Manhattan Infidel

Astronomers at NASA announced today that they have found a wormhole.  This would be the first known physical verification of the long-hypothesized phenomenon.

“We were excited at first to discover the wormhole” said one scientist.  “Because frankly we’ve been bored lately.  We haven’t been doing much at NASA except helping Muslims improve their self-esteem.  So when we found this it was great.”

Their joy soon turned to disgust when they found that the wormhole was filled with nothing but worms.

“We were expecting time travel, faster than light travel.  Instead all we got were millions, billions of slimy, creepy, crawling worms. It’s giving us all nightmares.”

Still astronomers at NASA are counting their blessings.

It wasn’t as bad as the time we discovered the skanky prostitute vagina hole.  That gave us pause.  I mean none of us could look at our wives after that.  And don’t get us started about time we discovered the Rosie O’Donnell unwashed armpit on a Summer day after she’s been doing manual labor hole. That made us vomit. Or the time we discovered the View hole.  That’s an entire hole in the space time continuum that shows nothing but repeats of the View.  Now we know what hell looks like.

Given their disappointments over their recent findings many astronomers are beginning to question the validity of astronomy and physics.

“I’m afraid of what we’re going to find next.  Many of us don’t even bother to bathe anymore.  What’s the point.”

Accordingly NASA has announced that it will no longer look into space.

“NASA will now become a reality show.  We’re hoping to the Hulk Hogan, the Gotti’s and the Kardashian’s aboard.”

In a related note, Virgin Atlantic has announced that tours to the Rosie O’Donnell unwashed armpit on a summer day after she’s been doing manual labor hole will be available in the Spring of 2012.

In the wake of last month’s storming of the English  British Embassy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has issued an emergency plea for more flags from western countries (specifically the United States and Great Britain.)

Speaking in front of a specially-called emergency session of the Iranian Parliament, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei (pictured here)  begged the world for more western flags.

We enjoy storming the embassies of the great western satans.  We enjoy rioting against the great western satans.   But we have used up our supply of western flags to burn.  We are all out of American and English, I mean British, flags. Our strategic reserve of western flags has been used up.  If we do  not find more western flags we will be unable to riot and storm.  And then our economy will be in shambles.  It is imperative that we reach out to the west and ask them to send us their flags.  And no, I am not Ed Asner.  Stop asking me for Mary Tyler Moore’s autograph.

Immediately after Ed Asner’s, I mean Ali Khamenei’s plea for western flags the world sprang into action.  President Obama (pictured here) asked Congress to send a supply to Iran.

The Iranian people are destitute.  With no flags a famine is inevitable.  I ask all Americans to send their flags to Iran. It’s the humane thing to do.  But will we?  I don’t know. We are lazy.  Shiftless.  Stupid.  Bitter and clinging.  No.  The Iranians will probably starve.  I’d like to apologize in advance for their soon-to-be famine.  But we have one last hope.  I call upon Mary Tyler Moore to use her resources to round up any American and English, I mean British, flag she can find and send them to her old friend and co-worker Ed Asner.

The European Central Bank and the Federal Reserve have both issued warnings that the Iranian economy will collapse without any western flags to burn.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke (pictured here) told reporters that he is personally prepared to fly to Iran “with any flags Mary Tyler Moore assembles” to forestall worldwide economic collapse.

In related news, a large fire has been reported on the lawn of veteran character actor Ed Asner (pictured here). Said Asner, “I’m just burning some flags.”

NOTE:   The Manhattan Infidel would like to issue an apology for any factual errors in this story.

Former Governor and Senator from New Jersey and head of the now-bankrupt  MF global, Jon Corzine recently sat down with me for an exclusive interview.   Among the topics of conversation:  How could MF Global have gone bankrupt?  Were no lessons learned from the 2008 financial meltdown? As we walked down Broadway on a brisk December afternoon we stopped by a hot dog vendor.

JC:  Two dogs please.

MI:  Put relish on mine.

JC:  Two dogs, one with relish. [Receives hot dogs from vendor.]  Thank you.

MI:  As I was saying many people wonder how MF Global could go bankrupt.

JC:  It’s a complicated process.

MI:  Where’s my hot dog?

JC:  What?

MI:  You asked for two hot dogs.  He gave you two hot dogs.  Where’s mine?  Did you eat my hot dog?

JC:  I have no idea where your hot dog went.  I honestly, sincerely have no idea where it went.

MI:  You ate my hot dog!

JC:  I an neither confirm or deny this.  All I know for sure is it’s gone.

MI:  I’m sorry.  I guess I’m just being jumpy, what with the economy and all.  But that brings me back to my original question.  What happened at MF Global?  It is now estimated that over one billion dollars is missing.  How can one billion go missing?

JC:  Well, let me just postulate.  And without saying this happened.  Let’s say a beloved ex- senator and governor had an addiction to gambling.  He might take a gamble on say, European debt.  Buying up tons of European debt on little to no margin.  Or let’s say a beloved ex- senator and governor took a couple million down to the track and bet on a 100 to 1 long shot.  Well, these things happen don’t they?  And obviously any missing money that results would be the fault of congressional Republicans.

MI:  Oh come on.  You don’t obviously expect the public to - hey, what the?

JC:  What’s wrong?

MI:  My wallet.  My wallet is missing.  Did you take my wallet?

JC:  I have no idea where your wallet is. Your driver’s license photo is really awful.

MI:  How would you know that unless - hey!  What the -

JC:  Something wrong?

MI:  What happened to my shirt?  I was wearing a shirt. It’s gone.

JC:  I have no idea where your shirt is.

MI:  Well if you say you have no idea I gues - hey, what the?

JC:  Yes?

MI:  My pants.  I was wearing pants.  Where’d they go?

JC:  I have no idea where your pants went.  Well I’m off to the racetrack.

MI:  Wait.  You just can’t leave me here without a shirt, pants or wallet!

JC:  I have lots of friends at the Fed.  They might be able to help you.  Bye.

And so ended my interview with former senator and governor Jon Corzine.  I’m still waiting to hear from someone at the Fed.

In my continuing series of posts designed to better the lives of my readers I now present your daily horoscope.  Yes, I know that I don’t have to better the lives of my readers but I consider it my duty.  And all my readers have to do in return is send me photos of Olivia Wilde. They can be photoshopped.  She can be naked.  But the important thing is:  photos of Olivia Wilde.      

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

Your energy levels are very high.  Almost as high as you are.  Your drug addiction has cost you your job and family.  Now divorced and friendless you spend most of your time in a lawn chair in your front yard wearing nothing but tighty whities and shouting, “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” Your lucky number is seven which coincidentally is the same number of bags of cocaine you have you in your house.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22 - JAN 20)

You are very popular.  Everyone at the “Home” likes you.  You are so popular in fact that the nurses have made you a “trustee” enabling you to move around the grounds without your ankle monitoring bracelet.  You even get to choose the time you want to take your “medication.”  The nurses only concern is that sometimes you like to hang out on the front lawn and shout “Hey you kids get off my lawn.  Except for you.  You’re attractive and I’ve never known the touch of a woman.”

AQUARIUS (JAN 21 - FEB 19)

You prefer to be blunt and honest with people, like the time you told police to come back with a warrant before they search your house because you “need time to move the bodies.”  Or the time you told the judge at your trial “Temporary insanity?  Please I knew what I was doing.”  Or the time you told the parole board that “I consider myself fully rehabilitated and would like my freedom because I haven’t killed anybody in years.” Justin Bieber, making his acting debut, will play you in the TV movie. You will begin to reassess your policy on honesty. Your lucky number is 15.

PISCES (FEB 20 - MAR 20)

Something will happen today. But it won’t happen to you.  You’re boring.  No one notices you which will explain why your body will lie on a lawn chair in your front yard for a week before neighbors notice you are dead.  A neighbor will tell the police that “I knew something was wrong.  He wasn’t yelling at my kids to get off his lawn.” You have a lucky number.  Not that it matters.  You’re dead.

ARIES (MAR 21 - APR 20)

Ignore your critics today.  They are just jealous of your front lawn.  Your grass is so thick, so lush, so green.  Your secret? Human blood as fertilizer. The final shootout at your home will involve three SWAT detachments and will be covered live on TV from helicopters hovering overhead.  Finally taken down and captured you will tell police that “I told those kids to get off my lawn!” You don’t have a lucky number but your lucky word is “more” which you will continually scream during late night sessions with your cell mate.

TAURUS (APR 21 - MAY 21)

If you stop worrying for a moment and analyze the situation you will realize that the chances of you staying on the run from authorities in this internet age are probably nonexistent.   Give yourself up.  This is your first ninth violent felony and no state has a “nine strikes and you’re out” law.  Consider yourself lucky it wasn’t your third violent felony. If it were you’d be sent to a maximum security penitentiary without a front lawn.  As it is you’ll probably do minimal time in a “work camp.”  Your lucky number is three.  (Ironic isn’t it.)

GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)

A partner or loved one will do or say something today that makes you realize there is a lot about them you don’t understand.  Perhaps they will say something like “Put the gun down I don’t want to die” or “I’m sorry I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to walk across the front lawn.”  In either case you will not understand why they have said this.  The sound of shotgun blasts coming from your basement will startle your neighbors but not as much as the fact that you think George Lazenby was the best James Bond ever.

CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23)

You don’t have to do everything yourself.  Spread the load today - get others to help you.  They will if you ask them nicely.  Okay, I lied.  No one will want to help you bury that school bus filled with hostages but the cops are playing hardball so you have to up the ante.  Just remember to leave air holes for the children to breathe.  This time.  You have a nice lawn.

LEO (JULY 24 - AUG 23)

Why are you even still alive?  Your front lawn sucks.  Get a shotgun and end it all.  Your  lucky number is zero.  As in you are a zero.  After your house is sold people will discover why your front lawn sucks.  All those school buses filled with children buried under your lawn didn’t allow the fertilizer to work.

VIRGO (AUG 24 - SEPT 23)

Minor disagreements could easily get out of hand the next 24 hours, so promise yourself that no matter how provocative certain people may be you won’t rise to the bait.  Perhaps if you camped out on your front lawn with a shotgun people will know you mean business.  Question:  Are they provocative or are you just touchy?  Remember, do not rise to the bait.  Shooting neighbors in the groin will leave you less time to fertilize your front lawn.

LIBRA (SEPT 24 - OCT 23)

You may be tempted to blame someone else when something goes wrong today but if you’re honest you will admit it’s your fault.  You should have left air holes in those buses you buried and now all the hostages are dead.  It’s no big deal.  Everyone will happily forgive you because they wish their front lawn looked as good as yours.

SCORPIO (OCT 24 - NOV 22)

No one cares about you.  You don’t even have a front lawn.  I won’t waste my time giving your horoscope you troglodyte.  Your lucky number is go to hell.

In an unprecedented move to calm world markets, major central banks including the Federal Reserve, the Bank of Canada, the Bank of England and several other central banks no one cares about launched a joint action to provide cheap U.S. dollars to banks in Europe and other parts of the world no one cares about.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke (pictured here) told reporters that the decision to provide cheap, emergency U.S. dollars to Europe and those other parts of the world no one cares about was “good economic policy.”

You have nothing to fear.  Remain calm.  All is well!  Remain calm!  All is well!  A financial catastrophe is not imminent!  Remain calm………thank you sir may I please have another?

Bernanke also stressed that while another round of bond buying, known as quantitative easing, was possible the Fed has limited options.

Remain calm!  All is well!  Mommy!  Mommy!  Mommy!  All is well!  Remain calm! Invest in gold!  Mommy!

The Bank of Canada Eh? Governor (pictured here) echoed Bernanke’s sentiments.

There is nothing to fear, eh.  Remain calm, eh. The basic financial structure is sound.  Your retirement savings are safe eh.  Mmm.  Love this Brador’s  beer you hosers.  Yes, technically I know it’s a malt liquor hosers.

The Bank of England Governor (pictured here) told reporters that he fully supports the Fed’s decision to lend cheap U.S. dollars to overseas financial markets.

Remain calm.  All is well.  There is nothing to fear.  Do unto others then run.  I’m not against half naked girls.  Not as often as I’d like to be.  Remain calm.  I have a wild bunch of coconuts.

The European Central Bank President (pictured here) addressed the European Parliament in these words:

Remain calm. All is well.  There is nothing to fear.  Any alliance whose purpose is not the intention to wage war is senseless and useless.  Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination.  This is the war of the future.  Oh, and remain calm.  All is well.

Meanwhile in a far-flung corner of the globe that no one cares about a care package filled with U.S. dollars has arrived at a local village. Villagers, at first ecstatic because they believed the package might contain iPods were bitterly dissapointed to find nothing but U.S. money.  Angry villagers burned the package while chanting “Useless. Useless!”

Editor’s note:  The Manhattan Infidel would like to apologize for any factual errors in this story.

When 38-year old David Johnson arrived home from work he was frankly exhausted.

“It had been a rough day at work.  I was tense.  I need to relax” he told reporters.  “I was hoping to have a few beers and watch the game.”

Instead when he entered his house he was promptly fellated by his wife.  “Imagine my surprise.  Now I’m relaxed!”

Mr. Johnson was so happy and grateful that he immediately went out and bought his wife a new pair of shoes.

“That’s when the trouble began” he said.

Mr. Johnson’s wife told all her friends about her new pair of shoes.  Soon wives and significant others everywhere were demanding the same:  Shoes in return for fellatio.

It was soon after this that many men reported being stressed out at work because of the new arrangement.  Mr. Johnson’s male co-workers now no longer talk to him.

“I’m on a budget” said one.  “Now I have to buy shoes?  You’re kidding.  Johnson’s a jerk.  He’s ruined it for all of us.”

“It’s bad enough I had to buy her shoes” said another.  “But now she’s reversed the order. I Have to buy her shoes FIRST. And there’s no guarantee she’ll fellate me.  They have to be shoes she LIKES!  No wonder I’m drinking more.”

The nonprofit group “Fellatio Without Pressure” warns of the danger to society from the new arrangement.  Said the founder:

Society is based on a contract.  A social contract if you will.  Favors are done with reciprocity in mind.  Except for fellatio.  Men need this to survive.  If we have to start buying shoes in exchange for fellatio or worse buying shoes to get fellatio society will collapse and we will revert back to a stone-age environment.  Look at me!  My wife won’t touch me.  I’m weak.  I bought her shoes but she threw them at me and said she didn’t like them.  Now I’m sleeping in the garage.  My blood pressure is sky-rocketing and the dog’s beginning to look pretty damn good to me. Who am I kidding?  Society is doomed.

He may be right.  Contact has been lost with several cities on the coast. Large fires are reported.  Cars have been overturned to act as makeshift barricades.

“All hell has broken loose” was the last message from Portland, Maine.  “This is worse than the zombie outbreak of ‘07!”

The only segment of society not affected by the breakdown of the social order are shoe manufacturers.

“Business is booming!‘ said one.

This correspondent will brave conditions and continue to report on the story.  I ask male readers to stay strong!  And don’t buy any shoes!  The line must be drawn here!

As readers of my blog may well know I love teenage girls and am legally barred from within getting 100 yards of a high school recently Alec Baldwin deactivated his Twitter account following his controversy with American Airlines.

Being a fair-minded person I hate everybody especially women who won’t let me touch them I asked myself were Baldwin’s tweets about American Airlines an anomaly or are they representative of Baldwin?

Even though his account has been deactivated his tweets still exist. Thanks to my contacts and technical skills I like to make shit up especially when I’m naked I now give my readers a sample of Baldwin’s tweets.

Alec Baldwin

@Daniel Baldwin.   Hey Daniel.  You suck.  I’m embarrassed to have you as a brother.  I’ve slept with Kim Basinger.  Who have you slept with?  Get your fat ass back in rehab.  Oh, and tell mom I said  hello.

Alec Baldwin

Took my car to the shop today.  Uptight jackass told me I needed a new transmission.  Me?  Need a new transmission?  I am Alec Baldwin!  I can buy and sell this mechanic.  He didn’t even give me a complimentary donut!  Oh, and hi mom!

Alec Baldwin

Hairless vagina tried to sell me some girl scout cookies  but told me I couldn’t buy the combo back unless I spent $15 dollars.  Who does she think she is? You may be a girl scout and have a hairless vagina but I’ve slept with Kim Basinger.  Do you know who I am?

Alec Baldwin

Aliens landed on my front lawn and anally probe me.  They also asked me to turn off my electronic devices. Don’t they know who I am?

Alec Baldwin

I ask all my followers to boycott aliens who want to probe them.  I’ve been  letting aliens probe me for years.  Very loyal.  But when they ask me to turn off my electronic devices!

Alec Baldwin

I am not insane!

Alec Baldwin

Turns out I am insane.  Tests prove it.  Doctors and their electronic devices.  I bet no one asks doctors to turn them off.

Alec Baldwin

You call this a rubber room?  I’m Alec Baldwin!  I deserve a better rubber room that this!  I’ve slept with Kim Basinger.  Who have the doctors and orderlies slept with?  I am not turning off my electronic devices.

Alec Baldwin

My medication tastes like alien tongue.

And so readers these are just a sampling of do you like older men honey? Alec Baldwin’s tweets.  I think the evidence shows that is not my semen! that Mr. Baldwin’s controversy with American Airlines is pretty representative of his Tweets.

The protest movement known as “Occupy Pearl Harbor” has been a great success.  The mostly peaceful protest against income inequality, capitalism, corporate greed and western hegemony, launched by the Japanese Navy, sunk four battleships and damaged three others.

Shortly before 7:40 am Hawaiian time 183 planes carrying banners that read “We are the 99%”  and specially modified aeriel torpedoes that allowed them to operate in shallow water appeared over battleship row.

As the mostly peaceful bombs dropped, racist and greedy white Americans ran towards “battle” stations, intent on disrupting the protests.

As the battleships sunk, cowardly and greedy American capitalists were seen swimming from the wreckage.

Captain Mitsuo Fuchida, commander of the first wave of the occupation, dropped torpedoes and leaflets on the retreating symbols of corporate greed that said:

I am a 29 year old recent graduate with a political science degree with a killer resume.  I have sent out 127 applications and still no job.

MY DEMANDS:

• Campaign finance reform
• Media accountability
• Higher taxes on the super rich

What’s the point of going to college if there are no jobs? I will never own a  home.  I am only one misfortune away from disaster.   I will never have a good job.  Instead I was forced to take a temp job with the Japanese Navy where I don’t even get health benefits!

I live paycheck to paycheck and still owe the bank for my foreclosed home.

Corporations are not people!  They consume people!  End corporate greed!  Abolish money!

I am the 99%!  Occupy Pearl Harbor!

The territorial governor of Hawaii, Joseph Poindexter told reporters that while he was personally opposed to the Occupy Pearl Harbor movement he was not about to infringe on their peaceful protests or their right to free speech.

“This has been a mostly peaceful protest.  Well, except for the 2,402 killed.”

From Washington President Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying that the Occupy movement was a “beautiful thing.  God bless them.  The Japanese have legitimate grievances against corporations and capitalists.”

President Roosevelt plans to address a joint session of congress to ask that taxes be raised on millionaires and billionaires.

Meanwhile the leaders of the Occupy Pearl Harbor movement are hoping to make it a permanent event.

“We are building shelters on peacefully captured U.S. territory.  No more corporate greed!”

Jose Reyes, former shortstop for the New York Mets, injured his hamstring while signing his new 6-year 106 million dollar contract with the Miami Marlins.

As the ceremony progressed and cameras flashed, Reyes, surrounded by Team General Manager Michael Hill and President of Baseball Operations Larry Beinfest,  doubled over in  pain, grabbing his leg.

“My hammy!  My hammy!” screamed Reyes as embarrassed team executives looked on.

As Reyes collapsed to the floor screaming in agony Hill touted Reyes athletic achievements and how they will help the Marlins in their quest for a pennant.

“Jose is one of baseball’s premiere athletes.  His combination of athleticism, speed and on base percentage will make the Marlins a force to be reckoned with in 2012.”

The injured Reyes, who was sobbing quietly, crawled towards the podium and pulled himself up.  Refusing help Reyes told reporters “I’m good.  I’m better now.  It’s just a slight -”

At this point a sickening sound was heard that was described as “kinda like tearing a bed sheet in two.”

Reyes collapsed again, grabbed his leg and shouted “My other hammy!  My other hammy!’

It was then that team executives decided to call an ambulance.

Paramedics arrived,  strapped him to a stretcher and took him away.  As they entered the elevator Reyes gave the thumbs up sign to assembled reporters.  The  door to the elevator then closed, taking his thumb off.  Reyes could be heard screaming in the elevator, “Not my thumb!  Jesus not my thumb!”

As the paramedics approached the ambulance they lost their footing and released the stretcher.  The now out of control stretcher then jumped a curb, became airborne and crashed into the ambulance, breaking Reyes nose and jaw.

“Jesus Christ.  Not my nose and jaw!  Not my nose and jaw” screamed Reyes.

A backup ambulance arrived and took Reyes to a hospital for x-rays.  At the hospital a confused doctor told reporters:

Well we’ve done the x-rays and frankly I’ve never seen anything like this. He has no heart, liver, pancreas or other internal organs.  As far as we can figure out his entire body is composed of nothing but hamstrings.  Thousands of them.  Accordingly we’re transferring Mr. Reyes to a special State research facility for study.

At the Florida Research Center for Stuff We Don’t Understand, Reyes was brought in under heavy guard and dumped into a giant fish tank.

“But I can’t swim!  Not without my hammy’s!” shouted a frightened Reyes.

A confused attendant was heard to say, “What?  This isn’t the mermaid?”

The Miami Marlins have announced that they are confident that Reyes will be healthy and available in time for opening day.

“I just wish we knew he was a mermaid before we signed him” said GM Hill. “The insurance costs alone are going to kill us.”

This being “exclusive interview” week here at Manhattan Infidel I am excited to interview the one, the only, the inimitable Ludwig van Beethoven.  A crucial figure in the transition from the classical to the romantic eras in western music he remains one of the most famous and influential composers of all time.  Beethoven also composed many of his greatest works while virtually deaf.

MI:  Mr. Beethoven I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  No I don’t have to pee.  My bladder is fine thank you.

MI:  Okay. Let’s start with your music.  Were you conscious that you were breaking new ground?

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said was there a plan or did your music evolve organically?

Beethoven:  What?  No.  I’ve never had an orgasm with a man.  I resent the question.

MI:  You misunderstood me.  Let’s start with your body of work.

Beethoven:  Why are you talking about my body?  When I agreed to this interview I didn’t realize I’d be talking to a pervert.

MI:  No no.  It’s. [Pause].  I see your hearing difficulties are creating a problem.  I’ll speak louder.  [Louder]  What space in music history do you think your body of work inhabits?

Beethoven:  You have how many bodies in your crawlspace?

MI:  No, that’s not what I said.

Beethoven:  Help!   Help!  Police!   Help!

Policeman:  What seems to be the problem?

Beethoven:  This man has bodies in his crawlspace!

Policeman:  He does, does he?  What kind of sicko are you? Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. nightstick. [ Taking out nightstick and beating MI with it.]

MI:  No.  No.  Ouch.  Stop it.  I’m just a blogger.

Beethoven:  You heard him.  He’s a mugger.  A mugger who kept asking me about my body.

Policeman:  You sick, twisted, disgusting man.  Time to meet Mr. mace [Maces MI.]

MI:  Oh God my eyes.

Policeman:  [Speaking into police radio] Officer needs assistance.  We have a suspect.  A serial killer and sex predator.  Request armed backup immediately.

MI:  Help me!

[Other officers arrive.]

Second officer:  Is this the pervert?  Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. taser.  [Tases MI.)

Here the interview with Beethoven ended.  The remaining transcript is a jumble of screams (possibly Manhattan Infidel’s), electronic noises (possibly a police taser) and a male voice (presumably Beethoven) saying “That’s it.  Get him!  Show no mercy!  More taser!”