Manhattan Infidel

“What are we at the park except to win?  I’d trip my  mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off, tell her I’m sorry.  But Mother, don’t make it to third” ~ Leo Durocher

Tonight I went to see the Yankee play the Los Angeles (but we play in Anaheim 30 miles away) Angels.

It was the battle of the Irish, as the Yankees started Phil “Joba Rules” Hughes  (11-3 3.99 ERA) while the Angels started Sean O’Sullivan who, of course, got his first win of the year.  The Yankees it seems, cannot beat pitchers whom they’ve never seen before.

Things started out well for the Yankees as in the bottom of the first Nick Swisher homered to right and Robinson Cano scored on a fielder’s choice.  2 - 0 Yankees after one.  And that was the last time they would have the lead.

Phil Hughes gave the Yankees reason to implement emergency Joba Rules (and we all know how well that worked for Joba) by giving up one run in the second, one run in the third, two runs in the fourth and two in the sixth before being mercifully relieved by recently called up Jonathan Abaladejo.

6 - 2 Angels after six.  Things can’t get worse can they?

Well in the seventh 2009 World Series MVP and now playing for Los Angeles, Hideki Matsui hit a two run home run.  8 - 2 after seven.  And thank you Chan Ho Park for giving up that home run on the first pitch you threw.  We appreciate it. Are you part of an exchange program?  If so, what did we give Taiwan?  O.J.?  Larry King?  Lindsay Lohan?  Irish soda bread?  (Irish soda bread - the hardest substance known to man.  Guaranteed to kill all intruders or your money back.)

Anyway, the scoring didn’t end there.  Final score:  Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 10 - Yankees 2.

How can a team as good as the Yankees look so bad?  You know it’s bad when our DH Juan Miranda has less hits this year than Andy “My groin” Pettitte.

Which brings me to the subject of my post.  The mysteries of life.

The Yankees looking as bad as they did tonight falls under this category.  There are four unexplained mysteries of life:

1. The Yankees losing and losing badly.
2. The true nature of God
3. The mystery of Jack Lord’s hair.
4. Why is CSI: Miami a hit?

There are many who believe that the true nature of God and the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair are related, but that is beyond the scope of this post.  Perhaps later, upon prayer, reflection and guided by the spirit of James MacArther I can devote more time to this subject.

Notes on the game:

Tonight was Mexican Cartel Night at Yankee Stadium.   All kids 14 and under were given a bag of cocaine with a street value of $500.  “The Yankees value their relationship with the Mexican Cartel” said the P.A. announcer, who was tragically killed in crossfire.

Celebrity watch:  Steve Martin was in attendance.   No doubt looking for his cat toys.  Boy I hate it when they go under the couch!

Sitting behind me at the game was a 10-year old kid who kept kicking my seat.  I asked him a couple times to stop but he didn’t.  So I grabbed him by his ankles and threw him onto the field.  His father was upset but he calmed down after I bought him a beer.

Beer.  Has there ever been a greater invention?  It solves all of life’s problems.

Curtis Granderson is the spokesman for Michell Obama’s “Let’s Move to Solve Childhood Obesity” program.  Unfortunately there is no program called “Let’s Move to Find Out Why Curtis Granderson Sucks!”‘

Worst heckle ever:

Some Yankee fan in the sixth inning took it upon himself to start a chant of “Defense!  Defense!  Defense!”

What?  I’m sorry.  Was Los Angeles lining up for a field goal? Was it 3rd and long?

This is the first time in three games a Yankee starter did not leave with an injury.  Still during the fifth inning a raven did land on Phil Hughes shoulder.  Ravens traditionally are associated with death which would explain why Yankee third base coach Rob Thomson exploded.  All that was left was his helmet and a stirrup.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia says “Lay off Chan Ho Park pal. He was great for us.”

Readers I apologize for D.B. He’s from Philly after all.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, NY writes “I killed one of my customers today.  Should I feel guilty?”

Only if you killed him before he paid you.  He probably deserved it anyway.

So far this year my record stands at a respectable but still disturbing 7 -4.  My next game is Monday August 2nd against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

“The other sports are just sports.  Baseball is love” ~ Bryant Gumbel, 1981

Sunday found your humble blogger at Yankee Stadium as the Yankees took on the Tampa (Devil) Rays in the rubber game of a three game series.  The Yankees started Andy Pettitte  (11-2 2.70 ERA) and the (Devil) Rays started David Price (12-5 2.84 ERA).

As the game started the Yankees flashed a statistic on the scoreboard to the effect that Andy Pettitte is 900-0 in day games with a 0.00 ERA.  This can mean only one thing - he’ll be knocked out early.  And so it was. The Rays scored first as Andy gave up three runs in the first thanks to a B.J. Upton lead off double, Evan Longoria being hit by a pitch and Carlos Pena hitting a home run.  The Yankees got 2 back in the bottom of the first after a Nick Swisher double, a Mark Teixeira walk and a Robinson Cano bases clearing triple.  3 -2 Rays after one.

Andy Pettitte left the game in the top of the third with tightness in his left groin.  But at least he got to talk to respected Yankee beat reporter Kim Jones after the game about it.  Hey, I’ve been trying to talk to her for years about my groin. What makes Andy so special?

Andy did mention a “burning sensation” in his groin.  Careful Andy.  Could be syphilis.

The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the third when Teixeira singled in Derek Jeter.  Yankees 3 - Tampa Bay 3 after three.

The Yankees broke it open with 4 runs in the bottom of the fifth as Jeter singled in Brett Gardner, AROD singled in Derek Jeter and Posada doubled in AROD and Cano.  7 -3 Yankees after five.

The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the sixth when Nick Swisher singled in Curtis Granderson.  8 - 3 Yankees after six.

Tampa Bay got a run back when Gabe Kapler homered to deep left in the top of the seventh.  The Yankees countered with AROD’s 598th career home run to the Rays bullpen in the bottom of the inning.  9 - 4 Yankees after seven.

Tampa scored their final run in the top of the ninth.  Final score:  Yankees 9 Tampa Bay  5.

Notes on the game:

It was an oppressively hot and humid day in New York.  Those of us in the bleachers were in the sun the entire time, baking and perspiring and turning a nice lobster red. At one point the woman sitting next to me burst into flames.  Her last words were “Oh my God I’m on fire!  I regret nothing.  Nick Swisher I love you!”

In honor of George Steinbrenner, all those sitting in the bleachers were optioned off to Triple A Scranton Wilkes-Barre before the game.

This past week the Yankees lost Steinbrenner and long time P.A. announcer Bob Sheppard.  Since everything comes in threes people were naturally wondering who would be the next Yankee to die. Well, always eager for publicity, Reggie Jackson graciously agreed to be killed in a tragic accident involving a basset hound and a tube of K-Y Jelly.

The Mets proudly play “Sweet Caroline” to pump up their crowds and love to ask Yankee fans why we don’t have a song.  Well, I’d like to suggest “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails as our song.  And, with a few alterations in the lyrics it could be an very appropriate commentary on our oft-injured DH Nick Johnson.

I hurt myself today

Which is why I haven’t been in the lineup since May

Speaking of which I now present the updated Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing Johnson was arrested for loitering and sentenced to hard labor on a chain gang.  Well, his big mouth and attitude did not sit well with the head of the labor camp who said that he and Nick had a “failure to communicate.”   Nick got sick after swallowing 50 eggs.  Then was shot to death when cornered in a barn.  Yankeee officials are confident that this will not delay his eventual return to the team.

Best heckle of the game:

As you know, Joba Chamberlain has had his struggles this year.  Seeing as he is part American Indian (I refuse to use the term native American) as Joba was warming up in the bullpen I shouted to him, “Hey, Joba, remember the Trail of Tears?  We did it before we can do it again to your people so pitch well!”  Joba must have heard me because he pitched well, striking out three and giving up only one run.  So Joba’s people, for now, get to stay on their reservation, er, I mean their ancestral homeland they’ve lived on since the Pre Columbian era.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Hello from St. Lucia.  I got married!”

You got married?  During the baseball season?  During the Yankees season?  What are your priorities?  True love or the Yankees? This kind of irresponsible and feckless behavior can only result in a brilliant and successful career in publishing.

Venerable Bede writes “Prayers are hindered by conjugal duty.”  

So……I’m guessing you got rid of the wife so you can watch the Yankees?  Smart man.

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “We sat and talked of revolution.  Just like two liberals in the sun.”

Hippie!

John Paul II writes, “It is possible that the evil done as the result of invincible ignorance….may not be imputable to the agent.  But even in this case it does not cease to be an evil.”

Obviously John Paul II is writing about those who insist on rooting for the Red Sox.  And what does  Boston do? That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

What’s ahead for the second half?  Despite having the best record in baseball we are vulnerable.  Age is a factor.  Jeter, Posada, AROD and Pettitte are so old they need walkers to field their positions.  Phil Hughes is reaching Joba Rules territory and soon will be shut down, skipped starts or placed in the bullpen.  If you google “Epic Fail” you will come up with Curtis Granderson.  Yeah, that Curtis Granderson for Austin Jackson trade is looking great isn’t it?

And now onto Steinbrenner.

Look he did one good thing as an owner:  He wanted to win and he took his profits and plowed them back into the team which is a lot more than  most owners do with their profit.  But the hagiography of St. George this past week was in my opinion annoying.

Yes, he gave lots of money to charity.  Yes, he was very generous to ex players.  But he was also a bully and a prick.  Just ask Jim Beattie.  Just ask Yogi Berra, fired 16 games into the 1985 season.  Just ask Dave Winfield.

If you look at the Yankees times of success, they all happened after a Steinbrenner suspension where he was not in day-to-day control of the team.  His first suspension in 1974-75 allowed GM Gabe Paul to put together the great late ’70s teams.  But then George asserted control and hence began the long night of the 1980s-early ’90s.  The Bucky Dent/Stump Merrill era where the Yankees were the laughing stock of baseball.

Then Steinbrenner got suspended a second time after hiring gambler Howie Spira to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield.  With Steinbrenner out of the picture GM Gene Michael was able to put together the core of the great teams of the late 90s, including perhaps the best trade ever - Roberto Kelly for Paul O’Neil.  Then Steinbrenner regained control  and another dark night of the 2000s came upon us where George and his “baseball people” in Tampa had no plan except panic every offseason and buy the most expensive, elderly and useless free agents.

Then Steinbrenner started his decline.  Brian Cashman was able to gain control of baseball operations, rebuild the farm system  and put together the team that won the championship last year.

All in all, George had his merits. He wanted to win and put his money where his mouth was.  But he had his faults too.  But he’s dead now, God rest in peace.

So this year my record stands at 7 -3.   My next game is Tuesday July 20th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  Go Yankees!

****Update****

Andy Pettitte and his burning, syphilis ravaged groin will be out for five weeks.   Bad news for the Yanks.

****Update****

Dateline Heaven:

George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees died at 6:30 EST.  Arriving in Heaven, Steinbrenner immediately fired God.

“Yankee fans deserve a winner. They demand a winner.  And Heaven isn’t winning” said Steinbrenner.

God was informed of his firing when he showed up for work this morning.

“He could have told me himself.  I didn’t have to find out this way.”  God then defended his tenure as Manager of Heaven.

“Look have I made mistakes?  Yes.  Could I have done better?  Yes.  But a lot is out of my hands.  We need a better GM. He’s having people die that I don’t think will help the team.”

Steinbrenner also hired local gamblers to dig up dirt on God.

“I want to make sure that loser son of a bitch never manages Heaven again.”

Speculation is rife as to who will replace God as manager.  Long time Yankee manager Billy Martin is considered the most likely to get the job but before that happens certain logistical difficulties have to be resolved.

“What do you mean Billy’s in Hell?  Well tell him to get his ass up here now.  If he’s not here in 10 minutes I’m firing him.”

When informed that there are laws preventing anyone from Hell going to Heaven Steinbrenner threw his hands up in the air in disgust.

“Don’t tell me I’m going to have to hire Gene Mauch?  When’s Buck Showalter due to die?  Will someone shoot him and get his ass up here now!”

As for God, rumor has it that he will be hired to manage the Baltimore Orioles.

“They have some good pitching prospects the Orioles do” said God.  “What?  What’s everyone laughing at? No seriously.  I think I can get them to .500  next year.  It all depends on who they hire to be the GM.”

****** Breaking News ******

Former Yankee, Arizona Diamondback and Texas Ranger manager Buck Showalter has been shot to death.

****** Breaking News ******

“I see great things in baseball.  It’s our game - the American game.  It will take our people out of doors, fill  them with oxygen,  give them a larger physical stoicism.  Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us.” ~ Walt Whitman

The first part of the headline is correct.  The Yankees did lose.  The second part is not true.  However I wanted to impress upon my readers the gravity of the situation.  The Yankees have lost!

Having won two out of three against the Dodgers and their evil ogre of a manager the Yankees came into the Bronx against the Seattle Pilots of the Pacific Coast League, er, the Seattle Mariners of the American League West Division.  Seattle sucks.  The Yankees had Phil  Hughes pitching.  What could go wrong?

Well, everything went wrong. It was a perfect storm of bad pitching. bad defense, bad offense and bad overpriced garlic fries. How bad was it for the Yankees?   Our best pitcher tonight was Chan Ho Park.  Yeah, that Chan Ho Park.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes (10-2 3.58 ERA) while the Mariners started Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee (7 -3 2.45 ERA.)

The Yankees got on the board first when Nick Swisher hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  1 - 0 Yankees after one.

Phil Hughes did not have it tonight however, giving up one run in the second, third, fourth and fifth innings before giving up three in the sixth and being  mercifully yanked by Joe Girardi.  He lasted 5 2/3 innings, giving up seven runs (six earned) while giving up a home run to Jack Wilson and striking out three.  Phil Lee however pitched  his third straight complete game and gave up his first walk in five starts (and only his fifth of the year) to  Jorge “The hip hip Jorge chant even I think is annoying” Posada.

For the first eight innings Swisher was the only offense for the Yankees, hitting another home run in the bottom of the sixth.  7 -2 Mariners after six.

The Yankees, perhaps realizing they are playing one of the worst teams in baseball rallied for two runs in the bottom of the ninth off of a Cano single and a Posada ground rule double but Chad “The next Shane Spencer” Huffman popped up for the last out.  Final score:  Mariners 7 Yankees 4.

Notes on the game:

Yankee Stadium has signs posted proudly proclaiming that they are the home of “gluten-free pizza.“  Now I looked up gluten and apparently it is a composite of two proteins called gliaden and glutenin.  Or, as I like to say, “don’t give a shit.”

As I’ve noticed and written about before, the bathrooms on the lower level subtlety remind us of the differences between the rich and the poor. On the lower level, instead of urinals, they had stadium attendants on their knees ready to take the stream of 100 level ticket holders.  As I had eaten spicy food before arriving at the stadium I think I blinded the poor man.  So I tipped him extra.

The woman sitting next to me held a beer cup that said “This environmentally sustainable cup is made entirely of plastic.”  What a coincidence.  So is my soul.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing his wrist, an eagle swooped down and caught him in her talons. She then proceeded to fly to her nest and feed Johnson to her brood, picking bits of Johnson’s flesh off, swallowing it and regurgitating it to her young.  Yankee officials are confident that this will not deter his mid August return to the Yankees.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “You scream I scream we all scream when the zombies eat our flesh” did not inspire the crowd.  Hey people, I’m just trying to alert New Yorkers to the coming zombie apocalypse.  If they want to be caught off guard it’s their business.

Recommended reading material:

Collected Stories of William Faulkner.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “A bird on my fire escape coughed up Nick Johnson’s ear.  Should I return it?”

Definitely not.  You can sell that on Ebay.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I am filled with wrath and hatred for my fellow man.”

He must be a fan of the New York Rangers.

T.S. of Astoria, Queens writes “Philadelphia is the greatest city in the world.”

You poor, poor misguided man.

God writes, “And if thou has been forced to eat much, arise, go out, and vomit; and it shall refresh thee.” Ecclesiasticus 31:25

Wow. So God is a woman!’

And so my record stands at 6 -3.   Oh well, at least the Mets lost.

My next game is Sunday July 18th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

And on a completely unrelated note, to cheer fellow Yankee fans up I have enclosed a picture of my ticket stubs from two games where the Yankees beat the Red Sox in extra innings.  You see, it’s not good enough to beat the Red Sox, you have to crush their spirit.  And what do the Red Sox do?  That’s right, Bahstahn sawks cack!  Go Yankees!

“Poets are like baseball pitchers.  Both have their moments  The intervals are the tough things.” ~ Robert Frost

Today your correspondent found himself ensconced in the 4th to the last row of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium to see a rematch of last year’s World Series - Yankees and Phillies.  I don’t want to say that my seat was bad but during the game Bob Uecker texted me:  “Dude, your seat sucks.” 

The Yankees started CC Sabathia (7-3 4.00 ERA) while the Phillies started Roy “Perfect Game” Halladay (8-5 2.36 ERA). Sabathia’s stats are misleading as four of those victories came against the Orioles (well, who can’t beat the Orioles.)  It was not a pitcher’s duel.

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the second.  A single to Nick Swisher and a walk to Jorge Posada lead to a Brett “My hairline is NOT receding” Gardner triple.  2-0 Yankees after two.

Curtis Granderson led off the bottom of the third with a solo home run to deep right.  After a Robinson Cano double Nick Swisher hit a two run shot.   5-0 Yankees after three.

The Phillies made it briefly interesting scoring three runs in the top of the fourth.  How did they score these runs?  Who cares it’s the Phillies and we all know what the outcome was going to be anyway. But  like I said, it was briefly an interesting game.  Because that’s what we Noo Yawkers like to do.  Tease our opponents before we crush them.  (Well, except for basketball. The less said about the Knicks the better. If any of my readers would like to buy the Knicks and take them off our hands, I’m sure they can be bought for maybe a couple thousand.)  5-3 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Mark “I may be batting .229 but I’m having a really bad year to make up for it” Teixeira hit a solo home run.  6-3 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the seventh, after walks to Teixeira, Jorge Posada and Brett “Stop looking at my hair” Gardner, Francisco Cervelli singled in Teixeira and Posada.   8-3 Yankees after seven.  And that was the final score.  Yankees defeat Philadelphia.  Semi-order is restored to America.  Complete order will not be restored until the damn World Cup is over.

Notes on the game:

There were lots of Philadelphia fans in attendance.  I’d say about 35% of the fans were wearing Philly red.  One fan behind me in Philly red decided it would be good to trash talk the entire game, even at one point starting a “Jeter sucks Peter” heckle. He got quieter as the game went on and the Yankees pulled away.  Then he left early.  Dude, if you’re going to trash talk at least be man enough to stick around for the whole game.  I shot him in the back as he was leaving.

This was day five of the Great 2010 AROD Groin Crisis.  AROD did not play.  His groin did play however.  Kate  Hudson be damned!!

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Our DH Nick Johnson was - oh forget it.  If a malaria-ridden mosquito bit Nick Johnson the mosquito would die. I’m convinced Samuel L. Jackson’s character in “Unbreakable” is based on the oft-injured Johnson.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I said your friend died squealing like a stuck Irish pig.  Now you think about that when I beat the rap”  drew puzzle stares.  And here I thought everyone could quote The Untouchables from memory.  My mistake.

Recommended reading material:

What Happened at Vatican II by John W. O’Malley.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Hey, Philadelphia is a great town.  Just remember buddy, I work for PriceWaterhouse Coopers.  One day you’ll have to be audited and when that happens, I’ll be there to get my revenge.”

I’ve already moved all my assets offshore sir.

T.S. of Astoria Queens but formerly of Philadelphia writes “The Phillies are breaking my heart.  Just like the interns.”

Just make sure they are legal.

Ezra Pound, also of Philadelphia writes, “Yet say this to the Possum:  A bang not a whimper, with a bang not a whimper.”

Obviously Pound is referring to the AROD’s groin problems.

And so after eight games my record stands at 6-2.  My next game is Tuesday June 29th against the Seattle Pilots, er, Mariners.

Go Yankees!

“I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby

Saturday found your humble blogger at Yankee Stadium as the Yankees played game two of a three game series against the Houston (pronounced “How-ston” in New York) Astros.

A heavy air hung over the stadium.  I think it was the spectacle of the so-called World Cup.  And so began that curious phenomenon that happens every four years where we are berated by elites as “stoooooopid” for not liking soccer.

“The French are laughing at us!” they say.   “All progressive civilized nations love soccer.  Only backward America hates it.” 

But we few, we brave, we happy band of baseball fans ignored the threats and admonitions of our elite sportswriters, giving them the collective finger and saying “Soccer?  Please.  Baseball is our sport.”

Let me state this as clearly as I can:  Soccer, like fascism and Wham!, is a European abomination.   Wake me up before you go-go because I feel like invading Poland………

And that concludes my soccer rant.  Onto the game.  The Yankees started Javier Vazquez (6-5) while the Howston Astros started Wandy (Wandy?  Is he a pixie?) Rodriguez (3-9).  Before the game the U.S. Army Parachute Team, the Golden Knights, parachuted into the stadium.  This was part of Military Appreciation Day sponsored by the Special Ops Warrior Foundation, which provides college scholarships to children of soldiers who have died. This is their web site:

Special Ops Warrior Foundation

Derek Jeter led off the bottom of the first by hitting a home run.  1-0 Yankees after one.  Howston’s Third baseman Geoff Blum countered with a home run in the second.  1-1 after two innings. In the top of the third Jeff Keppinger doubled in Tommy Manzella, giving Howston a brief 2-1 lead.  At this point I became nervous.  Vazquez was pitching after all and all Yankee fans still remember his giving up a grand slam to Johnny Damon in game seven of the 2004 LCS.

The Yankees broke through in the bottom of the third.  After a walk to Jeter (who then stole second and went to third on the catcher’s error) Swisher singled him in.  Another walk to Teixeira and a single by Cano left the bases loaded.  DH Jorge “I’m an angry Spanish man and I want to catch” Posada hit a grand slam into the right field seats in front of the bleachers where I was sitting. 6-2 Yankees after three.

Howston got a run back in the sixth from a solo home run from Carlos Lee. But the Yankees came back in the bottom of the inning.  Cervelli and Granderson walked and after Kevin Russo flied out Jeter hit his second home run of the game.  9-3 Yankees after 6.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned earlier, Javier Vazquez pitched for the Yankees, which is always a cause for concern.  He pitched seven innings, giving up six hits while also striking out six.  I guess I have to take back all the bad things I said about him earlier in the season.  After a horrendous start he is slowly gaining respectability, much like me with the bartenders at Fitzgerald’s Pub.

Saturday was Day Two of the Great 2010 AROD Groin Crisis.  For those who don’t know AROD missed his second game in a row with a “twinge” in his groin.  My theory?  His groin misses Kate Hudson.  I’m just saying, you know.  So Kate, if you happen to read this blog, give AROD a call.  Wait, what am I saying?  Kate, if you are reading this blog, give me a call.  Please. C’mon don’t be that way baby.  You know I love you.

Nick Johnson Injury Watch:

As everyone knows our DH Nick Johnson is on the DL.  While rehabbing today he was tragically killed in an accident involving a wood chipper, a penis pump and Lady Gaga.  Yankee officials are confident that this will not set back his recovery by any appreciable length of time.

Best heckle of the game:

Some idiot showed up wearing an “England” soccer jersey.  He was greeted with “Go back to your Islamicist-dominated pathetic little island, Limey.”  Then we started a soccer riot to make him feel at home. I think it worked.  He had a tear in his eye.  Of course that might have been due to the fact that we took turns urinating on him.

Recommended reading material:

Red Harvest by Dashiell Hammett.

Reader mail:

Kate Hudson writes, “I know AROD’s groin feels bad.  That was my job.  I was a plant by the Red Sox.”

Wow.  Kate. Kate.  Kate.  Say it ain’t so.  You’re breaking my heart.

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill says, “Hi, I’m the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.  I just want to introduce myself.  I’m new in the neighborhood and you’ll be seeing a lot more of me.”

I don’t know why everyone hates him.  He seems pretty friendly to me.

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “Space is what I need, it’s what I feed on…..out in the open.”

It’s good to see they are finally allowing you internet access in the “hospital” sir.

God writes, “When the man loses the hair of his head he is not unclean merely because of his bald crown.” - Leviticus 13:40

It’s nice to know I’m not ritually unclean.  Especially considering all the porn I have on my computer.

After seven games my record stands at 5-2.  My next game is Tuesday June 15th against the defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies.

Go Yankees!

Going up to Yankee Stadium I noticed ominous dark clouds.  Would it rain?  Sure enough New York experienced torrential thunderstorms until just before game time.  I assume they were the tears of female Nick Swisher fans as he got engaged over the weekend.  Sorry girls, you won’t have him because as we all know monogamy is a respected tradition among professional athletes.

But onto the game. The Yankees coming off winning three out of four against the Cleveland Indians started a series against the Baltimore “We have plenty of young talent and we have to keep saying this because we suck” Orioles.

The Yankees started Javier “Dead man walking, green mile, waiting for ole sparky” Vazquez.  In the two games I’ve been to this year that the Yankees have lost Vazquez started.  So I was prepared for the worst.  Not having access to an electric chair I brought a noose to the Stadium which security was kind enough to let me bring into the park once I assured them it wasn’t a bomb.

Much to my surprise Vazquez pitched a good game, going 7 innings and giving up four hits and one run on a home run to Corey Patterson. I guess my talk with Vasquez before the game worked.

MI:  Do you know why I have attached electrodes to your testicles?

Javier Vazquez:  Don’t  hurt me.  I promise to pitch a good game.

MI:  You had better.  Now go clean yourself up.  Punk.

The game was an old fashioned pitchers duel with no runs being scored until Curtis Granderson hit a solo home run in the bottom of the fifth.  1 -0 Yankees after five. However the Orioles came back in the top of the sixth on Patterson’s aforementioned home run.  1 -1 after six.  And so the score stayed until Miguel Tejada misplayed Alex Rodriguez’s line drive allowing two runs to  score.  3 - 1 Yankees after seven.

Three days after his meltdown against Cleveland, Joba Chamberlain was brought in to pitch the eighth.  Like Vazquez, I had a talk with Joba before the game.

 MI:  I hear your part American Indian.  Did you ever hear of the trail of tears?

Joba Chamberlain:  Don’t hurt me.  I promise to pitch a good game.

MI:  You had better.  Now go clean yourself up.  Punk.

Joba pitched a scoreless eighth before giving the ball to Mariano Rivera in the ninth who got the final three outs.  Final score:  Yankees 3 Orioles 1.

Notes on the game:

Yankee Stadium has kosher food now.  Not to be outdone the Yankees announced that they have kosher HGH available for their players.  There was no comment from Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, A.J. Burnett or Curtis Granderson as they were last seen exploding in the parking lot.

The Yankees also announced a marketing deal with the Rolling Stones whereby the music of the Stones will be featured at Yankee Stadium.  Said Keith Richards, “The Yankees and the Rolling Stones have much in common.  The Yankees are 27 time world champions and I’m dead, mate.”

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Archbishop Corrigan was right!” provoked puzzled stares from my fellow bleacher creatures.  What?  I thought everbody was hip to obscure 19th-Century ecclesiastical history.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

As most of you know, Nick Johnson is on the 60-day disabled list and won’t be returning to the Yankees until August at the earliest.  Today he was rehabbing  when tragically a pterodactyl, long thought extinct, swooped down and grabbed him, carrying Johnson to her nest where he was fed to her young.  Well, these things are bound to happen I guess.

Recommended reading material:

The IRA:  A History by Tim Pat Coogan.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My mohawk is back!  Unfortunately so are the zombies.  But you know zombies aren’t bad people once you get to know them.”

Bleeding heart liberal!

British Petroleum writes, “What are you complaining about?  You wanted oil.  Well, it’s on your beaches now.”

Yeah, you’re going to have to work on that whole public relations thing.

Julius Caesar writes, “Et tu, Brute?”

I don’t speak Latin so I don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about.

Ted Williams writes, “Will someone please reattach my head?”

What can I say Ted.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Anyway my record now stands at 4 - 2.  My next Yankee game is Saturday June 12th against the Houston (pronounced Howston in New York) Astros.

Go Yankees!

 ”A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings” ~ Earl Wilson

Superman has General Zod.  Batman has the Joker.  My stomach has dairy products. Ying and Yang.  For every force of good there is an equal and opposite force of evil.  Today, evil in the guise of the Boston Red Sawks came to The Bronx.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

The Yankees (24-13) and in second place in the AL East started at two game set against the 19-19 Bahstahn Red Sawks. Or as it is referred to here in New York:  Life or Death.  As it is referred to by the rest of America not in the  I-95 corridor:  The biggest payroll against the second biggest payroll.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes, wisely skipping over the incredible shrinking Javier Vasquez.   The Red Sawks started Daisuke Matsuzaka, who may have wanted to commit ritual hari kari after the Yankees jumped off the board first scoring five runs in the bottom of the first.  When Teixeira doubled in Brett Gardner in the bottom of the second the Yankees had a 6 -1 lead.  I thought the game would be a laugher.  I also felt a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Ben Affleck was trying to get Jennifer Garner to put on a JLo mask.  “Come on honey,  It’s just role play.”  I can’t say I blame Ben.  Once you’ve had JLo’s posterior you never go back.  No….must…not…think…of….her….butt.

Unfortunately it was not a laugher.  Matsuzaka settled down after Red Sawks manager Terry Francona threatened to turn Matsuzaka’s home town into a smoldering radioactive ruin that would make Hiroshima look like child’s play.  Phil Hughes struggled all night and left after five innings, giving up home runs to J.D. Drew and David “Not that I’ve abused steroids, but my testicles just retracted again” Ortiz.  6-5 Yankees after five.  The Yankee bullpen, a source of strength last season again failed us.  Boone Logan (Who?  Seriously. Who?) pitched the sixth and gave up a run on a Victor Martinez home run.  7-6 Yankees after six.

Just off the DL, Chan Ho Park melted down and gave up the lead, allowing 3 runs to score in the eighth off of home runs to Victor Martinez (again) and Kevin Youkilis. 9-7 Bahstahn after 8 innings.

I was preparing myself for a Yankees loss to the forces of evil when in the bottom of the ninth AROD hit a 2-run home run to tie the score.   After Francisco Cervelli was hit by a pitch the newest Yankee hero Marcus Thames homered for the Yankees first walk off shaving cream in the face win of the season.  Final Score:  Yankees 11 Bahstahn 9.

I feel a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Matt Damon is trying to convince someone that he is in fact not Mark Wahlberg.

Notes on the game:

There was a preliminary celebrity sighting.  Someone who looked like Eddie Murphy was at the game.  But since the person sitting next to him was a biological female and not a transsexual it was ruled out.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

As everyone knows Johnson is on the DL and may need season ending surgery.  He was in the Yankee locker room before the game rehabbing his wrist when he slipped on a Joba Chamberlain game-used condom and  broke his back.  Yankee trainers immobilized him and placed him in an ambulance.  Unfortunately the ambulance was involved in a head on collision on the Major Deegan Expressway. The back door to the ambulance flew open and the stretcher with Nick Johnson landed in the East River where it was attacked by a lonely and lost whale who mistook Johnson and said stretcher for another whale.  Johnson was dragged under the water and was in danger of drowning when the whale was cut in two by a passing tour boat.  Johnson swam to shore and was immediately attacked by a pit bull, losing the left side of his body.  The Yankees claim this is just a temporary set back for their DH.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Lets go Phil Hughes and strike out some Jews” didn’t seem to fire up the crowd.  In fact I was told I might be committing a hate crime.  So I changed my chant. Whenever Matsuzaka released the ball I would shout, “There’s a nip in the air!”

What? It was cold at Yankee Stadium last night.

Recommended reading material:

The Battle for Spotsylvania Court House and the Road to Yellow Tavern by Gordon C. Rhea.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florda writes, “Recently I gave a judge a 20 dollar bill with the understanding he would find in favor of my client.  Instead he had me arrested for an attempted bribe.  What did I do wrong?”

You should have given him 20 dollars and some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  Who can resist peanut butter cups?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I cannot believe Ronny Dio is dead.  I cannot believe it’s not butter.  I cannot believe I am writing you.”

Wow.  You really are a nihilist L.K.

S.S. of New York writes, “I really love Mondays.  They are my favorite day of the week.”

I have to apologize for S.S. readers.  She’s originally from upstate New York someplace around Rochester. No doubt she’s scarred by the experience.

H.S. of Queens writes, “I am Albanian and a Mets fan.”

Could be worse.  He could be an Azerbaijani Phillies fan.

M.W. (though soon to be  M.B.) writes “I just shot a Mets fan.”

Was he Albanian?

So after five games my record stands at 3-2.  My next Yankee game is Tuesday June 1st against the Baltimore “Almost a Major League team” Orioles.

Go Yankees!

In my post for April 15th I wrote that Nick Johnson had changed his uniform number to “May 5″ to honor the date he is placed on the disabled list:

baseball-baseball-baseball

Well baseball fans, I was off by three days.  Today May 8th the Yankees placed Nick Johnson on the DL.  And let it never be said that the Manhattan Infidel is nothing if not prescient.

Johnny Damon our Yankee Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

 If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry

Today I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play a matinee against the Baltimore Orioles. And if you can’t spend a beautiful spring day with Olivia Wilde   the ballpark will do.  Fortunately for me, Javier Vasquez was not the scheduled starter so there was a good chance of victory.

Andy Pettitte (4-0) started for the Yankees and pitched five strong innings, allowing six hits and one run while striking out two, lowering his ERA to 2.08.  Unfortunately for the Yankees, since Pettitte is 62 years old he had to leave the game after the fifth inning with stiffness in his elbow and back.  Hopefully he won’t miss a start.

The Yankees scored first when Nick Johnson of the .171 average and bad pornstache homered to deep right.  The Yankees play music when each person is announced to bat.  The music played is what the players request.  Johnson plays Miley Cyrus.  He claims he does this for his daughter.  Yes.  Of course.  That is the reason.  And I was caught in an alley with a prostitute because I was ministering to the outcasts of society.

Nick Swisher homered in the second.  AROD drove in Jeter in the third and the Yankees scored three times in the fourth.  6 - 1 after five when Pettitte left.  Victory seemed secure.  Then our bullpen came in. Ty Wigginton, Matt Weiters and Nolan Reimold homered for Baltimore in the eighth and ninth as Baltimore scored four times off of five Yankee relievers.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Baltimore 5.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was captured by the Borg before the game and assimilated into the Collective.  Fortunately the clubhouse attendants for the Yankees were able to retrofit a batting helmet to fit over the Borg implants.

Notes on the game:

At one point before the game I found myself leaning on a stainless steel table behind the home plate area.  I was immediately surrounded by Yankee Stadium security who sensed a disturbance in the force.

“Sir. You can’t lean here.  This area is reserved!”

Damn my gauche elbows.   Well, they do look poor.

Today was Cinco de Mayo.  There was a special on Latin food at Yankee Stadium.  To ensure ethnic authenticity all Latin food came with a switchblade.  What?  What do you mean I can’t say that?  People are so sensitive nowadays.

In the Yankee team store they sell “game-used equipment.”  I wanted to buy some game-used equipment.  But Jeter’s jersey was $1,000.  Home plate was $2,000.  I don’t have that kind of money so I bought a Ramiro Pena game-used unwashed jockstrap for $11.25.  It was either that or Billy Martin’s liver preserved in a pickle jar for $25.00

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “That videotape that purports to show me stabbing my neighbor to death?  It’s fake.  Really.  Honestly.”

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Damn you Manhattan Infidel for disparaging my great city.  If it weren’t for my ankle monitoring bracelet and the fact that leaving the state violates my parole I’d travel to NYC and admonish you.”

Olivia Wilde writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Megan Fox writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Jessica Rabbit writes, “I’m not bad.  I’m just drawn that way.  And what part of a restraining order don’t you understand?”

Frau Blucher writes, “Stay close to the candles.  The stairway can be……treacherous”

Recommended reading material:

The History of the Federal Reserve, Volume 1, 1913-1951.  (I bought it only for the pictures of the naked girls.)

So this year my record stands at 2-2.  My next game is Monday May 17th against the abomination of desolation known as the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do readers?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Go Yankees!