If it’s Thursday at Manhattan Infidel that can only mean one thing: a futile day-long search to find your missing testicle.
But while that is going on let us all sit back, relax and read our horoscope. (Just don’t go out if it’s windy because having only one testicle your balance will be off and you’ll fall over.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your opinions are important to you. Which is good because no one else gives a damn what you think, especially your belief that electricity was invented by Raul Julia to steal our souls. While testing your theory by turning off all the lights in your house you will slip and fall onto your weedwacker, severing a testicle. While attempting to retrieve your testicle you will be attacked by an Argentavis magnificens, the largest flying bird ever discovered. Long thought extinct and with a wing span of 23 feet it will easily pick you up in its talons. However after flying for a few miles it will discover that you have only one testicle. Disgusted by this, it will drop you on Raul Julia’s widow. She will steal your soul.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your lucky streak is about to begin as you will find a discarded testicle in the street. This is convenient as you lost a testicle years ago in a bar fight with Raul Julia (who was attempting to steal your soul.) Excited by your find you will pack the testicle in ice and drive to your doctor. Unfortunately your car will be attacked by a Haast’s Eagle, the largest known true raptor last seen on the south island of New Zealand in the 15th century. You will throw the packaged-in-ice testicle at the bird in an attempt to distract it. This will not work and the bird will rip off your other testicle. Now missing both testicles you will place a personal ad on the dating site, “Ready for Marriage.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This is a period of exciting transformation for you as after a year of taking female hormones you are ready to become a post-op transsexual and will update your facebook status to “getting them chopped off!” Unfortunately right after updating your status a Haast’s Eagle carrying a pair of testicles will break into your home and attack you. During the fight the eagle will plunge its talons into your testicles. This will result in the two testicles it was carrying being merged with the two you wanted to get rid of. Dejected and now with four testicles you will be attacked by Raul Julia’s widow who will steal your soul and your four testicles. Now testicle-less and soul-less you will begin a successful career in management.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
You like to wear trench coats and are something of an exhibitionist. So much so that your neighbors will no longer allow you to have any contact with their children. Dejected by this, you and your two intact testicles will take a stroll through your neighborhood. You will spot Raul Julia’s widow and not wanting to lose your soul will hide in some bushes. Unfortunately for you also in those bushes will be a Gastornis, an extinct, large, flightless bird that lived during the late Paleocene epoch. Standing at six feet tall, with a remarkably huge beak, powerful legs and large, taloned feet you will be no match for it as it rips off your testicles and flies away with them in its mouth. Adding insult to injury, Raul Julia’s widow will hear your cries for help and steal your soul.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You will be feeling and thinking about life differently this week, even more so after a Sylviornis, an extinct bird from the Holocene epoch standing at 5 1/2 feet and weighing 60 pounds will mug you while you are doing your laundry. Curiously this Sylviornis will be carrying a gun and have a command of the English language. Demanding your money or your life you will foolishly choose to confront it. You will lose both testicles not from the large talons of the Sylviornis but because it will shoot you in the groin. When you awake in the hospital Raul Julia’s widow will be at your bedside. However, after finding out that you are a Pisces and as such have no soul she will lose interest and leave. But not before eating all the food on your hospital tray. (I know! How rude. Because contrary to popular belief hospital food is actually quite good.)
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Thoughts of sex will constantly distract you this week. So much so that you will not even notice the Canadaga, a large flightless bird from the late Cretaceous period stalking you with a taser. Upon being tasered by this animal you will estimate that it is approximately eight feet tall. You will then lose consciousness. You will awake naked with the words “Pete forever. Ringo never!‘ written on your chest. You will also be missing both testicles. You will be surprised and shocked as you didn’t even realize that Canadaga’s were Beatles fans. You will write a thousand page book on the link between long-thought extinct birds and the Beatles. However you have no testicles. And who wants to read a book by a man with no testicles. Unless it’s written by Tom Clancy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Who really cares about Taurus? Really. You and your two testicles disgust me. I won’t even waste any time giving your horoscope. May a Brontornis, a large flightless predatory bird that lived in Patagonia with a height of nine feet and weighing 800 pounds pull a knife on you. And may it use its knife to cut off your testicles. And as you are lying on the ground, bleeding and testicle-less may it use its cell phone to call Raul Julia’s widow and give her your location. May she come and steal your soul. Because you know what? You’re a damn Taurus and you don’t deserve one! Punk!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your love life will get a massive dose of action, thanks to copious helpings of Viagra and Cialis. Hopped up on these drugs and looking for the ultimate sexual thrill you will place an ad in an adult magazine looking for a “large, thought-to-be-extinct bird” for rough sex. Luckily for you a Pezophaps Solitaria, an extinct flightless bird endemic to the island of Rodrigues will answer your ad. While tied up spread eagle on your bed the Pezophaps Solitaria will pour hot candle wax onto your skin. Your cries of pleasure will startle the Pezophaps Solitaria who will panic and tear your testicles off with its beak. Your cries of pleasure will turn to shrieks of pain. This will attract the attention of Raul Julia’s widow who will burst into your place and, after ascertaining that you are not a Pisces, steal your soul.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are a bit of a loose cannon, making it difficult to establish long-lasting relationships. Resigned to being forever single you decide to enter a monastery. However the bus you are taking to the monastery will be attacked by a Helicoprion, a shark-like cartilaginous fish that went extinct in the early Triassic period. As to why a fish would attack a bus going to a monastery, well, that’s a question for greater minds than yours. At least that’s what you will tell yourself when the Helicoprion sinks its rows of circular saw-like teeth into your testicles. Still a loose cannon, but now having no testicles you will advance quickly in your new life and will be elected the head of your order. Your first act will be to have all the monks wear tin foil over their heads so that Raul Julia’s widow cannot find them and steal their souls.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Being too fast can make people clumsy. While hurrying to shave one morning you will cut yourself badly. When attempting to stop the blood flow you will notice an Amphicoelias, a large herbivorous dinosaur 200 feet long peeking through your window. Unnerved by this long thought extinct Peeping Tom you will attempt to scare it away. Your attempt will be unsuccessful and will only anger the dinosaur who will take off his monocle and exclaim, “I say old chum, what’s all this about?” You will misunderstand his question as a cry for the meaning of life. You will hand him literature by the Jehovah’s Witnesses that you just happen to have lying around. Grateful for this, the Amphicoelias will leave you in possession of your testicles. Not that it’ll do you any good. I mean, seriously. When was the last time you looked in a mirror?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will want to keep your cool this week. Especially when a Spinosaurus, a carnivorous dinosaur of the Cretaceous period, answers your ad for a roommate. Enraged that you do not want to room with him, he will accuse you of “anti-dinosaurism” and will stomp on your testicles until they resemble a viscous fluid. He will leave but not before promising to come back with a group of militant dinosaurs who will occupy your apartment until you agree to redistribute your wealth. After all, Spinosaurus’s are the 99 percent! And Raul Julia’s widow will steal your soul but you probably already saw that coming.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Luckily for you this post is already too long so you will get to keep your soul and your testicles. But don’t think for one minute that we have forgotten about you. One day when you least expect it a Shastasaurus, the largest marine reptile yet to be found, will show up at your door with some hired muscle. They will beat you until you tell them where Raul Julia’s widow is hiding out. So give him the information. Yeah, that’s what the man said he did. (1779)