Manhattan Infidel

Scientists sequencing DNA from a man in Greenland who died 4000 years ago have found many surprises.  The biggest surprise?  Man four millennium ago was worried about hair loss.

“It’s true” said a scientist.  “We were really blown away by this.”

A full-body reconstruction of the ancient man, dubbed “full body reconstruction of ancient man” by scientists has shown that he had a combover.

“It (the combover) started just below his left ear and was painstakingly brushed over his head to give the illusion of thickness” according to those who have seen the full body reconstruction.  He also apparently carried with him a special tool for which scientists were at first not able to ascertain its use.  The tool was eight inches long, had a series of ridges and one end was loaded with a sticky substance.

“It finally dawned on us after experimenting with the tool with a wax replica of Bruce Willis that this was the ancient man’s combover tool.  The comb was larger than  normal to handle the long combover strains of hair.  And we figure the sticky resin was to hold the combover in place.”

The ancient man was also found lying at an angle that would have put the prevailing winds to his left side.

“We figure he was trying to walk at an angle that would not mess up his combover.  Even with the resin it was susceptible to wind gusts. Hence, he could not walk into wind or have wind behind him.  He could only walk with the wind in the direction of his part.”

This may in part be responsible for his death.  Evidence of abundant game was found a couple hundred yards from him.

“But to get to this food he would have had to walk into the wind.  And if you had to choose between an empty stomach and a healthy, rich, luxuriant head of hair that made you look younger and attracted women, what would you choose?”

This ancient Greenland man was also apparently worried about the size of his penis.

“We also found next to the body what can only be described as a primitive suction pump.  We figure this was placed around the ancient’s member to create a vacuum which would increase his girth.”

This ancient man also was literate as a stone tablet was found next to the pump.   On it was written “Guntak tired of being laughed at by ladies.  Guntak make pump and increase girth.  Guntak use pump.  Guntak no notice increase in girth.  Guntak bleed.”

As for the cause of death, scientists speculate that it was suicide.

“With his lack of hair and girth, what else could he do?”

As for other information gleaned from the ancient man, scientists report that he was in his late 20s, 5 feet 8 inches tall, weighed approximatly 165 pounds, had brown eyes and black hair and was a registered Democrat.

“I know what you’re thinking and we also were surprised that he had brown eyes.”

The full body reconstruction of ancient man will be on display until June 15th.

A killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando Florida grabbed its trainer and killed her in front of horrified spectators today.  Witnesses say the whale, named Tilikum, appeared agitated before it lunged at its trainer.  This is the third time Tilikum has killed a human.

“We’re shocked.  We don’t know why this killer whale decided to kill.  We don’t know what was going through its head.  We just hope that people won’t view killer whales through the prism of this unfortunate incident.  The overwhelming vast majority of them are large, gentle creatures beloved by children - kind of like Oliver Hardy” said the Director of SeaWorld.

Immediately after the accident SeaWorld was closed as a killer whale whisperer was summoned.  The whisperer was lowered into the tank and caressed Tilikum while singing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

“I wanted to reassure Tilikum that humans still loved him and that we don’t hold him responsible.  I know that he was traumatized by the killing.  I saw a tear in his eye” said the whale whisperer.

After the whale whisperer left Tilikum was handcuffed and transported downtown to police headquarters.

“The hardest part was finding an orange jumpsuit that would fit him” said the detective in charge of the investigation.  “I read him his Miranda rights and asked him if he understood.  He shook his head yes.  Then he ate my Lieutenant.”

A group calling itself the North American Man Killer Whale Love Association has hired a lawyer for Tilikum.  They also picketed outside the police station holding signs that said “Killer whales make better lovers” and “2, 4, 6, 8 I need a killer whale for a date.”

“If loving killer whales is wrong then I don’t want to be right” said a NAMKWLA member.

Despite today’s tragedy SeaWorld has no plans to remove its killer whale exhibit.

“The killer whale show is our most popular attraction and even with an occasional murder we still have less problems than with our last whale” said the manager of the exhibit, referring to their hugely unpopular beatnik whale show.

“The beatnik whale would do nothing but wear a beret, smoke cigarettes, play bongos, write crappy poetry and talk about the evils of capitalism.  If I wanted that I’d watch MSNBC.”

President Obama has stated that the police in Florida have “acted stupidly” in this instance.

Tilikum is expected to be released on bail next week.

In a cave on the Pakistani border, devout muslims line up to volunteer.  But whereas before they were volunteering to become suicide bombers, now they volunteer to use the shakeweight.

“Before all I wanted to do was blow myself up.  Life was only worth living if I could kill myself and the infidel too.  But then I saw the shakeweight commercial.  This miracle of dynamic inertia may be an infidel trick but what a trick.  For only six minutes a day my upper arms are now lean and sculpted” said Fahmi, who prefers that his last name not be used.

In Londonderry, Northern Ireland, a new phenomenon has emerged.  Catholics and Protestant, who have spent the last 40  years in brutal warfare are now using the shakeweight together.  Poorer Catholics who cannot afford their own shakeweight have protestant neighbors loan them theirs.

Former Red Hand of Ulster member Patrick O’Donnell states, “George Mitchell tried to bring peace to our province.  And I suppose he did a good enough job.  But the shakeweight IS peace!  I’m no historian or scientist but I’m pretty sure that dynamic inertia is responsible for more peace agreements than the U.N.”

In the gritty crime-infested streets of South Central L.A., police are amazed at the noticeable drop in gang-related activity.

“I used to be afraid to walk the streets.  I’d find nothing but gunshot victims.  Crips shooting bloods.  Bloods shooting Crips.  But there hasn’t been a murder in this area in weeks.  Everywhere I go opposing gang members are using the shakeweight and challenging each other to see who can get their upper arms more toned.  I can’t explain it.  But as a cop I approve.  I’m just afraid that if this keeps up I’ll be out of a job” said a Los Angeles police officer.

In the Arctic regions surrounding the North Pole, polar bears are even using the shakeweight.  Said one polar bear through a translator, “I’m sure I’ll probably drown one day.  No glacier lasts forever after all.  But I just don’t care anymore.  I’m obsessed with dynamic inertia.  But wait, there’s more.  For only six minutes a day I use this and if I’m not completely satisfied I get a triple refund.  You just can’t beat that.”

It seems that the miracle of dynamic inertia has changed the face of the world for ever.  Peace reigns over our once troubled world.  The lion has laid down with the lamb.

From Rome Pope Benedict XVI said, “I’m pretty sure this dynamic inertia thing is a tool of the Devil, or at the very least a cult of some sort.   But look at my upper arms!  They are buff.  And I’m 83.”

In Washington D.C., it was announced that the shakeweight will be taken off the “no-fly” list.

“We want the shakeweight all over the United States” said Janet Napolitano.  “Dynamic inertia is fun.”

It’s been exactly one year since I wrote my first post for Manhattan Infidel.  I remember sitting in front of my computer thinking “What should I write about?”, “I hope my blog is interesting”, “Pants are such an encumbrance to my personal freedom”, “Sex toys?  Why not?” and “Does a blog violate my parole?”  But most of all I worried that I would not have anything to write about.  Well 264 posts later the results are in.  I need not worry about that.

Since it is my one-year anniversary I’d like to open up the reader mailbag.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B) writes “Congratulations on one year of blogging.  Is it true?  Did you kill Connie’s husband?”

Don’t ask me about my business M.W. (though soon to be M.B.)

A.P. writes “Manhattan Infidel, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter.  And may their first child be a masculine child.”

Thank you A.P.  Just stop sleeping with the fishes.  It’s freaking us all out.

T.S. of Long Island City writes “Manhattan Infidel, I need a man with powerful friends.  I need a million dollars in cash.  I need, Manhattan Infidel all of those politicians you carry around in your pocket like so many nickels and dimes.”

And what is the interest for the Tattalgia family?

S.J.  writes “I frisked him.  He’s clean.  I frisked a thousand young punks.”

Enjoy your veal, S.J.  I’ll have a surprise for you when I get back from the bathroom.

King Shamus writes “Manhattan Infidel, you fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.”

King Shamus you got it all wrong.  I’m innocent.  I swear on the kids.

Jimmy the Hat writes “Barzini’s people chisel my territory and we do nothing about it.  Pretty soon there won’t be anyplace in Brooklyn that I can hang my hat.”

Try to be patient Jimmy the Hat.  After I make my move to Nevada you can break off from the Manhattan Infidel family and go off on your own.  After we make the move to Nevada.

Innominatus writes “Manhattan Infidel, why am I out?”

You’re not a wartime Consigliari, Innominatus.  Things could get rough with the move I’m making.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “Now you listen to me Manhattan Infidel, you smooth talking son of a bitch.  Let me lay it on the line for you and your boss, whomever he is!  Johnny Fontaine will never get that movie!  I don’t care how many dago guinea wop greaseball  goombahs come out of the woodwork!’

I’m German-Irish.

Snarky Basterd writes “Leave the gun.  Take the cannoli.”

You’re a wise man, Snarky.

T.W. of Washington D.C. writes “What’s with all the new faces Manhattan Infidel?”

We’ll need em now.  After the hospital thing Sonny got mad.  We hit Bruno Tattaglia at four this morning.

Matt writes “Manhattan Infidel, I want you to take care of that son of a bitch right away.  Paulie sold out the old man, that stronz. I don’t want to see him no more.  I want you to make that first thing on your list, understand?”

Understood.

Ro writes “They shot Sonny in the causeway.  He’s dead.”

I want no inquiries made.   I want no acts of vengeance.  I want you to arrange a meeting with the heads of the five blogs.  This war stops now.

Wow.  That’s a lot of mail.  Here’s to a successful second year.

Manhattan Infidel.

One of the benefits of blogging is it puts you in touch with people all over the globe (and not just the people who viewed my webcam for $4.95 a minute.)

While looking over the statistics for my site I noticed that on an average day, anywhere from 25% to 40% of my traffic comes from the Russian Federation.  Naturally this piqued my curiosity.  For the first six months of my blog I had no visitors from Russia.  Then I mentioned Putin in one of my posts.  And the visitors came.  This worried me.  Was Putin planning to assassinate me too?  That man on the street carrying the umbrella.  Why is he looking at me?  Could the umbrella be poison-tipped?  I decided to do some research.

According to the INS, a survey of new Russian immigrants found that 10% came to America for “religious freedom“, 13% emigrated to “follow in the footsteps of Yakof Smirnoff” and 77% came to America to “kill the Manhattan Infidel with a poison-tipped umbrella.”

This being New York City, there is a hot dog vendor on my street.  Today I asked him for a hot dog.

“We got no  hot dogs!‘ he told me in a thick Russian accent.

“Come on.  You’re a hot dog vendor.  It says ‘Hot Dogs $1.50.’  I want a hot dog” I said.

He eyed me suspiciously.  “We have no hot dogs.  Just sauerkraut and poison-tipped umbrellas.”  

He then grabbed an umbrella from his cart and chased me down Second Avenue.  He was just about to catch me when, fortunately, he was shot by the NYPD for carrying a plastic two-inch toy gun in his shirt pocket.  (Thank God for New York’s strict gun laws!)

I interviewed a local CIA operative who told me that the Agency was concerned about the recent influx in Russian assassins they have been tracking flying into JFK Airport.

“At first we thought they were here to assassinate the cast of Jersey Shore, though that may have been wishful thinking on our part” he said.

This being a capitalist country local businesses have been quick to pick up on the assassin market.  Many bars in Manhattan have started “Show us your poison-tipped umbrella get your second drink free” specials.

“Hey, a fella’s got to make a living.  And say what you will about assassins, they tip a lot better than college kids” said one bartender.

All of this has had the effect of making your humble blogger slightly paranoid. I have taken precautions. I don’t go out when it rains anymore.  I avoid Yakof Smirnoff.  I have sworn off hot dogs.

As I write this there is voicemail on my phone.  “Hello Manhattan Infidel.  This is Putin.  You mention me in blog I kill you.  Me and my army of assassins with poison-tipped umbrellas are coming to America. Sooner or later you’ll have to go out in the rain. There is no escape for you.  Your country is decadent and soft.  Oh, and can you get me tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas?  That Fergie is fergilicious!”

Note:  The Manhattan Infidel blog will be taking a short hiatus as he relocates to the Sahara Desert.

In perhaps the most stunning example of The Netherlands sharp turn to the right, bestiality has been banned in that country.

The country, which had previously allowed bestiality as long as the human partner was not harmed, and also was responsible for 80% of the world’s bestiality porn has announced that soon its number two export (number one being  crappy beer) will be illegal.

Already the repercussions from this backward-looking and conservative act are extensive.  Business owners are worried about a drop in tourism to The Netherlands.

“People come to The Netherlands for two things.  Crappy beer and bestiality.  And if you get rid of one, the other will not stand on its own.  Beer needs bestiality.  Bestiality needs beer” said one concerned business owner.

“Get rid of bestiality?  That’s what this country is know for!  Would Brazil ban transsexuals?  Would Mexico ban contaminated water?  Would New York City ban taxi drivers who don’t speak English, don’t know where they are going and are undercover Al Qaeda operatives?  Stop the madness!” declared a member of The Netherland’s opposition party.

In Amsterdam’s Red Light District, Fifi, a three-year old french poodle plied her trade.

“Come on.  A dog’s got to make a living right?  What am I going to do once it’s outlawed?  Get a job in Hollywood?  I got respect man.”

European Union President Jerzy Buzek said that he is “deeply disappointed” by the action of The Netherlands.

“I expect this right wing religious denial of sexual freedom in George Bush’s United States but not in progressive Europe.  The Netherlands is out of step with the prevailing attitudes and morals of Europe.  If they do not retract this law the European Union will use all its might, all of its power, to be very very mean to them.  We might even not invite them to dinner.”

Human prostitutes in the Red Light District have announced that they will stop servicing customers out of sympathy for their canine comrades until the law is repealed.

In a bizarre ceremony today at City Hall, a visibly intoxicated Mayor Bloomberg gave the keys to the city to the blogger Manhattan Infidel, who then tried to use the keys to the City to lock out the Irish.

The ceremony started at 11:00 A.M. when, much to the annoyance of those working in downtown Manhattan, streets were closed off (“for the crowd” said Bloomberg) and the NYPD randomly shot those walking on Broadway (“for security and it was fun” said Bloomberg.)

Mayor Bloomberg then walked to the podium in front of City Hall and proceeded to read from a prepared statement.

“Today is a great day, perhaps the greatest day in the history of New York City” said the Mayor as he pulled a flask from his suit jacket and drank from it.  He then ripped up his prepared statement and sat down, telling those around him that he had no idea what was going on, that God was dead and that he just wanted to go back to his office, throw up and cry until he passed out.

The blogger who calls himself Manhattan Infidel (though the police know him as “suspect no. 3″ in the lineup) then spoke.

“I am humbled and honored by this award.   And in the spirit of humility the first thing I intend to do with this key is lock out the Irish.”

As Mayor Bloomberg shouted in the background that he had soiled himself, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly informed Manhattan Infidel that the keys to the city were symbolic and that he couldn’t lock out the Irish.

This seemed to disturb Manhattan Infidel, who then asked if he could at least lock out the Mexicans.  He was informed that this would also not be possible.  At this point, Mayor Bloomberg started to remove his clothing while singing a medley of his favorite Ringo Starr songs.

With the morning in danger of getting out of hand and needing the podium for the 12:00 “Salute to Zoroastrianism and Cheese Puffs” ceremony it was agreed that Manhattan Infidel could use the keys to the city for any purpose other than locking out the Irish or the Mexicans.

Manhattan Infidel then pumped his fist into the air and shouted “I’m locking out the English”  before running up Broadway.

“Don’t worry” said Commissioner Kelly.  “We’ll taser him when he gets to Chambers Street.”

Mayor Bloomberg was last seen curled into a fetal position in City Hall Park.

In perhaps the first sane thing New York City’s elected officials have done in decades,  February 2010 has been declared “The Month of the Manhattan Infidel” in honor of the one-year anniversary of the Manhattan Infidel blog.

Christine Quinn, City Council President in making the declaration said, “New York City prides itself on its progressive values.  Everyone has a sanctuary on this island whether they be athiests, free-thinkers, or refugees from Dutchess County, New York.  Why, we even allow Republicans in Manhattan, though they must register with the police and wear a purple star.”

A schedule of events honoring Manhattan Infidel has been announced.

• On Wednesday February 3rd, Mayor Bloomberg will give the Manhattan Infidel the keys to the city.  “What the Hell, I don’t care anymore and I’m usually pretty drunk” said the Mayor.
• Friday February 5th there will be a parade up the Canyon of Heroes.  In lieu of ticker tape, all those in attendance are encouraged to throw money at the Manhattan Infidel.  Why?  To keep him off the streets of course.   Because when the Manhattan Infidel is on the streets, he gets angry and slaps strangers while shouting, “A curse upon the house of Boccanegra!”  Don’t ask, we don’t understand either.
• Finally, on Saturday February 13th the Manhattan Infidel invites all followers of his blog (the ones not institutionalized, that is) to join him from 6 to 8 P.M. at Fitzgerald’s Pub on 336 3rd Avenue for drinks, door prizes  and revenge upon the House of Boccanegra.

Already testimonials are pouring in congratulating the Manhattan Infidel on his one-year anniversary.  (Which, sadly, is his longest anniversary for anything not involving paid sex and Michelle Pfieffer’s Cat Woman outfit.)

Harry Reid writes, “I sense a kindred soul in the Manhattan Infidel.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m legally insane.”

Brett Favre made this comment on the historic anniversary:  “My head hurts.  I’m afraid the Manhattan Infidel will sack me.  I don’t like cities anyway.  Can I go home?”

Walt Whitman writes, “I’m dead.  Leave me alone.  Do you come here often?”

Julius Caesar comments, “Congratulations Manhattan Infidel.  Does this toga make my butt look fat?”

Tiger Woods writes, “I’m so hot for you honey.  Let’s do it on the 5th hole.  What?  Sorry, wrong web site.”

And finally, Satan writes, “While I admire the Manhattan Infidel’s work, I am not responsible for it.  However, many on his blogroll, and they know who they are, work for me.”

To make room for The Month of the Manhattan Infidel, Black History month has been moved to April, combined with Albanian History month and renamed “Oscar’s House of Pleasure.”

The Federal Government announced today that it will ban telephone poles from all U.S. owned property.

“We live in a new, brave, progressive America.  Telephone poles resemble crosses and as such, have been banned as a religious symbol” said a Department of Interior spokesperson.  “As our President has said, this is not just a Christian country anymore. We do not want to risk offending anyone with blatant western religious symbols.”

To show the Government’s dedication to progressive values, telephone poles will be replaced by DVDs of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

“How can anyone object to that.”  While the change is being done there may be slight problems with phone coverage but the Government sees no long-term problems.  “We’re the Government after all.  We do things better.”

Also on the short list of banned items is Carrie Underwood.  “We found that many men worshipped her with a near fanatical devotion.  This makes her a religious symbol and she will be banned.  Anybody found on Federal property with pictures of Carrie Underwood will be taken into custody.”

Friday will be banned.  “Friday is the end of the work week. Since most workers look forward to their weekends with religious fervor, we have decided to ban this word.  Fridays will now be know as ‘Also Thursday.’ ”

Toilets will be forbidden in all Federal offices.  “You’ve hear of the saying ‘praying to the porcelain God?’  That makes toilets religious symbols.”  Starting next week Federal employees will be provided with buckets in their cubicles for their own relief.  Employees will be encouraged to take their buckets outside during lunch hour for disposal.

Reproduction will be banned.  “The carbon footprint of sexual activity can be tremendous.  From now on all everyone who works for the Federal Government will be prohibited from engaging in reproductive activities.  Anyone caught having sex, real or imagined, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.  This will be strictly enforced.”

The new regulations take effect February 1st.

On the heels of the embarrassment over the Salahi’s crashing a presidential dinner comes word that yet a third gate crasher was also at the event.

When asked why the person was let in, a Secret Service agent responded, “What was I supposed to do?  He was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘I am definitely not a gatecrasher.’  I believed the shirt.  You either have faith in humanity or you don’t.  I choose to believe.  Okay, okay, I may have been a little drunk.”

Odd as it sounds, this is not the first time there has been a security breach at the White House during wartime.

During World War II the White House was subjected to numerous security breaches by English Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

“He showed up one day with a suitcase and decided to move in.  The Secret Service was unaware of his presence for two weeks” says a Secret Service historian.

“Then one day we were wheeling Roosevelt down the hall and out pops a naked Churchill smoking a cigar.  The President was carried out of the danger zone and several agents had to tackle the still naked Churchill.  One agent, who was unfortunate enough to grab Churchill’s genitalia, later went insane and chopped his hand off.”

A concerned Roosevelt was led to believe that the naked fat man was character actor Sydney Greenstreet and not Churchill, who was hustled off to a local train station and told never to come back.

During the Civil War the White House was repeatedly breached by none other than Mary Todd Lincoln.

“She was known as ‘The Hellcat’ to security personnel who had strict orders to keep her away from the President.  Once an agent shot her but the bullet bounced off her metallic, reptilian skin.  She then used her retractable claws to slice up the agent.  After that she was pretty much left alone.”

And of course every student of history is familiar with the embarrassing incident during the War of 1812 when Dolly Madison’s lover turned out to be a British spy with orders to burn down the White House and steal President Madison’s platform shoes.

But have no fear say the Secret Service.  Security procedures in place today are much stricter.  No one gets into the White House without a background check.

“Dude, we’re very strict here.  No one gets past us.  Well, one time my girlfriend has this amazing pot so we let her in and smoked it together.  But other than that nothing escapes us……..do you have cookies?”