Archie Bunker, hard working family man and provider currently residing at 704 Hauser Street, has expressed repeated annoyance and frustration with his free-loading son-in-law, Michael Stivic.
“I’ve worked my entire life” said Bunker.
Do you think I had it easy growing up? No sir. I was never able to live rent free while going to school. I work at the loading dock now. It’s good, hard manly work. I don’t make much but I have a house and can provide for my wife and child. I’m proud of that.
Sources say Bunker’s life took a turn for the worse when his beloved daughter decided to marry Stivic.
I was hoping she’d marry someone with a trade. Like a plumber of something. You know, someone who would provide for her and make a living that benefited people.
Instead, much to his horror, Stivic had his heart set on becoming a teacher, requiring him to live with the Bunkers while attending school.
The guy is a leftist atheist who believes that America is the cause of everything wrong with the world. Great. Just great. You mean this guy is going to be forming the minds of future generations? What could go wrong? Teachers! Noble profession my ass!
Particularly grating to Bunker is Stivic’s refusal to get a job.
I told him plenty of people have worked their way through school. It’s not easy but it’ll build character. He told me he doesn’t want a job. Imagine that. I never thought I’d see the day when a man would refuse to get a job. He said that all the jobs available were blue collar manual labor jobs beneath him. Beneath him? I’m ashamed to be related to him.
And perhaps most embarrassing to Bunker is having to listen to his daughter having sex in the next room with Stivic.
Alright I know married people have sex. But come on. This is my daughter. My little girl. Do they have to be so loud? And from what I’m hearing she’s the dominant one sexually. I mean, what the hell is a rusty trombone anyway? I don’t even want to think about it. Sometimes I wish I were deaf.
To make matters worse, Bunker fears that Stivic’s leftism is rubbing off on his family.
The other day I came home from work and Edith was wearing a pants suit. A pants suit! What kind of self-respecting woman dresses like a man? Do they think it’ll liberate them? And my daughter Gloria burned her bra. She said that now “the man” will have to pay attention to her. Well if she’s going to be wearing no bra I can tell you “the man’ will be paying lots more attention to her. But it’ll be the wrong type of attention.
Bunker’s one hope now is the day when Stivic completes his studies, gets a teaching job and moves out.
“As long as they don’t move in next door I’ll be fine” he said.
As for Stivic he blames Bunker, calling him “close-minded and Republican, which makes him racist.”