In the wake of another weekend gone by without a shooting by Tim Tebow, NBC sports personality Bob Costas used halftime to speak on the subject and advocate for “Jesus Control.”
We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are not in the business of advocating for any position. But in my capacity as a
bitter, lonely alcoholic who has never known the touch of a woman member of the mainstream media I have decided to give the full transcript of Costas’ remarks.
In the aftermath of the nonfatal nonshooting nontragedy involving notorious Christian Tim Tebow that most mindless of sports cliches was heard again: “Hey the stripper gave me V.D.” Um. No not that cliche. This one: “Something like this really puts it all in perspective.” Please.
You want some actual perspective on this? Our current “Jesus culture” ensures that more and more nonfatal nontragic nonshootings will occur. And more and more the ultimate tragedy will occur: I will not have a chance to sound sanctimonious. Jesus does not enhance our safety. He exacerbates our flaws, tempts us to not escalate our arguments, and baits us into not embracing confrontation. In the coming days Tim Tebow’s nonactions will be analyzed. Who knows. But this is what I believe. If Tim Tebow didn’t believe in Jesus he might have possessed a gun and two or more people would be dead today.
Make no mistake. Tim Tebow is a controversial figure who doesn’t share the values of the National Football League or its players. Tim Tebow is not violent. He is not promiscuous. He has never ordered the murder of a woman carrying his child. Or indeed murdered her himself.
Let me give you this personal story of a confrontation I had with Tebow. I once asked him if he wanted to share the hooker I had in my hotel room in Denver. He refused! What sort of NFL player refuses sloppy anal seconds with a scanky, drugged up whore? I’ll tell you who: Tim Tebow! “Jesus wouldn’t want me to do that he said.” Please!
That’s why I’d like to use my halftime platform to call for “Jesus control.” The belief in Jesus must be restricted at federal and state level. Sure, you can still go to your so-called Sunday church services. But when you leave that church you better put Jesus freakism behind you and share our values. Grab a hooker, get her coked up and dump her in an alley once you’ve done your business. Buy a gun. Shoot the woman carrying your child in the belly! If you do that America will be a better place.
And now on to the second half of our game where I expect to see more bone-crushing hits and career ending concussions.
Wow. Let the reader decide which side of the Jesus control question he stands on.
Manhattan Infidel (1419)