Rudolph Tells Santa to “Shove It!”

Shove it Santa!  Where are my health benefits?

In what may have far-reaching implications for Christmas and boys and girls everywhere, Rudolph, reindeer with a nose more colorful than Jim J. Bullock, has told Santa that he will not help him deliver toys this Christmas eve.

“Now he wants my help? Now?” said an obviously distressed Rudolph.

All I ever wanted was to be one of the reindeer that helped Santa bring toys to all the gentile boys and girls.  I tried out several times for his team  I even tried out for the practice squad.  But he kept rejecting me.  “No reindeer with a nose like that will be on my team.  I’d be ashamed.”  Ashamed of what?  C’mon man!  Fat boy really knows how to hurt a reindeer.  I don’t care if there is a blizzard.  I’m not helping him.

Psychologists are convinced that Rudolph’s refusal to help is a classic case of “Disappointed in Daddy Syndrome.”  

Said a psychologist on the North Pole’s payroll:

Look, Rudolph has issues.  I wouldn’t want to be him.  His childhood wasn’t the easiest.  His father disowned him and was ashamed of his red nose.  Ever since then Rudolph has sought to transfer his daddy love to another older male.  Which could in part explain his adventurous sex life. But to make a long story short he latched onto Santa as a father figure.  And then Santa did the same thing that his father did:  rejected him.  That has to be tough for a reindeer.  I just hope Rudolph is taking his meds.

Despite the diagnosis by psychologist Rudolph denies that his decision is influenced by any so-called “Daddy issues.

This is business, nothing personal.  Fact of the matter is Santa’s been dicking me around for months now.  I was originally hired by a contractor.  Then that contractor lost his contract. So I asked Santa if I was going to be hired by the North Pole.  He said, “Sure kid.  Any day now.”  But instead I was fobbed off on another sub-contractor.  No benefits or anything.  Then that contractor lost his contact.  So I go back to Santa again and say, “Hey, what’s going on?  Are you going to hire me?”  And he again says, “Any day now kid” but instead they put me off on some temp agency.  No direct deposit, no nothing.  I have to fax my hours in every week and wait for the paycheck in the mail.  Hello?  Is this 1970?  Paycheck in the mail?  Yeah, you’re goddamn right I’m pissed.  So that’s why I’m sitting out this year.  If the kids don’t get their presents tell them to have Santa hire me.

Already there are reports of crying children begging Santa to hire Rudolph.  Santa’s workshop in the North Pole has been inundated with mail and his servers have crashed.

Despite this Santa stands by his decision to not hire Rudolph.

“Look, Rudolph’s a pain in the ass” said St. Nick.

He’s always late for work. Has a bad attitude and he keeps asking the elves to “polish his red nose.”  I don’t even want to know what that means.

Ironically, just like Rudolph, Santa maintains that his decision is not personal but based on the situation on the ground.

“I’m a businessman.  Reindeer are a big expense.  Maybe next year I’ll hire him if someone quits.”

(1130)

3 Responses to “Rudolph Tells Santa to “Shove It!””

  1. Santa is a raaaaacist!

    Have a very merry Christmas, my friend!

  2. Look, if I don’t get my new GI Joe action figure, I’m taking out St. Dickless and Rudolph The Jerk-Faced Jerkoff with a sack of Doritos Locos Tacos. Twenty-four hours on a toilet will get them back together real quick.

    Merry Christmas to the great and powerful Manhattan Infidel. You do awesome work here, homie. Thanks for all the laughs.