away the liver.  It’s probably cirrhotic anyway.

  • What if he was a stooge?

Bury him upstate.  No need to soil New York City’s fine recycling program with stooges.

  • Do I still need to chop him up?

Since you are not recycling him there is no need to.  But since he is a stooge I would still mutilate the body.  Try cutting his penis off and sending it to his wife.

  • I never thought of that.  Thanks!

I hope these brief answers will help all New Yorkers make sense of the new recycling regulations. (0)

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Yankees Win on Ichiro (Yes You Heard That Right Innominatus) Walk Off http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/26/yankees-win-on-ichiro-yes-you-heard-that-right-innominatus-walk-off-2/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/26/yankees-win-on-ichiro-yes-you-heard-that-right-innominatus-walk-off-2/#comments Wed, 26 Jun 2013 10:00:15 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=5272 “Innominaus is a bad man. A bad bad man.” ~ Ichiro Suzuki (after the game through an interpreter).

Yankee Stadium in a moment of calm before Ichiro's walk off.

Yankee Stadium in a moment of calm before Ichiro’s walk off.

On a wickedly hot and humid night the Yankees played the Texas Rangers.  The Yankees started Hiroki Kuroda (7-5 2.78) while the Rangers countered with Yu “Whirling” Darvish (7-3 2.84)

Texas scored (“Plated” in modern parlance) first in the top of the third when center fielder Leonys Martin homered to right field on a 2-2 count.  1-0 Rangers after three.

Texas scored another run in the top of the fourth. Yankee third baseman David Adams committed a costly error allowing Adrian Beltre to reach first safely.  After A.J. Piezynski and Lance Berkman singled to load the bases Mitch Moreland hit into a fielder’s choice scoring Beltre.  2-0 Rangers after three and a half.

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the fourth. Travis Hafner led off and on an 0-1 count homered to the right center field box seats in front of me.  (Right field box seats cost 90 dollars.  The bleachers where was sitting cost 20.  ‘Nuff said.).  2-1 Rangers after four.

The Rangers scored again in the top of the fifth when Leonys Martin (again?) homered on a 2-1 count.  3-1 Rangers after four and a half.

In the bottom of the fifth the Yankees traded run for run when Brett Gardner homered on a 1-1 count to right field.  3-2 Rangers after five.

In the bottom of the six the Yankee shortstop who has not slept with Minka Kelly (Jason Nix) homered to left field.  3-3 tie score after six.

And so it remained until the bottom of the ninth when Ichiro Suzuki, nemesis of the blogger known as Innominatus came to the plate.  With the count 0-2 Ichiro then hit a walk off home run into the right field box seats, ending the game.  The victory went to Mariano Rivera (1-1 1.55) who pitched the top of the ninth.

Notes on the game:

Before the game the Yankees introduced the corporate partner of the day:  The Decepticons.  “The Yankees value their relationship with Megatron” intoned the public address announcer.  Just like the Yankees.  Always choosing the bad guys.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “The separated soul is, indeed, less perfect considering its nature in which it communicates with the nature of the body:  but it has greater freedom of intelligence, since the weight and care of the body is a clog upon the clearness of its intelligence in the present life”  left the crowd unmoved.  If this keeps up I’ll have to give up heckling.  Most sophisticated fans in baseball my ass!

After the game Ichiro was asked what he thought of Innominatus.  He replied that Innominatus is a bad man. A bad, bad man. If this were World War II I’d be the commandant of a Japanese prison camp and he would be a prisoner. He would not survive. I would behead him personally.”

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I resent your aspersions upon my fair city of Philadelphia.-”

I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a man who lives in Philadelphia with a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “That’s not true!”

And you have a dirty whorish mouth!

S.J. of Harlem writes, “My god what is that smell?  It smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food..”

That’s the ointment I rub all over my body every morning. It’s perfectly legal. And it has no side effects. Except I’m now legally a Klingon.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from Amsterdam!  I asked the bartender to put the Yankee game on.  He didn’t know who the Yankees were. That’s when I tasered him.”

Well done young woman.  Well done.  Yankee nation is proud of you.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog burned down my house.”

He’s creating a diversion. His real goal is to steal your car.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “The NSA has a warrant for all my phone records. What do I do?”

Hand them over.  Stop being selfish. Barack Obama cares for you.

Recommended reading material:

The Black Lizard Big Book of Black Mask Stories:  The Greatest Crime Fiction from the Legendary Magazine, edited by Otto Penzler.

And so my record stands at 4-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday July 9th against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees! (0)

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May 1945, Hollywood Speaks: We are Adolph Hitler! http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/25/may-1945-hollywood-speaks-we-are-adolph-hitler/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/25/may-1945-hollywood-speaks-we-are-adolph-hitler/#comments Tue, 25 Jun 2013 10:00:14 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=4862 Heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in happier times

Heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in happier times

With the American and Russian war machine closing in on Berlin and heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in hiding, Hollywood is making known where its sympathies lie.  A five minute film entitled “We are Adolph Hitler” is being released to theaters this week.

“It’s important that this film be made” said MGM head Louis B. Mayer.

This is my adopted homeland and I love it but I am ashamed of the war crimes our military is committing.  I support our troops but this war is immoral.

The short film opens with many of Hollywood’s top stars holding signs of solidarity that say “I am Adolph Hitler.”

Among the stars signing up for the film are veterans Jimmy Stewart

I am in uniform.  I have moral authority

I am in uniform. I have moral authority

Clark Gable

This country disgusts me.

This country disgusts me.

and David Niven

The war machine of western Europe must give way to socialism.

The war machine of western Europe must give way to socialism.

“I couldn’t remain quiet any longer” said Stewart.

I flew many bombing missions over Germany.  And I always asked myself, “Why?”  Why are we attacking the German people?  What have they ever done to us?   And in these bombing missions I had to bomb civilian targets.  I feel sick at my complicity in these war crimes.

Gable mirrors Stewart in his criticism of the allied war effort.

Hitler is a socialist.  He cares for the poor.  Perhaps that’s why we are bombing them?  The industrialists in our country hate socialism as is well known.  I asked for my discharge because I could no longer participate in this charade of so-called liberation.

Niven in particular criticizes the war crimes of Eisenhower and the allied command.

War crimes!  One war crime after another.  I have burned civilians out of homes. Destroyed private property.  And for what?  To bring Germany to its knees?  Why?  War never! War never again! This war could have been over two years ago if only Roosevelt and the Jew-dominated American war machine weren’t consumed by blood lust and war fever.  Together let us break Adolph Hitler out of his bunker!

From Washington President Truman denies that the war was started to destroy the socialist economic model.

That’s just ridiculous.  I favor socialized health care.  We didn’t start this war.  Germany started it.  We are just bringing it to its logical conclusion.

We are Adolph Hitler has already been nominated for best short film of the year.

Note:  For those wondering what this post is satirizing I now present “I am Bradley Manning.”

I am Bradley Manning (2238)

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Old Yankees Lose on Old Timer’s Day http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/24/old-yankees-lose-on-old-timers-day/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/24/old-yankees-lose-on-old-timers-day/#comments Mon, 24 Jun 2013 10:00:51 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=5193 “My kingdom!  My kingdom for a new back, or a new hip, or a new knee” ~ assorted anonymous Yankees

Hey look at the old timers!  No wait, that's the regular Yankees.

Hey look at the old timers! No wait, that’s the regular Yankees.

Today was the 67th Old Timer’s game at Yankee Stadium.  A tradition in which elderly ex-stars painfully walk to home plate, painfully swing at pitches and painfully, slowly, run to first base.  No wait, that’s the regular Yankees.

The Yankees started Ivan Nova (2-2 4.91) and intradivision rival the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays started Chris Archer (2-3 4.21).

Nova, considering he hadn’t pitched since May 29th acquitted himself well for the most part, pitching 6 2/3 innings before being taken out.

But it didn’t look like he’d make it that far early in the game.  The (Devil) Rays got on the board first.  Matt Joyce lead off with a single and when to second on a fielder’s choice when Desmond Jennings grounded out 1-3.  On an 0-1 count Ben Zobrist then singled him home.  After Evan Longoria walked Nova got out of the inning when James Loney 4-6-3 double play.  1-0 Tampa after half an inning.

In the bottom of the first Brett Gardner led off with a single and ended on second when the Tampa left fielder Desmond Jennings couldn’t field the ball cleanly.  He the reached third on a wild pitch. After Ichiro “I was not a prison camp commandant on the River Kwai during World War II.  You have me confused with someone else” committed an epic fail when trying to bunt and popped up to the catcher and Robinson Cano flied out to left field Yankee DH Travis Hafner singled him home. Lyle Overbay then grounded out 4-3 to end the inning.  Tie score 1-1 after one inning.

And then both pitchers settled down with Nova striking out seven.

In the top of the seventh Yunel Escobar led off for Tampa and grounded out 6-2.  Matt Joyce then flied out to deep center field.   But then the trouble started.  Jennings and Zobrist were hit by pitches before Girardi brought in Shawn Kelley who walked Longoria to load the bases. Girardi then brought in Boone Logan who got two strikes on Loney before he singled home Jennings and Zobrist.  Joba “Soon to be an ex-Yankee” then struck out Will Myers to end the inning.  3-1 Tampa Bay after six and a half.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As is their wont, before the game the Yankees introduced the corporate sponsor of the day. Today’s sponsor was BALCO.  “The Yankees value their relationship with BALCO” intoned the public address announcer as a ceremonial syringe was brought out to home plate.

Ban the Wave!

The wave, that annoying holdout from the ’90s again made an appearance during the game. I  humbly suggest that fans who participate in the wave should have their reproductive organs removed.  Or be forced to view photos of Meg Ryan after her plastic surgeries.  Whichever produces the most psychological trauma.  Meg Ryan:  From adorable to Howard the Duck in 15 years.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of  “In the present state of life in which the soul is united to a passable body, it is impossible for our intellect to understand anything actually, except by turning to the phantasms” (Summa Theologica Part One Question 84 article seven) didn’t fire up the crowd.  I’m beginning to think that Yankee fans aren’t Thomists.  In fact I bet they probably prefer Bonaventure, the unspeakable bastards.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I live in Philadelphia and -“

Shut your filthy whore mouth!

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “But I haven’t said anything yet!”

SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH!

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Tall and tan and young and lovely/the girl from Ipanema goes walking/and when she passes/each one she passes goes ah.”

Whew.  That was close.  I thought she was going to start with the lyrics from the Beach Boys’ Kokomo.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from France!’

There is no baseball in France.  Have you no shame?  You must live with this for your entire life.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I’ve been walking my dog for hours.  I think he knows I don’t know where I’m going. I think he views me as an enemy now.”

Careful son. He also knows about the bodies in your back yard.  Keep your friends close but your enemies closer as Innominatus once said.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I keep hearing mysterious clicks on my phone. Do you think the NSA is listening to my conversations?”

You’re just being paranoid.  Unless you didn’t vote for Obama.  In which case the answer is yes.

Recommended reading material:

Paddy Whacked:  The Untold Story of the Irish American Gangster by T.J. English.

And so my record stands at 3-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 25th against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees! (3213)

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Wolfman Fired! http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/21/wolfman-fired/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/21/wolfman-fired/#comments Fri, 21 Jun 2013 10:00:34 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=5105 Larry Talbot was a disruptive force in the workplace

Larry Talbot was a disruptive force in the workplace

Larry Talbot was dismissed today from his job in the ad sales department of a publishing company.

“We had no choice” said the company’s director of Human Resources.  “He was really starting to create a problem for us.”

Things changed for Talbot, formerly considered a rising star in the company, shortly after he purchased a silver-headed walking stick decorated with a wolf.  Said a receptionist:

Creepy villagers started dropping by the office asking for him.  When I asked them what they wanted all they said was “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayer by night may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.” Like, what the f*ck does that mean?

Then one day Talbot showed up late for work, covered in blood and wearing the same clothes he did the day before.

We were nervous and worried that he might have murdered someone.  But he comes from money.  He has an ancestral home in Wales and all that so we cut him some slack.

Talbot was forgiven and resumed his job in the office.  But things quickly turned bad again.

We were working on this project and we asked him to stay late one day.  He said he couldn’t.  He pleaded with us saying, “Please.  I can’t stay late.  When the moon comes out I turn into a wolf.”  Well, we reported this to HR and they told him in no uncertain terms to lay off the sexually charged language.

Already on thin ice and tagged as a sexual predator disrespectful of the women Talbot was finally let go after what co-workers call “The Day Talbot Lost his Shit.”

Forced to work late Talbot nervously excused himself and went to the bathroom.  When he came out he was naked and covered head to toe in fur.

Larry Talbot prepares to violate company policy

Larry Talbot prepares to violate company policy

Damn if he didn’t look like Dan Hedaya.  I mean this dude was hairy.  Then he grabbed a co-workers neck and started biting, which is serious violation of the company code of ethics. Blood was gushing out of the poor guy. Then he starts howling.  We followed him into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and ate all our lunches.  He ate our f*cking lunches!

Unfortunately for Talbot stealing a coworker’s lunch is a fireable offense.

We could live with the hairiness, neck biting and penile-caused mannish behavior as long as he did his job.  But eating someone else’s lunch just displays an appalling lack of character.

He was escorted out of the building by security and told never to return again.

Talbot is currently suing his former employer for back wages, claiming that his behavior was the result of “Dehydration and being bitten by a werewolf.”

“Let’s see him try and win that” said a former co-worker.  “Dehydration?  Come on!  He was drinking water all the time.”

  (4908)

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My Exclusive Interview with Michelle Obama http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/20/my-exclusive-interview-with-michelle-obama/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/20/my-exclusive-interview-with-michelle-obama/#comments Thu, 20 Jun 2013 10:00:09 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=5063 I do not make sacrifices.  The people make sacrifices for me!

I do not make sacrifices. The people make sacrifices for me!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor and privilege of interviewing the first lady of the United States, Michelle Obama herself.  I sat down with her in her hotel suite at the Shelbourne hotel in Dublin to discuss how she likes being first lady.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. Obama.

MO: Are you addressing me?

MI: Yes.  Mrs. Obama I’d like to ask you – 

MO: Are you royalty?

MI: No.  I’m a reporter.

MO: Then you may address me by my title:  Consort of his Holiness the Benevolent Barack Obama, all holy, all wise, ruler of the vast domains of the American Empire.

MI: Um.  That’s not your title. 

MO: Yes it is.  You shall address me by it or I shall have you buried alive.

MI: Okay.  Let’s talk about your trip to Ireland.  It will reportedly cost the American people 5.2 million for two days abroad.  You and your retinue of 30 are staying in $3,500 a night suites in the Shelbourne Hotel.  Yet your husband – 

MO: His Holiness the Benevolent Barack Obama, all Holy, All Wise, Ruler of the Vast Domains of the American Empire.

MI:  Yeah, that’s not his title either.

MO: Your questions are beneath my dignity as a consort.

MI: [Sigh].  Anyway.  Your husband said, and I quote “To meet our fiscal challenge we will need to make reforms.  We will all need to make sacrifices.”   As I said your trip will cost the taxpayers 5.2 million for two days.  You have 30 people following your every whim who are staying in suites that most people would not be able to afford.  Doesn’t this all come back to making reforms?  Do you think this reflects well on a republic to have its elected leader and his wife travelling with a retinue and surrounded by luxuries that would make a divine right monarch envious?

MO: [Silence]

MI: Mrs. Obama?

MO:  YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS CONSORT OF HIS HOLINESS BARACK OBAMA, ALL HOLY, ALL WISE, RULER OF THE VAST DOMAINS OF THE AMERICAN EMPIRE!!

MI: Okay.  This interview is going nowhere.  Mrs. Obama – 

MO:  I shall order your death.  Death by boats.  A painful torture.  You shall be stripped naked and placed inside two hollowed out tree trunks with your legs and feet protruding.  You will then be forced to ingest milk and honey until you have a bowel movement or diarrhea.  More honey will be rubbed on your body to attract flies. You shall then be left to float in a stagnant pond.  This will attract even more insects who will feed on your body and they will burrow into your flesh.  

MI:  Yeah, I’ll just let myself out.

MO: Don’t turn your back on me.  I am the consort of his holiness Barack Obama – 

MI: Can’t hear you.  Listening to my iPod.  Bye.

And so I left Mrs. Obama in her hotel suite.  Imagine trying to scare me with “The Boats.”  That’s just a typical fishing trip for me.  Minus the beer. (39231)

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Shane Appears Before Special Senate Subcommittee on Gun Violence http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/19/shane-appears-before-special-senate-subcommittee-on-gun-violence/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/19/shane-appears-before-special-senate-subcommittee-on-gun-violence/#comments Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:00:52 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=4819 A gun is a tool

A gun is a tool

Notorious gunman Shane appeared today before a special senate subcommittee on gun violence.  His testimony was highly anticipated and the audience was packed as the cable news networks covered the event in its entirety.

Dianne Feinstein: Good morning Mr. Shane.  We thank you for coming to this committee.  As you know we are currently in the grips of an epidemic of gun violence in America.

Shane:  I wouldn’t call it an epidemic ma’am.  In fact gun violence is down.

Dianne Feinstein: Would you do me a favor and address me as senator and not ma’am?

Shane: Yes senator.  As I was saying gun violence is down.

Dianne Feinstein: I have to disagree with you.  Gun violence is up.  Every day there is another shooting in a school.  We have to ban guns.  It’s for the children.  I feel the country would be much better if every last gun disappeared.

Shane: A gun is a tool senator Feinstein.  No better or worse than any other tool, a shovel, an axe or anything.  A gun is only as bad or as good as the man using it.  Remember that.

Dianne Feinstein: You dare preach to me?

Shane: You’re from the 1960s.  Your days have come to an end.

Dianne Feinstein: My days? What about yours, gunfighter?

Shane: The difference is I know it.

Dianne Feinstein: So what do you propose I do about it?  Hand over my guns to my bodyguards and start harvesting potatoes?

Shane: Not just yet.

At this point a man in the audience stood up and attempted to shoot Senator Feinstein.  Shane shot him dead before he was able to get a round off.

Dianne Feinstein: Shane thank you.  Thank you.  You saved me life.  Is he (the gunman) dead?

Shane: Yes he’s dead.  I got to be going on.

Dianne Feinstein: Why Shane?

Shane: A man has to be what he is, Senator Feinstein.  Can’t break the mold.  I tried it and it didn’t work for me.

Dianne Feinstein: We want you.  The Senate committee wants you.

Shane: Senator Feinstein, there’s no living with……with a killing.  There’s no going back from one.  Right or wrong, it’s a brand.  A brand sticks.  There’s no going back.  Now you run on home to your constituents and tell them……tell them everything’s alright.  And there aren’t any more guns on Capitol hill. 

Senator Feinstein notices Shane is wounded.

Senator Feinstein:  It’s bloody. You’re hurt!

Shane: I’m alright.  You go home to your constituents and grow up to be strong and straight.

Senator Feinstein:  Shane!  Shane come back. The committee’s got things for you to do.  And I want you.  I know I do!

And with that a wounded Shane rode off into the sunset.  The special Senate subcommittee on gun violence will resume next week.

(4038)

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Benghazi: The Movie! http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/18/benghazi-the-movie/ http://manhattaninfidel.com/2013/06/18/benghazi-the-movie/#comments Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:00:37 +0000 http://manhattaninfidel.com/?p=4341 Remember, it was a youtube video

Remember, it was a youtube video

Through my sources I have learned that Hollywood has greenlighted a motion picture version of the events in Benghazi on September 11, 2012.

Produced by Harvey Weinstein, the movie, tentatively entitled “Presidential Command Decision” will begin lensing in September with a scheduled release in the summer of 2014.

I have been given an advance copy of the script and I must say it promises to be the most honest portrayal of politicians on the silver screen in years.

The movie will star Denzel Washington as President Obama, Angelina Jolie as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Sean Bean as Ambassador Christopher Stevens.

Said Weinstein:

We originally wanted Sean Penn to play the role of President Obama but Penn refused to shave his mustache.  Angelina was an obvious choice to play Clinton and for the role of Ambassador Stevens we needed someone who is comfortable dying on screen.  We immediately thought of Bean since he seems to die in every movie he makes.  I mean really, did you see how many arrows he took from the Urak Hai in the Fellowship of the Ring?

I will now share with my readers a few key scenes.

The movie begins with a soliloquy by Ambassador Stevens:

My name is Ambassador Christopher Stevens and this is my story. I am the American Ambassador to Libya, a peaceful country in a peaceful corner of the peaceful Muslim world.  The anniversary of the 9/11 attacks is fast approaching.  Yet I feel absolutely no need to ask for additional security.  None whatsoever.  President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have often asked me if I need more security.  I have turned them down every time.  What need do I have for security in a land dominated by the religion of peace?

The film then quickly moves to the attack on the embassy.  From his office Ambassador Stevens sends out one last cable:

Tell the President to have the military stand down.  A military presence would only inflame tensions.  I don’t know yet who is attacking but you can be sure it isn’t Muslims.  This is just a hunch but I suspect Methodist missionaries.

From the Oval Office President Obama and Secretary of State Clinton discuss their options:

Obama:  If there was only something I could do to save this brave man’s life.  But my hands are tied.  He specifically refused security or a rapid response strike team to come to his rescue.

Clinton: He is a brave man.  A martyr. I just wish he had asked for more security. 

Obama:  Indeed.  But like most of us he probably didn’t realize just how dangerous Presbyterians could be.

Clinton: I though he said he was being attacked by Methodists.

Obama: Whatever.  It’s white people clinging to religion.

From a military base in Italy central high command receives the stand down order.

General: Stand down?  Stand down?  Are they kidding?  Don’t they know how dangerous Baptists can be?

Aide: I thought he was being attacked by Catholics?

General:  Whatever.  Same thing.  It’s Christians.  It’s always Christians.

The film ends with a moving scene where Obama and Clinton watch as Ambassador Steven’s body is unloaded from a transport plane.

Obama: Why? Why is there such violence in the world?

Clinton: What difference does it make? Personally, I blame youtube.

Obama: I vow to dedicate the rest of my term to making sure that another American isn’t killed by rioting Episcopalians.

Clinton: But I thought he was killed by Lutherans?

Obama: Lutherans?  Well that makes sense.  They are a vicious people.

Clinton: You know Lutherans kill dogs and drink their blood!

Obama: I thought that was the Pennsylvania Dutch?

I for one cannot wait to see this movie.  And I’m sure my readers will want to see it as well.

  (1968)

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