Chris Berman: Hello I’m Chris Berman and I’m joined by Suzy Kolber as we bring to you today the best in cliff diving.
Suzy Kolber: Thank you Chris. And what an exciting competition we have for our viewers today as our two contenders Harry Reid and John Boehner vie for the title of Cliff Diving Champion of the World.
Chris Berman: May I kiss you?
Suzy Kolber: No.
Chris Berman: Bitch. Anyway onto our first contestant.
Suzy Kolber: Yes Chris. John Boehner is trying to unseat the champion Harry Reid.
Chris Berman: And I hear there is tension between the two.
Suzy Kolber: That there is. We have obtained this video of the two of them in the dressing room:
[Cut to tape]
Harry Reid: I like cliff diving. America likes it.
John Boehner: F*ck you!
Harry Reid: What?
John Boehner: F*ck you Harry!
Chris Berman: Wow. Lots of tension there. And here come John now. He steps up to the edge of the cliff.
Suzy Kolber: And as is his trademark, Boehner bursts into tears.
Chris Berman: What a showman he is. And here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Boehner is going over the cliff!
[Boehner jumps off cliff and crashes on the rocks below]
Suzy Kolber: Oh. Too bad. He landed on top of the shoals of unfunded liabilities. That has got to hurt.
Chris Berman: That’s going to cost him. The judges won’t like that one bit.
Suzy Kolber: Not to mention he might lose valuable support.
Chris Berman: But you have to admire Boehner. He’s a trooper. Look at him down there, bleeding on the rocks. Yet he still has time to cry for his base.
Suzy Kolber: And now it’s onto the acknowledged champion, Harry Reid.
Chris Berman: Suzy as you know Harry has has some embarrassments this year when his sponsors backed out.
Suzy Kolber: That’s right Chris. For awhile it looked like he might not have the funding to participate today. He had to harangue his rich friends to pay some more until he finally got the money.
Chris Berman: I understand that he’s talking to the Chinese about funding.
Suzy Kolber: Well good luck on that. The Chinese still haven’t gotten their money back from the last time Reid borrowed from them.
Chris Berman: And he’s about to jump! Wait. He’s motioning something.
Suzy Kolber: I believe he’s saying he doesn’t have to jump. That Boehner jumped first.
Chris Berman: And that makes Reid the winner yet again!
Suzy Kolber: That’s why he’s the master!
Chris Berman: Well that about wraps it up for us from the Cliff Diving championships. Up next on ESPN: Poker! May I kiss you Suzy?
Suzy Kolber: Go to hell!