It has been a banner week here at Manhattan Infidel. On Monday I was named “Favorite Blogger” by the American Society of Shut-ins. On Tuesday I was not arrested by the NYPD (they must be slipping) and on Wednesday I took full advantage of not being arrested by pretending I was a dog and sniffing strangers’ crotches which, in Manhattan, barely passes as an infraction.
But none of that is what I want to talk about. Former baseball player Milton Bradley was recently arrested and charged with 13 misdemeanor counts including assault with a deadly weapon during a dispute with his wife. And so, once again in the spirit of the dissemination of facts I present the Official Baseball Player Malfeasance Template.
Former Major League Baseball player Milton Bradley was arrested for
- Choking his wife
- Kicking his wife
- Punching his wife
- Threatening his wife with a baseball bat
- Choking, kicking, punching and threatening with a baseball bat every single person he’s come into contact with.
According to his wife’s complaint he
- Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop smoking marijuana in front of their children
- Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop snorting cocaine in front of their children
- Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop mainlining heroin in front of their children
- Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop snorting their children
- Choked her with two hands. Reason? Who needs a reason?
- Choked her with two hands because he was sad over all the violence in the world
Bradley told police that he became enraged because
- It wasn’t Friday
- His Chicken McNuggets came with ranch sauce instead of honey barbeque as he specifically requested at the drive through window
- He had just bought the DVD of season six of Bewitched before realizing Dick Sargent and not Dick York played Darrin
- I mean seriously. Dick Sargent was a tool. Who wouldn’t become enraged?
- He was contemplating the Chicken McNugget theorem. Since McNuggets come in six, nine and 20 and six, nine and 20 are relatively prime, any sufficiently large integer can be expressed as a linear combination of these three. Therefore there exists a largest non McNugget number and all integers larger than it are McNugget numbers. Namely, every positive integer is a McNugget number, with the finite number of exceptions:
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 19, 22, 23, 25, 28, 31, 34, 37, and 43
Any larger integer can be obtained by adding some number of 6′s to the appropriate partition above.
Furthermore, a straightforward check demonstrates that 43 McNuggets can indeed not be purchased, as: boxes of 6 and 9 alone can not form 43 as these can only create multiples of 3 (with the exception of 3 itself); including a single box of 20 does not help, as the required remainder (23) is also not a multiple of 3; and more than one box of 20, complemented with boxes of size 6 or larger, obviously cannot lead to a total of 43 McNuggets.
- He’s just an asshole
Since leaving baseball Bradley has
- Concentrated on curbing his anger management issues
- Concentrated on curbing his, you know what? F*ck you pal!
- Concentrated on hitting people over the head with his baseball bat
- Concentrated on trying to solve the insoluble riddle that is the Chicken McNugget problem
- Concentrated on smoking pot in front of his children.
- Wha? I thought pot was supposed to mellow you out?
When contacted by Fox Sports’ Erin Andrews and asked to comment on the arrest, Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter
- Slept with Miss Andrews
- Told her he would comment later after he finishes sleeping with Minka Kelly
- Slept with Minka Kelly and then Erin Andrews
- Slept with Erin Andrews and then Minka Kelly
- Slept with them both
- Told her to call back as he was eating some Chicken McNuggets and was exercising his mind by contemplating the Chicken McNuggets theorem
To avoid potential jail time Bradley has promised to
- Apologize to his wife
- Smoke pot only in front of Ricky Williams
- Only choke Mexicans
- Okay, maybe Albanians too
- And Croatians
- You know what, why limit oneself? Bradley promised to choke everybody and what’s so damn wrong with living up to one’s potential?
And there you have it. My (hopefully) last professional athlete malfeasance template. Mm. These McNuggets are delicious. Dammit! I asked for honey barbeque sauce! (545)