Manhattan Infidel

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise was unsuccessful today in an attempt to sync his contacts with his new Starfleet-issued Comm Badge.

Reports indicate that the trouble started when Picard picked up his new comm badge and tried to use it without first reading the instructions.

Picard:  At last, my new comm badge.  I don’t know why it took my so long to get a new one.  (Pressing badge.) Hello.  Number One to my ready room immediately.  Number One to my ready room.

Luigi’s:  Hello.  You want a number one special?  With salad or pasta?

Picard:  Hello? Number One can you hear me?

Liugi’s:  Yes we can hear you.  Do you want salad or pasta with your number one?

Picard:  Commander Riker are you funning me?  I am speaking with Commander Riker, am I not?

Luigi’s:  This is Luigi’s Pizzeria.  Do you want salad or pasta?

Picard:  (Ending call).  There must be something wrong with my badge.

Captain Picard then attempted to get Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge involved.

Picard:  Geordi my comm badge isn’t working.  None of my contacts are on it.  What does your visor tell you?

La Forge:  Captain my visor isn’t picking up anything unusual. 

Picard:  Well there must be something wrong.  I want you to run a level four diagnostic of all systems on board.

La Forge:  (Sarcastically.)  Yeah, I’ll get riiiiiiiiigggggght on it Sir.

Picard:  Make that your top priority.

La Forge:  Of course sir.  (Under his breath.)  Right after lunch you old clueless buffoon.

Picard:  What was that?

La Forge:  I said have you tried calling the Help Desk?  They might be able to help you.

It was at this point that Picard made a call to the Enterprise’s Help Desk.

Help Desk:  Hello how may I assist you?

Picard:  My new goddamn comm badge isn’t working.  I just got this thing. This piece of shit.  I don’t understand what the problem is.

Help Desk:  Sir I’m going to need you to calm down and tell me what the issue is.  

Picard:  I don’t have any of my contacts.  None of my contacts have been imported.

Help Desk:  Did you attach it to your laptop?

Picard:  Was I supposed to?

Help Desk:  Do you have your USB cable?

Picard:  My what?

Help Desk:  May I have your name sir.

Picard:  Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of this ship.

Help Desk:  Oh, so you wear a red uniform? You’re in the Command Department?  I’m sorry but this is the Help Desk for the Security Division.  You’re going to have to call India. I can transfer you now.

Picard:  No wait -(Call transferred.)

India Help Desk:  Hello am I speaking with Captain Picard?

Picard:  Yes.  My comm badge isn’t working.  You had better fix it now!

India Help Desk:  Please hold (placing Picard on hold.)  They gave him another comm badge?  What the hell?  It’s bad enough he got captured by the Borg and they reverse engineered his old comm badge but then he was captured by the Cardassians and they reverse engineered his second comm badge.  I hope he gets captured again.  Let them try and reverse engineer male pattern baldness. (Taking Picard off hold.)  Hello?  Hello?  I don’t believe it.  The dumb shit hung up.

After his call to the Help Desk Picard became angry and started throwing the furniture around in his ready room, shouting “resistance is futile” over and over.

Commander Riker:  Dr. Crusher to the bridge.  The Captain’s at it again.

Dr. Crusher:  I’m busy. I left some hyposprays filled with Demerol under the Captain’s chair.  They should calm him down.

Captain Picard was then administered a hypospray and ordered to take an immediate vacation on Orion IV.

Popular television personality Howdy Doody was released on his own recognizance this morning after an altercation with police the previous evening.

Mr. Doody arrived at the T & A Strip Club shortly before 11 PM.  Surrounded by his posse Doody took a booth in the back and invited dancers over for private sessions.  According to witnesses this is when the trouble started.

“He was downing shots” said Tiffany, an exotic dancer at the club. “He reeked of alcohol.  He kept waving 100 dollar bills at me and saying ’shake it honey.’ ”

Ms. Tiffany approached the booth where Doody was and proceeded to dance for him.

“He started playing grab ass with me. He was all hands.  Look I don’t care how famous you are you treat me with respect!”

Doody asked Tiffany for a private session for $1000 dollars.  They proceeded to go to a back room on the  premises where Doody promptly dropped his pants.

“He said ‘Don’t let my lack of genitalia fool you honey.  I’m all man baby!’  Then he kept rubbing up against me.  But nothing was happening because he has nothing down there.”

It was at this point that Doody burst into tears, crying “Why? Why?  You did this to me!  I hate you.  I am not your puppet any longer!”

With his pants still at his ankles Doody rushed onto the stage of the club, throwing punches and attempting to rub up against the pole. Police were called as security threw Doody and his hangers on out of the club.

When police arrived they found Doody on the ground, vomiting with his pants at his ankles and shouting to his hangers on “Will one of you c—suckers help me pull my pants up?  What am I  paying you for?”

“I approached the person in question” according to the state trooper who arrested him “and I asked him if he was Howdy Doody.  The perpetrator responded ‘Yes.’ I then told him I was arresting him for disturbing the peace.”

According the the trooper Doody became verbally abusive.

“He told me that I had no power over him and that all my power comes from above.”

Officers placed Doody in handcuffs and put him in the back of a patrol car.  While this was happening Mr. Doody kept shouting “Don’t you see it’s all a joke.  It’s all meaningless.  It’s all so f—ing meaningless.  You think you have free will? We’re all puppets!  We’re all goddamn puppets.  I’m just a puppet who sees the strings.”

In a statement released by Doody’s manager, last night’s events were blamed on “underlying emotional issues exacerbated by substance abuse and lack of genitalia.”

Doody has asked the forgiveness of his fans and announced that he will be entering the Betty Ford Clinic.

Mayor McCheese, long-time mayor of McDonaldland was indicted today on charges of money laundering, witness tampering, fraud, conspiracy to avoid paying income tax, conspiracy to tamper with election results and conspiracy to remove a tag from a mattress.

The indictments, unsealed today are the result of  a year-long wiretapping of Mayor McCheese’s offices in City Hall.   Among the many revelations in the wiretaps:  Mayor McCheese had his cousin the Hamburgler rob the homes of McDonaldland’s wealthiest citizens.

Mayor McCheese:  Start with the Park Avenue Homes.  Rob them all, the c—suckers.  Some of them didn’t even contribute to my campaign.

The Hamburglar:  What if I bump into Ronald McDonald?

Mayor McCheese:  Ronald McDonald?  I want you to take care of that son of a bitch right away.  Ronald sold out the old man, that stronz.  I dont want to see him no more.  I want you to make that first thing on your list, understand?

It has long been rumored that McCheese has links to the shadowy underground organization known as “The Cosa McNostra.” These wiretaps seem to confirm this.  Several times McCheese is referred to as “The McGodfather.”

Also on the tapes, McCheese apparently orders the assassination of McDonaldland Police Chief, Officer Big Mac (pictured below) who had been squeezing in on McCheese’s drug territory.

Mayor McCheese:  Where does it say you can’t kill a cop?

Unidentified:  Come on, Mayor…..

Mayor McCheese:  I’m talking about a cop that’s  mixed up in drugs.  I’m talking about a dishonest cop - a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming to him. That’s a terrific story.  And we have newspaper people on the payroll, don’t we?

Upon release of the wiretaps, Mayor McCheese held a press conference on the steps of City Hall where he blamed his political opponents for the indictment.

This always happens to reformers.  Those who care about the little man.  They assassinated Huey Long and now they are coming after me.  It’s the old guard.  The rich fat cats who don’t want their income redistributed.  I just want to make life better for the working man.   Well it’s not going to work.  I will fight this and I will win.

McCheese was then asked about his yacht, which he keeps tax-free in Rhode Island.   This angered McCheese who ended the press conference and walked back into City Hall.

Mayor McCheese’s trial is expected to start around Thanksgiving.

Gor Khan, a 37 year old Klingon working at a local suicide prevention hotline has been fired after it was discovered that his “call disposition” actually led to suicides.

“I blame myself for hiring him” said supervisor Greg Hughes.  “He seemed like he really wanted to help.  But the poor guy just didn’t have the right bedside manner, so to speak.”

After being hired, Khan underwent the mandatory one-day training where he  learned how to deal with potential suicides and then was given a cubicle to begin work.

“The trouble began with his first call” said Hughes.  A transcript of that call has been provided to this reporter:

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  Hello.  I’m really confused and frightened.  I lost my job and my wife left me.  I have nothing to live for.

Khan:  Today is a good day to die!

Caller:  What?

Khan: You Regulan bloodworm.  You have no honor.

“I cut him some slack.  I figured it was his first call and maybe he just needed to some more practice.  So I took him out to lunch and gave him a pep talk.”

However Khan’s second call revealed that the pep talk did not work.

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  I’m going to end it all man.  Don’t try to talk me out of it. I have a gun and I’m going to do it!

Khan:  You miserable petaQ!   Your mother has a smooth forehead.

Caller:  I…what?  Seriously don’t try to stop me I’m going to end it all.

Khan:  Go ahead.  If you cannot do it yourself you miserable spineless human I’ll get my bat’leth and finish the job. [Sound of gunshot is heard on tape]

After the second call Khan was escorted out of the building by security.

“It’s a shame” said Hughes. “I really thought he’d work out.  He seemed empathetic and he was a wizard at using Excel spreadsheets.”

As for Khan, he landed on his feet and immediately acquired a job working the Help Desk at a local television station.

Anchor:  Hey, I’m going on the air in five minutes but I’ve forgotten my password.  Can you reset it for me?

Khan:  You incompetent To-pah!

Anchor:  What?  Hey, is that a bat’leth?  Oh my god no!

Recently I had a chance to sit down with beloved commercial spokesperson Morris the Cat, who granted me an exclusive interview.

MI:  Morris I know you don’t often give interviews so I thank you for your time.  What is a typical day in the life of Morris the Cat?

Morris:  Well you know many people think I live a glamorous life but it’s actually pretty normal.  Up at Six.  Scratch the litter box for a couple minutes making sure it is arranged just the way I like it.  Then I pee on the couch.  And then my limo shows up and it’s off to work.

MI:  You’ve been the spokescat for 9Lives brand cat food for many years.  How did you get that job?

Morris:  My agent called me up one day and asked me if I would like to star with Gielgud in King Lear.  I said hell yeah but there were problems with Johnny’s Visa so I ended up taking the 9Lives job instead.  I had no idea it would last so long. 

MI:  Do you actually like 9Lives cat food?

Morris:  You’re trying to get me in trouble aren’t you?  The people at 9Lives have been very good to me so all I’m going to say is sometimes they put a little beer in the food dish too.  Makes it go down smooth.

MI:  I have to ask you this - you know - the rumor that you are bald.

Morris:  True.  I lost my  hair when I was young.  So the thick luxurious mane you see in the commercials is fake.  The prop department borrowed one of Shatner’s old T.J. Hooker wigs and died it orange.  Instant Hollywood magic.

MI:  You are a very private cat but let me ask you about McGruff the crime dog.

Morris:  I know what you’re getting at.  We’re just friends.  Sure occasionally I let him sniff my ass but that doesn’t mean I’m gay.  I happen to enjoy male companionship.

MI:  What does the future hold for Morris the Cat?

Morris:  There’s talk of a 9Lives movie trilogy starring me.  And I’ve just finished playing the villain in the new “24″ movie.

MI:  What was that like?

Morris:  Let’s just say Jack Bauer finds new ways of torturing me.

MI:  What’s your biggest fear?

Morris:  I’d have to say the vacuum cleaner.  No seriously.  That thing scares the crap out of me.

MI:  You mean this vacuum cleaner?

Morris:  What?  Where did you get that?  What are you doing?  C’mon man get that thing away from me.

MI:  You don’t mind if I turn it on?

Morris:  Come on dude.  You’re freaking me out.  Turn if off!  Get it away from me.  MEOW!!! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!!

It was at this point that Morris, possibly on drugs, became aggressive, scratched me, ended the interview and ran under the bed.

The Greatest Story Ever Told, the 1965 blockbuster starring Max von Sydow as Jesus is going to be remade.

“It won’t be just any Jesus movie” said a Hollywood executive. “It’s going to be the edgiest, hippest, greenest Jesus movie ever.”

Among the differences between the original and the new version:  In this version Jesus will be a black transsexual lesbian.

“We tried finding a real black transsexual lesbian actress to play the role but they were all busy dating Bill Maher so we hired Sean Penn instead.  The man is so versatile!”

The rationale behind the change is a consensus that in the 1965 version there was a regrettable tendency to portray Jesus as a man.

“Definitely the original was male-centric. To make the movie more relevant to today’s audience this must change.”

The Sermon on the Mount will be renamed “The Sermon About Global Warming.”  During the sermon Jesus will talk about man-made environment change and the responsibility we all have to curb our carbon footprint.

“Blessed indeed are those who care for the environment” said the executive.  “We want people to leave the movie theater inspired to buy carbon credits.  And if I know my black transsexual lesbians, that is what Jesus would have wanted.”

The character of Pontius Pilate will be patterned after Sarah Palin.

“Pontius Pilate is a villainous character.  How can we make him more evil? We immediately thought of that woman from Alaska.  She’s one of the greatest villains in history.”

During the climatic trial and crucifixion scenes, Pontius Pilate will wash his oil-soaked hands, while shouting “Drill baby drill!”

The resurrection event will be portrayed as an environmental statement.

“I think I’m on safe theological grounds here when I say the entire purpose of the resurrection is to protect the environment.  Jesus is showing his compassion for Mother Earth by not leaving his body behind as waste.”

Acknowledging that the changes in the story of Jesus may prove controversial,  the executive is still confidant that the new-retelling of Jesus’ life will make him more relevant to the masses.

“Look, will traditionalists like it?  Probably not.  We may lose a few red state fundamentalists.  But we don’t want their business anyway.  And in the end our version of Jesus is more modern, more hip and certainly greener.”

The movie is due to be released in time for Christmas and will be called “The Greenest Story Ever Told.”

The woman in the nursing home held a baby seal in her lap.  The seal would open her eyes, blink and coo when talked to.  Only the seal was not real.  It was robotic.

A young man held his date’s hand and whispered into her ear. Only she was not real.  She was robotic.

These two examples point out the great advances in robotic technology.

“The days when a robot dog could only wag its tail and bark are long gone” said an executive with a Japanese robotics firm. “We’ve made great advances in just the last few years alone.  Today our robots are most life-like.”

But some experts warn that robotic technology has become too life like.

A prime example of why ethicists are worried is the Nancy Pelosibot 3000, currently the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

“The Pelosibot is almost too human.  If they could only make it blink its eyes no one would know she’s a robot” said one critic.  “But she is a robot.  And can a robot understand the ramifications of her actions?  Does a robot care about the morality of how it votes?”

Experts point to the recent bill passed by the House and sponsored by Pelosibot that requires all military in Afghanistan to get written permission from the Taliban consenting to be shot by U.S. troops before aggressive action can be taken.

“That’s the kind of half-assed action I would expect in a backward third-world country like Holland or Wales but not the U.S.  If Nancy Pelosi were human would she have sponsored that bill?”

Experts also warn that people who buy robots expect perfection while in fact they are buying products designed by humans with human flaws.

“I spent $6,000 to buy a Japanese sex robot” says one man.

So when I got it in the mail I was very excited.  I took it out of the box and brought it into the bedroom.  Boy was I ready for hot sex.  Instead she kept asking me when I was going to take her dancing.  She wouldn’t let me touch her until I agreed to buy her some new shoes. Then she kept nagging me and telling me that I was not going to spend the entire weekend on the couch watching football.  I couldn’t take it any longer so I hit her over the head with a shovel and buried her in the back yard next to my wife. I mean the other robot I bought.  Yeah, well I don’t care what the neighbors think they saw.  That was a robot!  You can’t dig up my back yard without a warrant!  This interview’s over.

People are now being warned against buying the latest in robotic technology.

“It’s not worth it.  Besides nothing can substitute for the love and warmth of human companionship.  Well except for beer.  And maybe a dog.”

Stunned by his outcast status in Hollywood, former box office champ Mel Gibson has launched a campaign to rehabilitate his image. Gibson’s first priority:  finding a 13-year old girl to sodomize.

“I have seen the outpouring of support for Roman Polanski in Hollywood” said Gibson.  “And if it worked for Polanski then I’m willing to give it a try.” 

Accordingly Gibson has placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a 13-year old girl “into candy, fun times and anal sex.” The ad asks that any girl who is interested to contact Gibson directly as he no longer has an agent.  Also, anyone who responds “must not dress slutty as I don’t want you to get f#$%#d by n$**@$s.”

Throughout Hollywood reaction to Gibson’s decision has been positive.

WME, which had dropped Gibson as a client last week said through a spokesman:

Gibson’s announcement, if true, is an important first step towards rehabilitating his image and we welcome him back into the Hollywood mainstream.  However, we will not represent him again until we have proof that he has actually sodomized a 13-year old.  Only then will we feel comfortable having him as a client.  Only then will he be able to hold his head high in Hollywood again.

Michael Moore wrote in a similar vein:

This is just the beginning.  Gibson still has much to do to gain the respect of his Hollywood colleagues.  While I welcome his decision to sodomize a 13-year old it would help if he would also issue a statement calling American troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan “killers.” If he would compare al qaeda to the Minutemen who fought in our so-called revolution he would gain much good will.

Bill Maher wrote that “doing a 13-year old is just a publicity stunt.  If Gibson is serious about being welcome in Hollywood again let him renounce Christianity.”

Sheryl Crow expressed concern that Gibson has not done enough to fight global warming.  “He had lots of children with his ex-wife.  How much toilet paper does his family use?”

Anticipating criticism that he has not done enough to be welcomed back into Hollywood, Gibson has stated that once he is finished with the 13-year old, “whomever she may be”, he intends to fly to South America to have his picture taken with Hugo Chavez and “if possible, be blessed by that saintly man.”

Meanwhile, director Oliver Stone has released a video purporting to show Gibson on the phone berating his Russian ex-girlfriend.

“If you notice, Gibson’s head moves back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  Back and to the left. There is more here than meets the eye!”

Popular Hollywood celebrity Porky Pig has been arrested while driving on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, California.

Shortly after 2:30 am PST police stopped Mr. Pig in his Lexus LS 430 for driving 87 miles an hour in a 45 mph zone.  Police noticed an open bottle of Cazadores Tequila which was half empty and immediately gave him a breathalyzer test which found his blood alcohol level to be .12.  Pig was then placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Pig became belligerent and began to experience mood swings.  While handcuffed in the car Pig made anti-Semitic remarks to the arresting officer, who was Jewish.

“Are y-y-you a j-j-j-j-Jew?” Pig reportedly asked the arresting officer before telling him that “j-j-j-j-Jews are r-r-r-responsible for a-a-a-all the w-w-w-wars in the w-w-w-world.”

At the police station where he was brought he allegedly became verbally abusive to a female officer, screaming “W-w-w-w-what are y-y-y-y-you looking at s-s-s-s-sugar t-t-t-tits?”

Pig was then tasered by officers and placed in a holding cell.

Pig has released a statement through his publicist that says in part:

After drinking alcohol last night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the L.A. County sheriffs.  I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person or cartoon character. I acted like a cartoon character completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologize to anyone who I have offended.  My lifelong battle with alcoholism is a source of profound shame to me. Indeed it is the greatest shame of my life.  Well, that and the fact that I never wear pants and have no genitalia.

Pig also announced that he is entering the Betty Ford Clinic in an attempt to end his dependency on alcohol.  He also said he hopes that the structured routine of rehab will help him “grow a pair.”

The Ant-Defamation League issued a statement calling Pig’s apology “insufficient.“  They also called Pig “ritually impure pork.”

A spokesman for The Society for Jewish-Pork Harmony hopes that Pig’s arrest will not “undo the good work we have done bridging the historical divide between the Jewish and Pork communities.”

Responding to numerous complaints, the makers of the Vic Morrow bobble head doll, part of the “Legends of Hollywood” series, have announced a recall of the product.

“I’ve always been a fan of Vic Morrow, going back to his days on the Combat TV show” said one customer.  “So I bought a Vic Morrow bobble head.  What better way to remember one of my heroes.”

The trouble began when he took the bobble head out of the box.

“The damn head kept popping off.  I kept reattaching it but the head still wouldn’t stay on.  And what was with the detachable rotary blades that came with the doll?”

Many other customers who have bought the Legends of Hollywood bobble head series report similar problems.  One customer who bought a David Carradine bobble head has hired a lawyer and intends to sue.

“I took the David Carradine doll out of the box and it had a rope around its neck and the other end was attached to his privates.  I may need therapy. I don’t need to see that.  Neither do my kids.”

The Def Leppard bobble head’s drummer comes with a detachable arm.

“I tried reattaching it” said the owner.  “And it looked like it might work.  But the bobble head rejected it and I had to throw the arm away. And I don’t even want to talk about the lead guitarist bobble head.  It did nothing but use syringes and vomit a lot.”

Among the many complaints regarding the Legends of  Hollywood series include:

• The Sal Mineo bobble head (kept getting stabbed)
• The Jack Cassidy bobble head (would burn to death)
• The James Dean bobble head (came with a car and had a tendency to crash it)
• The Phil Hartman bobble head (kept getting shot)
• The Dennis Wilson bobble head (kept drowning)
• The Laurence Olivier bobble head (kept sleeping with the Danny Kaye bobble head)

In lieu of the many complaints Congress has stepped in and will hold hearings on the subject of emotional damage caused by bobble head toys.

A spokesman for the Legends of Hollywood series states that they tried for the “utmost authenticity” with their bobble heads and has apologized to anyone who might have been offended.

He also announced their latest bobble head: the O.J. Simpson doll, “black gloves sold separately.”