Yesterday I detailed the government’s extraordinary findings on the workings of the Democratic brain. Today I will present to my readers the results of the government’s mappings of the Republican brain. The results are truly remarkable.
Unlike the Democratic brain, the Republican brain shows new growth.
“We were shocked by this” said a scientist.
We expected growth in brain size with Democrats, since we Democrats are much smarter and intellectually aware than Republicans. But the Republican Cerebral cortex had grown a whole new lobe. We didn’t know at first what function this lobe played in the brain.
It was by a happy accident that scientists discovered what the lobe was for.
One day a couple of us scientists were discussing politics and we all agreed, as intellectuals, that Republicans are just plain stupid. Troglodytes almost. And it was then we noticed an increase in neural activity in the new lobe. Indeed, every time we mentioned how intellectually inferior Republicans were brain activity in the lobe fired up. We hypothesize that this new lobe is responsible for self-loathing. We feel that this lobe evolved so that Republicans can feel more deeply how inferior they are to us. Which is only right.
Further testing was necessary to confirm the hypothesis. Republican test subjects were brought into a room and shown photos of Democratic movie stars.
When they asked for some photos of Republican movie star we informed them that there were no Republican movie stars. Movie stars are smart people, after all. This caused a commotion among the test subjects who started arguing among themselves how they could be more like Democrats.
Republicans were then wired to a lie detector device and asked the following questions:
- Why are you a racist?
- How long have you been a racist?
- Is this why you oppose the polices of President Obama?
“They denied being racist. But that just proves that Republicans like to lie” said a scientist quoted in the official report.
Republicans were then told the experiments would end only if they promised to support comprehensive immigration reform and vote for mainstream, moderate Republican candidates for office.
“They all seemed quite happy to do this. In fact many expressed disgust at conservatives principles and the so-called ‘Tea party movement.’ ”
I’m sure I speak for all my readers when I thank the Government for its contribution to science and the mapping of the human brain. (563)