Manhattan Infidel

Beatle John Lennon and his mistress, Japanese-born avant-garde artist Yoko Ono, today went to Coventry Cathredral to plant acorns for peace.  Lennon, dressed in a white suit,  grabbed a shovel and dug a hole to place the acorns in.

“World peace is very important to me” said Lennon as he continued to dig.  “World Peace.  Love is all you need.”

After digging for awhile Lennon put the shovel down and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“I’m not used to manual labor.  This is the kind of thing I usually have Ringo do for me but he’s back at my place replacing my septic tank.”

He and Yoko then placed the acorns in the ground.  “This is for peace.  The biggest threat to world peace today is the United States military.  That and squirrels.”

“It is true” added Yoko.  “John and I are concerned that these acorns for peace will be dug up by squirrels and eaten.  That is why after Ringo is finished with John’s septic tank he will camp out here to protect them from the United States military and any squirrels that come along.”

“I love world peace and hate squirrels” said Lennon.  “I’m writing a song now called ‘Happiness is a Warm Gun to Kill Squirrels.’ “

After the acorn-planting ceremony John and Yoko posed for photographs before being driven back to their mansion.  Meanwhile, not far away several squirrels from the Squirrel Liberation Front watched the ceremony and plotted their revenge.

“Why’s Lennon got a bug up his ass about us?” asked one. “A squirrel’s got to eat.”

“Is it what I’m wearing?” wondered another before proudly displaying his “Pete Forever - Ringo Never” T-shirt.

“This just proves the Marxist Dialectic. Don’t worry.  We’ll get those damn acorns” said their leader who goes by the name of Che-Squirrel.  “I know for a fact that Ringo won’t be here to guard them.  He’s going to have an accident.”

Later that night the unattended acorns were in fact stolen.

Arriving back at their mansion after the planting, John and Yoko discovered Ringo on the ground, pinned beneath the septic tank he was attempting to install.  Covered in foul smelling waste Ringo was only able to say, “I think it was a squirrel who did this” and “I’m just happy to be in the band” before losing consciousness.

General Earle Wheeler, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the U.S. military denied responsibility for the theft of the acorns.

“Frankly we have bigger fish to fry.  We’re going after Herman’s Hermits.”

A letter from the Squirrel Liberation Front was delivered to Scotland Yard stating that “The acorns of the world are the communal property of the proletariat.  Bourgeoisie beware.”

Tiger Woods today met the press for the first time since the scandal broke involving his mistresses.  But before he spoke to everyone I was privileged to have a private sit down with the embattled golfer.

MI:  Tiger, I appreciate you talking with me.

TW:  Thank you.  My people have been telling me for weeks now that I needed to talk to the press and I figured what better place to start than with the Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Well I’m flattered you chose me.  Why did you choose me by the way?

TW:  When I was in sex rehab all my fellow rehabbers kept raving about your site.  It’s very popular in sex addiction circles.

MI:  Umm, okay.  I don’t really know what to make of that.   Let’s talk about your stint in sex rehab.  How did that go?  What was a typical day in sex rehab for Tiger Woods?

TW:  We would awaken at 6 AM every morning and take very cold showers.  Then we’d spend a few hours watching old Army instructional films about venereal disease.  Then at 11 came the worst part.  We were forced to watch The View.  I tell you after an hour of Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg my ball sack would retreat into my chest cavity.

MI:  That sounds almost like cruel and unusual punishment.  Your world came crashing down when the sex scandal broke.  Any thoughts on that?

TW:  To tell you the truth it was all part of my long-term strategy.  You see I am not young anymore and I don’t know how many good years of golf I have left.  I want to plant the seeds for my post-golf career.  The sex scandal is part of this.  I was hoping for a while now that the scandal would break.

MI:  I’m not sure I understand.  You were hoping for a sex scandal?

TW:  Yes.  You see.  I want to break into politics.  I want to run for Governor.  And what says Governor more than a sex scandal.

MI:  That makes sense.

TW:  It was all a matter of finding the proper sex scandal for me.  I couldn’t do what Mark Sanford did.  I’m not into South American women.  Especially the ones with penises.  I’m not gay so that ruled out the McGreevey route.  So I decided to do the New York-Spitzer prostitute black socks thing.

MI:  Have you had any feedback from any States?

TW:  Oh sure.  About 15 have contacted me about running for Governor.

MI:  So it worked out after all.  A happy ending?

TW:  Happy ending all around.

MI:  What about your wife?  Tell me about her.

TW:  She has no penis.  Definitely 100% penis-free.

MI:  I meant she originally didn’t seem to be behind you.

TW:  No at first not.  But she realizes now that it was all for my career.  She’s going to be a good political wife.  If I ever have a sex scandal in the future she promises to stand right next to me at the press conference announcing my resignation.

MI:   I want to thank you for talking to me.  Any else you’d like to let your fans know before we close?

TW:  My wife has no penis.

MI:  You already mentioned that.  Anything else?

TW:  Phil Mickelson has a penis.

MI:  Goodbye.

TW:  Black socks.  Black socks and diapers.  Remember that.

MI:  I’m out of here.

The 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada have, for the most part, gone on without a hitch.  However, a new and troubling element is invading the Olympics.  Organizers have found themselves struggling to deal with a rash of Curling-related violence attributable to roving gangs of “Curling Hooligans.”

A family from Texas tells of the verbal abuse they had to suffer.

“I brought my wife and children to see the curling competition.  Everything was fine until these kids sat down behind us.  They were rough.  They were smoking and using foul language and they had tattoos that said ‘Curlers for Satan’ and ‘Death to noncurlers’ “ said the husband.  “The next thing I know a fight breaks out and someone gets stabbed.  My youngest son was so scared he thought he was at the VMAs.”

The entire world was shocked when the Chinese curling team was attacked on the ice by thugs in leather jackets brandishing chains who kept shouting “this is for the Na’vi” as they beat up the athletes. IOC President Jacques Rogge pleaded with the hooligans to stop.  Afterwards he told reporters that he was dismayed.  “I expect this level of violence at strip clubs packed with Pro Football players but not at the Olympics.”

Olympic organizers had to postpone further curling matches until the blood was mopped up.

The unprecedented level of violence in Curling perhaps has its roots in the early days of the game: Curling was invented in Scotland in the 16th Century as a way of beating up the English.

“It’s true” according to Roger Fergusson, proprietor of the Curling Museum in Dunblane,  Scotland.  “Back in those days entire towns were looking for ways to beat up the English.  We’d tell the Limeys to meet us at the pond for a traditional Scottish ritual.  Then we’d all take turns beating them up with sticks. Eventually the English found out what we were doing and we were forced to substitute rocks for the British.”

Psychiatrists blame the recent onslaught of Curling violence on a nihilistic world view.

“Let’s face it.  Curling brings out the worst in humanity.  These Curling hooligans have no values.  Nothing to believe in.  No hope.  Nothing to look forward to except more crotch photos of Lindsay Lohan” said one psychiatrist.

The IOC has threatened to remove Curling as an Olympic sport if the violence continues.

“We’ll just have to replace it with a sport people want to see, like pole dancing or watching David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger when he’s drunk” said Rogge.

In the meantime security has been stepped up at the Olympics.  Guards have been issued tasers with strict orders to use them on hooligans and David Hasselhoff, “if he dares show his face.”

The Taliban’s second in command, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar has been captured.  Baradar, Mullar Omar’s military leader was seized in the tribal region of Pakistan while sitting in a McDonalds eating a bacon cheeseburger.  Baradar’s capture is the biggest prize of the war so far.

“Our intelligence was looking for ways to capture him and we figured what does a backward, militant Muslim who wants to turn back the clock to the 8th Century want most?  Then it hit us - McDonalds!” said a CIA operative involved in the operation.

After his capture Baradar was taken to a top secret CIA prison (the one in Karachi located at 15 Top Secret CIA Prison Drive.)  Baradar refused to talk until he was given access to a television so he could keep up with Lost.

“He’s a big Lost fanatic.  When we seized him he kept asking about John Locke - was he really dead - and about Claire - what virus has consumed her?” said an agent.  “Since we gave him that TV he has given us a treasure load of valuable information like the strength and  location of the Taliban military, the whereabouts of Osama Bin Ladin, Barry Bond’s steroid supplier, you  name it.”

News of the capture of Baradar has created a firestorm of protest in Hollywood.  Rallies were held throughout the City.

Danny Glover addressed one rally.

“The U.S. Government, the CIA and our military are engaging in systematic genocide against the peoples of Afghanistan and Pakistan.  The Taliban are not our enemy.  Our enemy is here.  Our enemies are Red State teabaggers who want to halt America’s march toward socialism.  All the Taliban want to do is redistribute the income.  I myself will not have my income redistributed since if it was I wouldn’t have the money to fly around the world talking about the merits of socialism.”

Whoopie Goldberg told the same rally that “what Mullah Baradar did with his goat was not rape-rape.”

During the Oscar ceremonies this year organizers are planning a “Free Mullah Baradar and Roman Polanski” moment of silence.

Meanwhile back in Afghanistan rumors continue to swirl that the United States has reached a deal with the Taliban that would end hostilities.  In return for the Taliban’s return to peaceful pursuits the U.S. will invest heavily in the infrastructure of that country.

As one Taliban leader said, “All we want is to live a pure Muslim life according to the Prophet, like they did in the 8th Century.  We can’t do that if our cell phones keep losing coverage and our blackberries cannot be synched with our email accounts because of our crappy Windows Vista laptops.  We would also  like the Executive Producers of Lost to come to Afghanistan and explain what exactly is going on! Virgins, text messages and Lost.  It’s what Islam is all about.”

Mullah Omar remains at large, though the most recent intelligence suggests he is hiding out in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey as the lead singer of a local Journey cover band.

Fresh off the heels of the introduction of the iPad, (it’s just like an iPod but bigger) Steve Jobs and Apple have announced their most ambitious device ever - the iEarth.

“It’s like an iPad, but it’s much much bigger” said Jobs at the press conference introducing the iEarth.

Starting on March 1st, the entire Earth will be flattened into one gigantic tablet and all people will be retrofitted with USB devices into their brains which will allow them to access their iTunes from anywhere on the planet.

“This is the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity, or as I like to call it, Apple-ity.  Just think of it.  No more war.   No more poverty.  No more scratching out a meaningless existence searching for food or sex.  From now on your only worry will be downloading your favorite songs from the iEarth directly to your brain.“

Jobs then described how he got the idea for the iEarth.

“I was at a conference and I noticed that some people were using Windows-based computers.  My adult life, if it has been about anything, has been about the desire to dominate the entire world.  Windows computers stand in the way of this.  So I had my best technicians device the iEarth.  And I had Bill Gates encased in cement.”

While many Apple lovers are enthusiastic about the new iEarth there has been some grumbling.  The new iEarth will not come with the full Snow Leopard operating system.  While the USB implants into people’s brains are mandatory, users must also subscribe to iTunes in order to use the new iEarth.  And perhaps most troubling for some users is the fact that there will still be no support for Java.

The mention of these criticisms seemed to sting  Jobs, who pulled his USB implant out of his head and said, “You humans vex me.  How long must I put up with you?”

All humans have three weeks to report to iEarth processing centers, where they will be flattened and fitted with implants while listening to the critically-acclaimed music of Feist.  Those asking about Java support will be executed.

“I believe that most humans will adjust to their new lives in the iEarth” said Jobs.  “And when that happens I can start on my next project, the iMilky Way.”

Supergroup Al Queda in Yemen is branching out.  It has been announced that a development deal has been signed with Al Queda in Yemen leaders that will give the brand name extensive new face time in America.

“Prime time baby.   That’s what it’s all about” said a television executive for the CW network.  “Our research showed that kids were ripe for an exotic adventure series.  Al Queda in Yemen had everything we were looking for.  Adventure.  Exotic locales.  Big guns.  Men with beards.  MILFs”

Under the terms of the deal announced today, Al Queda in Yemen will lend their name to a new series set in Miami called Al Queda: Miami.

“The show will revolve around  a couple of jihadists who also use their scientific bomb-making skills to solve crimes.  Or, the show will revolve around a couple of scientific crime solvers who happen to be jihadists.  We haven’t decided yet.   But they definitely will not be jihadists who happen to be vampires.  The vampire craze is so 2009.”

Originally it was planned to have the underwear bomber himself,  Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab star in the series.

“Why not? He’s young. He’s sexy and he’s black. Unfortunately he burned his balls off and we discovered that our focus group of coeds found charred testicles fused with pieces of underwear about as appealing as date night with Charlie Sheen.”

So instead Kanye West has been inked to play the lead jihadist/crime solver or crime solver/jihadist.  Jim Belushi will play the second in command and comic relief while, in a bit of irony, Taylor Swift will play the sexy, independent, feminist jihadist/crime solver or sexy, independent, feminist crime solver/jihadist.

If Al Queda: Miama debuts to strong ratings, plans are afoot to expand the franchise.  Al Queda: New York, Al Queda: L.A. and Al Queda: Mt. Holly, New Jersey are among potential shows.

As for the theme music, do not expect to hear The Who.

“While we respect The Who and their place in Rock and Roll, they are old.  So we are negotiating with Lady Gaga to see if maybe she can write an original song for the theme.  If we can’t get Lady Gaga maybe Milli Vanilli.  Or just Vanilli.  Whichever one is still alive.”

Al Queda: Miami will debut next fall as part of CW’s  crime solver/jihadist and vampire  or jihadist/crime solver and vampire lineup.

Good Morning.  I am very grateful to the Manhattan Infidel for giving me the opportunity to do something good in the face of a very bad situation the white man’s brutal racism and I, but mainly I, have created.

I  have done a number of things wrong recently.  I have violated D.C. gun laws (and who knew Washington D.C. had gun laws?  I mean, really?)  I have violated the NBA’s ban on firearms on league property (and who knew the NBA had a ban on firearms?  I mean, really?  C’mon.)  I reacted badly to the aftermath and I think I shot my housekeeper in a fit of rage.  Wait, that wasn’t my housekeeper it was a homeless man.  (Sometimes after a hard loss I shoot homeless people to relieve the pressure I’m under.  But I digress.)  I gave that chubby pasty-faced white boy who is league commissioner good reason to suspend me, putting my teammates in a bad position since we suck even when I’m in the lineup.  Granted we’re not the Nets but we are in danger of being the Knicks.

I understand the importance of teaching nonviolence to kids in today’s world.  Guns are not the answer.  Even if your peeps get into a showdown with a rival gang, guns are still not the answer.  Besides, you can always borrow a knife from one of your Puerto Rican friends.  They are harder to trace and make less noise.  Sure you have to get closer to the person you’re trying to off, but they’ll fear you in the future.

I am trying hard to right my wrongs.  The one that will be hardest to make right is the effect my actions had on kids who see NBA players as role models (and who knew kids see NBA players as role  models.  I mean really?  C’mon?)

While I regret this incident, letting the kids down is my biggest regret.  I love the time I spend with the kids here in the district and all the life lessons I can impart to them such as when caught in stray gunfire duck and cover, and never hold your glock sideways or it’ll jam.

There have been few bright spots for me the past few weeks.  But one day I saw that young fans were still wearing my jersey.  That meant more to me than I can say. (Residuals residuals residuals!)

I value the relationship I have with the young fans and will work harder to earn their respect.  Starting tomorrow I will be teaching classes on life lessons here in the District.  Lesson number 1:  If the bitch doesn’t want to go back to your hotel room a hooker will.  Next week I will be teaching a class on proper methods for getting rid of the Clap.

Some people may not forgive me for what I’ve done.  But if I can help steer one kid away from violence and trouble from jammed glocks, then I’ll once again feel that I am living up to my responsibility I owe the kids of the District.

I’d like to once again thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to address my peeps.  Peace y’all.

Gilbert Arenas

MTV has announced that it is canceling their reality show “Predator and Virgin” starring Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf.  Though the network had hopes for the series and thought that it would strike a chord with their desired demographic, in the end the show’s format proved too controversial (each week the Predator, aka the Big Bad Wolf would scheme to find a way to take Little Red Riding Hood’s virginity) and drew protests from feminists, virgins, wolves and Law and Order creator Dick Wolf.

Dubbed “The role playing show with the hot red head” by MTV executives, the premiere episode featured crossdressing, lesbianism and a guest appearance by Tony Danza as “the strict teacher.”  The second episode revolved around crossdressing, anal sex and a guest appearance by Tony Danza as “the strict guy on top.”  Due to the volume of protests the show was canceled before the third episode could be aired, which reportedly featured crossdressing, bestiality and a guest appearance by Flavor Flav as Tony Danza.

Critics were united in condemnation. “Poorly thought out.  Poorly executed.  A poor use of Tony Danza’s talents”, “Makes Jersey Shore look like Shakespeare”, “Pussy Galore meets fetishism” and “The worst thing to happen to western civilization since Henry Wallace” were just a few names for the show.

In a statement released today, MTV Chief Operating Officer Rich Eigendorff said “Yeah, we goofed.  We were hoping the show would be edgy and hip.  I mean, it has Tony Danza for Christ’s sake.  How can a show with Tony Danza not be a hit?”

Instead the show just disgusted viewers.  Emergency rooms reported a rise in suicide attempts and projectile vomiting after watching the show.

To replace Predator and Virgin in their prime time  lineup MTV will be airing a new reality show called “Those crazy Hitlers.”  In this show men who like to dress as Hitler will live together in a house with a rabbi and Tony Danza.

“It’s the first thing I learned in TV executive school.  Give them sex.  Give them controversy.  And most importantly, give them Tony Danza!” said Eigendorff.

Mickey Dolenz today was named “The most influential, most important and most cool” person of all time.  Dolenz beat out such luminaries as Ed Wood Jr., Pinky Tuscadero, fellow band member Davy Jones, Dick Van Patten, Ron Blomberg and Neville Chamberlain.

“While we feel that all finalists were worthy, particulary Pinky Tuscadero for her platonic relationship with the possibly homosexual Fonzie, Ron Blomberg for being the world’s first DH and that Chamberlain guy, we feel that Mickey Dolenz, with his drumming and signature vocals on Last Train to Clarksville has done more to be a force of good in this world than anyone else.”

Perhaps the most important reason for Dolenz’ winning the award was his role in ending the Vietnam War.  During the Paris peace talks Henry Kissinger  would often begin negotiations by quoting the Monkees.

“He would sit down with the North Vietnamese and he would tell them  that ‘This is the last train to Clarksville boys.  Are you going to meet me at the station?’  We took this to mean that he was questioning the North Vietnamese intentions and asking them if they were serious about peace” said an aide to Kissinger.

Lead negotiator for the Vietnamese, Xuan Thuy, wrote in his journal, “I was hoping to string the Americans along for more concessions but Kissinger is ruthless.  He keeps quoting Mickey Dolenz.  How can I not relent in the face of such tactics?”

On January 27th, 1973 as leaders signed the peace accord Thuy serenaded Kissinger with Last Train to Clarksville and said that he hoped “peace and Mickey Dolenz will now reign supreme among our distracted peoples.”

Mickey Dolenz role in bring peace to the world did not end with the Paris Accords.  During the first Gulf War Iraqi Leader Saddam Hussein was originally going to “fight the infidel to the death” but was convinced to accept a U.N. sponsored cease fire after he was told that he could remain in power and that “the Americans promised us that Mickey Dolenz would come to my birthday party.”

Even today Mickey Dolenz role in bringing about peace cannot be denied.  Suicide bombers in Afghanistan are often heard to shout “Allah Akbar and to hell with Mickey Dolenz” before blowing themselves up.

“This only goes to show how desperate the enemy is and how much they hate us, our values, peace and the Monkees” said a Pentagon Spokesman.

While the choice of Dolenz remains popular, there is dissent.  Mike Nesmith said that Dolenz “was just the damn drummer - he wasn’t important.”

Dolenz could not be reached for comment though Ringo Starr did say that “It’s about time we drummers got recognition.”

After weeks of confusion and ridicule, NBC has announced that it has finalized its late night and 10:00 P.M. time slots.  Starting after the Winter Olympics, Jack Paar will host the Tonight Show.  Paar, who hosted the Tonight Show from 1957-1962 expressed surprise and joy to be back at his old job.

“When NBC called me and said they want me to host the Tonight Show I was thrilled.  I loved hosting the show back in the ’50s and am looking forward to the opportunity to host it again.  I was also surprised since I’ve been dead since 2004″ said Paar.

In their statement announcing the change, NBC said that Paar being dead was not be an obstacle to his hosting the show.

“The fact that Paar is deceased didn’t factor into the equation. We’re comfortable with the dead.  Have you seen our prime time lineup?  ‘Nuff said.”

Paar said he cannot wait to get back to work and is looking forward to bringing “intelligent, adult banter” back to late night television and that, while the format is still being tinkered with, he will have a series of regulars on his show including Charlie Weaver, Hans Conried and Peggy Cass.

“Paar is hip, he’s edgy and takes chances.  America will be talking about him at work the next day after he unleashes a few water closet  jokes” said NBC.  “We couldn’t be prouder to have him back.  He was our first choice.  Well, after Johnny Carson of course.”

Jimmy Fallon will remain at his 12:35 slot since he appeals to the all important demographic of  people watching television at 1:00 in the morning on a weeknight - those without jobs or significant others who download porn while drinking beer and watching Late Night.

NBC’s second challenge was finding a replacement for Leno at 10:00.

“We here at NBC pride ourselves on keeping our finger on the pulse of middle America.  And we’ve decided that what middle America wants is Hugo Chavez.”

Accordingly NBC will be airing a reality show at 10:00 called “Fun Time with Hugo.”

Chavez will be placed in a house with guests such as Kathy Griffin, Survivor winner Richard Hatch, Kate Gosselin, Balloon Boy, Ted Williams’ head, Miss America 1962 Maria Fletcher and Levi Johnston.

“It’s going to be a wacky show with a wacky premise.  Hugo will have to compete with these people for prizes while at the same time fending off Kathy Griffin’s F-bombs and trying to nationalize his country’s oil wells.  We think the show will be a huge ratings success.”

As for Leno, he has been offered the role of neighbor Harry Bentley in the ScyFy channel’s reimage of the Jeffersons.