Manhattan Infidel

Today on the Yellow Brick Road an accident involving 20 cars killed two pedestrians, tentatively identified as “Tin Man” and “Scarecrow.”

Around 8:30 AM during the height of the morning rush hour four pedestrians were noticed holding hands and dancing along the side of the Yellow Brick Road, the only non-toll road leading to Emerald City.

According to police reports trouble started when Dorothy Gale, last known address rural Kansas,  tried to stop a car to ask “Where is the f#&^*#g Wizard?”

Not wanting to hit the pedestrians the car veered into the southbound lane, striking a limo filled with anchors from MSNBC.  The limo immediately burst into flames.  Other cars tried to avoid the flaming van of anchors and many ended up crashing into each other, causing more chaos. Soon 20 cars were piled up on the road, some on fire, others upside down or totaled.  Drivers involved the crash who did not immediately lose consciousness screamed for help, many of them trapped as flames and fuel covered the road.

Among the victims were two of the pedestrians.  As the Tin Man lay by the side of the road first responders stabilized him and attempted to give first aid but were stopped by said Tin Man who kept asking to “be oiled.”

“I was trying to intubate him but all he kept doing was saying ‘No no…..I want oil.  Someone oil me!’  I have no idea what he was talking about.  I think he was on drugs.  But whatever it was he died shortly after that” said a responder.

Also killed was the Scarecrow, who was literally cut in two.

“It was horrible.  His legs were on one side of the road and his torso was on the other.  There was straw all over the place.”

Surviving the accident were Dorothy and The Cowardly Lion.  The Lion survived by hiding by the side of the road.  When responders found him he was crying “I’m a coward.”  He had also soiled himself.   Mr. Lion and Dorothy were questioned by police and then arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance.

“Dorothy was glassy eyed and semi-incoherent. She kept giving us this cockamamie story about how her house fell on a wicked witch.  She also offered to service me if I would bring her to somebody she called the ‘F#$(*$g Wizard.’  Damn hippie freaks is what they are” said a policeman.

The Mayor of Emerald City has asked the city council to pass legislation outlawing pedestrians from walking along the side of the Yellow Brick Road.

“We’ve had problems for a while now with pedestrians. This isn’t the first accident they’ve caused but it is the deadliest.  Damn hippie freaks.”

The Mayor has also asked the State for capital improvements on the road that would widen it and put barriers in place to keep pedestrians from running into traffic.

When seven castaways were rescued from a tropical island, the skipper of the charter boat might have thought his problems were over.  But they were just beginning.

The Skipper, founder of S.S. Minnow Island Charter, Inc., has denied all wrongdoing in the beaching of his boat and subsequent stranding of his passengers, including a multimillionaire industrialist, his wife, a movie star and two others.

However his license to run his charter has been suspended.  One of his passengers, noted multimillionaire industrialist Thurston Howell III has been deeply critical of the Skipper.

“He promised us free lunches.  It says so right on his brochure.  But when I got on board I found out I had to pay for my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

Mr. Howell continues:

“He knew I was a millionaire.  That’s why he crashed the boat. It was blackmail pure and simple.  He was after my money.”

Actress Ginger Grant seems to corroborate Mr. Howell’s story.

“I was  hired for one reason.  I was hired to distract Howell with my sexuality. Then the Skipper would take his money. Though why a multimillionaire industrialist would bring suitcases full of cash on board a charter boat is beyond me.”

Ms. Grant is suing the Skipper for loss of work and back wages.

“I was on that island for three years.  I lost out on so many good roles that went to other, less talented actresses whose  sex appeal obviously cannot match mine.”

The Skipper denies he had any plot to steal Howell’s money.  He also denies using Ms. Grant as bait.

“She (Grant) has a high opinion of herself.  I never found her that sexy.  Personally I liked the other girl.  I forget her name.  We had two other passengers but Gilligan and I just called them ‘the rest’ since they were quiet and kept to themselves.”

The Skipper also denies being the brains behind any so-called extortion plot.

“It wasn’t my island.  It was Gilligan’s Island” said the Skipper, referring to his first mate.   “It was his Island.  He was responsible for everything!”

First mate Gilligan has reportedly struck a deal with prosecutors to provide evidence against the Skipper in return for immunity.

Authorities have called this the most unusual extortion case they have ever seen.

“It was just a three hour tour!  A three hour tour.  That means they would go out for an hour and a half and come back.   So they  were no more than 12 nautical miles from port.  And the passengers couldn’t figure this out?  The millionaire, his wife, the movie star and the two others. I forget their names.  You know, the rest?  Are they morons?” said a detective with Honolulu’s police force.

With crowds watching the Jumbotron in Times Square, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the 2014 Super Bowl has been awarded to “the great City of New York.  And by that I mean East Rutherford, New Jersey.”

The announcement brought a sight of relief from New York’s (and East Rutherford, New Jersey’s) thousands of prostitutes.

“The ’90s were great for us” said one prostitute.  “We had the Democratic Convention twice.  And then we had the Republican Convention. Politicians are some of our best customers. But since then business has been fallen off.  I’ve taken to hanging around schoolyards trying to hook up with teachers who haven’t been lucky enough to score with their students.”

One factor that weighed heavily in New York (and by that I mean New Jersey) not getting the Super Bowl before has been the cold weather in the northeast in February.  Said one NFL official:

The half time show was a concern.  Some of these old people don’t respond well to the elements. Pete Seeger turned us down and Phil Ochs is already dead but Bob Dylan said he’d do it after we assured him that heated blankets would be available.  Also a masseuse will vigorously rub him down between songs while vodka is poured down his throat.  Hopefully these precautions will keep him alive during the show.  Also a defibrillator and emergency technicians will be standing by in case of heart stoppage.

Security for the 2014 Super Bowl will be extra tight.  Those lucky enough to get a ticket will have to show up 18 hours before game time. Upon arrival they will be herded into “security detainment centers” where they will be x-rayed.  After the x-ray they will be stripped naked and subjected to a severe and excruciatingly thorough body cavity search.  After this they will be whipped by a dominatrix.  When asked how the whipping would enhance security an employee at the new Meadowlands Stadium said, “Beats me.  But that’s just the way we do things in New York.  And by that I mean New Jersey.  Besides, she had the low bid on the contract.”

Because of the cold weather, ticket prices for the Super Bowl will be discounted.

“Ticket prices will start at $4,000 for upper level seats and go up to $25,000 for box seats” said Commissioner Goodell.   “We’re proud that the average working Joe will finally be able to afford a ticket.”

When informed by a reporter that $4,000 was beyond what most people could afford Goodell said “Yeah, well, that’s just how we do things in New  York.  And by that I mean New Jersey.  Now why don’t you be a nice boy and behave yourself, Kappish?  Shame if something were to happen to you.”

Defying all expectations local hip hop artist “Dirty Muthafucka” has avoided being shot.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” said Dirty Muthafucka.  “My music is violent.  Authentic.  Filled with disturbing images.  I have a posse that follows me around.  They all carry guns.  I encourage them to shoot people.  So why am I not being shot back?”

In lieu of his nonshooting many record stores are refusing to carry his CDs.  iTunes will not carry his music either.

“We’ve given him every opportunity to die a violent death but since he hasn’t there doesn’t seem to be any market for his hip hop” said an Apple executive.

In recent weeks Mr. Muthafucka has taken steps to increase his street credibility in hopes of a violent death.

“I got tats man” said Muthafucka as he raised his sleeve revealing a “I love butterflies and rainbows“ tattoo.  “Oh man that’s not the tat I asked for.  I specifically asked for the ‘Whitey must die’ one.  See how the man mocks me!”

In addition to his disturbing tendency to remain alive, other recent events have thrown doubt on his hip hop legitimacy as shown by this charged exchange with a reporter from the New York Times:

NY Times:  How well did you know your father?

Dirty Muthafucka: I never knew him.  He was wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

NY Times:  But our records show that he worked for IBM until he retired.

Dirty Muthafucka: Okay, so he worked at IBM. But in the mail room because the Man would not let him go any higher.

NY Times:  He was an executive.  His tax return shows that he made $1,000,000 a year.

Dirty Muthafucka: All lies by the Man.  He was a convict.

NY Times:  We have a picture of him introducing Ronald Reagan at a campaign rally.

Dirty Muthafucka:   So this is how the Man operates? I invite you into my home and share my Pinot Grigio with you and you spread the same old tired lies about my family?  This interview is over!

Mr. Muthafucka, who was born Edward Jones in Scarsdale, New York has asked his fans to pray that he gets shot soon.

“I have a brand name to uphold.  If I don’t get killed my career is going to die!”

With its housing market severely distressed, credit nonexistent and with no tax base, the city council of Bedford Falls has asked longtime resident George Bailey to “get the hell out of town.”

“We used to have a good town until Bailey screwed everything up” said the Mayor.  “Business was good.  People could buy homes without worrying that their investment would become worthless.  But now?  Look at Main Street!”

Since the housing bust Main Street has become a ghost town of boarded up formerly thriving businesses.  An investigation into the cause of the crash has placed the blame on Bailey’s Savings and Loan Association.  Mr. Bailey’s Association has long been known in town for its controversial policy of sub prime mortgages.  Mr. Bailey has often insisted that by loaning money to the underprivileged he is helping the town in the long run.

During hearings into the crash Bailey told the Town Council, “Why here - you’re all businessmen here. Doesn’t it (giving the working class mortgages) make them better citizens? Doesn’t it make them better customers?”

You - you said - what’d you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they’re so old and broken down that they… Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about… they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community.

A member of the Town Council called Bailey’s defense “impassioned and his heart is in the right place but he has no idea what he is talking about.” 

The crisis in Beford Falls financial community started when many of the people who had received mortgages at the hands of Bailey defaulted forcing the First Bank of Bedford Falls, run by Henry Potter to plunge 30 million in reserves into the market.  The money, while welcome came too late to prevent the crash.

With businesses failing and its tax base down, Bedford Falls was forced to lay off half its police force.

The end for George Bailey came as the result of certain financial improprieties at the Savings and Loan.    Last month Bailey defaulted on $800,000 in Savings and Loan debts.  Fearing “scandal, bankruptcy and prison” Bailey took to drinking heavily and left his wife.

There are also reports that money from his Savings and Loan found its way into the bank account of local dancer Violet Bick, a blond of dubious reputation.

“Why the whole town knows he’s been giving money to Violet Bick” said Mr. Potter.

Despite many who testified in favor of Bailey the Council has voted 7-2 in favor of a nonbinding resolution asking him to leave town within 30 days.

Mr. Bailey is expected to comply with the resolution as he has already accepted a position with the President’s Economic Advisory Council.

“George Bailey’s dedication, enthusiasm and selflessness to the downtrodden of society is exactly what this country needs and I am proud to have him as part of my Administration” said President Obama.

Mr. Bailey’s guardian angel, Clarence, who once again failed to make Angel First Class and win his wings has reportedly become despondent and moved in with Bailey’s former lover, Miss Bick.

“If I can’t get my wings I’m going to have some fun.  I’m going to grab Bick by the back of her hair and ride her ass.”

Local resident Charlie Brown and several of his friends including Schroeder and Pig Pen were gunned down today execution-style at their high school.

“There was blood everywhere” said the sheriff.  “It was horrible.  Absolutely horrible. Like a Deepak Chopra book.”

The only witness to the shooting left alive was Mr. Brown’s teacher.  “I tried getting a statement from her but I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me but I couldn’t understand a word she said.”

According to reports the suspect, Linus Van Pelt, head of a local cult that worships the so-called “Great Pumpkin” walked into school loaded with semi-automatic weapons under his trench coat and “methodically” searched for specific victims.

“He seemed to have it in for Mr. Brown and several others.  Apparently Mr. Van Pelt had a history with the victims.  They had repeatedly mocked Mr. Van Pelt’s religious beliefs and had refused to join his cult” continued the sheriff.

After killing all his intended targets Van Pelt turned the gun on himself  but not before shouting “This is a sacrifice the Great Pumpkin demands!”

The so-called Cult of the Great Pumpkin had been gaining many converts in town.

“They live together on a commune in the middle of a pumpkin patch.  Some dog named Snoopy protects them.  Whenever I tried to investigate the damn dog would put on goggles, climb on top of his dog house and strafe the town.  I’d give him a ticket but oddly enough, we don’t have an ordinance against dogs strafing people.”

In the aftermath of the shooting police are expected to crack down on the Great Pumpkiners.

“They’re a dangerous cult.  Like the Mormons and people who prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar” stated the sheriff.

Already the FBI is reportedly setting up a field office in town to investigate the cult.

Town authorities have also looked into establishing a SWAT team for future incidents but nixed the idea because it would be too costly.  Instead they will hire a few pissed off Irishmen to beat up people who look suspicious.

As for the scene of the shooting, Charlie Brown’s high school will never be the same.

“We are getting rid of sex ed and devil dogs in the vending machines” said the principal.  “Children need boundaries.”

The Vatican has ended its 45-year feud with the Beatles.  The feud began when the late John Lennon said that the Beatles were “bigger than Jesus Christ.”

L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, declared that while they still have problems with the Beatles “dissolute and uninhibited lives”  their music is undeniably great.

“Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still gives us emotions, lives on like precious jewels” said the newspaper.

While forgiving the Beatles, the Vatican went on to say that The Monkees are still “bastards.”

In  his encyclical letter, “Monkees Bastardius”, an English translation which was provided to Manhattan Infidel, Pope Benedict XVI writes:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by the Monkees, starving, hysterical naked

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry Herman’s Hermits fix

The Vatican further condemned the Monkees, stating that Mike Nesmith, “when he dies”, will go straight to the fourth circle of Hell.

“Nesmith’s mother invented White Out.  He should have been rich.  Instead he had to play guitar while while Mickey Dolenz and Davey Jones sang.  I mean, come on.  Nesmith was better than both of them” said Tarcisio Bertone, Vatican Secretary of State.

Pope Benedict XVI, who admits to having the Beatles, Nine Inch Nails and the Royal Guardsman, “I love their Snoopy vs. The Red Baron album”  on his iPod will not put the Monkees on his playlist.

“Let whomever puts the Monkees on their iPod be anathema” said the Pope.

From London, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney responded positively to news from the Vatican.

“I’m sure if I wasn’t so stoned I’d appreciate this a lot more.  Was I in the Beatles?”

Chaz Bono, child of Sonny Bono and Cher and formerly known as Chastity Bono when he was a woman expressed disappointment in the results of his sex change.

“I was always an ugly woman but I figured once I had sex reassignment surgery my former ugliness would translate into a masculine roughneck quality.  But, damn.  I’m still ugly.  What a letdown.”

Experts familiar with sex reassignment surgery are not surprised.  Known as the “WTF Effect” many who undergo the surgery find themselves bitterly disappointed in the outcome.

“Many who have this surgery feel unattractive and unwanted.  They think by changing their sex this will change.  Men think that by becoming women they will become pole dancers whereas they end up looking like John Cleese in drag.  Women think they will look like Leonardo DiCaprio.  But alas, that is not the case.  Most end up becoming truckers after surgery” said a doctor who has performed many of the sex reassignment surgeries.

Typical is a letter from a woman who used to be a man before surgery who writes, “I’m still ugly! I mortgaged my house and raided my retirement fund to have my testicles cut off.   Hell, I could have saved my money and just gotten married.”

With malpractice costs on the rise many doctors are now requiring candidates for surgery to fill out a questionnaire before going under the knife.  Questions include:

1. Are you ugly?
2. Seriously, are you ugly?
3. How ugly?  Run of the mill bow wow or Nikki Sixx ugly?
4. Sex reassignment will change this how?

Many doctors have reported being harassed by angry post op patients and are now refusing to perform the surgery.  “If I wanted an ugly man/woman to beat me up I could go to Boy George’s apartment” said one.

As for Chaz Bono he is making the most of his new life.

“It’s not what I expected to be sure but what can I do?  I’m working as a bouncer now.  I think the tats on my arm make me look tough.”

The Galactic Empire’s Death Star exploded today.  The exact cause of the explosion is as yet undetermined though sources say Empire police are looking for two low-level stormtroopers who were last seen “messing with the thermostat.”

“It’s true” said an anonymous source.   “Two stormtroopers would always play with the thermostat on the Death Star.  Once would lower it and the other would raise it as high as it could go.  I guess he finally raised it too high.”  Shortly before the explosion the two suspects were seen leaving in a space shuttle.  “They are innocent until proven guilty of course.  But at the very least it looks damn suspicious.”  

The loss of the Death Star dealt a serious blow to the Galactic Empire and will lead to political repercussions across the Universe.  At the very least it will seriously hamper the Empire’s efforts to defeat the nascent Republican movement.

Chancellor Palpatine told reporters that the Empire will recover.

“This is a serious blow without a doubt.  We have lost thousands of our best troops.  The Republican terrorists will seek to take advantage of this.  But the Empire will prevail.  Let’s not forget that we have the people on our side.”

He then reminded everyone of the many benefits of the Empire.

“Does anyone remember what the Galaxy used to be like?  Wars between planets.  Out of control crime.  Galactic muggings.  A family would think twice before hopping in their space ship for a cruise around the Universe.  Look at all we’ve accomplished.  Crime is down.  The Galaxy is at peace.  The space lanes are safe again.  Tourism is up.  Business is booming.”

A reporter asked if another Death Star would be built.

“Look.  First off, it’s not a ‘Death Star.’  It’s  a Defense Star.  We will of course rebuild.  But it’ll take time.  The Empire is stretched thin at the moment.  We’ve just given all Empire citizens universal health care.  This isn’t cheap. We’ll have to increase our debt ceiling to do it.  But we will do it.”

Palpatine closed his press conference by setting aside next week as a time of mourning and promising a complete review of the Empire’s defense capability.

The first casualty of any proposed change in defense will be the commander of the Death Star itself, Lord Darth Vader.  The Empire has not been able to contact him since the explosion.

“He has to be held responsible.  He had the freaking force.  Why didn’t he use it to discipline his troops better?  Once we find him he has some explaining to do.  At the very least he’s going to have to turn in his helmet.”

It has been 45 years since NBC first aired the now classic Christmas documentary, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  In the intervening years much tragedy has befallen the cast.  Call it fate.  Call it chance.  Some refer to it as “The Curse of Rudolph.”

Many feel that the curse started the night the special aired with the case of Bird Fish from the Island of Misfit Toys.  Bird Fish was a bird that swam instead of flew.  On his visit to the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph promised a home for all the toys.

“I thought he was just blowing smoke up my ass” said Bird Fish.  “But then Santa showed up and took me on his sleigh.  I was happy!  I was going to find a home.  We were flying over Georgia when one of the elves grabs me and says ‘here is your new home.’  He then drops me over the side of the sleigh.  I told him, I begged him not to.  I can’t fly I said.  I swim.  But no.  Son of a bitch has to drop me anyway.  I landed on top of a car.  No one found me until morning.”

Since that night Bird Fish has been confined to an iron lung.   “I wish I never met Rudolph.”

King Moonracer was the ruler of the Island of Misfit Toys until Rudolph arrived.

“I was King.  My word was law.  It’s great being King.  My family had ruled the Island for centuries.  It was a hereditary monarchy.  I had everything.  Power, women, luxury like you wouldn’t believe.  Then that son of a bitch Rudolph showed up and took all of my subjects.  The ones that stayed had a rebellion soon after that and deposed me.  That’s how I ended up in Venezuela.  Still I shouldn’t complain.  I have it better than a lot of former rulers.  I play tennis with Hugo and every now and then I get to see Sean Penn.”

The list of those who met tragic fates after the television special goes on.

• Yukon Cornelius, happy go lucky prospector and intimate of Rudolph was killed in a mine explosion in 1970.  His body has never been recovered.
• Clarice the Doe, love interest of Rudolph died of pancreatic cancer in 1976.  Many blame the power lines that ran in front of her family’s cave.
• Hermey the misfit elf committed suicide after his dentist’s license was revoked when he was caught sleeping with his patients.
• Sam the Snowman, who bore an amazing resemblance to Burl Ives,  retired to Florida shortly after the special.  He tragically melted when his air conditioner malfunctioned.
• The Bumble (a.k.a. the Abominable Snow Monster of the North) died of a heart attack.  An autopsy revealed severely clogged arteries, no doubt the result of his reindeer diet which was rich in red meat.

But perhaps no one better exemplifies the Curse of Rudolph than Rudolph himself.  After the special aired Rudolph was thrust into the spotlight.

“He had a hard time handling fame” says his father.  “He was just a shy reindeer who liked his privacy.”

Rudolph was unable to follow up on his success after Santa asked him to drive his sleigh and fell into alcohol and drug abuse.  He moved to Hollywood hoping for a second chance but was unable to find any work except for an appearance on The Dating Game.

Severely depressed and deeply in debt the end came for Rudolph on the night of April 12, 1975.  High and brandishing a gun, Rudolph had taken a cleaning woman hostage.  Police surrounded his motel room and asked for his surrender.  Instead Rudolph fired at the police while shouting “Come and take me pigs!”  Police opened fire, cutting Rudolph in two with the fusillade.

“Ironically, his red nose made it much easier for the SWAT team to sight him in their scopes” said one of the police officers present.

With no money for a funeral Rudolph’s body was cremated and his ashes sent to his father in the North Pole.  The ashes never arrived, having been lost in the mail.

“NBC took everything from me.  I blame them for my son’s death” said his still grieving father.