A high school in America stunned the world today by not having a mass shooting.
As soon as reports filtered in that a man, possibly white, possibly a socially awkward loner, and possible disgruntled over high taxes and the healthcare reform law, was seen in the hallways of the school national and international networks interrupted their regular programming to cover the soon-to-be tragedy as it unfolded.
SWAT teams from four different states converged on the unfortunate school. They soon located the potential homicidal maniac by his locker where it appeared he was grabbing his lunch. Though it might have been an Uzi.
Using concussion grenades to stun the student, they converged on him and soon had him in handcuffs. Forming a protective shield around him to prevent enraged teachers from possibly killing him they dragged the student/homicidal maniac out the front door where a phalanx of reporters waited, hoping to make some sense of the tragedy.
“Why do you want to kill people” asked one reporter.
Following that initial question the lowlife scumbag student/mass murderer was subjected to a steady stream of questions.
”Are you taking any medication for your schizophrenia?”
“Are you doing this because you think your taxes are too high?”
“Are you a teabagger?”
“How long have you been a gun nut?”
“Why do you hate brown people?”
Perhaps fearing that he was concealing more weapons beneath his armor* and not wanting to take any chances the brave SWAT team pumped round after round of bullets into him until they were sure he was dead.
Meanwhile frightened students were led out a back exit to be reunited with their anxious parents.
Members of the media, unflinching in their duty surrounded the students and their parents to ask them what they were feeling.
“Your children are still alive. How will you cope with the grief?”
“If there had been a shooting and your son died, would you feel sad?”
“Do you and your children hate brown people also?”
These were some of the probing questions asked by the future Pulitzer winners.
However, eventually disappointed that no students or their parents had broken into tears they rushed back to the front of the high school to photograph the dead body of the maniac.
Police brought in a robotic arm, stripping the body and probing its orifices to make sure no weapons were still on it. Once they were able to confirm that the body of the homicidal maniac was unarmed it was set on fire. After the fire had gone out a shallow pit was dug, filled with quicklime and the body dumped into it.
The principal of the high school has announced that classes will be cancelled for the next month, allowing survivors of the rampage to attend grief counseling, sensitivity and social justice classes.
“At a time like this, feelings are more important than math and science” he said.
* Initial reports that the gun-crazed, mentally ill homicidal maniac was wearing body armor appear to be incorrect. He was in fact wearing a J.Crew slub jersey polo with porter blue stripe and Dickie slacks for J.Crew in urban slim fit.
Authorities cite the clothing as further evidence that the student was intent on mass murder and harbored a deep hatred for brown people. (519)