Manhattan Infidel

With the tenth anniversary of the man-caused troubles at Pearl Harbor Hawaii fast approaching the event, which should be a time for all Americans to volunteer for their favorite charity, has become marked by controversy.

At 8 AM on the morning of December 7th the reading of the names of all those who perished on that fateful day will be read.  A bell will be rung at the exact time the Arizona was hit.  Veterans of the Japanese Navy will also be present to help read the names.

“This is an important gesture” said the territorial governor, Oren E. Long.  “We want the ceremony to show the world the glory of peace.”

But as beautiful as the planned ceremony is, it has been marked by controversy.  Many are upset over Governor Long’s decision to ban all priests, ministers and rabbis from the ceremony.

“There wouldn’t be room for them anyway” said the governor.  “Besides, I want this event to be nonsectarian in character.”

Instead a Japanese Buddhist monk will ring a bell.

“This is an important symbol of reconciliation between the two peoples.  I support him being here.  And I support his temple .”

The temple that Governor Long speaks of will be built within eyesight of the sunken U.S.S. Arizona, a decision that has enraged veterans.

The veterans, “many it should be noted from red states” the governor added are also upset over the Long’s decision to ban the U.S. Navy from the ceremony.

“Having the Navy at the ceremony would send the wrong signal to the Japanese.  Japan, after all, is the Island of Peace.”

Governor Long then asked all Americans to look deep within themselves.

“Is this ceremony just going to be about our victory in war? An unjust war at that!  Because we all  know the war was fought for oil.  Instead on concentrating on war let’s concentrate on our feelings.  How did being attacked make us feel?  Did we cry?  I speak for many when I say it’s time men cried more and got in touch with their feelings.”

The ceremony will be open to the public.  However for the first time those wishing to attend must buy a ticket.

No matter what one’s politics may be (Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, anti-midget, pro-midget) it is generally conceded by all intelligent people that Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, intellect in the world.

Recently I was contacted by the Secret Service who informed me that President Obama was a regular reader of my blog and wanted to meet with me.  Naturally I jumped at the opportunity.  I was ushered into the Oval Office where the President was lying on a couch.

Secret Service:  Mr. President, Manhattan Infidel is here to see you.

President Obama:  Send him in.  And take these grapes away.  They bore me.  I disdain them.

The Secret Service agent in question gathered President Obama’s grapes and left us alone.

Manhattan Infidel:  Thank you for meeting with me Mr. President.

President Obama:  Manhattan Infidel, I read your blog every day.  Even though it, and by extension you, are small, paltry and beneath me, I do find your silly ramblings occasionally amusing.  It comforts me.

Manhattan Infidel:  Thank you Mr. President.  I think.  Anyway I’d like to ask you about a story in Gawker.com  that states that you are bored by your job and that in fact you might be clinically depressed.

President Obama:  It is beneath me, John

Manhattan Infidel:  My name’s not John.

President Obama:  The fact-truth of your name is irrelevant.  Yes, I do find this job boring.  A man like me, with my intellect doing things like attending meetings, solving problems? These are beneath me.  I should be in my study reading a book and not concerned with these trifling concerns.  Do you speak Latin, Larry?

Manhattan Infidel:  My name’s not Larry.  No I don’t speak Latin.  Do you Mr. President?

President Obama:  If Latin is on the teleprompter I read it.  But the point is I should know Latin.  All great intellects do.  But I don’t have the time to study because people expect me to solve things like unemployment and debt.  These issues are pedestrian.

Manhattan Infidel:  I guess that’s one way of looking at it. But still, you are the President.  It’s your job to do these things.

President Obama:  Job?  Job?  Jobs are beneath me.  I thought this was an honorary position and that I could spend all day reading, daydreaming, eating grapes and accepting visitors.

Manhattan Infidel:  No, that’s the Vice President’s job.

President Obama: Let me ask you this Blofeld - 

Manhattan Infidel:  My name’s not Blofeld.

President Obama:  Do many midgets read your blog?

Manhattan Infidel:  I….I don’t know.  There’s no way of checking the logs for midget activity.

President Obama:  I like midgets.  They bring comfort to me.

Manhattan Infidel:  Mr. President If I may, can I ask you about your jobs bill?

President Obama:  Silence Hugo Drax!

Manhattan Infidel:  My name’s not Hugo Drax.

President Obama:  Begone!  You prattle annoys me.

And so I left the Oval Office and our troubled President.  As I was leaving two midgets were being ushered into the office and we spoke briefly.

First midget: What kind of mood is he in?

Manhattan Infidel:  He’s bored.

First midget:  Ah great. 

Second midget:  Okay I’ll ride the tricycle but he better not ask us to kiss each other again!

I ask all my readers to pray for President Obama.  May his intellect find challenges to sustain him.  And if any midgets are reading my blog, please contact me.

A few days have passed since President Obama’s jobs speech to a joint session of congress.  No doubt all of my readers were hanging out in bars getting drunk and putting the Carpenters on the Jukebox were glued to their TVs watching the speech.

But what happens after the speech?  What happens behind closed doors when the real work of governing destroying America happens?  I’m sure all my readers are too busy having sex in public want to know the answer to this question.  Fortunately where the hell is my medication I’m starting to hallucinate again through my contacts in Washington I’d rather have a hooker but I’ll take your intel I was able to piece together the first behind the scenes meeting between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner.

President Obama:  John, have a seat.

Speaker Boehner:  Thank you for meeting with me Mr. President.

President Obama:  John, on behalf of the five federal families I want to discuss the jobs bill.

Speaker Boehner:  Mr. President, as I have said before my colleagues in the House have concerns as to how this bill will be paid for.

President Obama:  John, pass this bill!

Speaker Boehner:  Yes, Mr. President.  I was at your speech.  I’ve heard you use that phrase before.

President Obama:  Pass this bill!

Speaker Boehner:  Mr. Pres-

President Obama: Pass this bill!

Speaker Boehner:  Mr. President if I may -

President Obama:  Pass this bill!

Speaker Boehner:  Mr -

President Obama:  Pass -

Speaker Boehner:  President -

President Obama:  Pass this Bill John.

Speaker Boehner:  Mr. President.  I cannot in good conscience support this  jobs -

President Obama:  Pass this bill!

Speaker Boehner:  No.

President Obama:  Alright John. You have forced me to do something very unpleasant.  You force me to go to the muscle.  Joe, come in.  [Vice President Biden enters the room.]

Vice President Biden:  Mr. President, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me into your home on the day of your jobs bill.  And may your jobs bill be a masculine jobs bill.

Speaker Boehner:  You’re joking right?  This is your muscle?

President Obama: John, pass this bill.

Vice President Biden:  That’s what the man said, he did.

Speaker Boehner:  No.

President Obama:  John, either your brains or your signature will be on that jobs bill.

Speaker Boehner:  I see I have no choice.  [Signs jobs bill.]

President Obama:  I don’t like violence John.  I’m a businessman.  Blood is a big expense.  Now that wasn’t so difficult.  Certainly you can present a bill for your services.  After all, we are not communists.  We are all socialists now.

Speaker Boehner:  Yeah whatever.  Can I go now?  Titanic’s on TV.  I love that movie.  It always makes me cry.

Again, I am thankful to my sources in Washington for this inside information you son of a bitch you said she was clean.  It burns when I urinate.

No jokes today.

The above photo was taken on Thursday September 6th 2001.  My father, brother and my brother’s girlfriend had come down to the city for the day.  I was originally going to take them to the World Trade Center but instead opted for the Empire State Building.  Not to worry I remember saying. There will always be another time to go to the World Trade Center.  Little did I know that five days later the towers would be gone.

September 11, 2001 was a warm late Summer day.  It was primary day in New York City and the Democratic candidates for mayor were out campaigning.  I had voted early that morning and then had plans to go upstate to visit my father and sister.  I arrived at Grand Central, bought my round trip ticket and sat back.  The train left at 8:48 AM.

As the train approached Yonkers one of the passengers told the car that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  No further details.   Most of us didn’t think it was that serious.  It might have been a small prop plane.  So there wouldn’t be much damage.

A little further and we heard that there was an explosion at the other tower.  Perhaps a news helicopter had hit it.  At this point all we knew was that both towers were on fire but the extent of that fire no one knew.

Gradually the full horror of the day was revealed.

Both towers had been hit by passenger jets and were burning out of control.  The first thought on everyone’s mind was “who would do this?“  My first and only thought was “Muslims.”  Naturally, since this is New York, some passengers speculated that it was white militia groups.

About halfway through the ride the train stopped and the conductor came on.  I will never forget his words:

The Pentagon has been hit and they are evacuating the White House.  Both towers are burning out of control.  Do not attempt to get back to the city. All bridges and tunnels have been closed.

It was then that we knew that this was not just another ordinary day.

Shortly before the train arrived at my destination someone said, “They’re gone.  The Towers are gone.  They’ve collapsed!”

There was disbelief on the train. How do steel towers collapse?  (And the truther movement was probably born right there.)

When the train arrived at Poughkeepsie and I got out both towers had collapsed.  There was a panicky crowd at the ticket window asking about their loved ones and if any more trains would be coming north.  (As it turned out, none were.  I was on the last train out of New York City that day.)

I spent the night in Poughkeepsie and took a train back to New York on September 12th.

When I arrived in the city I was struck by two things.  How a normally bustling and busy city was quiet.  No businesses were open.  And also I remember the smell.  The entire island of Manhattan smelled like a giant electrical fire: Sour.  Sickly.

Manhattan was closed below 14th street. At 14th street I got angry for the first time. Not at the destruction but at the peace protesters.  They had hung “Give peace a chance” signs around a statue of George Washington and were strumming acoustic guitars.  Oh those wacky Democrats I thought to myself.

What happened that day makes me angry.  It still makes me angry.  To call Islam Medieval is an insult to the middle ages.  Islam is pre-medieval.  It is stone age.  It is barbaric.

Only gradually over the next two weeks was lower Manhattan opened in stages.  These are some of the pictures I took the weeks after 9/11.

The remains of the World Trade Center in the background:

And again:

Ground Zero:  (And if you close down the pussycat lounge you’re in trouble!)

Ground Zero:

Ground Zero:

Ground Zero:

Dateline December 27, 1776.  Ye Olde New York Times

Ye Olde New York Times, while always opposing the war has reserved judgment as to the actions of the so-called American army and their commander, George Washington.  However after the dastardly sneak attack on sleeping Hessian soldiers in Trenton yesterday we can no longer withhold our outrage.

In contravention of all known rules of morality, in contravention of accepted Christian principles of war Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River, marched into the City of Trenton and, without warning, attacked sleeping Hessians of color, killing 22, wounding many more and taking almost 1000 of the King’s brave mercenaries prisoner.

The dastardly and unprovoked attack by Washington on sleeping soldiers during Christmas, a sacred day to the Germans points out that the so-called American army has repeatedly enaged in uncivilized and brutal warfare.

Is this the depths that Washington’s army has sunk?  Is this what our continent will be known as throughout the civilized world?  As a place of brutality that would make savages blush?

We ask all concerned citizens to shun Washington and his troops.  They must get the message that their tactics will not be tolerated.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that Washington and his so-called army (really a band of terrorists) will soon feel the cold fury of an enraged nation.  We are confident they will have to go into hiding.   We are confident that the troops of his Royal Highness King George III will soon capture Washington and put him on trial.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are emboldened by the growing anti-war movement in the 13 colonies.  All throughout universities on this continent, enlightened students, representing the best and brightest of our land have been holding marches and rallies expressing their opposition to further bloodshed.

In particular we must commend one Cindy McSheehan whose son was killed by Washington’s troops during the Battle of Long Island.  This courageous woman. her tears representing her moral authority, are a reminder that every day the call for peace is growing.  We hope that soon peace will be restored to our land.

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New York Times

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Good morning loyal readers of my humble blog.

What a weekend!  After a year of nonstop campaigning the Iowa straw poll has come and gone.  When I entered the 2012 Presidential race I had one goal in mind:  Maybe Olivia Wilde will go out with me if I were President Change!  Change for the American people.

And so I went to the good state of Iowa with change.  Literally.  I brought my own change.  Good shiny quarters, dimes and even a few nickels (but no pennies. Useless socialist pennies!)  I devoted the past year to traveling around Iowa, talking to its citizens,  giving them quarters and asking them where this “straw poll” was and was it strong enough for me to dance around?  But mostly I looked the citizens of Iowa in the eye and asked them one important question:  May I use your bathroom.  God those corn dogs go right through me.  Are you better off than you were four years ago?

And Iowans responded by saying No you can’t use the bathroom you’re frightening my children We are not better off than we were four years ago.

And so buoyed by my contacts with ordinary Iowans I went into the straw poll with much confidence even If I was never able to find this so-called “straw poll.”

But my showing was not as expected. While finishing strongly how is it possible to receive a negative percent of the vote? I do not see a clear path ahead of me to the Presidency.  And so I must, with great sadness, announce that I am withdrawing from the 2012 Presidential race.

I believe that I could have gotten at least 0% of the vote done better if only Iowa would change the law that makes those residing in mental hospitals ineligible to vote.

And so while my campaign has ended the issues are still there.  America faces its greatest threat ever from David Hasselhoff our exploding national debt.

And while, my fellow Americans, the campaign continues without me I still care about the issues Olivia Wilde do you think a restraining order will stop our  love?

There are many attractive and capable candidates still in the race.  After much thought, reflection, and spankings by Miss Olga prayer I have decided to throw my support behind King Shamus.

King Shamus has only been convicted of a misdemeanor cares about many of the same things I do.  I particularly like his campaign slogan:

Hi.  I’m King Shamus.  Would you like some candy little girl?

My campaign (for 2012 anyway) I have a pretty good chance of making parole by 2015 so I might run again is over.  But I will continue to fight for you, the American people.

God bless America.  I’m very lonely.  May I touch you?

Manhattan Infidel

Using my crack induced investigative skills I was able to gain access to a secret I made it up document that details a new 12 step program Democrats around the country will be using to recover from their defeat in the debt ceiling dog and pony show negotiations.

Step 1:

We Democrats admit we are powerless over spending.  We cannot increase it due to the intransigence and terroristic hostage-taking of those evil tea-bagging Republicans.  Our desire to increase taxes and entitlement spending is beyond our control, at least until the 2012 elections when we regain a majority of both houses.

Step 2:

We believe that a power greater than ourselves, mainly our beloved President Obama, can restore us to pre-Reagan tax levels.

Step 3:

We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of President Obama, as we understand him.

Step 4:

We will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and then figure out how to blame the Tea Party.

Step 5:

Admit to President Obama, to ourselves, and to MSNBC or CNN but definitely not FOX which after all is not a real news organization that we have failed Obama. We will detail the exact nature of our wrongs and how we capitulated to  extremist Republicans who want to “reduce spending” which as we all know are code words to cover their racism.

Step 6:

We are ready to have President Obama, in all his glory, remove these defects from our character.  Or, failing that we give ourselves over to Obama and give him full authority to demagogue our opponents.

Step 7:

We will humbly ask President Obama to bless us and remove our shortcomings.  Or, failing that, play a few holes of golf with him.

Step 8:

Make a list of all people whose taxes we would like to raise, and become willing to make Ad hominem attacks upon them.

Step 9:

Make direct amends to people I have injured because I have not spent more of their money, except when they are the evil rich.

Step 10:

Continue to take personal inventory of other people’s possessions to see if they are hording soon to be outlawed light bulbs because we know they are bad for the environment.  If necessary I will hop on my private jet to confront these people who don’t care about our planet.

Step 11:

Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Obama, as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.  Or, we could have the EPA declare martial law because we know people are setting their thermostats too damn high.

Step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening to the dangers that a balanced budget causes, we will carry the message of deficit spending to our constituents and practice these principles in all our affairs.  But we don’t mean affairs literally unless you count sending someone a picture of your penis as an affair.  Which we don’t.

And there you have it readers.  By publishing this secret made up document I fully expect to be arrested and made a martyr to free speech.  As I write this I can hear the police attempting to break down my door.

I really should put my pants on and take my medication.  I like Miley Cyrus.  She’s wholesome.

Note:  Between the time of the writing of this post and the publishing thereof, a compromise plan may have been found that will increase the debt ceiling while significantly reducing spending.  But, since I plan to spend most of my time between now and then drunk and will wake up Tuesday morning in an alleyway, naked except for one sock, a chihuahua licking my testicles and the word “whore” written in lipstick on my forehead I probably will be in no shape to rewrite this post.  So here it goes.

• The average American will have nothing to fear from a potential default.  Unless, of course your entire life’s saving is tied up in worthless U.S. paper money.   But I am confident that my readers wouldn’t be that stupid.  We’ve all converted our 401Ks and IRAs to gold?  Right?  If you have then carry on with your life as normal.  If however you are still being paid in our worthless fiat currency, then read on.
• Join a street gang.  This will come in very handy.  There is protection in numbers and with the power grid now shut off your gang can roam the streets attacking other gangs and stealing their fuel.  Your new street gang will need a tough, macho name that will intimidate, such as “Hell’s Assassins” “The Disembowelers”  and “The Warren Buffetts.“  My gang will be called “The Alan Aldas.” We will rule the street through fear, assassination and our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings but mostly through our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings.
• Zombies can be useful allies.  With the power grid shut down, food scarce and/or rotten you may notice an upsurge in the zombie population. Do not be alarmed!  Zombies have street cred and can be useful working security for you. By offering them raw meat (perhaps puppies, babies or a captured rival gang member) you will win their loyalty.
• Befriend botanists and the Chinese but mostly the Chinese.  With our cities in flames you will need to retreat to the countryside. Find a botanist, enslave him and have him rummage for nonpoisonous plants to eat.  Once you know which plants are safe you can kill the botanist.  Unless your botanist is Chinese.  In the new post default world order the Chinese will decide who lives and who dies.  So be nice to them.  But don’t let them see you naked because once they realize their penises are small they will be pissed.
• Pigs pigs pigs! They are loyal pets and in a pinch can substitute for a wife. They also can be used to strap small IEDs to their bodies.  Chances are a rival gang will want a pet pig as well.  Let the now-armed pig enter their compound and, once inside, detonate it.  Besides killing your enemies this will provide bacon strips. Lots of bacon strips. The world may have gone to hell but that’s no reason not to enjoy delicious bacon!
• Direct TV.  Our cities have burned to the ground, our financial system has collapsed, food is scarce, zombies may be your allies but you don’t want to miss a chance to see the lovely Erica Cerra starring  in Eureka on the Syfy channel.

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you will have nothing to fear.  Except from my gang The Alan Aldas.  We kick ass.  And we’re sensitive.  Very sensitive.  We are a new breed of sensitive ass kickers.  So beware.

Dateline March 22, 1765.  Ye Olde New York Times

The passage of the Stamp Act by our most glorious and liberal Parliament in London has embroiled these colonies in controversy.  And, in the opinion of Ye Olde New York Times, a needless, unnecessary and manufactured controversy engineered by conservative, selfish businessmen who, in contravention of all good, do not wish to see their taxes raised.

Since Britain’s victory in the late war over France, a Catholic kingdom we remind our readers, our enlightened, Protestant and liberal King George has kept troops stationed here in the colonies for our own protection and security.  Garrisoning troops in these colonies is not cheap and is estimated to cost the Crown £225,000 per year.  In addition prosecuting the war has raised the debt to £156,000,000.

Yet, despite these facts, a class of extremist conservatives object to raising revenue or increasing our debt ceiling.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times find opposition to this necessary revenue enhancement Act unconscionable.

We once again remind our readers of the many benefits of protection by the state.  Our leaders after all, being more knowledgeable than the average person have the awful responsibility of doing what’s in our best interest, whether we agree with them or not.

We also wish to remind our readers of the many benefits of increased taxation.  Increased revenues provide for the accouterments of the modern nation state.  Increased revenues provide for the bond of Christian charity as the extra income can be used towards much needed entitlement programs.

We also ask our readers to take a good look at the so-called opposition, which is nothing more than a band of small, angry conservative extremists.  Selfish men.  Businessmen like Samuel Adams of Massachusetts.  Why Mr. Adams what do you plan to do with your extra income?  At some point Mr. Adams you must ask yourself if you have made enough money.  It is time for Mr. Adams and his ilk to give back to the state what rightfully belongs to it: Namely their extra income.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that our readers agree with us and that they represent the solid, liberal, loyal majority.

The Editorial Board of Ye Old New York Times

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In wake of the burgeoning Operation Fast and Furious scandal President Obama today accepted the resignation of his attorney General Eric Holder.

In accepting Holder’s resignation, President Obama praised his former Attorney General for his many contributions but also acknowledged that it was time to go in a new direction.  Said the President:

It is time to go beyond petty partisan politics.  The bickering between the parties has paralyzed Washington.  This is why I have chosen Sergeant Schultz to be my next Attorney General.   Sergeant Schultz is an outsider with no political ax to grind.  He is a successful businessman, running Germany’s most successful toy factory, The Schatzi Toy Company.  He also has a background in law enforcement.  As a guard at Stalag 13 not one inmate escaped…… and didn’t come back.

Sergeant and Attorney General designate Schultz was then introduced to the press, who as might have been expected had many questions about Fast and Furious.

“Will those responsible for border patrol agent Brian Terry’s death be brought to justice?” asked one reporter.

“How can letting guns get into the hands of known criminals advance law enforcement interests” asked another.

Perhaps flustered by the barrage of questions, Schultz put down his Krag-Jorgensen rifle, which ended up in the hands of Anderson Cooper.

“Cooper give me back my gun.  Or I’ll shoot!” screamed Schultz.  Before giving back the gun however Cooper managed to fatally wound Norah O’Donnell.

After O’Donnell’s body was removed the questioning of the new Attorney General continued.

Clearly out of his element, a confused Schultz could only mutter “I see NOTHING!  I know NOTHING!”

“Are you telling me that you know absolutely nothing.  You have no knowledge of firearms being sold to Mexican cartels?” asked Cooper.  “And I just shot Norah O’Donnell.  Today I am a man.”

As Schultz continued to stammer about seeing nothing, President Obama said to an aide, “See why I love this guy.  Plausible deniability.”

Schultz’s nomination is expected to be approved by Congress.

Norah O’Donnell’s family has vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper.