Manhattan Infidel

Captain James T. Kirk, acting against the advice of counsel, began his defense today in his much ballyhooed trial.

Kirk does not deny any of the allegations of Star Fleet.  Instead he paints a picture of a man in the far flung corners of the galaxy operating on a shoe string budget and without a support structure who is forced to improvise his way through space.

“It’s not like there was a goddamn manual on how to behave” said Kirk.  “Well, actually there is but I didn’t have time to read it.”

Kirk began his defense by talking about the nature of command.

Here I was in distant parts of space making first contact with alien species.  This was allegedly the most important part of my job.  That’s why Star Fleet sent me out. That’s what the orders said. When making contact with aliens the first impression they have of you often determines if your mission will be a success.  I was trying to establish an air of gravity and dignity to show the power of Star Fleet.  Instead Star Fleet kept sending me these shitty ass tunics that kept ripping.  It’s no wonder the aliens laughed at me and called me “Captain Torn Shirt.”  I asked Star Fleet if they could provide some better uniforms and they said it wasn’t in the budget.

Continuing his theme on how tightfisted Star Fleet was Kirk introduced into evidence the outdated hardware aboard the Enterprise.

I mean, c’mon.  The Enterprise was allegedly their flagship and they stick the crew with this crap?  How about some flat screen monitors with up to date graphics capability? How about some 52 inch flat screens?  You try streaming porn on this crap. What is this?  The 1990s? How about some solid state electronics?  Do you know how many times the circuits shorted out shocking the crew?

So I finally bitched long enough and they sent me a new computer.  A computer with a crappy screensaver.  Don’t I at least get some flying toasters or something?  Jesus!

Kirk ended the first part of his defense by talking about the frailties of being human.

We’re officially not supposed to “fraternize” with fellow officers if you know what I mean.  But here we are, light years from home and lonely.  So Star Fleet turned a blind eye to this regulation.  They provided me with a hot blond yeoman to provide for my needs.

But then they took her away for no reason. And without my yeoman I had nothing to keep me from giving in to concupiscence.   So I fraternized.  Boy did I ever fraternize.  The Beatles were right:  “Black/white/green/red/can I take my friend to bed?”

Kirk intends to continue in this line of defense, threatening to “shake Star Fleet to its core.”

“I was set up to fail and someone’s going to pay!”

There is as of yet no word on whether any of the crew of the Enterprise will testify on his behalf.

Prosecution for Star Fleet rested today in the trial for dereliction of duty of Captain James T. Kirk.

In its closing statement the lead prosecutor for Star Fleet called Kirk “unfit for duty on all counts” and presented a picture of a man obsessed with sex whose entire career was one bad decision after another.

Among the damning evidence introduced Kirk would often go on shore leave and shoot civilians with his sidearm.

“Kirk claimed he was protecting the Federation but we believe he just liked shooting people.”

And then there was the issue of Kirk’s, shall we say “interesting” sex life.

“Look, we at Star Fleet Headquarters aren’t prudes.  We enjoy sex.  Sometimes even with Methodists.  But when a peace conference is delayed because the top Federation negotiator is getting his freak on, well, things have to change.”

The following security tapes were entered into evidence:

And always there were the green women.

“Kirk insisted that whenever he beamed down to a planet he had an Orion slave girl waiting for him.  Do you know how hard it is to procure one?  So we started spray painting women green.  Kirk found out and he was pissed.  He said, ‘You don’t understand.  Green women can do things.’ Then he showed me some photos.  I wish the mind could unsee what the eyes have seen!”

Kirk also displayed a pronounced hostility to all native religions and would often destroy their temples.

But what in the end forced Star Fleet’s hand was Kirk’s questionable political affiliations.

“Kirk and Spock were founders of the Federation Nazi Party.  I mean, come on.  We’re trying to win the hearts and minds of people and they are doing this?  Star Fleet is not the Fourth Reich.”

The defense starts next week.  Kirk, who against the advice of counsel will be defending himself, looks forward to “total exoneration.   And green women.”

The salacious trial of Captain James T. Kirk of Star Fleet enters its third week with more bombshell testimony depicting an out of control ship with an officer corp that was, to put it mildly, unfit for duty.

“Everybody on board the ship was drunk all the time” said an enlisted man testifying at Kirk’s trial.  “Captain Kirk himself would often wander the corridors drinking.  He wasn’t even trying to hide it.  What sort of example did that set?”

On one notorious occasion dubbed “Spank that!”, a drunk Kirk attacked Yeoman Rand and raped her.  Rand dropped the charges when her quarters were upgraded and she was promoted.

And when Kirk wasn’t drunk or raping a yeoman he was self-medicating with powerful horse tranquilizers that left him catatonic for hours.

There was also a strong counter-cultural element on board the Enterprise, giving the ship the nickname the S.S. Hippie throughout Star Fleet.  Space aliens who had “tuned in, turned on and dropped out” made the Enterprise their home. Singing protests songs and preaching peace they severely retarded morale.

“We all hated them” said a crewman.  “Smelly dirty hippies.  They kept taunting me and calling me ‘Herbert’ whatever the hell that meant.”

Infected with their pacifism many of the crew took to neglecting their duties and scribbling graffiti on the walls.

First Officer Spock was the most disturbed by the graffiti.

“He didn’t understand pacifism.  He just didn’t think it was logical.  He was often complaining about what idiots Humans were.”

And, of course, with the crew infected by peace, love and rock and roll poor Yeoman Rand got the worst of it.

“It’s bad enough the Captain raped her but it got to the point where she couldn’t even roam the halls anymore.  Well, to be fair she was the only blond on the ship and everyone wanted to hit that.”

And where was the only man who could turn the ship around and restore morale?  Where was Captain Kirk during all of this?

Hanging out by the public baths, holding alien sex toys and looking for action.

Kirk maintains all charges are false and says he can’t wait to take the stand to prove his innocence.

The trial of Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise continues at Star Fleet Headquarters.  Billed as the “Trial of the Century” each day leads to further revelations as to life on board the Enterprise that were, to  put it mildly, not in keeping with Star Fleet discipline.

For starters, it seems that security on the ship was lax.

“Knife fights were a constant problem” said a crewman at the trial. “They were breaking out practically every day. Christ you’d think the entire crew was Puerto Rican or something.”

Kirk himself was known to get in on the action.

Many speculate as to why Kirk would do this.  The consensus seems to be that Kirk was overcompensating for his short height and felt the need to prove he was a man.

In keeping with this he would frequently invite young men onto the bridge and then, bizarrely, proceed to beat them up.

Kirk was also known as a man who loved the ladies. He even forced his yeoman to dress nonregulation while on duty which proved to be a distraction to the crew, as this still from a security camera proves.

Kirk it is alleged also was involved in an improper relationship with his first officer, Mr. Spock.  Kirk was in the habit of inviting Spock to his quarters and then taking off his shirt.  Spock grew confused and was often seen in the halls crying and and saying, “God I love Jim.  But I feel such shame.”

But perhaps most damaging to Kirk’s reputation was the astonishing 73% of “redshirts” or lower rank officers, who died under his command.

Entered into testimony was the log of one late redshirt:

This is great.  I’m on the planet with Kirk, Spock and McCoy.  I guess they chose me because they trust me.  My career should get a boost from this.  Hey what’s that over there?  It’s moving towards me.  AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Kirk for his part continues to deny all charges, claiming they are politically based and trumped up.

“It’s because I’m short!  Star Fleet hates short officers.  If I were taller this wouldn’t be happening.”

The trial continues and can be seen on CNBC every night.

Star Fleet, already hit by budget cuts was further rocked today when it was announced that Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise and several top officers have been indicted for dereliction of duty.

“We were all shocked” said a Star Fleet Admiral.  “Kirk was one of our youngest and brightest officers.  He had a bright future ahead of him.”

Even if found not guilty Kirk’s career is most likely over.

Star Fleet first suspected that all was not well when Kirk decided to ignore orders and visit Orion in search of green women. Surveillance tapes record this exchange between Kirk and his First Officer Mr. Spock:

Spock: To ignore orders to search for green women is highly illogical.

Kirk:  Oh grow a pair Mr. pointy ears.

The Enterprise spent a week in orbit around Orion where Kirk allegedly beamed down every night to “sample” green women.  Kirk contracted a sexually transmitted disease on the planet which made him grow lesions and turned his testicles green. Months later while officiating at a peace conference Kirk admitted to Spock that he was distracted.

“My goddamn balls are green!  And they itch.  And they smell.  How am I going to explain this?”

The peace conference failed.

Kirk is also accused of failing to impose discipline on board the Enterprise.  Specifically the ban on alcoholic beverages.  Security footage caught Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott in an apparent advanced state of intoxication:

There are also reports of rampant use of powerful hallucinogenics by the crew, particularly by First Officer Spock.  At one point Spock, high on LSD, attacked Captain Kirk on the bridge and had to be subdued.

“Spock had a lot of issues” said an officer who prefers to remain anonymous.  “As a half-breed he was in a lot of pain and used the drugs to dull it.”

Nor was the drug use confined to Spock.  Kirk and other officers apparently ran a drug ring on board the ship and would forcibly inject people to make them dependent on Kirk’s supply (which he sold at exorbitant prices.)

Kirk made it a habit when visiting planets to “strong-arm” the residents into paying him a monthly tribute in direct violation of Star Fleet protocol which bans any such sort of remuneration.

Said Bela Oxmyx of Sigma Lotia II, “He called himself ‘The Godfather’ whatever that means and he said that if I did him a favor one day he would return it.”

Kirk also violated Star Fleet’s “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy by openly engaging in anal rape on several occasions.

If convicted of all counts Captain Kirk faces a minimum of ten years in a Star Fleet prison.  Kirk for his part denies all charges and blames the accusations on antisemitism by top Star Fleet brass.

Star Fleet has issued a statement saying that they are “saddened by the events but that they are an aberration.   Our officers are very dedicated and young men and women should not be discouraged from choosing Star Fleet as a career.”

Kirk’s trial begins next week.