The controversy surrounding Orville Redenbacher and his iconic brand of popcorn grows deeper with each stunning revelation.
The scandal first erupted when several college students made trips to emergency rooms complaining that they couldn’t sleep, were nervous, couldn’t concentrate and that their testicles had dropped off.
“At first we though they were Business Administration majors because, you know, like capitalism is evil” said one ER doctor.
But then more people from different walks of life started complaining of the same symptoms.
Doctors from the Center for Disease Control arrived to conduct an investigation. What they found surprised and troubled them.
Before we even arrived we were sure that what we were looking at was the result of global warming or pollution caused by too many people driving gas-guzzling SUVs. Because we in the government are concerned our citizens aren’t taking the threat of climate change seriously or taking appropriate steps to reduce their carbon footprint.
But after conducting tests and talking with those infected the CDC discovered that there was one thing everyone had in common: They all ate Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn.
Chemical analysis were conducted on Redenbacher’s popcorn which revealed the presence of alarmingly high quantities of anabolic steroids.
When asked to explain this Redenbacher said:
I needed an edge. A reason for people to come back and eat my popcorn. Come on why pick on me? Everyone’s doing it. All the major popcorn brands are juiced up. And if juicing is wrong why does Melky Cabrera eat my popcorn every morning?
Despite Mr. Redenbacher’s protestations, his popcorn was placed on the controlled substance list by the Food and Drug Administration. Redenbacher’s factories have been shut down and his popcorn burned in large bonfires.
Once access to Redenbacher popcorn was restricted those complaining of symptoms returned to normal. Said an CDC agent:
Our citizens are sleeping more, are less nervous and can concentrate. Sadly their testicles haven’t grown back but that’s probably a good thing, what with the Republicans declaring war on women and denying free birth control to people.
Redenbacher’s shut-down factories will reopen soon, run by the Government and selling green hybrid cars that run on gasoline and electric power.
As for Redenbacher, he has gone into hiding though rumor has it he has joined the Rolling Stones’ entourage and is supplying Keith Richards with popcorn.
When reached for comment Richards denied this though he also said that the government should “keep its hands off my popcorn!” (1980)