It has happened again. A professional athlete has been questioned by the police in relation to a possible felony. In the interest of justice, in the interest of human dignity, in the interest of fair play, in the interest of the dissemination of public knowledge and always keeping in mind that everyone is innocent until proven guilty (with the exception of gun owners) I now present the official NBA Player Malfeasance Template:
Breaking news: Professional basketball player Andray Blatche of the Brooklyn Nets was questioned by police after
- An incident with a
- An incident with two
- An incident with a hotel room full of strippers
- An incident with an entire hotel of
- An incident with a hotel room of strippers and Charlie Sheen too!
- WTF? Brooklyn has a professional basketball team?
During questioning Blatche claimed as his alibi
- She’s just a stripper. Not human
- They were all strippers. No one will miss them
- Why are you questioning me? Jeesh you’d think I was Lindsay Lohan or something!
- Seriously. They were just strippers.
- Is Lindsay Lohan a stripper?
- WTF? I play for the Brooklyn Nets? When did that happen?
NBA Commissioner David Stern reacted to the incident by
- Ordering all teams to stay away from strippers
- Asking all teams to stay away from strippers
- Oh come on guys. Please? No more strippers! Please? Come on!!
- Asking that the addresses of legal gun owners in Westchester and Rockland Counties to be published
- Gun owners force my players to hang out with strippers
- The Brooklyn Nets? Man I have to lay off the crystal meth
exotic dancerstripper in question knew it was a basketball player because of
- The penis in her mouth
- The penis in her posterior
- The penis in her vagina
- He was 6′ 10″, black and had tattoos
- Wait, I can’t say that. That’s racist
- WTF? I was raped by a member of the Brooklyn Nets? I have to lay off the crystal meth
Brooklyn Nets owner, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has responded to the incident by
- Importing Russian
- Seriously. Have you seen some of the Russian
- Starting a pogrom. What? What do you mean we can’t do that in America?
- Banning Lindsay Lohan from all Nets games. (Hey, it can’t hurt!)
- Increasing the
exotic dancerstripper allowance in his players’ paychecks so they can afford the Russian ones
- WTF? I own the Brooklyn Nets? Time to fire my financial advisor
And there you have it. The official NBC Player Malfeasance Template. May it help my readers make sense of this tragic situation.