Manhattan Infidel

Today after traveling to a remote town in Egypt to apologize to a local farmer for the death of his donkey, “A tragedy and I’m sorry”, President Barack Obama realized that he had in fact apologized to every last person on Earth.  After an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever the President decided to implement “Plan B.”

The Plan B protocol authorizes the President “in the unlikely event that he or she has apologized to every living person on Earth to continue just making shit up as he or she goes along.”

Responding to criticism Administration officials pointed out that apologizing is a time-honored Presidential perk and offered examples from the past: Thomas Jefferson’s apology to his slaves that he hadn’t slept with yet, “I must spread the wealth around”, FDRs apology for trying to pack the Supreme Court, “Whoops - my bad” and Bill Clinton’s apology for his extramarital affairs “I thought she was 18.” Administration officials also pointed out that President Obama’s use of the Plan B protocol is in keeping with the President’s inclusive policies.  “The President will be expanding the definition of what the U.S. has to apologize for.”

President Obama seemed to relish the freedom offered by Plan B and immediately launched into a list of apologies.

“I want to apologize to the former citizens of the former planet of Krypton.  Obviously if the United States hadn’t been so arrogant and insular we might have prevented that catastrophe. I want to apologize to the fans of Bewitched for the Dick Sargent years.  I want to apologize for the sinking of the Titanic.  U.S. carbon fuel consumption caused the global warming which broke up the ice pack, sending a rogue iceberg on a collision course with that doomed ship.  I want to apologize for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul.  My administration would have handled events differently.”

From his seat behind the podium where the President was speaking, Vice President Joe Biden beamed and told those around him, “Look at him go!  He’s really winging it.  I couldn’t have done any better.”

After finishing with his apologies Present Obama  gave his interpretation of the powers granted to him by the Plan B protocol.

“Plan B gives the President unlimited power to proclaim anything he wants.  From now on all suspension bridges must be made of bubble gum.   Montana will be renamed ‘Planet Claire.’  All fish in the Atlantic Ocean will have to wear glasses like Don Knotts did in ‘The Incredible  Mr. Limpet.’  Underwear will be made of tobacco and tobacco by-products.”

On Capitol Hill, congressional Republicans stated their dismay at the President’s plans.  Senator Mitch McConnell  of Kentucky angrily told reporters that he considered himself stabbed in the back.

“I though the President had agreed with us that Montana will be renamed ‘Dance This Mess Around.’

President Obama announced that he intends to implement his plans regardless of McConnell’s objections.

Earth Hour was intended to highlight the problem of global warming.  What it did instead was lead to a rise in criminal activity  throughout our area (with the notable exception of the heavily Italian section of Todt Hill in Staten Island).

At precisely 8:30 PM local time lights went out throughout the New York City.  Unfortunately in a bit of bad planning by organizers traffic lights were included.  Within seconds Manhattan was a scene of carnage and twisted steel as cars rammed into each other.  Police were at a loss for words.

“One car rear ends a car which is the plowed into by another car. Cars were piled up on top of each other.  Survivors were trying to crawl from the wreckage only to be picked off by still more cars.  It was like I was on the New Jersey Turnpike” says Officer Julio Rodriguez of the 13th Precinct.

After a few minutes when the last car left undamaged in the City was destroyed came the 2nd phase of the hour:  widespread looting and destruction of property.  Bands of thugs, murderers, rapists, and independent contractors roamed the streets picking off targets.  Jewelry was ripped off women.  Ipods were brutally snatched from hands. Laptops were taken, sometimes with stubborn owners still clinging to the carrying case.  One man had his wife stolen, though oddly he declined to press charges.

Many who thought that it could not get worse were horrified at the 3rd phase of the hour as in the darkness of Manhattan city streets turned into a giant groping festival.  Screams of horror rent the night as fondled and abused women ran for safety.  Bridges were clogged when women fleeing to the outer boroughs collided with middle aged white men desperately trying to get into Manhattan to join the action. The night’s low point however had to be when a man walking his white pit bull down 3rd avenue reported that it too was fondled.

“What sort of sick twisted individual gets his kicks from molesting a dog” cried the owner.  Speaking through interpreters, the pit bull said “I felt violated.  I felt humiliated.  I want it to happen again.”

New York City was not alone in its carnage.  In Paris the Eiffel Tower was stolen.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy said “We turn out zee the lights and poof!  Zee tower is gone.  We blame zee Germans.  We have given them 24  hours to return zee tower.  Then we will give them another 24 hours.  After that we will surrender.”

Precisely an hour later lights were turned back on throughout the City revealing scenes of carnage that horrified residents:  Overturned cars, buildings on fire, gangs roaming the streets.  “You would have though the Detroit Pistons won another championship” said one witness.

Mayor Bloomberg after touring the devasted city announced a 6,000 percent sin tax on Starbucks Coffee and the Sunday New York Times which he hopes will cover the damages.

This did not stop the local head of the World Wildlife Fund, which sponsored Earth Hour to declare the event a giant success.

“Next year we intend to expand it to ‘Earth Week’ “ he said.  However, shortly after announcing this members from the Todt Hill Social Club  interrupted the press conference, grabbed the WWF leader and placed him in a black car and drove off to Staten Island.  He has never been seen again.

A spokesman for the social club said “We have no idea what you are talking about.  We have never even seen the leader of the World Wildlife Fund.  Now why don’t you be a good boy and mind your own business?”

A meteor set to collide with Earth veered off course at the last moment and continued towards the Sun.  The meteor, named X-43 by scientists who have been tracking it for months came within a few hundred miles of entering Earth’s atmosphere.

“One of this size could have destroyed thousands of square miles.  If it had hit a populated industrialized area the effect on the world economy could have been devastating” according to Dr. Robert Thomson of NASA.  “Fortunately we took a look at its trajectory and the most likely point of impact was upstate New York.”

There are many theories as to why Earth came so close to destruction but the most popular seems to be global warming.

Al Gore who was traveling to a Green Earth conference at Robert Redford’s Sundance Resort spoke to reporters from his airplane.  “Obviously this meteor almost hit Earth because of  carbon dioxide expelled into the atmosphere by humans.  If only we had passed the Kyoto Protocol!” declared the former Vice President.  When told that there is no evidence that global warming causes meteor showers, Gore said “Did I mention that my plane is painted white.  That way the inside won’t get as hot. I also have the air conditioner set to 70 not 65.  I’m saving the environment as we speak.”

From Chicago talk show host Oprah Winfrey agreed with Gore.  “We have to do something about carbon emissions if we want to save this planet or we will continue to have close calls like this.”  She then surprised her audience with brand new SUVs.

From Hollywood Leonardo DiCaprio and Ed Wood praised President Obama’s leadership during the meteor crisis.  “A righteous wind from DC kept us safe.”

However, not all were happy that the collision did not take place.  As one mayor of a small town near the projected ground zero told reporters “This would have been the most exciting thing to happen in this area since Greg Allman destroyed a hotel room in Oswego in 1981……seriously….nothing much happens up here…..nothing whatsover but snow.  Lots of it.  We’re kind of bored.”

As for meteor X-43 he said “Hey, I’m just crusing through the solar system minding my own business when I see Earth.  She says ‘Come on over.  Maybe we can get together’.  When I got closer I notice that she’s Mother Earth and sorry but I’m not into MILFs.  I want someone a little younger.”

When last seen X-43 was trying to pick up Venus.

In a historic move, scientists from around the globe met for a conference on global warming held on Mars.

“We are on Mars to highlight the danger of global warming, not only on Earth but throughtout the universe”, declared Dr. Ludwig Von Stuucker of the research center, “Scientists with White Lab Coats”.

After a 3-month journey from Earth where 40 Saturn rockets took off simultaneously from 15 different countries, “It was tremendous.  You could see the smoke from space.  We had to  put a hold on windmill research to gather up that much liquid hydrogen” the scientists landed on Mars and immediately held a press conference.

“I hold in my hand the latest temperature readouts from this beautiful planet.  The temperature has risen to almost 20 degrees below zero and continues to rise.  If this keeps up, Mars will become habitable for human life and we want to keep it the pristine wilderness it is.  Look at  this place - it’s beautiful”  said Dr. Stuucker before a gust of supercharged  Martian wind blew off his oxygen mask and he had to scramble to put it back on.

He then released a polar bear that had been brought along. “Do you see how this bear reacts?  He doesn’t see any ice caps and to him this is now normal.”  The bear himself seemed startled by the press and photographers and finally chewed off his oxygen mask before attacking and eating a reporter.

“That’s what global, no, universal, warming does.  It leads to death and destruction.  When we get back to Earth we plan to ask for 3 trillion dollars to build a series of ‘global warming’ stations in third world countries that will teach local inhabitants about the dangers of dependency of fossil fuels.”

Due to lack of oxygen reserves, scientists reporters and photographers scrambled aboard their ships where the conference continued.

“In order to make this trip environmentally friendly I am now going to release the fuel that we were going to use to get back to Earth.  The trip back will be made entirely on wind power” Stuucker said to applause from his fellow scientists.

This announcement started a riot as several reporters attacked the scientists while shouting “you’ve doomed us all!”

Contact with the group was lost shortly after that.

Since Sunday’s Oscar ceremony sea levels have risen an astounding 25%  according to the government agency, “Scientists with Expensive Grants.”

“We’ve never seen anything like this.” declares Hugo Nielson, head of the institute.  “Already Iceland, Greenland and Fenway Park are under water.  If this keeps up soon everything except the top of  Patrick Stewart’s head will be gone.”

At first scientists were unable to locate the source of the rise in sea levels.  “We thought maybe it was the release of gases caused by severe indigestion at Arby’s but soon realized the cause must lie elswhere.”

Experts were able to pinpoint the exact moment sea levels began to rise - the start of the Oscar telecast.

“We found that it was the hot air escaping from the actors.  When Bill Maher was on stage Greenland was inundated with tsunamis.”

Scientists are predicting that next year’s Oscars may lead the the demise of life as we know it.  But all is not lost.

“If  somehow we can capture the hot air  from Hollywood and  recycle it we can make the world a much better place.  Why with the air from the Oscars alone we could increase the standard of living in Darfur to something approximating Camden, New Jersey.”

With just such a thought in mind the Scientists with Expensive Grants are working on an antiglobal warming device that they have high hopes for.  The “antiglobal warming thingie” will be placed around an actor’s mouth.  As he exhales, the device will expand as hot air is captured.   When the device is full, the end will be tied off.

“We’ve already made one prototype that cost $1.3 billion but with continued research and production can reduce the cost to $850 million per device.”

The Senate is expected to take up the issue of mass production of these devices next week.  According to Majority Leader Harry Reid, “If this works it has the potential to be the most transformational event in modern history since that guy on ‘Bewitched’ was replaced by the other guy.”