Recently I was touched to receive the following email from a young reader:
Dear Manhattan Infidel. I am eight years old. Some of my friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says “If you see it in Manhattan Infidel it is so.” Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus? VIRGINIA O’HANLON 115 WEST 59TH STREET.
Well this letter had to be responded to. I could not break the heart of an eight year old girl. And so readers, here is my reply:
Virginia your little friends are wrong. Not as wrong as the time they trusted that clown with the free candy. But wrong nonetheless. They have been infected with the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe unless they see.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. No it is not the same Santa Claus less enlightened, more “Christian” generations believed to be Santa. For what exactly is “Santa”? Is he, as our racist forefathers believed, a fat jolly man who came once a year to give toys to boys and girls who weren’t Jewish?
No Virginia. That is too horrible to imagine in our new America. For our new Santa gives gifts 365 days a year. Our new Santa gives free stuff to everybody regardless or race, creed or color. (Assuming they make less than $200,000 a year.)
Our new Santa is the Federal government. And the Federal government does exist. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist. Devotion to the Federal government and its leader Barack Obama give to life its highest beauty and joy (assuming you make less than $200,000 a year.)
Alas how dreary the world would be if there were no Federal government or Barack Obama. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance, no free stuff (assuming you make less than $200,000 a year) to make tolerable this existence.
Not believe in the Federal government? You might as well not believe in fairies. Nobody sees the Federal government, especially if they are dying in a Libyan embassy or freezing in Staten Island after their homes were destroyed by hurricane Sandy. But that is no sign that the Federal government does not exist. Did you ever see fairies dancing on a lawn? Of course not because that would be a hate crime. But that is no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders and free stuff the Federal government holds (for those making less than $200,000 a year.)
Only faith in the Federal government and love for the federal government and all its free largesse can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory that is our government. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding like the Federal government.
No Santa Claus? Thank god he exists in the Federal government. A thousand years from now, nay, ten thousand years from now, the Feds will continue to make glad the heart of Hispanics and others who make less than $200,000 a year with its free stuff.
What the hell kind of name is “O’Hanlon”? Are you Irish? Then stay away from the booze kid. It’s the curse of you people.