Manhattan Infidel

A newly released study on global warming has found that during Summer months temperatures experience an alarming increase.

“This is proof of anthropogenic global warming.”

The study recommends that during critical Summer months, “when man’s activities seriously threaten Sacred Mother Earth” a panel of experts, “perhaps under the guidance of the United Nations or Al Gore or other reputable Washington politicians” be convened to monitor the carbon footprint of all citizens of the United States.

Among the study’s other recommendations:

1. Summer, if possible should be banned.  If this is deemed inexpedient Summer will be renamed “Global Warming Proof Season”;
   
2. Since it has been proven that large people use more energy, all people over 6 feet tall will be banned;
3. Air conditioners will be banned except in Federal offices and the homes of Congressmen and Senators;
4. During peak temperatures, citizens will be advised not to evacuate their bowels but “hold it until October”;
5. The rock group U2 will be given a private jet to fly around the world so Bono can lecture citizens on the need to reduce their carbon footprint;
6. The Southern Hemisphere, which experiences Winter and cooler temperatures during July and August will be advised to “warm up and verify our findings or Bono will chastise you”;
7. During Summer, all citizens must spend an hour a day naked and face down on the ground to “symbolize humility and regret over the role humanity plays in climate change”;
8. It is theorized that the sunglasses David Caruso wears on CSI: Miami act as a convergence point for heat.  Hence, his glasses will be banned.  Also, he will have to shave his head since “red is a hot color”
9. All trees will be chopped down.  “C’mon.  Didn’t you see ‘The Happening’?  Trees are out to kill us:”;
10. Lutherans will be banned.  “We think there is a connection between global warming and Lutheran activity. We don’t know how it’s done scientifically, but our findings are never wrong.”

Upon being presented with the study’s findings, President Obama ordered a “1000 year moratorium” on offshore oil drilling.  He also banned car travel and announced that henceforth the only acceptable mode of transportation will be foot travel.  To demonstrate his sincerity he walked from the West Wing to the second floor of the White House to personally raise the thermostat to 65 degrees.

“We must work together to heal our planet.  We are the people we have been waiting for.  Now is the time the Earth heals and sea levels stop rising. Now is the time - oh crap it’s my wife.  If she asks no one’s seen me.”

President Obama then departed to a secret underground bunker.

Al and Tipper Gore have announced that their 40-year marriage will be ending. “After a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate” they wrote in a statement released to the press.

Friends and relatives were shocked by the announcement as they saw no trouble in the relationship. However, Mr. Gore has reportedly told political allies that he had to leave his wife to “save the planet.”

“The heat generated from our super sexually charged relationship was causing climate change.  Sea levels were rising.  Ice caps were melting.  Polar bears were drowning.  I have dedicated my life to fighting climate change. I could not stand by and let another polar bear drown just so I could see Tipper in her french maid outfit one more time” said Mr. Gore.

Gore’s explanation for his separation from his wife brings to mind the famous “kiss” from the 2000 Democratic Convention.

“During that kiss I witnessed an untamed sexual passion that I haven’t seen since that video Mick Jagger and David Bowie did together for Dancing in the Street” said a Democratic Party representative who was present at the convention.

In a follow up statement Mr. Gore said “There were only two things I could do to save the planet.  Leave my wife or reduce energy consumption at my Tennessee estate.  What would you do?”

Throughout the United States men contemplating leaving their wives have been given hope by Gore’s announcement.  Divorce lawyers are reporting that “a desire to stop climate change and to save the planet” has replaced “a desire to shack up with my 25-year old secretary” as the number one reason men are now leaving their wives.

Following in Gore’s wake, several states have introduced bills in their legislatures adding “climate change” to their lists of valid reasons for a divorce.

Former President Bill Clinton when asked about the breakup said, “This is a man who is leaving his wife.  I love this man.”

From his home in North Carolina, disgraced former Presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters, “Damn, Gore’s good.  I wish I had thought of that.”

Polar bears could not be reached for comment though it is expected they will support Mr. Gore’s decision.

Stung by revelations of chicanery in the presentation of anthropogenic global warming data, former Vice President Al Gore is sticking to his guns.  AGW is a scientific fact, says Gore.  The debate is over.

“However, I may have been mistaken on the cause of global warming” says the ever humble Gore.  “After further review of the scientific data I am now convinced that AGW is caused by rogue chariots flying too close to the Sun.”

Gore presented his finding during an appearance on a Larry King show that also featured Balloon Boy’s father and John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter.

“If you look at my PowerPoint presentation it shows that the Earth’s temperature spiked at the same time that Phaethon drove his father’s chariot across the sky.  Let this be a warning to all fathers.  Never let your son drive your chariot or car.  They might end up scorching the Earth and destroying all life or they might get arrested for speeding and drug possession.”

Gore then spent the next half hour explaining the facts behind his chariot hypothesis.

“Phaethon ignored his father Apollo’s words and did not steer a middle course through the sky with his chariot.  The ice caps melted, Eskimos sweated in the heat and the polar bears, my god the poor polar bears drowned.  Mountains, plateaus and plains burst into fire. Fields turned into ashes.  Forests and mountains fed each others flame.  The Sahara, once a beautiful rain forest became an inhospitable desert.  Just look at the graphics on page 12 of my presentation.  What do you see?  The Earth on fire.  It will happen again unless the nations of the Earth pass strict chariot control laws.  This is the only way to stop climate change.  I am confident that President Obama will lead the way.”

King then asked Gore if Balloon Boy’s flight might lead to drastic global warming.

“If he had gotten close enough to the Sun the answer is yes.  He’d have to be shot down before the ice caps melted.”

This brought a sharp response from Balloon Boy’s father.

“For the love of God it is not my son’s fault.  This is just a hoax.  Global warming I mean.  Not my son being unfortunately trapped in a runaway balloon that had the world glued to their TVs while I shopped a new reality show I’m working on.”

Rielle Hunter asked Gore if John Edwards could be contributing to global warming.

“I mean Johnny’s sooooo hot!”

Gore denied it, stating that Edwards’ hotness was most likely a result of global warming and not a contributing factor.

King thanked his three guests and reminded viewers to watch tomorrow night’s show “which will feature North Korean President Kim Jong-il and a reunion of the cast of CPO Sharkey.”

Scientists drilling into a mile-deep remote glacier in the State of Tennessee have discovered what is apparently the body of Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States from 1993-2001.

“Because of the cold the body was well-preserved.  We didn’t know who it was at first”  said a scientist.  “Finally we checked his wallet and the I.D. said it was Al Gore.  Then we had to Google who Al Gore was.”

Al Gore, today mostly forgotten, was at one time a well-known pubic figure, the 45th Vice President of the United States and a proponent of the controversial and discredited theory of anthropogenic global warming.  At the height of his popularity Mr. Gore even won an Oscar for his film ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’  That Oscar was rescinded by the Academy after the record winter of 2011 when 56 inches of snow were dumped on Los Angeles.

Gore’s body was found huddled in the basement with several others.  Two have been identified:  Former teen heartthrob Leonardo Dicaprio and NASA Chief Climate Scientist James Hansen.  Next to the bodies was a sizeable pile of coal.

“We think they were trying to use the coal as a last ditch effort to warm themselves.”

Also recovered was Mr. Gore’s laptop.  Analysis of the computer reveals that in the days before his death Gore had visited many carbon credit websites.  Scientists are still debating exactly what a carbon credit is but many theorize it was either a religious talisman or a Japanese porn star.

In Gore’s hand scientists found a piece of paper with the following written on it:

I believe in global warming

I believe in carbon credits - the only way to prevent global warming

Those who do not buy carbon credits will be judged by the living and the dead

I believe in rising sea levels and the drowning of polar bears

Amen.  Please donate to one of my carbon credit foundations.

“We believe it was a prayer of some sort and have dubbed it the ‘global warming creed.’   Ironically if they had only used a diesel-powered snow blower they would have all survived.”

In related news Tennessee has announced that its economy has grown for a record 60th quarter in a row, due largely to the influx of skiers during the winter months.

“Global cooling has been a boon to our economy” said Tennessee’s Governor.

Several world leaders, including President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Danish Prime Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have vowed to take drastic steps to stop anthropogenic global warming, including taxing, fining or destroying the Sun.

“Every day and in every way our dear, sacred mother Earth is under attack” said President Obama.  “Greenhouse gas emissions are warming our planet to the point where soon island nations may be under water forever. Our coastal cities will be flooded.  Seas will become angry my friends.  And since the Republicans in Congress, in direct opposition to the rest of the civilized world, refuse to stop greenhouse gas emissions I have no choice but to go after the Sun.”

President Obama, with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at his side, announced a series of sanctions against the Sun.

The Sun will have until June 1st to end its “terroristic global warming ways.”  If, after June 1st, the Sun refuses to play ball President Obama has ordered NASA to “shoot the Sun out of the sky.”

“I consider the Sun a friend” said Nancy Pelosi.  “Many of my friends like the Sun.  But the Republicans leave us no choice.  They seem to like fossil fuels.  They do not care about rising seas.  They do not care about the lives of thousands of peoples of color on island nations. ”

After Speaker Pelosi made her remarks President Obama closed the press conference by stating that “Americans are an insular bunch of people.  Many cling to  religion and guns and fossil fuels.  If only our population was as intelligent as Europe!”

He then announced that on June 2nd, “unless Republicans relent and pass cap and trade legislation” NASA will fire rockets at the Sun with the intent of ending its reign of terror.

From Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the Sun “a Zionist symbol and an enemy of Islam.”  Not wanting infidels to take credit for destroying the Sun Ahmadinejad has dispatched several of Iran’s top underwear bombers.

“May Allah blow their pants up.  May Allah blow the Sun up.”

The Sun could not be reached for comment though a spokesperson for the Sun said, “You think Earth is the only planet that can be warmed by us?  Well good luck to you but right now Mars is looking pretty damn good to us.”

From the recently completed climate summit in Copenhagen came word that a consensus has been reached:  In order to save Mother Earth, dogs must go.

“The carbon footprint of the average dog is morally unsustainable” says a leading environmentalist.  With the footprint of a dog estimated to be 2.07 acres, the planet is in dire jeopardy of soon becoming unsustainable to all life if pets continue to roam free.

With this doomsday scenario in mind, conference delegates signed a nonbinding agreement to eliminate all dogs and cats by the year 2014.

First to put his words into action was ecowarrior Gordon Brown of Great Britain, who returned to 10 Downing Street and shot his dog, Mr. Bojangles, in the back of the head.

Prime Minister Brown released a statement that said, “Mr. Bojangles and I shared a deep love of  Mother Earth.  He knew his death would help save our planet and he happily offered himself up as a sacrifice.”  He further announced that Mr. Bojangles’ remains, as well as the remains of all dogs who are killed, would be recycled at special “Soylent Green” plants throughout the United Kingdom and sold to developing countries as “green-friendly food for the poor.”

There are holdouts however.  Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen vowed not to shoot his dog, Big Fella, until “the damn British give us our six counties back, or until Bono shuts the hell up.  Whichever happens first.”

In Washington D.C., President Obama’s dog Bo told reporters, “Oh come on.  You’re joking right?  First I lose my testicles then they want to shoot me in the back of the head?  That does it, I’m humping a leg.”

Americans will soon receive in the mail a pamphlet, “50 Ways to Shoot your Dog” with a foreword by Paul Simon.

Those who do not wish to shoot their canine friends will still have the so-called Nuclear Option:  Detroit will be sealed off with barbed wire and declared a “Canine Sanctuary Zone.”

“We understand that it will be difficult for Americans, particularly Red State Americans who do not care for Mother Earth, to part with their dogs.  That is why we are offering the Detroit option” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “All they have to do is drop their dogs off in Detroit.”

When word of the nuclear option was first leaked, many dogs took to borrowing their master’s guns and shooting themselves.  One distraught former dog owner recounts coming home from work and finding his dog lying next to his gun.  The dog had left a suicide note that read, “Detroit?  Seriously?  Ruff Ruff.  Sniff.  Ruff. Ruff.  Tell my bitch I love her.”

“Change is always painful” said President Obama.  “But I’m confident that all Americans will do their part to save our planet.”

To fight the scourge of man-made global warming, several countries have announced that New Year’s celebrations will have low carbon footprint, environmentally friendly themes.

Nowhere is this more evident that in perhaps the most famous of New Year’s Eve locations, Times Square in New York City.  Normally a sea of artificial light this year all power in Times Square will be turned off at 11:50 PM and the intersection will be plunged into total darkness.

“We feel that doing this will symbolize New York’s commitment to saving the planet.  Also, the total darkness thing might make it easier for me to cop a feel” said an organizer.

The famous ball dropped from Times Square will also be dark.  Normally the ball is dropped slowly in a controlled descent but since there is no electricity this year the ball will drop at a much faster rate of speed.

“We tested this out a few times and ended up crushing a few workers to death.  Yes, a tragedy but it’s all for the greater good.  Also, the ball might have a tendency to roll up Broadway so we ask the millions packed into the street to just get out of the way.”

In Sidney, Australia, to demontrate the danger of rising sea levels, city fathers have hired Hollywood Director James Cameron to use his special effects wizardry to stage a tsunami at midnight.

“It’s going to be spectacular.  Millions at the water’s edge will get a fantastic view of a blue curtain of water crashing down on them” said a city spokesperson.

Those attending the event are advised to bring a snorkel and fins.  But not to worry.  People who cannot swim will be directed to one of the many ushers in attendance holding “How may I assist you?” signs.

“Those who are drowning are asked to raise their hands and an usher will help you.  Those who are already drowned will be directed to an afterlife counselor.”

And it’s not just big cities getting into the act.  Poughkeepsie, New York will feature an adaptation of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman called “Death of a Polar Bear.”

“We may be a small city but we are quite crazy too”  said Poughkeepsie’s Mayor,  John C. Tkazyik.

All in all, this year’s celebrations promise to be the most environmentally friendly ones since the discovery of electricity.

Tragedy struck the world today as Al Gore was attacked by polar bears and consumed in front of a shocked audience.

Mr. Gore was on stage at a symposium in Copenhagen and giving a speech entitled “The Seas are Rising:  Give me Money” when three polar bears burst into the room and ran straight for the stage.  They pinned Gore down and while two proceeded to tear at his flesh a third stood on his hind legs at the podium, placed glasses on his nose and read the following statement:

“We, the polar bears of the world are tired of being used for propaganda purposes.  Imagine if you will you are resting on an iceberg and getting a little Sun.  Your picture is taken and suddenly you are in newspapers across the globe.  ‘Poor Polar Bear Watches Habitat Melt’ says the headline.  Your privacy is gone.  Phototographers are now always following you around and trying to snap more photos of you in your most vulnerable moments.  How would you like your photo taken when you’re mounting the Mrs?  You take away a polar bear’s dignity you are asking for trouble.  Thank you.  Now if you excuse me I have to eat a politician.

And with that the third bear stepped down from the podium and joined his colleagues in the Gorefest.  Reaction in the hall ran from confusion,  “Is it the Edgar Winter group?” to surprise,  “When the polar bear put on his glasses and started reading his statement I was shocked.  You don’t often see polar bears standing on their hind legs.”

The bears started with Mr. Gore’s torso, tearing it open with their powerful paws and using their long snouts to poke inside.  Then the legs were ripped free and consumed.

A few brave photographers tried to snap photos of the atrocity but were warned by the bears.  “Hey, what did we just tell you?  Give us our dignity back. No photos!” said one bear.

When the bears had finished eating all that was left was Gore’s head, which one bear balanced on top of him and paraded around the room saying “The center of the Earth is 6 million degrees Fahrenheit……no wait, 8 million degrees Fahrenheit.”

And as soon as it began it was over.  The bears left peacefully, one even telling reporters “You’ve been a great audience.   Hey, what does a polar bear do for fun in Copenhagen?  Where do the female bears hang out?”

President Obama, when informed of the tragedy, expressed shock and sadness.

“Michelle and I are deeply saddened by today’s events.  Have you seen my new medal?“

 A reading from the Gospel of Al Gore:

And it came to pass when Al Gore had finished that he said to his disciples “You know that after two days I will be delivered up to those who deny the scientific truth of global warming.”Now on the first day of the global warming conference in Copenhagen the disciples came to Al Gore and said, “Where dost thou want us to prepare for thee to eat a cheeseburger or two?”  But Al Gore saith “Go into the city, to a McDonald’s and say “Al Gore says My time is near at hand;  at this McDonald’s I am celebrating thy global warming conference.”

Then a reporter from Fox went to the those who deny global warming and saith to them, “What are you willing to give me for delivering him to you?” But they assigned him the carcass of a polar bear who drowneth in rising seas.  And from then on he sought an opportunity to betray him. 

Now when evening had arrived he reclined at the counter with his disciples including Leonardo DiCaprio.  And while they were eating he saith, “Amen I say to you, one of you will betray me.”  And being much saddened they began each to say, “Is it I, Mr. Gore?”  But he answered and saith “He who dips his hand into the ranch sauce for the Chicken McNuggets with me, he will betray me.”

And while they were at McDonald’s Al Gore took a McNugget and blessed and broke, and gave it to his disciples and said “Take and eat; this is my body.” And taking the Diet Coke he gave thanks and gave it to them, saying “All of you drink of this; for this is my blood of the new global warming covenant, which is being shed for many unto the forgiveness of their carbon footprint.  But I say unto you, I will not drink of this Diet Coke henceforth until that day when I shall drink it with you in the presence of President Obama.”

And after reciting a Bruce Springsteen song, I don’t remember which one but I think it was ‘Thunder Road’, they left the McDonalds.  Then Al Gore saith unto them, ‘You will all be scandalized this night because of me; for it is written, ‘I will leak emails exposing unethical scientists who invent data to support their grants, and the global warming flock will be scattered.’ But after I have finished another couple burgers at another restaurant along the way I will go before you unto the City.”

Here endeth the Gospel reading from Al Gore.

 65 Billion B.C. (or is that B.C.E.)

A conference of  dinosaurs today concluded that the Earth is “dangerously close to brink of being unsustainable to all life” and recommended drastic dietary and lifestyle changes.

The global warming conference was heavily attended by dinosaurs from throughout the world.  The conference opened with an address by the leading proponent of dinosaur-made global warming, a Brontosaurus from the North American Continent.

“If we do not make changes to our lifestyle dinosaurs run the risk of going the way of the pelycosaurs, archosaurs and therapsids.  We have grown accustomed to our advanced way of life but we must make these changes.  The science is irrefutable.  The debate is over.”

Those changes include diapers to be worn by all meat-eating dinosaurs.  This brought cries of outrage from the meat-eating dinosaurs in attendance who wondered why they were being singled out.

“I’m a vegan” explained the Brontosaurus. “My vegan diet leads to vegan waste which nourishes the Earth.  Your meat-eating diet lead to waste matter that fouls the Earth.”

It was then explained that meat-eating dinosaurs that did not wish to change their diet would be given an opportunity to buy “diaper credits.”  Under the system of diaper credits their diet would not be held against them as their purchased credits will enable the planting of gardens throughout the globe, leading to a reduction in global warming and incentives for meat-eaters to become vegans.

It was then time for a Tyrannosaurus to address the conference.  He began his speech by questioning the science of the brontosaurus.  His speech was drowned out however by brontosaurus protesters who held up signs saying “Tyrannosaurus = Tyranny” and “T-racist.”

The conference ended when a meteor was seen in the sky.

“Well there goes the neighborhood” said a T. Rex.  “Screw diaper credits I’m going out in style.”

He then plunged his foot-long teeth into the neck of a brontosaurus.