Manhattan Infidel

Often I get asked by my many fans, “Manhattan Infidel, what is a typical day like for you?”  Okay, so technically it’s not my fans who are asking me this.

It is the police.

But in the spirit of openness I would like to share with my readers what a typical day is like for me.  Hopefully someone reading my blog will be inspired by my example.  Or become permanently damaged by what they have read.

My day starts out as I’m sure many a person’s day starts out:  I wake up at 6 AM in a cold sweat screaming “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” After a quick check to ascertain that I am not in fact going to be used by Dr. Cornelius for experimental surgery I make myself breakfast.

After a refreshing breakfast of cold pizza and Miller Genuine Draft it is down to business. I begin by reciting this little prayer which I find helps keep me focused:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to figure out what to do with the skulls in my refrigerator.

At precisely 7:00 AM I go to my computer and check the latest news, jotting down notes on anything that catches my interest.   After a half hour of reading the latest headlines I divide my  notes into three categories:

1. Definite blog topic
2. Possible blog topic
3. Where the hell is my concubine?

From 7:30 to 9 AM I curl into a fetal position and weep uncontrollably.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

At 9 I put on clothes (preferably male)  and leave my apartment.  I walk to the corner deli and buy cigarettes, condoms and soap.  Then I tell the woman behind the counter that “she’d make a good concubine.”

Back at my place I call the New York Post and ask to speak to their entertainment reporter.  I tell him that “Treat Williams has given me gonorrhea.  Again.”  I then hang up (let them worry about it.)

From 9:30 to 12:00 I work on my blog.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

At 12 I head to Fitzgerald’s Pub for a nutritious lunch of chicken tenders and beer.  After my eighth pint I grab the bartender by the collar and say “You know where my concubine is don’t you?  She’s with Treat Williams isn’t she?” Having not received a satisfactory answer I curl into a fetal position and weep.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

Back at my place once again I work on my blog from 3 to 7 PM.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

From 7 to 11 PM I watch television next to the roaring fireplace, which in itself is kind of odd since I don’t own a television nor have a fireplace.

At 11 PM I prepare myself for bed by reciting this prayer:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to hunt down Treat Williams and punish him for taking my concubine.

And there you have it readers.  A typical day in the life of the Manhattan Infidel.  May my example help you.

In my continuing effort to better the lives of my readers I now offer a few tips on how to preserve and strengthen your marriage.

The key to any successful marriage is of course communication. At some point your wife will approach you and say “I want to talk about my feelings.”

The important thing to do when this happens is to take a deep breath and not panic.  There is a simple way out of this.  Look  your wife in the eye and say “I’d love to talk about your feelings but it’s Friday night.  Time for hookers and blow.” Then leave for a strip club.

Note:  This may anger your wife.  She may throw things at you.  But rest assured. She is simply acting out a bourgeois construct.  Deep down she appreciates your honesty.

Note:  When you return home you may find the locks have been changed.  Do not fret.  This is why God invented Philadelphia.  Get in your car and drive to the City of Brotherly Love.  Philadelphia:  Providing sanctuary for husbands who have been locked out after a visit to a strip club for six decades and counting.

Many of my readers tell me that their wives often gently remind them when the weekend arrives that chores need to be done and until those chores are finished there will be no “sitting on the couch watching football.”

There is an easy way out of this conundrum.  Grab your rifle and a ladder, climb up onto the roof and pick off the neighbors one by one.  When the police arrive and ask you why you are doing this tell them that your wife said you could not watch football until the chores were done.  The police will sympathize and you will not be arrested.

Another way to maintain a fresh marriage is keeping the romance alive.  An easy way to do this is role play.  I suggest sleeping with all of your wife’s friends, taping it and putting it on the internet.  If she objects tell her it’s all part of role play.

Women love gifts.  One way to keep your wife happy is to give her lots of presents.  Surprise her one day by bringing home the illegitimate children you have fathered.  Your wife will like this as it shows you are a family man.  If perchance you have no illegitimate children then give your wife a vacuum cleaner or a new mop.  Women love practical gifts like this.  It shows that you are thinking about them.

“I’m thinking about you honey” you can say.  “I’m thinking about how this new vacuum cleaner and mop will enable you to do more housework while I go play golf.”

And there you have it.  Follow my advice and you will be guaranteed a long and happy marriage.  Trust me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I only have your best interests at heart.

But don’t take just my word.  Here are some testimonials I have received from grateful readers:

T.S. from Astoria, Queens writes, “I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner and a mop for our anniversary.  She started crying.  I think they were tears of joy.  She then stabbed me in the groin with a letter opener. But she’s Korean so I think that was just a cultural misunderstanding.”

T.S. - Yes I understand they do have different customs.  She was probably trying to thank you.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If my husband ever follows your advice so help me I will hunt you down and stab you in the groin with a letter opener.”

M.B. I didn’t even know you were Korean.

S.S. of Manhattan writes, “My husband recently surprised me by  bringing home an illegitimate child he had fathered.  I would have stabbed him in the groin with a letter opener but I’m an American.  So I shot him instead.”

That’s a rather unique way of getting a man to talk about his feelings, S.S.

Note:  The Manhattan Infidel will be relocating to a motel in Philadelphia next to a strip club. For research purposes only.

The European Union has accused American cheese of “unilateralism” and deemed it a threat to peace. Jerzy Buzek, President of the Parliament of the European Union made the announcement today.

“These individually wrapped slices of American Cheese are destroying Europe.”

He then went on to describe in full why the European Union will boycott American Cheese and place sanctions on the importation of it into EU countries.

We spit on your individually wrapped slices of yellow cheese.  It is the cheese of war!  Look at our Swiss cheese.  That is a truly peace-loving cheese.  The holes in the cheese symbolize European transparency and openness.  Nothing bad ever happens with Swiss cheese.  Oh, occasionally artwork stolen by the Nazis may show up but that is water under the bridge.

While many diplomats are stunned by the hostility to American cheese, sources close to the EU say that the ban on American cheese was long coming and represents European disdain for American cowboy values and worries that American culture is overtaking Europe.

“In the westerns, the cowboys used to eat American cheese by the campfire.  Westerns are very popular in Europe and now the majority of Europeans want to eat American cheese” said one person close to the situation.

Starting July 1st, the European Union will ban American cheese and other products of the “American War Machine” including but not limited to:

1. The TV show 24.  “A truly war-like American cheese eating show.  I bet Jack Bauer eats American cheese before he disembowels his victims.”
2. Miley Cyrus.  “She looks like she’s a cheese eater. And if she comes to Europe we fear Roman Polanski may escape from his house arrest.”
3. The letter “C”.  “What does cheese start with?  The letter C.  Better to nip it in the bud.”
4. Friday.  “Americans work on Friday.  If Europe found out about this it could damage morale in our socialist states.”
5. The Hudson River. “It’s not even a river.  It’s an estuary.  A war-like estuary.  C’mon America.  Get with the program.”

With the advent of sanctions, the European Union hopes to purify the culture of Europe from bad American influences.  It may have a chance of succeeding.  When informed of the sanctions, President Obama apologized to the EU on behalf of all America for American cheese.

“I myself have never had American cheese.  But I believe it represents American thoughtlessness and triumphalism. I certainly sympathise with the socialist governments of the EU.”

Cows throughout the United States could not be reached for comment.

An as of yet unidentified male sped through the toll booth on the Triborough Bridge today causing panic as the bridge was shut down to investigate the possible terror incident.

“I was working my shift when just after 2 PM a sports sedan, I think it was a Saab, came speeding through the booth” said a toll booth operator.”He didn’t even try to slow down. I yelled at him but I didn’t get a good look at him.”

The Triborough, a major hub connecting Manhattan, Queens and The Bronx was shut down as police looked for clues.  As police and media helicopters hovered overhead television programs were interrupted.

“We interrupt our Tiger Woods special which preempted our Levi Johnston interview which interrupted our normal programming to bring you this special report:  New York’s Triborough Bridge victim of apparent terrorist attack!” intoned MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer.

MSNBC: The facts are these:  Just after 2 PM a Saab sports sedan, though there are conflicting claims that it was a gas guzzling SUV, sped through the tool booth killing the attendant. I have on the line an employee at the Triborough.  Sir, can you tell us what happened?

Employee:  This Saab sped right through without paying the toll.

MSNBC: Is that before or after he opened fire and killed your colleague?

Employee: He didn’t have a gun.  There were no shots fired.

MSNBC:  What about the bomb?  Can you tell us about the explosive device?

Employee:  I don’t know anything about an explosive device.  The guy went through the toll booth that’s all.

MSNBC:  Are you sure it was a Saab?  Are you sure it wasn’t a gas guzzling SUV?  Did it look like it was polluting the environment?  Did it have an Alaska license plate number?  Was Sara Palin driving it?

Employee:  I….I….I don’t know the answer to any of this.  It was just a car that drove through a toll booth.

MSNBC:  We thank you for your time.  If you’re just joining us there has been an attempted terrorist bombing at the Triborough Bridge.  Here are the facts: At 2 PM an SUV pulled up to the toll booth, the driver then shot the attendant and set off an explosive device before getting away.  At this point I don’t want to speculate but I just hope the perpetrator wasn’t a Muslim.  Because this is America and if it was a Muslim you know certain elements will use this as an excuse for hatred and oppression against people of other colors.  They will say “Brown people don’t pay tolls.”  I just hope the person responsible for this outrage was a white man.  Joining us now is Mayor Bloomberg.  Mayor what can you tell us?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Good afternoon Contessa.  I don’t want to speculate until the facts are in but I think it was someone with a political agenda.  Perhaps he was angry about healthcare.  Perhaps he was high on excess sodium.

MSNBC:  But he was definitely white?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is what the FBI profilers are telling me.

MSNBC:  Oh thank God for that.  One more thing Mayor.  And I want to stress that until the facts are in we don’t want to speculate but do you remember that scene in Close Encounters where the aliens go through the toll booth?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Yes I do.

MSNBC:  Could it have been aliens? Aliens with a political agenda? Angry aliens?  Could they have been angry teabagging aliens with a political agenda?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is a distinct possibility.  Contessa let me just say that New York is a tolerant inclusive society and we welcome everyone.  If it was aliens I would ask all  New Yorkers to remain calm and not prejudge those from other worlds.

MSNBC:  Thank you Mayor Bloomberg.  We’ll be right back after this with continuing coverage of the terrorist alien teabagging incident on the Triborough.  Theme song sung by Justin Bieber.  And as a reminder, tonight on Lockup racist angry white teabagging prisoners with a political agenda beat up brown people.

Fresh off the environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, engineers from British Petroleum are working on a new crisis:  the attempt to place a containment dome over Whoopi Goldberg.

After a series of controversial statements on ABC’s The View including her comment that Michael Vick should not be punished because “dog fighting is part of black culture” and Roman Polanski’s forced anal penetration of a 13 year old girl was not “rape-rape”, officials at the Environmental Protection Agency have asked BP to step in and end the crisis.

“We’ve been getting reports of pit bulls and 13 year old girls washing up on the Eastern Seaboard.  It’s getting to the point that the homeless are having trouble finding syringes and other medical waste” said EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson.

Officials from BP warn that nothing on this scale has been tried before.  Indeed, their first try at “capping” Ms. Goldberg met with failure when the dome would not fit over her mouth.

“We haven’t tried to cap such a degree of  Hollywood assholeness since Cameron Diaz went on Oprah Winfrey in 2004 and said that a vote for George Bush would be a vote for legalizing rape” said a spokesman for BP.

In that example a smaller “top hat” was placed over Ms. Diaz.  Unfortunately she wore the top hat courtside at a Lakers game and Kobe Bryant slept with it, damaging it to the point where it had to be abandoned.

Preliminary reports say that a second attempt to lower the containment dome onto Goldberg has been successful.

“Right now we are pumping her vocal sludge to a ship in New York Harbor.”

BP is quick to remind people that this is only a temporary solution.

“The ship can only hold three million gallons.  Eventually Goldberg will have to be encased totally in cement and dumped into a desolate area where damage to the environment will be minimal.”

At the moment BP executives are looking at two possible areas as final resting places for Goldberg:  The City of Poughkeepsie, New York or any movie theater showing a Chevy Chase film retrospective.

BP executives are also quick to point out that their resources are not unlimited.

“Even if we successfully cap Goldberg, who is going to cap Joy Behar? We will need Government intervention for such an unfathomably large job.”

The first annual Suicide Bomber and Liberace Fan Club Convention in Las Vegas ended in tragedy today when one of the bombers died from an apparent food allergy.

“We had just come from buying new Air Jordan 2010 sneakers and were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” said Abdul-Majeed Hussein. “All of a sudden Fareed started choking and his face got real swollen.  He collapsed and stopped breathing.”

Fareed Rasheen was taken to the hospital where he later died.  An autopsy revealed that he died due to an allergic reaction to peanut butter.

Reaction to the death from the other suicide bombers ranged from disbelief to shock to anger.

“This is just like the infidel” said one.  “We just wanted to come to Las Vegas and have a good time before killing Americans and one of us dies from peanut butter.  I don’t trust peanut butter.  The swirls in the peanut butter are anti-Islamic.” 

Another bomber told police “I can’t believe Fareed is dead!  He had so much to blow himself up for.”

From Pakistan the mother of the dead suicide bomber expressed anger at the American Government.

“My son should still be alive!  When I encouraged him to become a suicide bomber I had no idea he would die.”  

With her lawyer at her side she then announced a $500 million lawsuit against the Federal Government, The State of Nevada and Marg Helgenberger from the hit TV show CSI.

The Hard Rock Cafe and Casino, which was hosting the convention has started an internal investigation into the incident.

“We take it very seriously when our guests die. Well, except for John Entwistle of course.”  said a spokesman for the hotel.

As for the suicide bombers themselves, they plan to take their convention elsewhere next year.

“The Hard Rock Cafe lied to us.  They promised us Whitney Houston and she never showed up.  First they kill us with peanut butter and then they deny us Whitney Houston.  I am tired of their infidel tricks!”

As part of my ongoing series designed to impart valuable information to my readers I now present my guide to success with the ladies.  I personally vouch that all the of the following will help you increase satisfaction in your personal life.

The first step to success with the ladies is of course to actually meet them.   Here are some good places to meet up with single women:

1. High Schools.  One of my favorite hobbies is to hang around the local high school in my trench coat (in case it rains of course.) As school lets out casually start asking the girls, “Are you legal?” By doing this they will know that you respect the law and have learned from your painful experience on To Catch a Predator.
2. Bars.  Bars are always a good place to meet women.  I’ve found women respond very positively when I approach them and say, “I’m not wearing underwear.” This shows women that you have an edge and are fun.  One possible variation on this is to say “I’m not wearing men’s underwear.” The purpose of this is to show them that in today’s economic climate you can share undergarments, thereby cutting expenses.
3. Home.  You don’t even have to leave your home sometimes.  Many police departments now have attractive female officers.  A favorite trick of mine is to call the police and report a burglary in progress at my address.  Then put on a ski mask and wait for the lovely ladies with the handcuffs to arrive. Note: You do run the risk of being tasered or shot but it’s all for the cause.

The next step is a date.  Here are a few of my tips to ensure a successful experience.

1. It is important to put a woman at ease.  I usually say something like “I sense a real connection between us so I probably won’t chop you up” when I meet them.
2. Skip the fancy restaurant.  If you want to make an impression hand them a frozen steak and say “Well, what the Hell are you looking at?  Cook it!” By doing this you show your date that you respect them and you appreciate the contributions they can make to the relationship.
3. During the date talk about your mother.  A lot.  If your date tries to steer the conversation to another topic call your mother and say “You were right about girls Mom. Don’t worry. No one can possibly replace you.” This will show woman that you have a soft, sensitive side.  Women like this.

And of course the ultimate goal is a relationship.  One way to ensure this is a steady stream of compliments.  Woman love compliments.  A few of the ones I’ve found work the best are:

1. “What is the age difference between you and your sister?  She’s so young and you’re not.”  Women genuinely enjoy it when you point out their maturity.
2. “You are the only woman I have ever met that I’d let shave my back hair.” It’s all about building trust.
3. “You look beautiful.  Almost as beautiful as Charlton Heston.”  What?  You can pry Charlton Heston from my cold dead hands!

And there you have it.  Just follow my advice and you’ll be guaranteed success.  Good hunting!

Many companies nowadays are attaching slogans to their products in the hope of attracting an ethos or corporate culture to its use.  Many companies are not content simply to have people use their product. The correct demographic must use it.  Toilet paper, it seems, is not immune to this trend.

Perhaps the most notorious example of this is Seventh Generation Toilet Paper.  Written on every bag of their toilet paper is a quote from The Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy:  “In our deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”

“We at Seventh Generation care about the environment” said a spokesman.  “We only want those who are conscious of their grave responsibility to the next seven generations to wipe their ass with our product.”  When asked about the eight generation he responded, “Who cares.  They’re on their own.  Sucks to be them.”

Green Forest toilet paper and their slogan, “Soft on nature.  Soft on you”  seems to be written with the busy lives of everyday people in mind.

“People have enough problems.  Keeping their job.  Paying off a mortgage.  When they are wiping themselves they are at their most vulnerable.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a toilet paper that understands?” said a spokesman for Green Forest.

Charmin Ultra Strong, with pictures of bears on their product and commercials of bears frolicking in the woods seems to be going for an alternate lifestyle demographic.

“We’re very popular with the Man-Bear Love Association” said their representative.  “We believe in free love.  We’re just kicking down the cobble stones looking for fun and feeling groovy.”

And that is just a sample of the main brands of toilet paper.  Local varieties are also going for specific demographics.

In New York a popular brand of toilet paper is “The Village People Toilet Paper.”  Their slogan of “It’s kinda rough but you like it that way don’t you?” was recently featured on Jerry Springer.

As for your humble correspondent, well, I am on a budget and have recently switched to a brand manufactured in Brooklyn in a sandpaper factory.  I asked about their slogan of “Yeah, it’s sandpaper.  But its 15 cents. What are you looking at punk?”‘

“It’s very very cheap.  We get a lot of deadbeats using it.  Lots of bloggers.”

Amen to that brother.

With Greece’s bond rating reduced to the “junk” level, the European Union has begun closely  monitoring Greece’s credit card statements.

“We are concerned” said the EU Parliament President Jerzy Buzek.  “Greece is a very important part of the European Union and we want a healthy Greece.  That’s the way the EU works.  We want to say loud and clear that Europe belongs to all of us.  Well, except for Turkey.  We don’t like Turkey.”

Hoping to head off a debt crisis that could spread to Spain and Ireland the EU has started monitoring all of Greece’s credit cards.  And what they’ve found is troubling.

“We never should have given Greece a credit card in the first place” said Buzek.  “Look at their latest statement.  A hundred Euro iTunes purchase of the complete John Tesh?  That’s just reckless and irresponsible.”

As he detailed Greece’s credit card binging his frustration grew.

“They purchased the complete X-Files on DVD.  They could have saved some money by buying only the first four years.  Everything after that sucked anyway.  5000 Euros to buy personal massagers?  Look at this purchase for an adult chatline.  And that doesn’t include all the porn purchases they put on their card.  I would expect this kind of immorality from Malta or Slovenia but not from Greece.  I’ve learned a bitter lesson.  Never trust the Greeks.  Or the Bulgarians.  Or the Czechs.  And especially not the Estonians.  Bastard Estonians! And I don’t like New Zealand either.  Yeah I know they’re not a part of the European Union but that doesn’t matter.  I spit on New Zealand.”

As part of their debt restructuring deal, Greece will have to agree to the following:

1. Greece will have to be in bed by 11:00 PM on school nights.
2. Greece will not be able to borrow the car until they find a Summer job.
3. Greece’s cell phone contract will be changed to disallow text messaging.
4. Greece will have to walk Germany’s dog every morning and evening. No exceptions.

“Our conditions may seem tough.  But we want Greece to learn personal responsibility” said Buzek.  “Are you from New Zealand?  You look like you are.  I spit on you!”

Greece will have three weeks to clean up its act.  If they don’t Greece will be sent to live with their Grandmother for the Summer.

During the Eighth inning of a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals, a 17-year old fan ran out onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Ballpark.  He was immediately tasered by quick thinking Philadelphia police. In the aftermath television shows and talk radio were discussing whether the force was justified or excessive.

Many fans clearly feel the use of a taser was excessive.

“Dude I haven’t seen such violence and rage at a baseball game since the last time Alfonso Soriano struck out” said one caller.

In Seattle interim Police Chief John Diaz told reporters that tasering the fan was not something his officers would have done.

“We probably would just put a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand and pointed him in the direction of some anarchists.  Believe me he would have gotten the message.”

From the offices of Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that said:

We regret the unfortunate incident at last night’s game.  However fans should not run out onto the field.  This non-millionaire, I mean this fan, might have actually gotten close to one of our players. If that had happened the social order of society would be destroyed.  Chaos would reign. Pestilence and famine would follow. Who knows, the Earth might leave its orbit. The Sun might go supernova.  The Cubs might win a championship.  The Philadelphia police were just looking out for the interests of everybody.

From Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey said that the use of force was justified.

This is the big city.  We have lots of trouble with undesirable types like Mexicans and Dallas Cowboys fans. It’s important that our officers stay alert and that they use their training as often as possible.  Besides, the officer who tasered the fan might have thought he (the fan) was Santa Claus.  Outworlders (those not from Philly) won’t understand but to us, Santa is the Devil,  the Antichrist the last guy to play drums in Wings all rolled into one.

A visit to the Philadelphia Police Academy to watch officers being trained offered valuable insight into the situation.  Officers shoot at targets dressed as Santa.

A two-week intensive “Know your Enemy - It is Santa” training course offers cadets valuable opportunities to hone their Santa beatdown skills.  Skills that will come in handy in the real world.

As a cardboard cutout of Santa was brought into a room full of cadets a tape loop of  Santa proclaming “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was played.  Cadets tensed, and grabbed their batons.

“Take him out boys” said the instructor.  “The Fat one’s going down!” 

As for the fan who ran out onto the field he says he may do it again.

“But I’m not going to wear red.  No wonder they tasered me.  I looked like Santa out there.”