We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel pride ourselves on one thing: Our
ability to make farting noises with our armpits dedication to the truth. And in that spirit of dedication to the truth, from the moment news first broke of the arrest of New York Jets linebacker Bryan Thomas we were all over the story. We have had no sleep. We have had no food. We have had few prostitutes. All for you, dear readers. And so, we now proudly present the official NFL Player Malfeasance Template (Not to be Confused with the Official NBA Player Malfeasance Template.)
Bryan Thomas of the New York Jets was arrested by police for
- Punching his wife
- Choking his wife
- Pushing his wife
- Possession of marijuana paraphernalia
- Being Lindsay Lohan (possibly a case of mistaken identity)
- All of the above
Neighbors called the police after
- Hearing screams
- Hearing gun shots
- Hearing a chainsaw
- Hearing an unidentified female voice (possibly Lindsay Lohan’s) inquire as to where the marijuana paraphernalia is stored
- Hearing Jay Leno coming from their TV (people can only take so much)
- He’s a professional athlete. Neighbors didn’t hear anything but were being proactive.
A partial list of the drug paraphernalia found at Thomas’ home include
- A Havannah hookah
- Zig Zag rolling paper
- Six small glass vials commonly used to store marijuana
- 20 tablets suspected to be the painkiller hydrocodone
- A chemistry set commonly used to make crystal meth
- Charlie Sheen’s nostrils
If convicted, Thomas faces
- Jail time
- A whole lot of jail time
- Come on. He’s famous. Nothing will happen.
- Seriously. Why would a jury convict him. He’s on TV!
- I sat on the jury and he was real nice. He gave me his autograph and Charlie Sheen’s nostrils
- What the hell am I going to do with Charlie Sheen’s nostrils? I suppose I could put them in the fridge at work just to scare someone. Or I could use them as my secret ingredient in my blood pudding recipe
The New York Jets
- Have bigger problems
- Were just thankful that Rex Ryan didn’t have a tattoo of him on his ass
- Have promised to discipline him after the legal process has run its course
- Bryan who? Never heard of him.
- Until I find the remote and pet my chihuahua aint no one getting nothing!
- Come on Nancy pants. These are professional athletes. Just be lucky he doesn’t have bodies buried in the back yard or stuffed in the attic.
I hope the following template will help my readers find clear answers out of this confusing situation. (101)