Greetings America from the Department of Homeland Security!
The new year is upon us. Like many of our citizens, documented and undocumented, we are sure that you have exciting new year’s eve plans. And we here at the Department of Homeland Security would like help you have a great, exciting, safe and government-controlled new year. Accordingly the following provisions have been promulgated to ensure everyone’s safety. Your cooperation is desired. Though if you don’t cooperate we will publish your home address and you will go into our database as anti-government. Or as we like to call them in the security business: Unmutuals.
- Homeland Security has over 30,000,000 cameras at important landmarks, street corners, high schools, junior high schools and elementary schools to watch for unmutual behavior. However, putting up cameras everywhere would be prohibitively expensive. Especially now that we are going over the fiscal cliff thanks to the teabaggers. Accordingly we ask all Americans to download our new app (available on iTunes) that can be placed on your desktop, laptop or handheld device so we can better observe, document and regulate your behavior.
- Many of you will feel compelled to drink fermented or distilled beverages in abundance. We at homeland security frown upon this. The consumption of alcoholic beverages leads to behavior that cannot be easily controlled by the government. You might say something you’ll regret for the rest of your life, like expressing sympathy with the tea party or arguing that our government is a government of limited powers as expressly dictated in the Constitution. We suggest nonalcoholic beer. If you absolutely must imbibe take high speed rail home. If you live in an area without high speed rail, stay home, install our app and let us monitor you.
- Many of you will try to ring in the new year with sexual activity. We at homeland security believe sex is a beautiful thing. However, if you must have sex please wear a condom or other form of birth control. You do not want to bring children into this world. At least until our President Barack Obama solves the fiscal problem. If a condom or other birth control device is unavailable and you still insist on sexual relations we suggest you close your eyes and picture Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. Imagine her on top of you. Her smooth, milky-white thighs pressed against your body. Her breasts hovering over your face. Her hand caressing your “member.” Her tongue reaching to explore your secret places. If you do this we feel confident you will not be able to perform. (We have Beta-tested this and it works!)
- If you have installed our app (and we highly recommend you do) we suggest you wear a portable microphone so the agent monitoring you can listen to your conversation. We want you to have fun and have an unenforced, natural conversation. However, do not use the phrase “tea party.” In fact, do not even use the word “tea” as this can be construed as anti-government sentiment. If you must drink tea call it something else such as “mombo banana can snizzle truck.”
So dear fellow document and undocumented Americans, just follow the above steps and have a safe and government-controlled new years. Come to Homeland Security for our yoke is easy and our burden light. Unless you are unmutual.
But as one last warning, if you insist on having sexual relations without the assistance of birth-preventing devices think of Janet Napolitano. Imagine her lady parts being thrust into your face as she says, “I bathed today. And you know you want it.”
Don’t be an unmutual! (82)