New York City Suffers Through Crime-Free Day

No shootings or stabbings?  I blame the teabaggers!

It is a well-known fact that everything in the so-called respectable press should be read warily.  Usually the facts are only half-right and premises can be delusional.  Such was the case with a recent story that New York City had gone through an entire day without one shooting or stabbing.

Naturally the world-wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  A complete day with a shooting or a stabbing?  What could have caused this?  Global warming?  Tea baggers?  Is this the beginning of the apocalypse?  Or is it the result of Mayor Bloomberg’s wise policy of forbidding 32-ounce drinks?

I had to find the truth even if it meant staying up all night.  Sober.  Without call girls, trannies, whips, bondage devices, Lance Bass or Rihanna.

And the truth is this:  The media lied.

While there were no shootings or stabbings this was just a technicality and does not take into affect the difference between what New York considers shootings and stabbings and what the rest of America considers a shooting or a stabbing.

Here are the facts:

New York City experienced 36 shooting incidents during the 24-hour period in question.  However they did not count under New York City by-laws as shootings.

  • Twenty eight of those shot were shot only once which in New York counts as a non emergency medical condition such as the common cold or watching The View.
  • Seven were shot two to five times.  Again, this technically does not count as a shooting as being shot only two to five times is a typical even in many New York bars.
  • And finally, one person shot himself after realizing his new laptop came preloaded with Windows 8.  Buyer beware and again, not considered a shooting.

Now onto the stabbings.  There were in fact 252 stabbings in New York City during this 24-hour period.  These are not considered stabbings as those stabbed had it coming.

  • Ninety seven were stabbed by their spouse.  Serves them right for taking part in the bourgeois institution of marriage.
  • One hundred and nineteen were stabbed after making eye contact with a stranger on the street.  Idiots.
  • Thirty six were tourists who were stabbed after asking a New Yorker how to get to Carnegie Hall.  Never ask a New Yorker for directions to Carnegie Hall.  It brings out the worst in us.

And so you see readers, while the headline “No shootings or stabbings in New York City” was technically correct the reality was far different.

What?

What the f*ck are you looking at?  Did you just look at me?  Did I ask you to look at me?

Come over here!  I’m gonna have to stab you now.  Punk. (644)

5 Responses to “New York City Suffers Through Crime-Free Day”

  1. I love statistics. Statistics is a valuable analytical tool. And, if one kows how to play with the numbers, one can make people believe all kinds of crazy shit.

  2. RWT says:

    Wow so much gun crime, i thought you guys did the wise thing and banned those nasty guns. Like us, yes we also have zero crime here, just believe it, or else!

  3. I remember the marathon controversy after Sandy when the media reported on New Yorkers screaming at would-be participants. I don’t remember what channel it was, I think Fox, where the anchors opined that it’s all understandable given the circumstances, and that in actuality New Yorkers are nice. Right.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    EOTS: We are nice. Really. What? What are you looking at?