‘Tis the season for giving. And if I ever find that hooker who gave me the clap boy will I give her a piece of my mind!
And in the spirit of giving today I have decided to give my readers just a taste of Christmas headlines from the paper of record: The New York Times. Now what methodology did I use when deciding which headlines to use you may be asking? You may also be asking why I am dressed as Shirley Booth. Don’t ask. It’s how I roll. Now onto the headlines!
December 25, 2012: Pope Calls for Peace on Earth but Leaves Out Vital Role Played by the U.N.
Pope Benedict in his Christmas message to a mostly white crowd called for everyone to recommit themselves to peace on Earth by following Jesus. Conspicuously missing in his speech was any mention of the United Nations, perhaps the greatest force for peace the world has ever known. Why did the Pope leave out the U.N.? Perhaps he’s a gun nut……..
December 25, 2011: Shepherds Abandon Flock They Were Watching and Are Fired!
Perhaps no incident better displays the inherent injustice of labor laws than the fate of the shepherds who were guiding their flock. They abandoned their flock to see the infant Jesus and were later fired by their employer. Didn’t these poor shepherds have any time off? Did they have no protection from the capriciousness of ownership? Why weren’t the shepherds union members? Did the occupying Jews pass so-called right to work laws?……….
December 25, 2010: Did the Three Wise Men Offer Joseph and Mary Health Insurance?
After an exhaustive two-year investigation by the Times we have revealed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the three wise men spoken of in the Bible were actually insurance agents. Why else would they offer Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh? These were ancient health products. Obviously they were trying to temp Joseph and Mary into buying expensive health insurance. And being poor, they could not afford it. If only Herod had offered a single-payer option……..
December 25, 2007: Would Cross Control Have Saved Jesus?
According to tradition, Jesus died a slow, agonizing death upon a cross. Archeological evidence suggests that ancient Palestine had a wild west mentality and that private cross ownership was common among the population. Everyone it seemed owned a cross. Jesus was, after all, just a poor black man trying to eke out a living as a carpenter amongst the cruelty of the occupying Jews. It is worth asking this question: Would cross control have saved Jesus? If the population of Palestine were restricted in their cross rights perhaps Jesus would have lived. We’ll never know of course but to the editorial board of the New York Times this makes sense……
December 25th, 2006: No Room at the Inn? Republicans Deregulate Hotel Industry!
In the infancy narratives of the so-called “New Testament” it is revealed that there was no room at the local inn and that the baby Jesus was born in a manger. Why was there no room in the inn? Perhaps the Republicans of ancient Palestine had deregulated the hotel industry, undermining certain civil rights provisions. Perhaps Joseph and Mary, being black, were denied a room because of the prejudice of the occupying Jews……..
And there you have it readers. Just a brief sampling of traditional New York Times Christmas day headlines. Enjoy the season! (434)