Here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement mentions our pride in disseminating the latest in culture. And what says culture more than a cheap made for TV movie? The mission statement also mentions I am lactose-intolerant. Yet I also love to eat pizza with extra cheese. While eating ice cream.
And practicing auto-eroticism. And drinking milk. And now with the Christmas holiday behind us it is time to review this year’s top Christmas-themed specials. And please, lay off the cheese. I have a sensitive digestive tract.
Unlike the innocent Christmas specials of the past which featured singers such as Andy Williams or Bing Crosby singing holiday staples the new crop of Christmas specials were more “cutting edge.“ A brief sampling of which follows.
Deck the Halls with Boughs…….of MURDER!
This very popular TV movie featured Carrot Top in his hoped for comeback role as a HGH using, steroid abusing Santa who steals money from people’s homes after delivering presents. Unfortunately one such home owner catches him in the act.
Most memorable moment: A naked Carrot Top covered in blood, holding a butcher’s knife and saying, “I just wanted your money, bitch!”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Because Its Natural Habitat was Destroyed by Deforestation)
A global warming-themed Christmas special produced by Al Gore’s Current TV featured a herd of crazed and hungry reindeer that invade a suburban Cul-de-sac, running over grandmothers, eating children and defecating on lawn ornaments. Catastrophe is averted as resident agree to forgo cars, light bulbs and flush toilets to stop anthropogenic global warming.
Most memorable moment: The reindeer, panicked and crazed by their unfamiliar surroundings stomp, bite and tear the flesh off a naked and blood-covered Carrot Top.
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas (So Get That Nativity Scene Off Government Property!)
One of the more popular and inclusive Christmas specials, this one shows the origins of Christmas in ancient Kwanzaa practices going all the way back to the mid-1960s. A typical suburban family, disturbed by the exclusive practices of Christmas sue to remove a nativity display from a courthouse square and replace it with the core Kwanzaa principles of unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity and faith.
Most memorable moment: A naked Carrot Top, dressed only in a yarmulke crashes a Kwanzaa celebration and asks if Jews could participate, since “the Jews of the bible were Africans.”
The Night Before Christmas and All Through the House was Blood and Gore (Thanks to a Lack of Gun Control)
Produced before the tragic events in Connecticut this anti-gun movie features Carrot Top as a mild-mannered paper salesman who one day finds a discarded gun in the street and goes on a horrifically violent killing spree. Fortunately the horrified and guilt-stricken survivors give up all their weapons, leaving only the benevolent security force of the state armed.
Most memorable moment: A naked and covered in blood Carrot Top looks down at the gun in his hand and says, “I’ve never committed a crime in my life. But from the moment this gun was in my hand I had an uncontrollable urge to kill. This gun is possessed!”
I’ll be Home for Christmas (Thanks to High-Speed Rail)
Produced the the California Department of Tourism this movie revolves around a post-apocalyptic world destroyed by global warming. The band of survivors vow to rebuild their society but without carbon monoxide producing cars or Earth destroying 100-watt light bulbs.
Most memorable moment: Carrot Top (naked because clothing causes global warming) vows in front of an excited crowd, “As God, or science, is my witness I shall never be hungry again and I will only eat local produce as I take high speed rail home for Christmas!”
And there you have it readers. What a memorable crop of TV movies. (2081)