Manhattan Infidel

Recently I was lucky enough to snag an interview with one of the decades most fascinating personalities and one that everyone wants to interview:  the Gulf Oil Spill himself.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  Let’s start out with some basic questions.  How old are you?

GOS:  I’m about 65 million years old.  Give or take a million.

MI:  Wow.  You don’t look a day over 55 million.

GOS:  Thank you.  It pays to be an inert gas sometimes.

MI:  Why the oil spill?  Why now?

GOS:  It all boils down to trying something new.  Sure I’m an abundant reservoir of oil but what I really want to do is direct.  I figured the oil spill would be a good way of promoting myself.  You know, getting my name out there. 

MI:  It seems to have worked.  Any message to the fishermen in the Gulf whose livelihood you put in jeopardy?

GOS:  I do feel badly about that.  But, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.

MI:  You mentioned wanting to break into show business. Have you heard from anyone? 

GOS:  Funny you should mention that.  Yes.  I have heard from a few people.  I have my contacts.  Did you know that Larry King and I are about the same age?

MI: You’re shitting me?

GOS: No, I kid you not. We started out together as microbial deposits and sea sludge.  But Larry wanted to do his own thing.  He said “I’m going on land.  I’m going to evolve and get my own talk show.  Maybe get married seven or eight times.”

MI:  Have you heard from anyone else?

GOS:  Oliver Stone wants to direct a story about my life.  The theme will be “Gulf Oil Spill victim of Jews and Dick Cheney.”   I can’t say I agree with his politics.  But he is a good film maker.  Almost as good as Rob Zombie.

MI:  That he is.  Anybody else contact you?

GOS:  Strangely enough the New York Mets contacted me.  They saw how powerful I was gushing out of the ocean floor and they think I may be the answer to their offensive woes.  But I turned them down. I’m a Cardinals fan actually. And I’d done PEDs. I know they test for that now.

MI:  I don’t want to take much longer of your time but what is next?  What are your immediate plans?

GOS:  I’m a big Saints fan.  Go Drew Brees.  He’s my man so I’m gonna chill out until football season starts.  Maybe start a pottery club.  I like fondue and antiquing.

MI:  Well I thank you for talking to me.

GOS:  No problem, Manhattan Infidel.  You’re my favorite blog not dedicated to Carrie Underwood.

A buffalo, perhaps not realizing the implications of its actions, gored and killed a veteran conservationist today.

“I don’t understand why the buffalo killed him” said a friend.  “He devoted his entire life to helping oppressed buffalo.  He just wanted to make their lives better.  And get massive government grants.”

The buffalo, hungry and perhaps angered over past wrongs inflicted upon his species by mankind, charged the conservationist, gored, crushed and mocked him before racing off.

Reaction to the conservationist’s death was swift.

“I don’t want to blame the buffalo” said a fellow conservationist “but they just don’t appreciate all we do for them.  The buffalo seem quite grouchy nowadays.”

Another conservationist spoke of possible remedies.

“Look, the only way we are going to get these buffalo to appreciate what we do for them is to ram our reforms down their throats.  More power.  That’s the key.  We’re not satisfied with all we’ve done.  The way to cure that is to give us more authority.”

He then reeled off the reforms that have been implemented so far:

1. All animals in the park have been removed so that the buffalo can adopt a healthier vegetarian lifestyle.
2. Tracts have been distributed throughout the park bearing the message “I’m a  buffalo and I’m beautiful.“
3. Freedom of religion for buffalo has been implemented.  “We also intend to build a buffalo church on the site of the goring to show the buffalo that we are not their enemy.”
4. Spraying with insecticides has been banned.  “The buffalo and the tsetse fly should be friends. Oh the buffalo and the tsetse fly  should be friends.  One like to roam the plains the other likes to spread sleeping sickness but that’s no reason that they can’t be friends.  Territory animals should stick together.  Territory animals should all be pals.”

The Government has announced that the death of the conservationist will not deter their policy to help the buffalo and that they will in fact redouble their efforts.

“Helping them is a moral issue.  But we understand buffalo are grumpy.”

Dateline Rome.  August 26th 410:

Rome, the eternal city was sacked today by Visigoths,  a normally peaceful tribe.  As the Visigoths poured into the city, stunned Roman citizens wondered who was responsible for the first sacking of the city in almost 800 years.

Many pointed the finger of blame at the previous emperor, Georgicus Bushius.

“Everyone knows his racist policies increased the hostility of the outside world to Rome” said a senator allied with the current emperor, Barackian Obamanus.  “Between killing them in illegal wars and denying them the right to migrate to Rome it’s no wonder the rest of the world has a negative opinion of us.”

Fortunately, Emperor Obamanus’ humane polices moderated the degree of destruction during the sack.  While there were unconfirmed reports of looting, pillaging and the occasional rape  the city itself was spared complete devastation.

“Everyone knows the emperor is a friend of the Visigoths.  He has repeatedly apologized to the Visigoths for wrongs inflicted upon them by Rome in the past.  Why when he was a child he even lived for a few years in Visigoth territory” explained the emperor’s press secretary Robertius Gibbsius.

While the sack did alarm citizens the emperor was quick to point out that because of his recently enacted universal health care coverage for all Roman citizens, those who were allegedly injured or violated by the Visigoths would have access to the best doctors, “subject to availability and rationing of course.”

Standing in front of the still-smoldering ruins of the mausoleums of emperors Augustus and Hadrian, “typical Roman people” Obamanus reminded the citizens, he welcomed the Visigoths to the city.

We have nothing at all to worry about.  I know many of you are fearful and cling to crossbows and religion but we can learn a lot from the Visigoths.  The Visigoths have many accomplishments to boast about in their native lands.  Much of our science, our philosophy, our technical accomplishments derive from them.  I know many of you are asking why they sacked us?  If only the previous emperor, Bushius, had allowed free migration into our city this would not have happened.

Emperor Obamanus then ended his press conference by announcing that he will be vacationing in Ravenna where he will be playing a few rounds of a new game called “golficus.“

As part of my long, single minded, ruthless and implacable march towards world domination (interrupted only by trips to the refrigerator to grab beer and long sojourns on my couch eating potato chips) I created the Manhattan Infidel web site.  My plan is proceeding on schedule and with any luck by 2014 the world will be mine.

Everyone who stumbles upon my blog becomes a Manhattan Infidel acolyte.  Your soul is mine.  There is no escaping it.  However I am legally obligated to explain the process of indoctrination.  So for your pleasure I present the Five Stages of Manhattan Infidel.

Stage 1 - Denial.

Stage 1 acolytes are those who have accidentally stumbled upon Manhattan Infidel while searching for porn, information on how to dispose of a body or pictures of the 19th President of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes.

People in this stage are in deep denial, which at best is only a temporary defense.  “How did this happen to me?  Why am I on this site?  Where are the pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes?  I’m never coming back to Manhattan Infidel again!”

However, try as they might, they soon return.  And this brings them to stage two.

Stage 2 - Anger.

Stage 2 acolytes recognize that denial cannot continue.  Because of their anger they can be difficult to be around.  Feelings of rage and envy fill them as they think of all the time they should be spending looking at photos of Rutherford B. Hayes and not checking out Manhattan Infidel.

“Who is to blame for my yearning to go to Manhattan Infidel?  How can this happen to me?  If my friends find out they will never speak about Rutherford B. Hayes to me again.”

Try as they might, the anger soon yields to stage three.

Stage 3 - Bargaining.

Stage 3 acolytes are consumed with a desire to reform their lives.  Usually the negotiation is with a higher power.   Psychologically the individual is saying “I understand I am useless in the grips of the madman who is Manhattan Infidel but I promise to spend less time on his site and more time looking at photos of Rutherford B. Hayes.”

But the bargaining will fail of course.  This brings us to stage four.

Stage 4 - Depression.

At stage 4, my acolytes are almost totally under my power.  They often get extremely depressed.  They rarely shower and lose all interest in communicating with loved ones.   “I’m so sad.  What’s the point.  Why bother with anything” they  often say to themselves.  Many totally abandon looking at pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes, “I’m not worthy” and instead begin looking online for pictures of 20th President James Garfield.

It is not recommended to interact with a person in this stage of Manhattan Infidel.  This brings us to the fifth and final stage of Manhattan Infidel:  Acceptance.

Stage 5 - Acceptance.

Stage 5 acolytes are now full-fledged members of the Manhattan Infidel empire.   People in this stage have come to terms with their new lives.  “It’s going to be okay.  I can’t fight it.  I might as well prepare for it” they say.  Or they will try to convert their friends to Manhattan Infidel.  Many spend their waking hours wondering what they can do to hasten Manhattan Infidel’s total world domination.  Of course, being human they try to maintain some semblance of their past lives.  Hence the looking online for pictures of 15th President James Buchanan.

I welcome their attempt at normalcy as it makes it easier for me to bend their will to my plans.

And now that I have fullfilled my legal obligation I now return you to your online searching for photos of James Buchanan.

The Colosseum of Rome, officially known as the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt, it was announced today.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce  that the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt” declared Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  “It is an Italian treasure and I am proud to state that once again, after being rebuilt with modern amenities, the Colosseum will host Christians being torn apart by lions.  I mean, soccer matches.”

A consortium headed by Mark Cuban, Jay-Z, Donald Trump and Dustin Diamond, who played “Screech” on Saved by the Bell bought the Colosseum after answering an ad on Craigslist for a “slightly used amphitheater with historical charm, good for feeding Christians to lions.  I mean soccer matches.”

Standing beside Prime Minister Berlusconi Donald Trump told reporters that the Colosseum will undergo an extensive three-year modernization which will include installing luxury boxes and a retractable roof as well as cages to house hungry lions.  When asked what the hungry lions were for, Trump responded, “Umm, for the soccer matches of course.”

Also to be included in the modernization will be ample concessions, including pizza, pasta and that traditional Italian staple, General Tso’s Chicken.

Sushi will also be available but only to those who buy a personal seat license in the planned luxury boxes. The new luxury boxes will cost 1,000,000 Euros ($975,000 U.S. dollars).

“As you can see, the price is reasonable and well within the price range of the average rock star” said Trump.  “And what rock star wouldn’t like to sit in a luxury box, eating sushi while watching Christians being torn apart by hungry lions.  I mean, watch soccer matches. After all, soccer is the sport of the entire world, second only to watching my combover blow in the breeze.”

A reporter from L’Osservatore Romano, the official newspaper for the Vatican asked if the modernization of the Colosseum was just a cover to feed Christians to lions.  The reporter was surrounded by security and taken away.  Later he could be heard screaming “My god they are ripping me to shreds!”

“He went to watch a soccer match” said Trump.  “Apparently a brawl has broken out.”

The rebuilt Colosseum will open in the Summer of 2014 with a concert by Jay-Z.  The opening act will be Christians being fed to lions.

“It’s a new rock group” said Trump.  “Don’t look at my hair.”

Reacting to uproar over the assassination of President Lincoln, Ford’s Theater has announced a “complete overhaul” of their security procedures.

“We should have seen this coming” said the Director of Ford’s Theater.  “What with our slogan and all.” 

He is referring to Ford’s Theater’s official slogan of “Come for the play.  Stay for the assassination.  Free deviled eggs!”

The new slogan will be:  “Come for the play.  No assassination tonight.  Deviled eggs five for a dollar.”

In addition to the change in slogan, ushers will have to ask all patrons if they plan to assassinate the President.  Those who respond in the affirmative  will have their deviled eggs confiscated.   They will also be asked to have sexual relations with Mrs. Lincoln.

“Fear can be a very powerful motivator.”

The Presidential Box will become an “assassination free zone.”  A security guard will be placed outside the box with orders to shoot on sight anyone “suspicious looking and/or with deviled eggs on their breath.”

The practice of pinning a note on the President’s back that says “Shoot me” will be discontinued.

“We feel these new procedures will help rehabilitate our image and we hope that President Johnson will visit us. We’ve even stocked the President’s box with plenty of booze.”

In related news the alleged assassin John Wilkes Booth was cornered and shot to death in a barn in Virginia.

“It was easy to find him” said the general in charge of the hunt.  “We just followed the trail of deviled eggs.”

A new study has found that a promising new vaginal gel reduces the risk of sexually transmitted disease, including HIV infection, 89%.

A clinical trial of the new gel, dubbed, “Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0” has proven quite promising in trials between coeds and their sexual partners.

Researchers at the microbiology department at the University of Minnesota announced the result of a 10-year study to find a gel that would reduce the risk of sexual infection.  Said the head of the study in a phone interview:

When we started our research we knew what we wanted:  An odorless, colorless, tasteless gel that would kill microbes responsible for sexually transmitted diseases, whether it be herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis or HIV.

The first attempt, “Gooey Sticky Mess 1.0” was unsuccessful primarily because it failed the odorless test.

We found that it gave off an odor that was quite pungent.  One woman said that her sexual partner complained that she smelled like Prince Fielder’s jock strap after playing a doubleheader in 100 degree heat.  Another woman complained that even after repeated showers she was not able to wash off the offensive stench, which she likened to the toilet of a Greyhound bus after the host of ‘Man vs. Food’ had used it.

After the failure of Gooey Sticky Mess 1.0, researchers spent the next couple years dealing with the odor problem and released Gooey Sticky Mess 2.0.

This was a major step forward.  The offensive odor that people complained of in the earlier version was eliminated.  However, there was one unexpected side effect.  It turned the male sexual partners into Don Knotts. 

And who wants to look like Don Knotts?  David Doyle perhaps but not Don Knotts.

Gooey Sticky Mess 2.0 was pulled from production.  Further research produced Gooey Sticky Mess 3.0

This was our most promising gel yet.  We solved the odor problem and most importantly, there were no  hideous Don Knotts apparitions.  However we had a residual problem with the color of the gel.  It turned all women into a shade of green that made them look like Orion slave girls. Women started complaining that their choice of sexual partners became confined to Star Trek geeks and bloggers.

Finally, after much research, Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0 was released.

This finally solved all the previous problems.  No odor.  No Don Knotts.  No Orion slave girls.  The new gel stops the spread of all sexually transmitted disease.  We theorize that because the new gel has the same viscosity as Lake Erie it kills microbes on contact.  But we think mainly because once the woman applies the new gel penetration becomes physically impossible.  Indeed our only complaints are from the men who keep asking us to bring back the Orion slave girls.

Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0 has been approved by the FDA and will sell for $29.95 a bottle.

Following up on an earlier promise I have investigated further the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair.  My research concentrated on three areas.  Specifically,

• What is the nature of Jack Lord’s hair?
•  Has Jack Lord’s hair ever manifested unexplained powers?
•  Can prayer to Jack Lord’s hair help in difficult moments?

It appears from all available evidence that Jack Lord’s hair was an immovable object, unchangeable, eternal, immune to elements or any outside influence.  There is speculation that his hair is in fact the “first mover” of the universe and that time came into existence with Lord’s hair.  This of course cannot be proven  but many prominent theologians are of this opinion.  Said one:

His last name is a clue as to the true nature of his hair.  He was born John Joseph Patrick Ryan but took the stage name Jack Lord. What does that tell you?  Traditionally throughout western civilization the name “Lord” has been associated with power and majesty.  Perhaps this was his way of drawing attention to the true nature of his follicle development.  Perhaps he was manifesting his hair to a fallen humanity. Perhaps he was saying “My hair IS.”

While investigating possible manifestations of power from Jack Lord’s hair James MacArthur, who played loyal sidekick Danno, told me about a curious incident that happened during the first season of Hawaii Five-0:

During the filming of one episode a violent thunderstorm stopped production.  I saw a bolt of lightning hit Jack on the top of his head and I saw that his hair was on fire.  I ran over to put it out when I noticed that his hair, while on fire, was not consumed.  I was confused as to how this could be when I heard a voice saying, “I am Jack Lord’s hair.  You shall have no other hair but me.” I fell down at my feet and said, “Depart from me Jack Lord’s hair, for I am only a second banana.”

After this manifestion of Lord’s “Hairhead“, many began keep pictures of Jack Lord in their home and pray to his hair.   There were reports of miracles. MacArthur continues:

It was late at night and I was leaving a bar in Honolulu after having a few drinks.  I noticed two men following me.  They grabbed me.  One pulled a gun out and said he would shoot me if I didn’t give them all my money.  I thought I was going to be killed.  Then I shouted “The power of Jack Lord’s hair commands you.  Begone!”  Well, before you could say “The original Felix Leiter” the Earth beneath the two muggers opened up and they were swallowed whole! After that I never doubted the power of his hair.

So it seems that my original suspicions were correct.  Jack Lord’s hair is not just normal hair.  But don’t take my word for it, look at the picture and believe:

In a troubling reminder of the worst days of the 1980s when teenagers would go “wilding”, wreaking havoc on the citizenry, gangs of rogue mathematicians are refusing to show their work creating a new climate of fear.

“I went to class this morning and the professor had written a math solution on the blackboard but there was no work shown.  I asked him about this and he told me to go to Hell.  Then he called me a ‘bourgeois sophist.’  No one’s called me a bourgeois sophist since Axl Rose” said one student.

Colleges across the United States are reporting an alarming increase of math on math violence.

“I had one math professor walk up to me and ask me if I could name the first 25 prime numbers.  When I said I couldn’t he hit me over the head with a DVD of ‘Stand and Deliver” said a frightened student.  “I mean, I’ve always thought of math professors as hairy and harmless, like ’70s porn.  I expect this level of violence from my history professor but if math teachers are going to go all postal then I’m changing my major to comparative indigenous precolumbian lesbian studies.”

Another student woke to find the words “3x = 9″ spray painted on his front door.

“Naturally I didn’t know what it meant.  I was terrified.  Well, not as terrified as the time my girlfriend forced me to sit through the Sex and the City movie.  But I was still scared.”

Newspapers across the United States have reported getting anonymous letters from a group calling itself “The Math Liberation Front.”  Typical of the letters is this one:

People of America.  Wake up!  You are weak and for too long you have neglected Math.  We of the Math Liberation Front will continue with our random acts of math until this has changed.

Know your multiplications tables.  There is strength through multiplication.

P.S. - We don’t like the number “0″.  We seek to abolish it.

P.P.S. - Can anyone tell us where Bagel Street is?  We need to find the Susquehanna Hat Company.

P.P.P.S - We like pineapple on our pizza.  Mathematically it’s a very logical topping.

From Washington, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told reporters that, while she is trying to remain optimistic, “if we’ve lost the mathematicians then it’s time to give up.  The end of the world is near.”

She then ordered her lunch:  Pizza with pineapple topping.

When John Baker bought a trendy five million dollar mansion on Long Island he thought it was a dream come true.  Instead he heard noises in the night and furniture that had been rearranged or gone missing.

“I started hearing voices.  I was concerned that it might be ghosts” said Mr. Baker.

“So I went down into the living room and saw a couple ghosts rearranging my furniture.  I have a window seat.  Everyone who’s seen it likes it.  They always compliment me and say how classy it looks.  Well the ghosts said it should be free-standing and moved it to the center of the living room.  They said it would foster intimacy in my spiritual life.  Now everyone keeps tripping over it.”

Mr. Baker told the ghosts to stop what they were doing and that the window seat would remain where it was.

“The ghosts told me that I should stop being concerned with externals and open myself up to reform.  I don’t mind being haunted but do they have to be so smug?  I would punch them in the face if they had corporeal form.”

Mr. Baker then asked the ghosts why there weren’t speaking Latin, as is traditionally thought ghosts do.

“I’ve read Shakespeare.  I know ghosts only speak Latin. They told me that 40 years ago ghosts got permission to speak in the vernacular.  They said it helped foster dialogue.”

Mr. Baker told the ghosts to leave.  But the next night they were back.

“They took away my fireplace grate.  They said it created a barrier between the peoples of God. Now the rug next to the fireplace is burned and sooty.”

One time Mr. Baker discovered the ghosts throwing opening his windows.

“I asked them why they were doing this.  They said they wanted to bring in fresh air and open up the place to the outside world.  I told them it’s 95 freaking degrees.  I don’t want to open my place up to the outside world, thank you.”

The final straw was when the ghosts invited Mr. Baker to roast marshmallows with them.

“I put the marshmallow on a stick and put it in the fireplace.  I was about to eat a little bit from the stick when they told me to put the marshmallow directly on my hand. They said it was in keeping with pastoral needs. Now my hand is burned.”

Mr. Baker ordered all the ghosts out of his house.

“I told them to get the hell out and never come back. They told me I was a slave to authority, preconciliar and not open to the spirit.  I hate reforming ghosts.”

Since the ghosts left Mr. Baker spends every night on the front porch with a shotgun  just in case they decide to come back.

“They haven’t returned.  I did have a decapitated ghost show up once.  I thought it might be the headless horseman.  Turns out it was Ted Williams.  I gave him directions to Boston.”