Recently I had the chance to sit down with E.T., beloved extra-terrestrial, illegal immigrant and registered Democrat. During our talk I had the opportunity to ask him many questions of interest, ranging from his personal life to why he is still on Earth.
MI: Good afternoon E.T.
E.T.: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. But you know E.T. is just the name Earthers gave me.
MI: Really? I did not know that. What is your real name?
E.T.: You Earthers couldn’t pronounce it.
MI: Just like Spock’s!
E.T.: Don’t compare me to that Vulcan punk.
MI: Okay. Let me start out by asking you what everyone wants to know: How did you get stranded on Earth?
E.T.: Well I was just looking for work, you know. The economy is pretty bad on my planet, what with the drug wars and all so I rode the wormhole, climbing the fence we call it in my world.
MI: And then what happened?
E.T.: I was chased by a bunch of border agents – probably Republicans – and they tried to arrest me but I escaped.
MI: What makes you think they were Republicans?
E.T.: Hello? Republicans hate brown people. Are you ignorant?
MI: No. I had the best education our public schools offer. [Pause.]
MI: Okay, you have a point. So what happened after that?
E.T.: I found shelter with these kids who took me into their home. They’re Democrats you know.
MI: Is this when you first became addicted to alcohol?
E.T.: Who knew beer was so powerful? We have nothing like it on our world. No alcohol. Lots of hallucinogenics. But no alcohol. And I liked the beer.
MI: The next couple years were your so-called “lost years” weren’t they?
E.T.: Yep. I spent the next 20 years drunk. I mean, not just run of the mill drunk. I’m talking Diane Sawyer drunk. And the alcohol led to the drugs and the next thing you know I’m waking up next to Lindsay Lohan.
MI: You slept with Lindsay Lohan?
E.T.: Well, technically I didn’t sleep with her. She thought I was a bag of heroin and tried to smoke me. Yeah, she’s chasing the dragon as they say.
MI: But you’re clean now?
E.T.: Yes. Clean and sober.
MI: So what do you do for a living?
E.T.: I play my guitar on the subways looking for handouts.
MI: So you are a Democrat?
E.T.: F*ck you you f*cking racist.
MI: Okay calm down. My final question: why are you still on this planet? Didn’t you try to phone home?
E.T.: I tried but my service provider is Verizon. I never had any bars and even if I did I’m over my minutes.
MI: That sucks.
E.T.: F*cking Verizon sucks. Those f*cking racist assh*les!
MI: Are you sure you’re sober?
E.T.: Well, just some cough medicine. But that doesn’t count.
MI: Okay, well I’ll leave you alone now.
E.T.: Do you have a dollar? Change? Any contribution will help.
MI: Sorry. I have nothing to give.
E.T.: F*cking racist! Where the hell is my bottle of cough medicine?
[He pulls out the bottle of cough medicine and it drops and shatters on the ground.]
E.T.: Oh f*ck me!
E.T.: I got a knife. Give me your f*cking wallet you f*cking racist white boy!
And on that note I left, well, actually fled from, E.T. It’s always tough to see one’s childhood heroes in such a sad state. (545)