Manhattan Infidel

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman waited by the phone, 100 million dollars burning a hole in his pocket.  But when the call did come it was not the news he wanted to hear.  Cliff Lee, top prize of the off season free agent sweepstakes had decided to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“Naturally I was disappointed” said Cashman.  “Not as disappointed as I was when I had to kill that kid in Double A who knew about the  bodies in my crawlspace but still disappointed.  Did I mention my crawlspace?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.”

It was then, in a fortuitous moment, that Cashman looked at his TV.  CNN was covering the rioting in Europe caused by the financial crisis.  What he saw encouraged him.

Those kids who were rioting.  I mean, wow.  When they started throwing rocks at the policemen I said  “Look at those arms!”  They were throwing rocks fast and on target.  The policemen were going down quicker than the last prostitute I buried in my crawlspace.  Did I mention my crawlspace again?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.

Cashman quickly dispatched assistants to Europe to sign up the most promising rioters.  Once the rioters were located they were asked to fill out a discovery questionnaire containing questions such as:

1. Have you ever watched a baseball game?
2. Would you like a guaranteed 7-year 130 million dollar contract to work every 5 days?
3. Would you be willing to learn to throw a cutter?  A two-seam fastball?  A sinker?
4. Do you enjoy showering with 25 other men?
5. Do you have any bodies in your crawlspace?  If so, where do you put them when you run out of space?  I’ve tried taking an axe to my garage floor but the cops would just notice the new cement job over the hole.

Based on the results of the questionnaire, “we disqualified anyone who wouldn’t learn a cutter or who answered ‘No’ to question 5″ the Yankees have announced the signing of two Greeks and a Spaniard to round out their rotation for 2011.

“Two Greeks and a Spaniard” said Cashman.  “Sounds like what’s in my crawlspace.  Dammit.  Did I mention my crawlspace again? You should probably forget about that.”

With the signings the Yankees have firmly placed themselves as the favorites over the Boston Red Sox in the American League East in 2011 and beyond.

“Theo Epstein.  I bet he’s got nothing in his crawlspace - the punk!” Cashman told confused reporters.

Long thought to be spontaneous, recent evidence that has come to light has shown that New York Yankee great Lou Gehrig’s famous farewell speech was in fact carefully written out beforehand and reworked many times.

On July 4th, 1939 the Yankees held Lou Gehrig day and between games of a double header the dying Yankee captain (played by Gary Cooper in the iconic movie) addressed the crowd.

The manuscript of Gehrig’s speech, often called the “Gettysburg Address” of baseball, written in Gehrig’s own hand contains much that was penciled out, with notations in another hand, presumably Gehrig’s wife Eleanor.

The speech started with the famous sentence, “Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Yet the manuscript’s original beginning was different:

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  I don’t know who gave me this Asian clap but God it burns when I pee.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth - my doctor found a cream I apply to my genitals that helps soothe the burning sensations.

This sentence was crossed out by Gehrig’s wife who wrote, “probably not a good idea to say this, Lou.”

The speech continued with Gehrig extolling the virtues of his current manager, Joe McCarthy, “that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today.”

In the manuscript that sentence continued with:

I mean, I know he’s Irish and all.  But as long as we don’t use the same bathroom I’m fine.  Could be worse - at least he’s not Greek.

This part was also crossed out by Eleanor, who wrote in the margin, “I can live with pissing off the Irish but the Greek scare me.”

And of course there is the justifiably famous ending sentence of “So I close in saying that I may have had a bad break but I have an awful lot to live for.”

This sentence was written by his wife, replacing Gehrig’s original summation:

So I close in saying that I might have had a bad break.  No shit people I’m dying here.  Well, if I’m going down you all are.  I bought some explosives from Dimaggio’s Mafia friends and placed them around the stadium.  Say goodbye to your asses people.

Eleanor crossed out the sentence and in the margins she wrote, “Dimaggio is a punk. The explosives he sold us were fake.  Remember to rip him a new one!”

Historians of baseball are very enthusiastic about the manuscript find and say that it really helps humanize Gehrig.  Said one:

He used to be my hero.  But now when I think of him I want to take a cold shower and curl up in the fetal position.

The manuscript will be on display through April at the New York Public Library.

“Hath not a dude eyes?  If you prick us do we not grow bummed?  If we eat bad guacamole do we not blow chunks?” ~ William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.

So tonight your humble correspondent went to Yankee Stadium to see game four of the American League Championship Series between the Yankees (truth, justice, the American way, yada yada yada) and the Texas Rangers. The game did not go as I hoped and now the Yankees are down 3-1 and face elimination in Wednesday afternoon’s game.

The Yankees started A.J. “Headcase” Burnett while the Texas Rangers started Tommy Hunter.  Surprisingly, Headcase Burnett actually pitched the better of the two.

The Yankees, proving that they are sadistic bastards who like to tease their fans got on the board first when Robinson Cano homered to deep deep right.  After a Nick Swisher strikeout Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman hit a ball that everyone in the stadium knew was foul.  From my seat behind the foul pole it obviously was not fair.

But the umpires initially ruled it a home run.  Even Berkman was stunned. Stunned no doubt that the umps were forcing him to round the bases.  But eventually the umpires withdrew to watch the replay as Berkman was treated by paramedics after a massive heart attack from his unexpected physical exertion.  The call was reversed.  1-0 Yankees after two.

Texas scored twice in the top of the third after a lead-off walk to David Murphy and Bengie Molina being hit by a pitch Murphy scored on a fielder’s choice and Molina was singled home by Michael Young.  The Yankee came back in the bottom of the inning with one run when Curtis Granderson singled home Derek Jeter.  2-2 after three innings.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees reached what would be for them the high-water mark of the game.  Brett Gardner grounded into a fielder’s choice, scoring Alex Rodriguez.  3-2 Yankees after four.  Hope was high in Yankee land.  But the Gods are cruel.  Not as cruel as an attack of bleeding piles, but cruel nevertheless.

In the top of the Sixth, civilization as we know it collapsed when Bengie “Really, seriously?  When did Bengie become a home run threat?” Molina hit a three run home run off of Burnett.  5-3 Rangers after six.

But not to fear.  This is the Yankees.  We have another miracle comeback in store, right? Ah, maybe not.

David Robertson was brought in to pitch the top of the seventh for the Yankees and proceeded to pitch effectively, getting the first two outs, which of course can mean only one thing:  A pitching change.  Boone Logan was brought in and gave up a home run to Josh Hamilton.  Girardi took him out of the game after one batter.

Well, when Hamilton hit that home run you could feel the air escaping from Yankee Stadium. Joba Chamberlain, once the future Yankee closer and now relegated to mop up duty was brought in and gave up a hit to Ian Kinsler, which scored Vladimir Guerrero.  7-3 Rangers after seven.

In the top of the ninth Texas continued to dance on the Yankees’ grave, as Josh Hamilton hit his second home run of the game off of seldom used Sergio Mitre, which was followed by a Nelson Cruz home run.

Final score:  Texas 10 Yankees 3.

Well the Yankees have dug themselves a hole.  Down 3-1 in the best of seven they must win tomorrow and Friday in Texas before facing Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee in a deciding game seven.  It’s not unheard of to come back from  a 3-1 deficit but I don’t see the Yankees doing it.

Notes on the game:

As mentioned previously, A.J. Burnett actually pitched effectively until he gave up that home run to Bengie Molina in the sixth.  Rumor has it that Joe Girardi threatened A.J. before the game:  “You better pitch well or the entire team is going to share your wife!’ 

The TBS  blimp promoting Conan O’Brien’s new show hovered over the stadium for the entire game.  It’s nice to see Conan get a second chance though I do think the “Fuck you NBC” on the side of the blimp was overkill.

Yogi Berra was in attendance which made me think of my favorite “Yogi-ism”:  90 percent of life is burying prostitutes in your back yard.  Um, I think that’s a Yogi-ism.  If not it should be.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While watching the game on TV from a Motel 6, clad only in a wife-beater t-shirt and eating a case of chocolate ice cream from a spoon Johnson was tragically burned to death when, after falling asleep, the case of chocolate ice cream melted and set off a spark in the requisite Motel 6 faulty wiring. The Yankees are confident, absolutely confident that chocolate ice cream is delicious.

Recommended reading material:

A Century of Noir:  Thirty-two Classic Crime Stories, edited by Mickey Spillane and Max Allen Collins.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia Pennsylvania writes, “Today begins a new order.  Your lands, your possessions, your very lives will gladly be given in tribute to me. In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection.  In other words you will be allowed to live.”

I apologize for D.B. readers.  He’s from Philly and probably works for an accounting firm.

M.B. of Brooklyn, New York writes, “I have just been thrown into a Sarlacc and expect to spend the next thousand years being slowly dissolved into nutrients.  It’s a painful process.  But that’s not what sucks.  There is no internet here.  How are the Yankees doing?”

M.B. - if there is no internet how did you email me?  There is something fishy, or worm-like in your story.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Unnecessarily and solely for the love of liquor to render ourselves incapable of using our reason is opposed to virtue.”

Unless, of course, you have a blog.

Well, anyway, it is bleak for the Yankees and the season may end with Wednesday’s game.  But I hope not.  Go Yankees!

“I’ve come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen” ~ Bob Lemon

The Yankees played game two of their four game series against the Tampa Rays tonight at the Stadium.  The Yankees started Phil “I hope the Joba Rules don’t destroy me like they did Joba” Hughes (17-8 4.31) and the Rays started James Shields (13-13 4.96).

And of course since there is no pennant race in this brave new wild card era the buzz at the game was the Snoopy giveaway night.  The first 18 thousand fans received a Snoopy doll that was unfortunately packed in plastic and had a string around his neck.  It looked like Snoopy had died from auto erotic asphyxiation.   I did not know Snoopy was that kinky.  It was disconcerting.  Still, not as disconcerting as the Charlie Brown golden shower giveaway night or the Lucy Van Pelt strapon giveaway night.

But onto the game.

The Yankees got on the board first breaking out with five runs in the bottom of the first.  Nick Swisher hit a home run.  Then Jorge Posada singled home Mark Teixeira.  Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman doubled to deep center, scoring Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada.  Curtis Granderson then singled home Berkman.  5-0 Yankees after one.

And so the score stayed until the pesky Rays tried to scratch their way back into the game. They scored one in the second on a Matt “He of the .227 average” Joyce home run.  5-1 Yankees after two.

In the top of the third John Jaso led off with a walk.  After another walk to Carl Crawford moved him to second he scored on a single by Evan “I am not dating a pro basketball player - you are thinking of Eva Longoria” single.  5-2 Yankees after three.

In the top of the seventh Carl Crawford singled home Jason Bartlett.  5-3 Yankees after 6 1/2.  Oh oh.  Was Tampa going to get back into the game?  Have faith!  In the bottom of the seventh Robinson Cano doubled home Teixeira and AROD.  7-3 Yankees after seven.

In the bottom of the eighth Derek Jeter doubled home Brett Gardner as Joba Chamberlain closed the door on the Rays. Final score:  Yankees 8 Rays 3.

Notes on the game:

Emelio Estefan, husband of Gloria Estefan threw out the first pitch.  He then waded across the Harlem River in a makeshift raft and claimed asylum in Manhattan.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Desperate to prove he can still play baseball, Johnson asked some little league players if he could join in their game.  They were naturally happy to have a major league player in their mist and accepted.  Unfortunately Johnson was beaned by a 25 mile an hour fastball thrown by the 10 year old pitcher and was knocked unconscious.  An ambulance arrived to take him to a hospital but crashed en route.  A disorientated and concussion-suffering Johnson wandered into traffic and was hit by a semi.  He was thrown 40 feet and electrocuted on a power line.  Johnson’s agent is confident. absolutely confident that he needs a new client.

Recommended reading material:

Swing Swing Swing - The Life and Times of Benny Goodman by Ross Firestone.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “I think my neighbor saw me bury a client in my back yard.  What can I do?”

That’s simple.  Dig him up and bury him in your neighbor’s back yard.  Then call the police.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I hate the Yankees and look forward to beating you in the World Series this year.”

Again, I apologize for D.B. readers.  He’s obviously confused.  Probably works for an accounting firm.

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “I am an unfrozen caveman bartender.  I am confused by your modern New York society.”

You’re not from Philadelphia are you?

And so ends my 2010 season with a 12-8 record.  Respectable but not as good as last year’s 13-2. Postseason ticket for the ALDS and ALCS go on sale this Friday.  Hopefully they will have some games on nights I can go to as I work Wednesday through Saturday night 8 PM to 8 AM.  So I’m looking at you Bud Selig.  Show me some love or you’re dead to me.

Sure I could take a vacation day but that’s not the point. Vacations are like sex.  You only get a limited amount and it would be a shame to waste a vacation day on one night.  You want to enjoy your vacation and establish an emotional connection.  Ideally you want to say to your vacation, “I really enjoyed myself.  Hopefully we can do this again in six months.  And after five years maybe every four months.”

In that respect vacations differ from marriage in that the longer you are together the more you actually get to do it.

How do you the Yankees stack up against postseason opponents?  If the season ended today the Yankees have three potential opponents:  the Tampa Bay Rays, the Texas Rangers and the Minnesota Twins.  The Yankees are 8-8 against Tampa (with two more games against them.)  We are 4-2 against Minnesota and 4-4 against Texas.  All three opponents will be tough.

Go Yankees!

“Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated” ~ author unknown.

Tonight the Yankees faced arch rival the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays in a American League East matchup.  Before the game the Yankees held a slim 1/2 game lead over Tampa.  Now, normally with two weeks to go in the season that would mean an exciting pennant race.  But since the lords of baseball have deemed to give us the Wild Card, and since the Wild Card always comes from the AL East you can forget about suspense.  We’re both making the playoffs.

Today was Frank Sinatra CD giveaway day at the stadium.  In keeping with the Sinatra theme, Frank Sinatra Jr. (who looks and sounds just like his father) sang the national anthem.  I got so sentimental I kicked Peter Lawford out of the Rat Pack.  During the 7th inning stretch Shecky Greene was brought out onto the field and savagely beaten by four goons.

The game was delayed a half-hour for the unveiling of a plaque in Monument Park to the late George Steinbrenner.  Many former Yankees were in attendance but the biggest applause was saved for Donnie Baseball - Don Mattingly and Joe Torre who were present for the ceremony. The plaque mentioned Steinbrenner’s contributions to baseball.  Curiously there was no mention of his two suspensions from baseball or his hiring gamblers to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield.

Before the game it was also mentioned that on this day in 1968 Mickey Mantle hit the last home run of his career.  To honor this the first 18 thousand in attendance were given free hookers and booze.

Onto the game.

The Yankees started rookie Ivan “I can give you five innings nothing more” Nova (1-0 4.37 ERA) and Tampa started Matt Garza (14-9 4.01 ERA).  The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the third when Francisco “The Cisco Kid” Cervelli led off with a single.  Curtis Granderson then hit a home run.  2-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the Fifth an AROD sacrifice fly scored Cervelli. Then, with the bases load a walk to Nick Swisher scored Derek Jeter.  4-0 Yankees after five.

Up to this point Nova had been cruising.  An easy Yankee win you say?  That was before the sixth inning, aka, the inning of 1000 walks, aka the inning that would never end.

Nova couldn’t hold the lead.  A catcher’s interference call on Cervelli allowed the first run.  Longoria grounded into a double play that scored John Jaso.  Nova was then taken out and Boone Logan (’s run) was brought in.   Logan promptly allowed Dan Johnson to single home Ben Zobrist.  Boone was then taken out and Chad Gaudin was brought in.  He promptly walked home the tying run before the half inning mercifully ended.

Uh-oh.  Another one of those games I thought.  But in the bottom of the sixth Derek “Minka Kelly likes my new hairstyle” Jeter singled home Brett Gardner and the Yanks retook the  lead.  Curtis Granderson then hit his second home run of the night, a three-run shot scoring Cervelli and Jeter.  8-4 Yankees after six.

In the top of the Seventh Tampa Bay got a run back when an Evan Longoria sac fly scored John Jaso.  8-5 Yankees after Seven.

Mariano Rivera was brough in to pitch the ninth.  Rivera had a bad road trip, blowing two saves.  Ben Zobrist hit a line drive that to everyone with vision was clearly a foul ball.  However, everyone with vision does not include Major League umpires.  It was ruled fair and he got a double.  Longoria singled him home making it 8-6 before Rivera was finally able to close the door and get the save.

Notes on the game:

The topic of conversation around the ballpark continued to be who caused A.J. Burnett’s black eye?

Who indeed punched him? Mrs. Burnett? Jorge Posada? Pitching coach Dave Eiland? We’ll never know since the Yankees aren’t talking.  But I suspect it was probably a Yankee fan enraged at watching him suck so badly the second half of the season.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

His Yankee career over, Johnson was at his mailbox sending out copies of his resume “To whom it may concern:  I am experienced in the DH position and know PowerPoint……” when he tripped and was knocked unconscious.  Neighborhood dogs gathered around him and suspecting he was a mailman took turns ripping his body to shreds.  Johnson’s agent is confident that this setback will in no way delay his return to uniform next Spring with another team.

Recommended reading material:

An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States by Charles A. Beard.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “We had a tornado in Brooklyn and the roof was ripped off of our bedroom.  When this happened I noticed a large cache of skulls in the ceiling I had never seen before.  Should I call the police about this?”

I wouldn’t.   This is New York after all.  Most buildings have a large cache of skulls and/or body parts stashed somewhere.  Besides, the cops have more important things to do like arresting smokers.

S.B of Hollywood California writes, “I noticed these things in my basement.  They look like great big seed pods. Should I be worried?”

Only if you are sleepy.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “There is no soul or part of a soul in semen.”

Umm.  That’s good to know I guess.

Anyway my record this year stands at 11-8.  My next and final regular season home game is Tuesday September 21st against the Tampa Bay Rays.  On Friday the 24th tickets go on sale for the ALDS and ALCS.  I will of course suspend my customary porn viewing to buy tickets.

Go Yankees!

“90 percent of this game is half mental” ~ Yogi Berra

It was a bad weekend of  baseball.  Sunday I went to see minor league baseball.  The Staten Island Yankees lost to the Vermont Lake Monsters 7-4.  And today, on a clear, beautiful late summer afternoon, a holiday no less, the Yankees lost to the Baltimore Orioles  4-3.

I blame God.

As I took my seat I was greeted by the horrible sight of A.J. Burnett warming up in the bullpen.  Immediately I knew. I knew.

Like having a blind man pierce your testicles, today’s game would be very very painful.

Before the game the Yankees continuously announced the greatest “hip hop” concert ever, to be held at  Yankee Stadium starring the “two greatest living hip hop artists, Jay-Z and Emimen.

***Breaking News***

Jay-Z and Emimen have both been shot dead.

***Breaking News***

Well, so much for the world’s greatest living Hip Hop artists. Nature of the business I suppose.

Before the game the Yankees also had a ceremony at home plate to promote their efforts to end Lupus.  One in 500 women will have Lupus.  Wow.  Who knew Mission Impossible star Peter Lupus got around that much.  Must be the hair.

On a personal note a bumble bee continually plagued me and the rest of the people sitting in the bleachers.  The bumble bee was, fortunately, cornered and beaten savagely by Yankee Stadium security.  Serves the bee right for trying to get into seats he didn’t pay for. Punk!

But onto the game.

A.J. Burnett actually pitched decently despite losing the game, pitching seven innings and giving up four runs on seven hits while walking four and striking out five.

The Orioles started Brian Matusz (10-13. 5.15 ERA)  and as with all  crappy pitchers the Yankees could not solve him.  Note to opposing managers:  If you want to beat the Yankees, give us your worst pitchers.

Derek “Rapidly aging but who cares - I have Minka Kelly” led off the game with a double. That would be the Yankees last hit until AROD hit a game-tying home run into the left-field bleachers in the fourth. (The Orioles having scored a run in the third.)

The Yankees tied it up in the sixth when AROD, barely missing his second home run  hit a sacrifice fly to right scoring Nick Swisher.  Mark Teixeira then scored on a Robinson Cano single.  3-3 after six.

But alas Baltimore scored the game winning run in the top of the seventh.

As as consequence I have ordered the Air Force to carpet bomb Baltimore.  No one will miss it.

Notes on the game:

Today AROD drove in his 100th run for the 13th season in a row.  He celebrated by having Jeter inject him with HGH.  Strictly platonic you know.

Nick Johnson Injury Watch:

Surprising no one, the Yankees have announced the end of the Nick  Johnson era as Johnson had to undergo season-ending wrist surgery.  During the operation a freak electrical spark ignited the operating room resulting in a massive explosion killing everyone. All that was left of Johnson, besides his guts on the wall, was his extended middle finger.  The Yankees and Steiner Sports have announced that the  middle finger will be sold as “authentic Yankee memorabilia.” So if you have 5000 dollars, bid up.

Recommended reading material:

James Madison, a Biography by Ralph Ketcham.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I just did some acid man and I’m scared.”

D.B. you have nothing to be scared of.  Except the Phillies chances of reaching the postseason of course.

S.J. of Manhattan writes, “I am white, and I am proud.”  

Umm. You should stop smoking that stuff.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I recently shot, stabbed and decapitated a client.  But he didn’t pay me before I killed him. Can I charge his widow?”

I don’t see why not.  Business is business.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power.”

Wow.  Talk about bitter. Somebody got screwed by their divorce lawyer.

Anyway, my record stands at a nothing to write home about 10-8.  My next game is Monday September 20th against the Yankee killing Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

“Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you lose.  Sometimes it rains.” ~ Bull Durham

I woke up today to overcast skies.  No problem I says.  It’s not like I live in Oregon.  So I took the  no. 6 train up to the  Bronx.  The Yankees were playing the Seattle Mariners.

The Yankees started Carlston Charles Sabathia (17-5 3.02 ERA) while the team that represents the water sogged west coast started Luke “Use the force” French (2-4 4.57 ERA.)  Normally I’d be worried about this since the Yankees cannot beat unknown pitchers.

Anyway after wiping off my soggy seat I sat down to watch good baseball as it was meant to be played.  It was a pitchers duel for the first 3 1/2 innings. The first score was Austin “You’re kidding?  He plays for the Yankees?” Kearns who hit a solo  home run in the bottom of the fourth. 1-0 Yankees after four.

Carlton Charles Sabathia finally gave up a hit in the fifth inning as the rain started pouring down.  How bad was the rain?  The phrase raining cats and dogs is such a cliche but I did see a pit bull land in front of me.  He picked himself up, said “ruff” and walked away.  Hey, they are tough dogs.

During the rain in tht bottom of the fifth a walk to Derek Jeter, a double by Nick Swisher brought up an intentional walk to Mark Teixeira.   Now, didn’t Seattle get the email? Twice Tex has been intentionally walked this season and AROD has hit grand slams.  Well, AROD is on the disabled list  (steroids **cough cough**).  Robinson Cano batting fourth hit a grand slam that landed behind me in the bleachers.  5-0 Yankees after five.

Then the rain delay.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1. Update your Facebook status message to “I yearn tragically for your body .”  Hey, let your friends figure it out.
2. Ask the person next to  you “Are you into it?”
3. Take off all your clothes.  If anyone asks, tell them this is standard behavior for bloggers.
4. Run out onto the field.  Tell the groundskeepers you enjoy being beaten up on national TV.

After 45 minutes the rain delay ended.  But this was not the end of the rain, which came back in the 8th inning.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees scored three more runs.  8-0 Yankees after six.

In the seventh  Jorge Posada hit a home run.  9-0 after seven.

In the Eighth  Marcus  Thames singled in Ramiro Peno. Final score: 10-0 Yankees.

Notes on the game:

It rained most of the game.  I know the Yankees were playing Seattle but damn you Seattle!  Stop giving us your left coast socialist weather. Hippies!

Sushi should be banned from all ballparks.  Cigars, however, should not.

Alex Rodriguez did not play, having been placed on the 15 day disabled list.  AROD’s age is catching up to him.  And the down side to steroid use is once you are off them the body deteriorates.   This explains Manny Ramirez’ bitch tits and Nomar Garciaparra’s exploding, separating groin.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Depressed that he has been on the DL for 3 months, Nick Johnson attempted suicide today with a hair dryer, a gerbil and Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.  He was unsuccessful in the attempt though the hair dryer did die.  The Yankee front office is confident, absolutely pretty please suger on top confident that Johnson will be back in the lineup soon.

Recommended reading material:

Lincoln at Cooper Union by Harold Holzer

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I like being naked.  I really do.”

Well, he does work for an accounting firm.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie New York writes, “I killed a customer today.  He made me angry.  Should I feel guilty about this?”

Absolutely not.  Unless you killed him before he payed you.  Always get paid first.  Then kill.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Marriage…….includes sexual intercourse.”

Obviously Tom’s never been married.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 10-7.  My next game is Monday September 6th against the Baltimore “We suck, even with Buck Showalter” Orioles.

Go Yankees!

“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock.  You’ve got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance.  That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” ~ Earl Weaver

Tonight the Yankees played game two of their set against the Detroit “I thought cities were supposed to burn” Tigers.  Before the game there was a moment of silence for the Staten Island Scot, Bobby Thomson, who hit the “shot heard round the world” in 1951 defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Rest in Peace Bobby.  Though, of course once he arrived in Heaven he was beaten up by Jackie Robinson and Roy Campanella.  Hey, payback’s a bitch.

On to the game.  The Yankees started Carlton Charles Sabathia, (16-5 3.12 ERA) while the Detroit “Your move punk” Tigers started Justin Verlander (13-8 3.77.)  And of course with two such starting pitchers what can be the result?  Why a walk fest of course.  Verlander was wild from the beginning, walking the bases loaded in the first before a Nick Swisher single scored Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter.

But before that  happened former Yankee top prospect Austin Jackson, who was traded for Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson started the game by hitting a home run on the first pitch.  This was only his second home run in the majors.  Yeah, how’s that trade looking now Brian Cashman?

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the first on the aforementioned Nick Swisher single.  2-1 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, perhaps trying to impress the Yankees before they trade him in the off season homered.  3-1 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the sixth Derek “I have sex with bony supermodels” Jeter singled in Brett “I am not losing my hair.  Stop looking at it!” Gardner. 4-1 Yankees after six.

Detroit got a run back in the top of the seventh when Brandon “Not a nerd first name” Inge homered.  However the Yankees countered with two runs in the bottom of the inning on a Robinson Cano home run and a Ramiro Pena, who was playing in place of the rapidly aging AROD,  sacrifice that scored Nick Swisher.  Final score:  Yankees 6 Detroit 2.

Notes on the game:

Alex Rodriguez did not start.  Apparently he intends to hold out until his social security checks start arriving in the mail.

This series marked the return of Johnny “My agent sodomized me” Damon, who turned down a two-year 14 million dollar deal to sign with the Tigers for one year at eight million.  Damon’s stroke was tailor-made for the new stadium.  The Yankees miss him and he misses the Yankees.

Of course to make up for Damon’s loss the Yankees signed Nick “Injury Watch: see below” Johnson.  You’re kidding right? Nick Johnson?  When Nick’s mother gave birth to him Johnson got the stretch marks.

Celebrity watch:

Tyra Banks was at the game.  No word on whether she beat up any of her assistants.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing before the game Nick was attacked by Francisco Rodriguez who beat him senseless.  While waiting for an ambulance Johnson had his face ripped off by a stray wolverine. The Yankee brain trust is confident, absolutely confident, really really confident that this will in no way affect his return to the lineup.

Speaking of KROD did you hear about the latest Met promotion?  The first 10,000 fans who beat up their girlfriend’s father get a free seat upgrade courtesy of the NYPD.

As if we didn’t need further proof KROD is an asshole.

Recommended reading material:

The Parallel Sayings of Groucho Marx and John Lennon, edited by Joey Green.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “Baseball sucks.  Football is the greatest game ever.”

I apologize for T.S. readers.  Obviously he is a subversive mother.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I thought Philadelphia would embrace my nudist tendencies.  I guess not.  Time to move back to New Jersey.”

That depends on where you are nude.  As I said before, no nudity by school bus stops.  Other than that, I’m sure Philadelphia will love you.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “A sexual sinner intends to enjoy sexual pleasure.”

And who said philosophy was boring.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 9-7.  My next game is Sunday August 22nd against the Seattle “Who’ll stop the rain” Mariners.

Go Yankees!

“It ain’t like football.  You can’t make up no trick plays” ~ Yogi Berra

Is there anything more beautiful than attending a weekday matinee baseball game?  It’s like a victory over life.  Instead of being at work and taking grief from interns probably 20 years younger than you are, you go to a game.  Now your biggest problems are keeping score, explaining the infield rule to the tourist sitting next to you and figuring out how many 11 dollar beers you can afford.

Of course, I work nights so it’s not quite the same.  But I have work days in the past so I know.  I know.  Look into my eyes and you’ll see I know what it’s like to want to strangle an intern, dismember the body and hide the parts in the back of the freezer.  Umm.  I’m just saying…..in case you’re in law enforcement and are reading this.  This is all theoretical.  No, I don’t care what you thought you saw the cat eating.

A day after defeating that other team whose name will not even pass my lips they met again for a getaway  matinee.  The Yankees started Phil  Hughes (13-5 3.92 ERA) while the team polite people do not mention started the tough John Lester (12-7 2.94 ERA.)

It was a pitcher’s duel from the start.  Phil Hughes pitched six solid innings giving up 2 runs on 6 hits while striking out three.  But John Lester was better, holding the Yankees hitless for the first  4 1/3 innings before giving up a single to Austin “Won’t be with the Yankees next year” Kearns.

The Yankees best chance to win came in the seventh when they loaded the bases with no out.  The person next to me asked me if I though they would score.  I replied, “Well, Posada’s on third.  No outs.  A home run may score him but you never know.”  Needless to say, the Yankees did not score. Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, Derek “Rally Killer” Jeter and Nick “It’s Sad When I’m Carrying the Team” Swisher all struck out.  Which points out the biggest weakness of this team:  They couldn’t move runners over if they were naked, covered in thousand dollar bills and oiled up in a Chinatown whore house.  I’m not sure that made sense but I like the image.  Let the MSM worry about making sense.  I’m just a blogger.

The Yankees did get a run in the top of the eighth when Mark Teixeira led off with a home run.

Final score:  That other team 2  Yankees 1

Notes on the game:

Granted, it’s Yankees and the Red Sawks, but do we really need SWAT teams outside the stadium?

I find it’s fun if I occasionally stand up in my seat and shout, “You maniacs!  You blew it up.  God damn you all to Hell!”  I recommend that everyone do this when attending a baseball game.

If  you don’t want to do this I suggest shouting, “Dr. Zaius would an ape make a human doll that talks?” or the old standby “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” A very appropriate shout in this case as the Red Sawks can stand in for the apes.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Lonely, depressed and unsure of how he stands with the Yankees, Nick Johnson took a second job as a vacuum cleaner salesman.  However when demonstrating its suction capacity to a client Johnson tragically sucked his entire face off, leaving just veins, teeth and eye sockets. Gruesome as the injury is, the Yankees are confident, absolutely confident this will in no way delay his return to the starting lineup.

Recommended reading material:

The Civil War as a Theological Crisis by Mark A. Noll.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “They have these nice crackers.  I like to eat crackers.  Sometimes they land on my shirt and my dog licks them off.  It tickles.  Oh, and lay off Philadelphia.”

Poor D.B.  I told him not to institutionalize himself but he wouldn’t listen.

L.K. of New Jersey writes “So you’re saying that if my neighbors think they see my cat playing with what appears to be a human bone I can say it’s just their imagination?”

L.K., I am not authorized to give that information out.  But, yes.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “The movements of the genitals…..don’t obey reason.”

Speak for yourself Tom.  My genitals always obey reason.  And that reason tells me to do whatever actress Olivia D’Abo asks me to do.

So this year my record stands at a nonimpressive 8-7.  My next game is Tuesday August 17th against the Detroit “The city is on a rebound.  Seriously.” Tigers.

Go Yankees!

“Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton, 1988

Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play the Devil’s pawn, the fast fading Boston Red Sawks.  As CC Sabathia pitched yesterday, today would have been A.J. Burnett’s start.  As I was riding the subway up to the Bronx I was pondering which A.J. would show up?  Good A.J. or bad A.J.  Fortunately A.J. was scratched with groin stiffness.  (Isn’t that just like a professional athlete?)

In place of the groin-ravaged Burnett the Yankees started Dustin Moseley (2-1 3.86 ERA) while the Red Sawks started Josh “Asshole” Beckett (3-2 6.21 ERA).

The Yankees got on the board first when Brett Gardner singled Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman to third.  He scored on the throwing error by Bill Hall.   Gardner scored when Jeter hit a shallow single.  2-0 Yankees after two. The Red “Devil’s Pawn” Sawks got a run back in the top of the fifth when the aforementioned Bill  Hall homered to deep left.  However the Yankees batted around in the bottom of the inning, scoring five runs on four hits, including a Mark Teixeira home run to the bleachers one section to my left. 7-1 Yankees after five.  The Red “respectable society does not root for them” Sawks scored their final run in the top of the seventh when Mike Lowell, pinch hitting for Kevin Cash singled home Adrian Beltre.

Final score:  Yankees 7 Red Sawks 2

Notes on the game:

Beating the Red Sawks is a joyful feeling.  A feeling of satisfaction and contentment.  Much like accidentally stumbling across great porn on the internet.  One feels alive.  “This is what life is all about!  And thank god that site I accidentally stumbled upon took my credit card.”

One day after doing his best Nick Johnson impression and getting injured in batting practice, Alex Rodriguez was back in the lineup.  However he was mostly ineffective.

Lance Berkman, who hit a line drive off AROD’s ankle in batting practice yesterday had his first good day as a Yankee, going 3-4 and driving in a run while scoring two.  Ever the team player, AROD has graciously volunteered to be hit by line drives by Berkman before every game.  “It’s all for the team” said Alex. He also said, “Derek is so mean to me sometimes.  I don’t know why I love him. But God help me I do.  I do.”

Before the game I bumped into a couple NYPD officers in the men’s room.  I was tempted to say “security is so tight I was barely able to smuggle in my rifle.” But for the first time in my life my I listened to my internal censor. Probably saved me from a savage beating.

There were five citizens from the Red Sawks Nation sitting behind me in the bleachers.  Talk about illegal immigration.  Where’s Arizona’s Governor when you need her?

Being televised by ESPN, John Kruk and his fellow announcers were on the field before the game.  Kruk, true to form, had smothered Trey Wingo in BBQ sauce and was consuming him.  Mmmmm.  Buffalo Wingos!

A couple of good fights in the bleachers.  A couple of drunk Red Sawks fans were ejected.  It’s tough being a small market team with a small payroll.  I mean it’s tough having the second highest payroll in the majors and still sucking.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While sitting on the toilet in the locker room, Nick got stuck on the throne.  Paramedics were called who had to use the jaws of life to separate Johnson from the toilet.  “Please hurry” pleaded Johnson. “The blood has stopped flowing to my ass.  It’s falling asleep!”  Too late.  Once he was freed from the toilet and overcompensating for his numb ass, Johnson slipped on the linoleum floor, knocking himself unconscious and suffering a concussion.  Yankee executives are confident, absolutely confident that this will in no way impede his quick return to the lineup.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “J.D. Drew.  Yeah you Drew.  Listen.  I have this rash.  Do you know of any good ointments or creams to stop the burning?” didn’t even draw a response from Drew.  He never turned around.  I guess it’s true about pro athletes. They have their money and don’t care about the fans.

Recommended reading material:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia write, “Leave Kruk alone or I’ll send some of my boys up to New York to give you a Chicago overcoat.”

Wow.  Philadelphia.  A cold dark cruel unlivable place, devoid of oxygen and hostile to all life.  Like Pleasant Valley, New York, or my laundry basket.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I learned a new word!  I learned a new word!’

Must be all that mary jane she smokes.  She forgets lots of words.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Lustful caresses are always fatal.”

You are a wet blanket Tom.

So my record this year stands at 8-6.  My next game is Monday August 9th against the Bahstahn Red Sawks.  What does Bahstahn do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!