Local policeman Bert the Cop has been ordered to appear before Bedford Falls’ civilian complaint review board following yet another shooting.
“On Christmas Eve Bert the Cop did unholster and fire his weapon at a citizen of Bedford Falls” said the mayor. “And if we’re going to have the only cop on the force shooting at our citizens they had better be black folk!”
According to the complaint in question, on a snowy Christmas Eve Bert the Cop, a 15-year veteran of the police force fired at George Bailey six times. Not only did Bert not identify himself as a cop but he fired into a crowd of civilians, fatally wounding three.
Fortunately for the newly-formed civilian complaint review board a local citizen filmed his rampage, which will be presented as evidence at the hearing:
Indeed this is not Bert the Cop’s first lethal event. Records unsealed reveal that he has been involved in 358 fatal shootings during his years on the force.
“If it weren’t for the fact that he’s the only cop we have” said the mayor, “we might have fired him long ago.”
But you see Bedford Falls is a poor town. We don’t have much of a tax base to afford to hire more cops. Most of the citizens have sunk their life savings into that stupid building and loan run by the corrupt Bailey character.
For years rumors have abounded that Bert the Cop and Ernie the cab driver (pictured here)
were running a prostitution ring with suspected madame Violet Bick.
Bert of course denies any wrongdoing.
“I’m just a hard-working civil servant” he told reporters.
Sure sometimes I’m rough. But that’s part of the job of being a cop. There’s a lot of lawlessness out there. So I’ve shot a few hundred people. Anarchists, socialists and Jews for the most part. But when an evildoer is lying on the ground with my bullet in him he’ll think twice before coming back to Bedford Falls!
Perhaps because of Bert the Cop the tiny town of Bedford Falls was voted “Town most likely that you’ll be shot by a cop.”
The new mayor of Bedford Falls vows that all this will change.
I was elected to clean up this town. The reign of terror by Bert the Cop is over. I’m going to hire a new policeman. Maybe two! And we have the tax base to do it now. Old man Potter has promised to invest millions in our downtown. We’re going to have bars, nightclubs. People will want to come to Bedford Falls and spend money.
Bert the cop is scheduled to appear before the civilian complaint review board at the beginning of the month. If found guilty he will be discharged from the force and forfeit his pension.
Bert the cop appears unfazed by this.
“I got other sources of income.” (176)