As is my wont here at Manhattan Infidel I occasionally like to turn the pages of my blog over to guest commentators. Today it is my pleasure to welcome Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt. Take it away Brad!
Thank you Manhattan Infidel. I am happy to address the readers of your award-winning blog.
Note: My blog hasn’t won any awards. I just told Mr. Pitt that so he would agree to write in it.
I love America. I love everything about it. Especially the parts in New York and California. Not so much the parts in between though. Anyway, I’d like to talk to you about a subject that I, as one of the American elite, feel very strongly about:
Equality is what defines us. Not our Constitution. Not our so-called “melting pot.” Not crappy movies like “Meet Joe Black.”
Equality. We are all equal. And as a member of the elite I’d like to use my position to talk about gay marriage.
Gay people should have the right to marry. I feel so strongly about this that I will not marry Angelina Jolie until all 48 states pass laws legalizing gay marriage.
That’s how strongly I feel on this issue of equality. That’s how strongly all the elite feel on the issue of being equal.
Just the other day I said to my Mexican maid, “Juanita, you and I are equal.” Then I told her to move her Ford Windstar out of my parking spot. I mean I drive a Cadillac. How would it look to the neighbors to see a minivan in my parking spot? I’ll tell you how it would look. My neighbors would say, “Look at the car Brad’s driving. He’s no longer part of the elite.” And that would make me not equal to them.
I had to fire her for her indiscretion. But not to worry. The affordable healthcare act will cover her health benefits.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes. Equality.
Until gay marriage is recognized in all 55 states I will not marry Angelina Jolie.
Angelina’s pushing 40 anyway. So besides the gay marriage thing it’s probably time to dump her.
I mean do you know what happens women who are older than 25? Body parts start to sag. Body parts dry up. Parts that are very important to the elite. Female body parts that define America.
And so my fellow Americans let me just close in saying that equality is very important to me. Equality in fact. Equality in – HEY YOU KIDS GET OFF MY CADILLAC! – equality in statute. That’s why I support gay marriage rights in all 37 states.
And let me repeat this: I will not marry – I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET THE F*CK OFF MY CADILLAC! – I will not marry Angelina Jolie until gay marriage is the law of the land.
Of course by the time this happens Angelina will probably be in her mid-forties. And the thought of touching a woman that old is repulsive to one of the elite such as myself. But I still support gay marriage even without Angelina.
Equality! It defines us!
Thank you Brad Pitt for taking the time out of your busy schedule to grace the pages of my blog.
News Flash: Brad Pitt has broken up with Angelina Jolie and has started dating Olympic silver medalist McKayla Maroney.
Said Pitt, “It’s true love. And she’s young! Dating young women is something the elite believe very strongly in. It makes us all equal.” (459)