It has been a rough couple of months for seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong. First came the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency) report about him in October. Now rumors have leaked out that Mr. Armstrong will admit to cheating. I am pleased and honored that his first interview since admitting his guilt is with me.
MI: Mr. Armstrong I just want to thank you again for agreeing to this sit-down. I know many wanted to interview you and I’m humbled you chose me.
LA: Thanks. Um. Oprah?
MI: Yeah. That’s me.
LA: You don’t look like Oprah.
MI: There is a key to a brand new car under your seat….HELLLLLLLOOOO!!
LA: I guess you are Oprah.
MI: Now let’s start the questioning. You admit to doping?
LA: Yes. I won all my Tour de France titles while using anabolic steroids.
MI: Why did you cheat?
LA: Everybody was cheating. Everybody uses steroids. Everybody!
LA: Oh please. Big time steroid user. I knew him when he was the Tasmanian Mellow Guy. Why do you think he’s the Devil now? It’s ‘roid rage.
MI: The 2004 Boston Red Sox?
LA: The entire team was on steroids. Big Papi? His original nickname was “Little Fella.” And they won! Everyone is against steroids but they produce results. Winning baby! Winning!
MI: Okay, I’ll concede the pressure to win is enormous. But don’t you feel you’ve let down the fans?
LA: Hey they should have known.
LA: Oh come on. I won my first Tour de France with a syringe sticking out of my ass for Christ sake.
MI: I thought that was a Gatorade drip.
LA: Moron! Anyway I’m here to apologize and make amends.
MI: Do you think that is possible?
LA: Look haven’t you ever made a bad life decision?
MI: Yes, but in my defense she looked better than the average 10th avenue hooker.
LA: You see! [Pause] Ewww. Everybody is on steroids. Everybody. Why pick on me. Even bloggers are on steroids.
MI: Bloggers are on steroids? Really.
MI: [Pause] Those. [Pause] Those are just rumors.
LA: Oh come on. [Pause] Oprah. Come one! Don’t be so naive. How do you think he manages to post five days a week?
MI: His intellect?
MI: No sex life?
LA: Well, I didn’t think of that.
MI: Anyway I see it’s time to close out this interview. Lance I thank you again for being on my show.
LA: Are you sure you’re Oprah?
MI: I will never have sex with a man.
LA: You are Oprah!
MI: Thank you for meeting with me. Goodbye.
You know they all have to be dirty. (133)