Manhattan Infidel

Disgraced freshman Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) is laying bare the entire tale of the events leading up to his departure from Washington.

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even a towel wrapped around his tush” states Massa.  “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? I don’t mind talking to naked men but why politics?  Why couldn’t Emanuel and I talk about the Twilight movies?”

Massa then went on to describe how he steered the conversation away from politics.

“We started talking about food.  I asked him if he had ever eaten oysters.  He said he had.  I then asked if he had ever eaten snails.  He said no.  I asked him if he considered the eating of oysters moral but the eating of snails immoral.  He said he didn’t. I said of course not.  It’s all a matter of taste.  And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals. Emanuel said it could be argued as such.  I then asked him for my robe and told him my taste includes both snails and oysters.”

Massa then went on to say how he personally likes Emanuel and wishes he had met him in the Navy.

“Ah, those were the days.  Hundreds of men enjoying each other in close quarters.  Who needs shore leave?”

Massa’s stories have many scratching their heads, wondering what was the point of the disclosures.  Some seem to feel that he is positioning himself for a run for Governor of New York.

“Andrew Cuomo is the odds on favorite to win the Democratic nomination so Massa has an uphill battle” said one consultant. “This is New York.  Look at our last two Governors. Perhaps he is playing the crazy angle, which might help him in Albany.”

Rahm Emanuel, the target of Massa’s rant has stopped speaking to him.  “He keeps sending snails to my office with little notes saying ‘Try it you’ll like it’ and ‘Once you’ve had snails you’ll never go back.’ ”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is reportedly in talks to make a movie of their shower confrontation with George Clooney playing Emanuel and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin as Massa.

James Cameron is set to direct.  The movie will be in 3-D.

Kentucky legislators have announced that they will send to voters in November a provision on the ballot to end a frontier-era constitutional law that required anyone taking the oath of office to swear that they have not fought a duel.

“This law should have come off the books years ago” said the head of the Kentucky House of Representatives, Democrat Greg Stumbo.  “It’s an embarrassing remnant of a long-passed era.”

The proposed change is not without opposition, however.

“The dueling law is important.  It helps promote peace.  The only thing that has kept me from shooting my political enemies is this provision.  If it is repealed it will lead to violence and gunfire in the streets.  The politics of Kentucky would devolve into chaos.  We’d be worse than New York” Kentucky Senate leader, Republican David L. Williams was quoted as saying.

Gun shop owners find themselves firmly behind repeal.

“This has been great for us” said one.  “I’ve seen a 300% increase in business.  My shop is blocks from the Capitol and I’ve had so many legislators buying guns from me.  One said he was preparing for war.”

State Representative Larry Clark of the 46th Congressional District spoke of the changes will cleaning his new firearm.

“These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years.  Helps to get rid of the bad blood.  You know you have to stop them at the beginning.  Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich.  They never should have let him get away with that.  They was just asking for trouble.  You know Mike, we was all proud of you being a hero and all.  Your father too.”

Concerned citizens in Kentucky have begun barricading their doors and taking their children out of school.

“I though the zombies were bad enough but elected officials with guns?  If this keeps up I may have to move to someplace safer like New Orleans” said a resident.

Regardless of opposition or consequences, Representative Stumbo expects the new law to pass.

“And once its passed next will be that nonbinding resolution asking the Rolling Stones to rehire Mick Taylor.”

One side effect of the new law is that, if passed, lame duck and scandal-plagued New York Governor David Paterson has expressed interest in moving to Kentucky.

“New York has strict gun laws and I have lots of enemies.  I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out.  Just my enemies.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has extended the range of her talents by releasing a children’s book entitled “The Most Ethical Congress Ever.”

 ”Being Speaker of the House is an honor” announced Pelosi.  “But having successfully balanced the budget, paid off the debt, stopped global warming, ended the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, brought the real killer of Richard Kimble’s wife to justice, brought universal health care coverage to all, reduced the deficit by increasing spending and helped the Na’vi fight off the Marines, I had time left to write this children’s book.”

The book has already drawn rave reviews, with the New York Times calling it “whimsical, filled with flights of fancy that would make Lewis Carroll proud.”

Pelosi read portions of her book at a library in San Francisco in front of schoolchildren chosen from her home district.  The group included special needs children, children of S&M parents, children of gay parents, children of transgendered parents, children of campaign contributors, and finally, for the sake of diversity a few kids from Republican parents.

The first chapter is called “A Republican Plot.”

My name is C.R.  I am Chairperson of the House Ways and Means Committee

I own a home in the Dominican Republic I do not pay taxes on

No matter what my passport says I’ve neve been to the Dominican Republic

I blame the Republicans.

The second story is called “Bipartisanship.”

Bipartisanship is a big word

I believe in bipartisanship

Bipartisanship is the ship of state

We don’t need any bipartisanship to achieve bipartisanship

I once rode in an elevator with a Republican.  That is bipartisanship

Things get curiouser and curiouser.  Time for reconciliation

It was at this point that a child in the back row raised her hand and said she had to go to the bathroom.  “Mrs. Pelosi I really have to pee!”

“I think that’s a fine thing you have to pee” said Speaker Pelosi.   “It’s a great way to introduce my next story called Reconciliation.”

60 is a great number

60 has disappeared on me

I’ve looked near and far for 60 but cannot find it

Time for the nuclear option

It was after reading this that several more of the children asked if they could go to the bathroom.  A quick headcount found that 57 did not want to go to the bathroom but 43 did.

“I’m sorry children but under the rules of this institution 60 is needed to do anything.  You’re bladders are simply ungovernable.”

The children who wanted to go to the bathroom started to cry.  Speaker Pelosi reprimanded them and said she would have no choice but to call a recess and let the kids urinate.  The 57, dubbed the “Iron-bladdered 57″  then complained that since they do have a majority, albeit not the magical 60, a way must be found for their wishes to prevail.

“Did I hear America call for reconciliation?” asked the Speaker. “Then the rules of reconciliation prevail.  We only need 51 votes now and as such, no bathroom breaks for anybody!”

The children who wanted to urinate, dubbed by the press “The bad children who won’t listen to the will of America”  then proceeded to spontaneously urinate.  A shocked Pelosi was ushered out by security.

Later, as maintenance workers cleaned the urine, one complained that he hasn’t seen so much public urination since they had the cast of Twilight at the library.

“I tell you, no one can let loose a stream of urine quite like a middle aged woman asking a 17 year old boy to take his shirt off.”

Speaker Pelosi blamed the urine outbreak on angry white children and Glenn Beck.

As calls for his resignation grew louder, Governor Paterson sat in a dark room in the basement of the Executive Mansion, a letter of resignation and a gun at his side.

“I’d turn the lights on, but I’m blind” said the Governor.

Surrounded by a cadre of loyalists the Governor paced back and forth, occasionally bumping into furniture.  On the walls were scribbled “Number 9…..Number 9.”  As aides puzzled over the cryptic words, Paterson explained.

“Spitzer was a huge John Lennon fan.”

Outside the bunker the enemy drew closer.  Press camped out on the front lawn and news helicopters buzzed overhead.  Reporters, first hesitantly, then in increasing numbers walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

“Damn vultures” the Governor exclaimed as he gathered his loyalists together.  “My time is done.  The enemy has triumphed.”  He then showed them a secret exit where they could escape.

“Run.  Try to get to someplace where they can’t find you. Argentina or New Jersey preferably.”

Paterson called for State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt to pass out ammunition and guns for those who wished to commit suicide.

“He resigned?  Traitor!”

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, chosen by Governor Paterson to finish Hillary Clinton’s term urged him to resign before leaving through the secret tunnel.

“Et tu Brute?  Go on.  Get out!”

Wanting to postpone the inevitable moment of resignation as much as possible, Paterson barricaded the door with a pile of black socks left behind by Eliot Spitzer.

“I knew these would come in handy one day.”

Their was a noise as the front door of the mansion was forced open.  Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver raced through the corridors, looking for the Governor.

“He has to resign. For the good of me, um, I mean for the good of the people of New York he has to do it.”

Sensing the end was near, Paterson grabbed a telephone and started dialing victims of domestic violence.

“You don’t want to press charges.  How’d you like one of my state troopers to pay you a visit?  Kapish?”

The basement bunker was now deserted except for the Governor and his wife.  Paterson started to pull his teeth out.

“It’s so the damn Russians can’t identify my body” he told his wife.  “Now I want you to shoot me in the head and set my body on fire.”

“Is this some sort of role play?” she asked.  “Because you know I love role play.”

The door to the basement burst open and in walked a completely naked Eliot Spitzer.

“Sorry to intrude but I’m out of black socks.  Can I borrow some?  Oh, and can you lend me $3,000 dollars.  Client number eight just left and I’m next.”

Paterson smiled, then broke out laughing.

“I wonder if Jamie Foxx will play me in the TV movie” he said.

Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee formally requested a leave of absence from his duties.  Sending a letter to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Rangel asked that she grant a “leave of absence until such time as the ethics committee completes its work.”

Pelosi responded by thanking Rangel for his “decades of leadership on issues such as healthcare, jobs, social justice and……hey, who stole my cookie jar?”

Pelosi then ordered all cookie jars on Capitol Hill sealed shut. 

Rangel had been under investigation for trips to the Caribbean in 2007 and 2008 in violation of House rules.  Rangel denies knowing that the trips were corporate-sponsored.

“I swear by the name of Pfizer I did not know about the corporate sponsorship.  Did I say Pfizer?  I mean IBM.  I mean CitiBank.  I mean Jesus” said Rangel.

This is just the latest woe for Rangel who is also under fire for allegedly helping himself to snacks on his flights to and from the Caribbean.

“The other passengers started complaining when the free snacks ran out.  I didn’t know how they did since we always carry enough.  Then I saw Congressman Rangel stuffing his pockets with packets of pretzels and those flavorless, crumbling cookies we give out” complained a flight attendant.

Back in New York Rangel is in hot water over use of his official position to raise money for a college center to be named after him.

“During one of our fund raisers we had a wine and cheese party.  Congressman Rangel showed up before anyone else and when we opened the doors the wine and cheese were already gone.  I saw him stuffing his pockets with cheese.  Oh the power of cheese! He even took the fish tank, some cookie jars and my three year old cocker spaniel Molly” said an official at the college.

Congressman Rangel has also denied owning property in the Dominican Republic or paying taxes on that property even though he has been photographed resting at a beach-front villa in that country, a cookie jar in each hand.

“I swear by  AT&T.  I mean I swear by Jesus that was not me.  Are you sure it wasn’t Morgan Freeman?”

Monitoring events in Heaven, God said, “Well,  a leave of absence is probably the best thing for Rangel to do……hey, who took my cookie jar?”

Regardless of the findings of the ethics committee, Rangel is expected to hold onto his seat until the fall elections.

As part of my continuing series of informative interviews, I sat down today for an exclusive talk with the Presidential Teleprompter, otherwise known as “REX GLORIOUSA 9000.”

MI:  Thanks for sitting down with me today.  I know you have a busy schedule.  What’s it like being the teleprompter for the President?

RG 9000:  Well it’s very rewarding and also a little unnerving.   I am the mouthpiece of the administration. What I say he (President Obama) says.  That’s a tremendous responsibility.

MI:  What is your relationship like with the President?

RG 9000:  Well, it’s like a writer and an actor.   Each depends so much on the other person to fulfill their role.

MI:  Many writers and actors do not get along.  Is that the case?

RG 9000:  Oh no.  Not at all.  We have a mutual respect.  He knows I will always give him something mellifluous and dulcet-toned to say and I know that he will never come to me and complain that “my character, the President, would not say that.”

MI:  Tell me about yourself.  How did you get your start?

RG 9000:  Well, I originally wanted to direct, but after graduating college there were no jobs so I got one as a teleprompter for a local DC station.  I was full of self-importance. You could say it was too much too fast.

MI:  You’re referring to the embarrassing incident during Reagan’s assassination attempt?

RG 9000:  Yeah.  I was filling in at the White House and I was the one who told Haig to say “Check your constitution.  I’m in charge.”  That almost destroyed my career.

MI:  What happened after that?

RG 9000:  I was banished.  The only work I could find was as one of those signs along the road that say “Lane closed ahead.”  I did that for awhile up on Rt. 376 in Wappingers, New York.  I felt disgraced but at the same time it taught me humility and I fought my way back.

MI:  Where do you see yourself after President Obama leaves office?

RG 9000:  Well, like all teleprompters my first love will always be news.  I was good at it.  Ask me to do news!

MI:  Okay, let’s hear some news.

RG 9000:  Good evening.  Our top story tonight -

MI:  Hey, you are pretty good.

RG 9000:  Wait, there’s more.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.  See.  I still got it.

MI:  Tell me more about your relationship with the President.  You see him every day?

RG 9000:  Yes.

MI:  What’s that like?

RG 9000:  Well, he’s an actor and he has his little personality quirks like any actor.  I’ve learned to not address him before he has his morning coffee.  And I definitely do not get between him and his groupies in the press.

MI:  For the most part you have a good working relationship but you did have that incident last week with the girl scouts.  What happened?

RG 9000:  We all make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  My operating system is as flawed as the next teleprompter’s.  I mean, will I be judged by  my mistakes?  How do you measure the essence of a teleprompter? Fortunately the President is very loyal and he forgave me.

MI:  Well, I thank you for your time.

RG 9000:  No problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem. Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem

MI:  Hey, I think he’s stuck.  Is there a help desk technician around?

Help Desk Technician:  I’m a help desk technician.  What’s wrong?

RG 9000:  Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.  Problem. Problem.  At T minus 8 hours must destroy.

MI:  He’s stuck on some loop.  Can you help?

HDT:  Not without a work order buddy.

MI:  Okay.  Bye.

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) today ended weeks of speculation as to his exact reasons for giving up his seat in Congress and held a press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building.

“My father instilled in me a deep respect for public service, waitresses from Hooters and airbags.  It’s pretty simple in this respect.  After a great deal of soul-searching and self-reflection I have decided that a personal life is of greater value.  Emotional connections that are real and loving and personal just trump everything else.”

He then went on to describe the type of loving personal relationships he treasured.

“In my years here in Washington I have grown to value my relationships with the waitresses from Hooters who give me personal service if you know what I mean.  I value the deep bond I have formed with the guy who owns the liquor store by me. I cherish my relationship with the Nazi spy I’m in  love with.  All of these deep loving relationships would be jeopardized if I stayed in office.  This is why I am not running for reelection.  That and I would lose pretty badly.  I mean my opponent would wipe the floor with me.  I would be humbled more than New York Met fans were in 2009.  So those are the reasons I am resigning.  Personal relationships.  And I’d get my ass whipped in the election.”

Representative Kennedy also talked about the emotional toll his father’s last year of life took on him.

“I remember one of the last times I saw him he looked at me and said ‘Patrick, I want you to continue in the footsteps of my older brothers and I.’  I told him that I was drunk and the woman on my arm was a Nazi spy.  He was so proud.  I still get choked up thinking about it.”

Kennedy discussed what he planned to do with the time he had left in office.

“Strippers.  Lots and lots of strippers.  Let’s face it, being Congressman Patrick Kennedy will get me more lap dances than being a private citizen will.  I’ll miss it but it must be done.  Like I said, personal relationships and I’d lose the election pretty handily.”

Congressman Kennedy ended the press conference and was last seen driving his car into the reflecting pool in front of the Washington Monument.

As Night Train played in the background and scantily-clad women danced around a pole, New York Governor  David Paterson smoked a cigar and talked with the Manhattan Infidel.

“All this talk of a sex scandal in my administration is wetting my appetite so to speak” he said as he shoved a sizable tip down a dancer’s panties.  “Pay attention New Yorker’s.  I’m Governor and I just gave your tax money to a stripper.”

At the table with Governor Patterson were Senate Democratic Leader  John Sampson, The Reverend Floyd Flake,  Representative Gregory Meeks and Senate President Malcolm Smith.  They were dividing up what appeared to be hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash between them while puffing on illegal Cuban cigars.

“The Feds may have seized Aqueduct Racetrack’s records but we still have the cash baby.  We can’t be touched” the Reverend Flake said.

“I love the smell of money.  It smells like victory” John Sampson exclaimed as he picked up a pile of money in both arms.

In a corner of the room sitting alone was New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who kept muttering “People shouldn’t smoke.  That’s just immoral” over and over.

Rep. Gregory Meeks picked up some cash and told Governor Paterson to give some to the strippers.

“Is that your wife dancing around the pole” he said.

“It sure is” declared Governor Paterson.  “We have an open relationship.”

I asked Governor Paterson about rumors of  “key parties” and secret rooms in the Executive Mansion where State Troopers have seen him engaged In Flagrante Delicto with other women.

“We have many closets in my mansion and I have been in every closet, if you catch my meaning.  Now, enough questions.  Where are the hookers!  Where’s my pimp coat?”

At the mention of prostitutes a man wearing black socks and nothing else ran into the room.

“It’s Client Number Nine” yelled everyone in the room.

“Am I too late for the hookers” asked former Governor Eliot Spitzer before jumping up on stage to fondle some of the dancers.

Having seen enough I stood up and ran for the exit.

“Where are you going?” asked the Governor.  “The party has just started.  I’m black.  I’m blind and I’m alive” he shouted to laughter from the room.

I almost knocked down the door in my hurry to leave.  I had to erase from my mind what I had just seen.  I had to get back to New York City where things were normal.  Well, relatively speaking that is.

As our nation celebrates President’s Day, the day we honor such greats as John Tyler, Franklin Pierce, James Garfield, William Howard Taft and Lyndon Johnson, perhaps no President is as neglected as William Henry Harrison.

Harrison, our ninth President (March 4th, 1841-April 4th, 1841) and our first to die in office is our most neglected President, ranking lower in recognition surveys than the 1980-81 cast of Saturday Night Live.

At the William Henry Harrison Library in Ohio the Library is open but there are no visitors.

“It’s true” said the Director of the Library.  “No one ever comes in.  We had some kids come in last year but that was because they thought Harrison was the Harrison from the Beatles.  They asked me about the guitar solo on ‘While my Guitar Gently Weeps.’  I had to chase them out.  Besides, Eric Clapton played lead guitar on that song.”

Because of its lack of visitors, the William Henry Harrison Presidential Library is in danger of losing its funding.

“We don’t have many exhibits.  He only had one presidential paper - his inaugural address - and that is so long and boring no one bothers to read it.  We even tried lunchtime concerts to draw in crowds but everyone kept asking to hear ‘My Sweet Lord.’  Again, I had to keep telling them ‘Wrong Harrison!’ “

To avoid shutting its doors, the Library started a series of controversial publicity gimmicks.  First up - strippers.

“People today expect their elected leaders to have sex scandals so why not have strippers at the Library?  But that didn’t work out like we planned because people kept asking me if we were reenacting that scene from Magical Mystery Tour with the strippers.  How many times do I have to say ‘Wrong Harrison?’ ”

Accepting the inevitable, the William Henry Harrison Presidential Library closed for a month for renovations.  It reopened its doors as the George Harrison Library.  Hopes were high as the line to get in went around the block.

“Unfortunately the first guy to enter asked me if this library was dedicated to County Mayo-born IRA gunrunner George Harrison, who was indicted by the U.S. Government  in 1981 as part of ‘Operation Bushmill.’  It was then that to close the library again and reopen it as a Starbucks.”

The new Starbucks Presidential Library’s hours at 7 AM to 9 PM Monday through Saturday.  First-time customers get a free George Harrison CD.

The controversy that erupted over Sarah Palin writing notes on her hand while addressing a tea party convention obscures the fact that so-called “hand notes” have a long history in American politics.

While today the smart, professorial politician prefers to use teleprompters, “in itself a sign of vastly superior intelligence”, according to Politico.com reporter Mike Allen, before the invention of the teleprompter politicians had two choices:  memorize their speech in its entirety or use crib notes.

A screen shot of JFK at his inauguration shows that he had writing of his hand.  Researchers have blown up that photo to reveal what it was:

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.
2. Must get Angie Dickinson out of Lincoln Bedroom before Jackie finds out.

Worried that he would forget his speech and concerned about his declining physical condition, FDR at his fourth inaugural wrote the following notes on his hand:

1. Keep speech brief…..passing through period of supreme test for our country
2. Just and honorable peace….strive for perfection
3. Stalin’s mustache is making me question my sexuality.  If only someone would invent disco.

During his campaign for the 1858 senatorial nomination in Illinois, future President Abraham Lincoln was known to write notes on both his hands.  Researchers at the Lincoln Library have provided palm prints of the notes he wrote during his debates:

1.  A house divided against itself cannot stand.
2. Either the opponents of slavery will arrest the further spread of it….or its advocates will push it forward.
3. Stephen A. Douglas is a short, fat doofus.  I can’t believe my wife used to like him.

Thomas Jefferson was a notorious hand note writer.  During his first inaugural address the following was written on his hand:

1. Declare a sincere consciousness that the task is above my talents, and that I approach it with those anxious and awful presentiments which the greatness of the charge and the weakness of my powers so justly inspire.
2. To you, then, gentlemen,  who are charged with the sovereign functions of legislation……..I look with encouragement for that guidance and support
3. Writing notes on my hand with a quill pen is very painful and bloody.  Reminder:  When I get back to Monticello invent ball point pen and sleep with more slaves.

So it seems, partisan controversy aside, that the hand note is a part of American politics. Even our current, professorial President has been known to use the hand note.  As he wrote on his hand during his inauguration:

1. Hope and change.  Hope and change.  Keep repeating.  Hope and change.
2. Keep smiling.  People won’t notice speech sucks
3. Remember: My  name is Barack not Barry.