In what promises to be groundbreaking in the realm of entertainment, the Walt Disney Company has announced that it has bought all rights to the famous “Zapruder Film” of the JFK assassination.
“We were looking for a new property” said Chairman Bob Iger. “Time was of the essence and we got tired of waiting around for someone to assassinate a Bush. Any one. Doesn’t matter.”
Hoping to emulate the success of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings films, Iger announced that the Zapruder film will be re-lensed in its entirety and made into a trilogy.
“Everything will be the same” he said. “Except for everything that we will change.”
When pressed for details Iger told reporters
Well obviously I can’t tell you everything but for instance Lee Harvey Oswald will be an Orc, Jacqueline Kennedy will be Elven, John Connally will be a hobbit and President Kennedy will be human. But other than that very few details have been changed. Except the assassination takes place in Middle Earth. And there are giant talking trees. And there’s a wizard played by whatever old English actor is cheapest. He tries to stop the assassination but has to battle a dragon who we hope will be played by John C. Reilly. But other than that not much has changed. We’ll be filming in New Zealand of course. Prettier scenery than Dallas. But other than that everything is as the historical assassination was. Oh, I almost forgot. There’s a ring of power that Kennedy was trying to bring to Mount Doom. Other than that everything is – oh and before I forget John Rhys-Davies is in the movie. No he doesn’t play a dwarf. We just bought the rights to the “Sliders” TV show and it’s a tie-in.
Iger also announced that principal lensing will begin in March and gave the titles to the three installments to their new Zapruder film. The first will be called “The Fellowship of the Bubbletop Convertible.” The second will be “The Two Bullets” and the third will be called “The Return of the Skull Fragments.”
We’re hoping to get Peter Jackson himself to direct. But if he’s unavailable Ben Affleck said he’d do it. But we have to add Matt Damon to the cast and put in an anti-fracking subplot. But that’s not a deal-killer because the Disney Corporation prides itself on being green.
The trilogy will be lensed with high-definition wide angle cameras.
The original Zapruder film was very grainy, unfocused and the camera bounced around alot. It was like watching “Battle Los Angeles.” The new film will have the high production values one normally associates with Disney. Except for Walt’s private porn stash of course. That was filmed using Super 8 handheld cameras. With an anti-fracking subplot. Because Walt always prided himself on being green.
If the Zapruder trilogy is successful Disney hopes to follow up with a new film about the United 93 flight that crashed outside Shanksville, Pennsylvania.
Everything is as it was on the actual day of 9/11. Except the hijackers work for an oil company and the plane is brought down by a gas cloud caused by fracking. Because Disney prides itself on being green.
The first film in the Zapruder trilogy is expected to be released in the summer of 2014. (436)