In the wake of the Newtown massacre many asked “When will this happen again?” and “Let’s stop school shootings!” I suppose such sentiments are normal. But in my capacity as a member of the mainstream media let me pose this question: Have you considered the many benefits of a school shooting? For there is much to be gained by one. Let me detail the advantages.
- Everyone gets to talk about their feelings.
In the immediate aftermath of a school shooting, with the carnage and blood there will be an understandable need to ask oneself: “How does this effect me?” Indeed the death of 20 or so classmates is an excellent opportunity to get in touch with ones feelings. For feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. Who knows, you might even prove how sensitive you are by crying.
Like eating a heavy Mexican meal while downing twelve beers and then attempting to defecate, it will be painful at first. But keep pushing and grunting. Once those feelings make it past the blockage they will flow freely. As the song from the ’70s says;
Again in my heart
- Grief counselors! Grief counselors! Grief counselors!
This is related to the previous point. After all, who are you going to talk to about your feelings? A family member? A friend? That would be irresponsible. They aren’t even professional feeling interpreters.
In the immediate aftermath of a shooting grief counselors will be dispatched to your school. This is an excellent opportunity to talk to someone accredited by the American Psychological Association. Delve into your feelings of abandonment, self-loathing and shame. If you don’t have them, they will find these feelings for you. A school shooting is a great time for you and your grief counselor to ask this question: “Why do bad things always happen to me? And could I have prevented the shooting?”
Yes, technically that is two questions but isn’t it time we abandoned the European tyranny of math?
- You’ll be on TV! And this will make you important!
At the first sound of shots television crews from around the nation will converge on your school. As you are being led out a back door you have an excellent opportunity to be interviewed by a journalist. Your face will be plastered across the nation! Just remember which network interviewed you so you can watch it when you get home. Remember to tape it. That way you’ll have a memory of how important you were, if just for one brief shining moment.
- Television reporters are people too!
Being a television reporter is a lonely job. Weird hours. Traveling all the time. Days and weeks away from loved ones forcing one to engage in short-term sexual liaisons. And sometimes the “suits” at the network will try to cut costs forcing a reporter to travel economy instead of first class. It’s a hellish life.
But a school shooting is a great way for a stressed-out overworked reporter to get an Emmy. Remember: Reporters are people. Sometimes two, depending on whether they are pre-op or post-op.
And there you have it readers. Some of the many benefits of a school shooting.
- Grief Counselors!
- Give the Tranny an Emmy!
See you at the next massacre! (1988)