During President Obama’s recent State of the Union address he mentioned that “our scientists are mapping the human brain” leading to speculation on when the mapping would be done and what would be discovered.
The wait is over. The Brain Activity Map Project, as it is called, has been finished. And what it reveals about the brain has scientist startled.
“We found profound differences in brain activity between Democrats and Republicans” said a neuroscientist involved with the project.
In the interest of the dissemination of knowledge I will now present the government’s findings in two parts. Part One will be dedicated to the findings about the Democratic brain.
The Democratic Brain
What surprised researchers the most when mapping the Democratic brain is the different function played by the Cerebral cortex.
Scientists came into the study convinced that the Cerebral cortex played the major role in awareness, thought, language and consciousness. After viewing the brains of Democrats their findings had to be revised.
“Amazingly we found that the cerebral cortex in a Democrat served only one function” according to a neurologist.
When we asked a Democrat to solve a riddle we found no brain activity. But when we asked that same Democrat if he wanted some free stuff, god his brain activity went off the charts. In fact the Democrats became belligerent until he was provided with said free stuff. I’m writing a paper on it. I call it the “Freeius Stuffius” syndrome. That’s Latin for “free stuff.” What? Okay so it’s not Latin. Cut me some slack. I’m very lonely. Does anyone know you’re here? Touch it. Touch my shame. Just touch it! It’s free!
Scientists also found that in Democrats the Cerebellum, the oldest evolutionary part of the brain that controls motor skills seems to grow over time.
We showed Democrats a PowerPoint presentation of the Federal government. And damn if the cerebellum didn’t grow larger when looking at the presentation. We have no explanation for this. When we stopped the presentation the cerebellum soon returned to its normal size. We also found that repeated exposure to the PowerPoint document permanently enlarged the cerebellum. This was naturally quite dangerous as the cerebellum is supposed to be limited in scope. The larger it got the more it took over other brain functions until it had almost a monopoly on brain activity.
Scientists tried to wean the Democrat brain from dependency on the federal government but were unsuccessful as the brain tended to explode.
Next: Part II – the Republican brain. (987)