Yet another Friday is upon us. Friday. Or as we like to call it at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, “just another joyless day filled with crap.” And in the spirit of joyless crap we now present yet another horoscope.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Mercury in your sign will help you get straight to the point today. Unfortunately mercury in your bloodstream will also mean itching, burning or pain, skin discoloration, swelling, desquamation, loss of hair, teeth and nails, transient rashes, muscle weakness and increased sensitivity to light. The consumption of fish is by far the most significant source of mercury poisoning. Face it. You’re Gollum, you freak. So go chase after your “precious” and leave normal folk alone.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
You seem a bit fearful at the moment. This is totally understandable seeing as how you are about to be attacked by a man suffering from loss of hair, teeth and nails who has a pronounced sensitivity to light. He will probably try to bite your finger off in an attempt to get his “precious.” You have no idea what a precious is and in a misguided attempt to help him will direct him to the “titty” bar down the street. You will live the rest of your life guilt-stricken as you pick up the paper the next day and see the headline, “Four strippers have fingers bit off.”
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Don’t get annoyed if you have to change your plans at the last moment. It is probably a good thing if you change your routine, seeing as the sword you are carrying has just turned blue, meaning Orcs are near. Your change in plans shouldn’t affect your social life, as you have none. Everyone knows you are the socially maladjusted loner who carries a sword with him. Police have already profiled you as a potential serial killer.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Adopt a confident attitude today. After all, it’s not like you are some maladjusted loner who always carries a sword with him. You have actually known the touch of a woman. Granted, it was in a crowded subway car and she maced you but technically you did know the touch of a woman. Your new confident attitude will work wonders with the ladies. They need not know that you live with your mother and she still breastfeeds you or that your best friend is an elf.
Gemini (May 22-June 22)
Your conclusions about another person’s motive could be wrong. Maybe your friend actually does want to return the ring of all power to Mt. Doom. Oh who am I kidding. He’s going to use it for his own selfish reasons. You should consider killing him in his sleep and framing some sword-carrying idiot for the crime. Then sell the ring on eBay. Just make sure you don’t sell it to an Aquarius suffering from hair loss and sensitivity to light.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
According to the planets your rivals are waiting for a chance to make you look bad. So don’t trust anybody. Especially that stupid fat hobbit who is your traveling companion. Send him on his way and continue your journey on your own. What could go wrong? Nothing! Well except for that giant spider who will capture you and spin an icky gooish web around you. Just be lucky you don’t live with your mother like that Taurus moron you know.
Leo (July 24-Aug 23)
Something needs to be brought into the open. Just not your penis. Especially not your penis as that would violate your parole. You will decide to go hiking today and while in the forest will be picked up by some talking trees. Convinced that you have finally gone insane you will spend the rest of your life in your bedroom, a shattered emotional wreck. Your emotional state will not be helped by the tree that keeps poking its head in your window and saying, “The Ents are going to war! It is likely that we go to our doom. The last march of the Ents.”
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23)
You must stop chopping all that wood. What? Are you an idiot? I don’t care if you are the head of your Order and bear a striking resemblance to Christopher Lee. You risk pissing off the talking trees. Seriously. Do you want the grouchy old talking trees that have no women to flood your tower and collapse it? Your lucky number is “seriously stop chopping down the forest.”
Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)
Keep your emotions in check and stop hitting on the niece of King Theoden of Rohan. I mean look at yourself. You’re a hairy dwarf and she’s royalty. And she has some nondescript accent. Probably Australian or New Zealand. Doesn’t matter. All those Limey wannabe’s sound the same. Just own up to your same-sex attraction to the blonde elf and you’ll be much happier.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
If you want other people to back what you are doing, stop melodramatically yelling “You shall not pass” at every freaking opportunity. I mean get over it. It was cute at first, what with your staff and all but it wore thin pretty quickly. Also, chances are pretty good that today you will be killed by a Balrog. I’m sorry. I probably should have told you that first. Oh well. Sucks to be you.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
If you sit back and wait for good things to come your way chances are an Aquarius will bite your fingers off. And you don’t want to go through life without your fingers, do you? Even sword-carrying socially awkward loners who live with their mothers will consider themselves superior to you. So get off your butt and join the rest of your friends on their dangerous journey. Though the chances of you surviving are slim. You will probably be shot with an amazing number of arrows before you die. I mean a freaking amazing number of arrows. The first five or ten will seem like nothing to you. But by the time the 20th arrow pierces your skin you will wonder why you couldn’t die quickly like the idiot who was killed by the Balrog.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
You cannot please everyone but you can please yourself. And you should please yourself. Just not in public as societal conventions still prohibit that. Oh what the hell. Let your freak flag fly. Who knows. You just might find yourself in a threesome with a dwarf and an elf. Just make sure those pervert talking trees don’t get involved because it’s been awhile since they’ve seen a woman and who knows what they are capable of. (2047)