Manhattan Infidel

With less than eight weeks until the presidential election of 1840 and trailing in the polls to the Whig challenger William Henry Harrison, President Martin Van Buren has accused his opponents of being motivated by racism.

With the United States mired in its worst recession in 20 years many pundits are predicting an easy Whig triumph.  However not wanting to concede the election, President Van Buren has mounted an offensive against the Whigs.

“The Whig party is the exclusive domain of Americans of English ancestry.  Look at my opponent’s last name:  Harrison!” he said during a campaign rally.   “They are a noninclusive party.  Only the Democratic party is all inclusive.  Only the Democrats are open to all white men of Northern European origin.”

The Whigs dismissed Van Buren’s argument as that of a desperate politician who knows he is going to lose and lose badly.

“Look at what the Democrats have done to our economy” said Whig Henry Clay.  “Under the Democrats our debt has become unsupportable. Our economy is shrinking. Our dollar is dropping. And this President does nothing.”

The Democrats countered by distributing pamphlets touting their accomplishments and membership.

As opposed to the Whigs, the Democrats come from all over Northern Europe.  We are a gorgeous mosaic of Dutch, Belgians, Danish, Luxembourgians, Swedish, Norwegians, Prussians, Russians, Swiss and yes, even the French.  Where do the Whigs come from?  England and Scotland!   A party with such a monolithic ethnic makeup cannot be sensitive to the needs of all Americans.

The Whigs dismissed the pamphlets as “propaganda unworthy of our Republic. This is the mark of a desperate politician.  He wants to shift the focus off of his record and end all debate by calling his opponents racist.”

President Van Buren for his part has said that his opponents better get used to having him around.

“I’m Dutch.  I’m proud and I’m beautiful.”

The Ku Klux Klan announced today that it has bought property next to the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, which it bombed in 1963 to build a 13-story “cross of bridge-building.”

The projected cross has generated intense partisan controversy.  Many opponents say that building the cross so close to the site of the bombing would be insensitive to the memory of the victims of the attack.

“I can’t believe they would even think of doing this” said a local black pastor.  “Are they crazy?  This isn’t about building bridges.  They want to put a cross up at the site of one of their victories.”

However, the Grand Dragon of the local Klan disputes this and argues that those who oppose the cross are violating cherished American principles.

Whatever happened to freedom of religion in this country?  I thought we were guaranteed that.  The people who oppose this cross are ignorant.  And they are racists.  Where is the funding to the opposition of the cross coming from?  Can anyone tell me that?  They should be investigated.  The right-wing Republicans are behind it I bet. This is not a cross of victory.  It’ll be an outreach center.  We’ll have books on the Klan, water fountains for hot days (separate white and colored of course), pamphlets warning of the dangers of miscegenation and a shooting range. 

Despite the Klan’s appeal to reason and American values opposition to the cross has grown among the intolerant.  Protesters took to the street carrying signs denouncing the proposed 13-story cross.

As tensioned escalated the Governor of Alabama suggested that the Klan move their cross to a different location, out of respect for the feelings of others.

“No one is denying the Klan the important bedrock American right to freedom of religion.  But perhaps a different location would help diffuse tension.”

The Mayor of Birmingham entered the fray on the side of the Klan.

“That we should even be debating this is ridiculous.  Some people just need to shut up.”

Meanwhile the Grand Dragon reiterated his reasons for building the cross.

“Life is all about building bridges” he said before leaving on a fund-raising tour.

Customers in a popular Manhattan deli were surprised to find that if they wanted their bagel sliced it now cost 9 cents extra.  Also, if bagels are eaten in the store, even if not touched by a knife or sliced, they cost extra.

Running a 14 billion dollar deficit and with a lame-duck governor feuding with both houses of the state legislature the state Department of Taxation and Finance has started enforcing obscure laws such as the one just mentioned.

“We have to come up with cash somehow” said Jamie Woodward, acting Commissioner of the Department.  “I know New Yorkers love their bagels but this is a sacrifice we all must make to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the state infrastructure running.  And this is just the first step.  We intend to use this principle on other goods to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the precious goods and services our residents have come to expect up and running.”

Among the ways the state intends to raise cash include:

• Prostitution.  All men who visit prostitutes and are serviced on location will have to pay a 15 percent tax.  However, if they take the prostitute back to a hotel room the tax does not apply.
• Serial Killers.  All serial killers will be subject to a tax if they use a knife and/or cut their victims in half.   “We’re quite excited about this” said Woodward.  “It has the potential to raise hundreds of millions.”
• Tour buses will be subject to a tax if they hit and kill a pedestrian.  “Mucho mucho dinero” said a gleeful Woodward.
• Tourists will be have to pay the state every time they are shot at.  “They want an authentic New York experience?  Let them pay for it. We’re not running a goddamn charity here.”
• The Staten Island Ferry will have to pay a tax every time it smashes into the dock, killing and/or maiming those on board.  “We know our ferry boat captains are all on drugs.  Why not use this to raise revenue?”
• Taxi drivers who have ties to Al-Qaeda will pay a tax.  “Well, this is a no-brainer” said Woodward.

Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Bagel Liberation Front held a protest on Wall Street.

“Today they come for our bagels.  Tomorrow they’ll come for our double lattes!” said a spokesman.

He was arrested and his taxes were raised 15 percent.

In advance of President Obama’s planned fund-raising trip to Manhattan the Secret Service has published a new set of operational guidelines.

“Our duty is to protect the President” said Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan.   “And we are going to use the power vested in us by the Constitution to make sure we can do our job.  Actually we might have to go above and beyond what’s authorized in the Constitution.  I don’t know.  I’ve never read it.  I like histories and westerns myself.”

The following rules are binding on all Americans.

• During a President’s trip to any city, all citizens of said city must remain motionless.

We don’t like people walking or talking or moving about.  It makes our job difficult.  So from the moment POTUS arrives in a city until he leaves all citizens must maintain the same exact position.  Except for the Mexicans of course.  We’ll need them to deliver the pizza.

•  People who have the first name of Dan will be arrested and placed in a concrete bath up to their head.

Our profilers assure us that people named Dan are subversive mothers.  By placing them in concrete we assure the President’s safety.

• Minefields will be placed in all school playgrounds.

This is controversial I know but if a few kids have to get blown to pieces to ensure the safety of POTUS, who can object to that.  Yes, the parents might object but if their first names are Dan we already got that covered.

• Metal will be banned.

Metal is a dangerous, dangerous substance.  Accordingly giant magnets will be placed East, West, North and South of any city POTUS visits.  The magnets will be turned on and any metal in the city will be captured.  Hopefully the citizens of the city have giant magnets covered in their car insurance.  If not they should.  Except for the people named Dan.  They won’t need cars when they are encased in concrete.

Director Sullivan states that he knows some of these provisions might be unpopular but they are necessary.

“I have great respect for our Constitution.  But as a Federal employee I’m not bound by what the Constitution may or may not say.”

Vacationing in Massachusetts, President Obama disappointed the hopes of many in the press corp by refusing to doff his shirt for the cameras.  Intoned Chris Matthews:

Just a year into his administration President Obama has yet to bring hope and change to the people of America who voted for him.  Polls say that the people are dissatisfied with his presidency. Why?  Republican propaganda blames high unemployment and unsupportable debt.  But these are all George Bush’s fault.  How can President Obama lift the spirits of America?  Simple.  Take his shirt off!  Please Mr. President take your shirt off.  Make us tingle with the bloom of youth.

Reporting from Martha’s Vineyard, MSNBC reporter Norah O’Donnell informed viewers of the President’s shirt-wearing public appearances:

O’Donnell: The weather is beautiful here but President Obama refuses to take his his shirt off while on the beach.  This can only be a tactical error his part.  If he takes his shirt off and shows me, I mean the American public, his manly upper torso the world will rally around him.  Republicans will lose whatever hopes they might have had of winning back the house in November.

Matthews:  Norah, you spoke to Robert Gibbs today.  Has he offered any word on whether the President will take his shirt off and satisfy my desires…..I mean the hopes and dreams of working America?

O’Donnell:  Yes Chris.  Gibbs mentioned that the President may, repeat may, take off his shirt tomorrow.  I certainly hope so.  I cried when I saw him with his shirt on.  My mascara started running and I felt really really angry and betrayed.  I went back to my hotel room and ripped his poster off my wall.  Then I texted my girlfriends and we cried together.

Matthews:  Thank you Norah.  Next on Hardball after the commercial break we’ll discuss why the Cubs haven’t won a world series since 1908.  Is it George Bush’s fault?  Theologians debate this. 

On Countdown, Keith Olbermann appeared with eye black and a bandanna wrapped around his head.  Grabbing an axe and chopping up his desk Olbermann said:

I am here to say that God is dead.  There is no hope for any of us unless our President, my captain, my captain, takes his shirt off.  The Republicans and their ally Satan reign supreme.  Please Mr. President, our press, I mean our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.  Take your shirt off and let an anxious nation bask in your manful presence.

In a statement released by the White House it was announced that “President Obama firmly intends to take his shirt off sometime while on vacation.  The entire press pool except for Fox will be welcome to take photos of this event.”

With the indictment of South Carolina Democratic Candidate for Senate Alvin Greene on charges of showing pornography to underage girls attention has focused on the history of Democratic sex.  More specifically, the penchant of Democratic politicians for “high risk, high reward, high thrills” pleasure seeking.

“The Democrats believe in a hands-on activist approach to many things, and that includes sex” said a sociologist who has studied Democrats.

While many are familiar with President Clinton’s use of a cigar as a sex prop not many know of President Johnson’s pick up line of “I’m the Commander-In-Chief. You will do what I say.  And I say apply the lotion or you get the hose.”

“He used to use that line all the time.  It really freaked out the interns.”

President Kennedy was known for asking all the woman he met if they wanted to have an orgy with him, the Attorney General and Marilyn Monroe.

“The  woman didn’t mind the part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe but they found Robert Kennedy a little creepy.  He wanted to film everything and liked to be called ‘Senior Pedro of the Monster Loincloth’ “

During World War II, President Roosevelt took advantage of every opportunity to bed Hollywood starlets, inviting them to the White House for overnight visits. He was particularly fond of Lana Turner.  He knew she was an Anglophile and once tried to pick her up with the line, “I’ve seen Churchill Naked. You like that don’t you bitch.”

“She ran out the White House screaming.  The press hushed it up because they didn’t feel it was proper to embarrass a President during a time of war.”

President Woodrow Wilson would frequently invite female suffragettes into his office and  invite them to “go down on his 14 points”

Perhaps the most visionary Presidential sex-seeker was Andrew Jackson. Jackson, who had killed a man in a duel, anticipated Johnny Cash by 130 years by telling women that he “had shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”

Thomas Jefferson would take woman on private tours of the just-completed Executive Mansion.  When he got them alone he would talk about how he regularly slept with his female slaves.  “They’ve taught me a few things that white men don’t normally know.  I can rock your world sexually honey.  Are you interested?” 

While technically not a Democrat, George Washington is believed to have started the tradition of Presidential sex-seeking.  He would often go cruising the back alleys of Philadelphia looking for ladies of the evening.  When he found one he would take out his false teeth and ask them if they’ve “ever been gummed by the President of a Republic?”

Not wanting to be left out, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reminded reporters that Republicans, too, seek sex.

“Just the other day I showed Katie Couric the Playboy I keep in my desk and asked her if she wanted to make out.”

“It’s pathetic” said a reporter who witnessed the incident.  “The Republicans are so behind the times.”

Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States and by common consent of most cultured people, the most beautiful woman in the world, has wrapped up a successful vacation in Spain with 40 of her closest friends.

“I love Spain” said Mrs. Obama.  “The people were very nice to me.  I was surprised because the State Department had warned me about how the Spanish hate black people.  But all the Spanish people who were allowed past security I blessed and they seemed happy.”

The trip to Andalusia has helped to restore America’s tattered image in that part of the world.

Still, the trip was not without partisan-inspired criticism.  Republicans complained that in a time of recession it was unseemly for the First Lady to take an expensive vacation.

“The First Lady was personally hurt by the criticism” said a spokesman.  “Mrs. Obama’s motives for this vacation were the best.  She was trying to help a close friend through the grieving process.”

The spokesman is referring to a friend of Mrs. Obama’s who recently lost her father.  The planned trip was for her.  The spokesman then detailed the five steps of grieving:

1. Denial.  “I feel fine.  Let’s go to Spain” 
2. Anger.  “Why me?  This isn’t fair.  How about a trip to Spain?“
3. Socialized medicine.  “Buying health insurance to avoid a fine is a proven way to help with the grieving process.”
4. Vacationing in Spain.  “During the fourth stage the individual may spend most of their time crying. It has been proven that those who fly to Spain aboard Air Force One will feel better about themselves.”
5. Shutting down public beaches.  “The individual comes to terms with grief and moves on, helped by security with yellow tape who keep others away.  Sometimes a person has to be alone.”

“You see.  Everything about her trip was above board and frankly the Republicans should be ashamed of themselves for criticizing the First Lady.”

The White House has announced that Michelle Obama intends to make trips to Spain a yearly occurrence, dependent of course on someone dying first.

Two airplanes, hijacked by Muslim extremists were flown into Gracie Mansion, home of the Mayor of New York.

At 8:46 AM the first hijacked plane crashed into the north wing of Gracie Mansion.  As flames rose into the sky and firetrucks responded to the scene, Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference on the burning front porch of Gracie Mansion.

There are many rumors floating around about the possible motives of the hijacker.  I think my opponents who are blaming Muslims just need to shut the hell up.

As he finished his press conference at 9 AM a second plane crashed into the south wing of Gracie Mansion.  As jet fuel burned and office workers jumped out second story windows, some of them on fire, the FAA refused to ground flights in the New York Metropolitan area.

“By grounding flights we are sending the wrong message” said an FAA official. “It would be a victory for the racists in American society.”  

At approximately 9:30 Gracie Mansion finally collapsed, burying workers in the rubble.  First responders, including the FDNY and the NYPD moved survivors away from the rubble.  Several first responders voiced concerns that more planes might be hijacked and crashed into the area.  An incensed Mayor Bloomberg scolded them.

It’s a shame that we even have to talk about this.   We live in a free country.  If a Muslim wants to hijack a plane and fly it into building are you going to ask him, “Where do you pray?”  Whatever happened to freedom of religion in this society?  You first responders should shut up.  If you are on a plane and you see a Muslim with a box cutter murdering a flight attendant before entering the cockpit are you going to ask him “Where do you come from?  Who are your parents? Where did you get this box cutter?”  A handful of people ought to be ashamed of themselves.

As the wreckage of Gracie Mansion smoldered, military jets patrolled the air space over Manhattan and the Pentagon debated a response.  It was decided that in the event other planes were hijacked not to attempt to shoot them down.

“We don’t want to appear judgmental” said  Admiral Michael  Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Mayor Bloomberg has announced a memorial service for the hijackers who died at Gracie Mansion.

“Life is all about building bridges” said the Mayor.

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former President Bill Clinton and heir to the throne of the American elite, married her long-time boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky at the Hudson River estate of Astor Courts.

As Lord and Lady Clinton walked through the quaint village of Rhinebeck before their daughter’s wedding, royalty from Hollywood and Washington D.C., arrived and the village was placed under tight security.  The airspace over the estate was declared a no-fly zone.  The Dutchess Country Airport was locked down and the only flights allowed to land were those carrying wedding guests.

“We don’t want to inconvenience the aristocracy” said an F.A.A. official.  “I mean, it’s not like we live in a Republic.”

Residents who lived within a half-mile of the wedding had their homes razed by the Secret Service “for security reasons.”  But not to worry.  Those who found themselves newly homeless were given a bottle of wine by the Secret Service for their trouble.

As the wedding progressed amid tight security, commoners arrived to pay their respects.  Said one man:

I’ve lived on Lord Clinton’s estate for years.  He said that if I paid my respects on his daughter’s wedding day he would forgo the four fat fowl and one day’s labor a year that I owe him as part of my feudal dues.   I just wish he would forget about that whole droit de seigneur thing.  I mean I’m getting married soon too and I’d like to have my wife before he does.

A young female commoner stood behind the ropes holding a camera.

“I’m hoping to see m’lady Oprah” she said.

After the wedding, the Clintons and their guests partied on yachts on the Hudson River.  The father of the bride, Bill Clinton was last seen being escorted to a special tent that held many young virgins of the area.

A happy Clinton gave the thumbs up to reporters while saying “Droit de seigneur baby.  I love this tradition. Oh, and I’m very happy about my daughter’s wedding.  Onto the virgins!’

State troopers report that the only security breach was a local resident who was arrested while walking his dog not far from the wedding.  The resident and his dog were handcuffed and taken away for questioning.

The dog later confessed when placed upon the rack.

“Fido resisted at first” said the chief of police. “But once his cartilage started snapping he gave it up.”

Twitter has a new fan.  Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela has opened his own Twitter account to, in his own words, “further the progress of the socialist revolution.”

President Chavez’s first “tweet” was a message to his fellow citizens of Venezuela:

Your comandante speaks to you brothers! We will fight for the socialist revolution.  Do you smell sulfer?  The Devil George Bush is here!

From that first humble tweet Chavez has begun to regularly use his twitter account to broadcast messages, sometimes up to 25 or 30 times a day.  The following are just a few samples of his tweets.

Oliver Stone dropped by the Presidential Palace today to have lunch.  Nice guy though I’ve never seen one of his movies.  I asked him if I could get Leonardo DiCaprio’s autograph.

Rented the Twilight DVD.  Vampires rule!  Must remember to suppress dissent.

OMG!  OMG OMG OMG!  Angelina Jolie is here.  I’m so excited.  What a hottie!  I hope I can get to kiss her. Do you smell sulfur?  George Bush is the Devil!

I shut down an opposition TV station today that was saying bad things about me.  People suck!  Why doesn’t Angelina Jolie call?  I hope she didn’t notice my pimple.   I feel fat.

It’s Friday night.  Anyone want to get together?  I have beer at the mansion.  We can watch TV and play Twister.  George Bush is the Devil.

Spent all day in bed eating potato chips.  The other countries don’t like me.  They laugh at me and call me names.  No one understands me and sometimes I just feel like crying.  Mobilized army today.  Let’s see Columbia laugh at me now!

Big dance this Saturday night.  I want to ask Marisol to go with me but every time I pick up the phone I get nervous and hang up.  My skin is breaking out again.  Che was right. Factories are schools to educate a new socialist society!   Phone just started ringing.  I hope it’s Marisol.

The New York Times recently examined Chavez’s tweets and called it an exciting development for Democracy.

“It shows what a committed leader can do to stay in touch with his constituents.  Why doesn’t President Obama have a Twitter account? Do you smell sulfur?  I feel fat.“