The defeat of the Republican candidate for president was in large part due to the loss of the all-important Hispanic (or is it Latino?) vote.
Having spent the entire week since the election pouring over the available data
moving the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location I now present my exclusive ten-point program to win the Latino (or is it Hispanic?) vote.
But first let me address a few words to my Hispanic (or is it Latino?) friends. My Spanish is faulty so I apologize for butchering your fine language that has brought the world so much besides the Spanish Inquisition.
Why-o You-o No-o Vote-o for-o Us-o?
Anyway, on to my ten-point program.
Burn their crops.
Studies have shown that burning the crops of a peon will have a dramatic effect on their vote.
Granted, most Hispanic in the United States live in urban areas so burning their crops might be difficult. As a replacement I suggest burning their pit bull.
Get a Hispanic celebrity to endorse the Republican candidate.
Politics is as much about culture as anything else. Hispanics will not vote Republican until they feel it is socially acceptable.
Therefore I have contacted legendary Hispanic celebrity Speedy Gonzales
and he has agreed to campaign for the Republicans in 2016. I thank Speedy for his contribution and will now let him speak in his own words:
“The duck with the pistola seems to be tied up at the moment. So back to the Mexican Bandstand with nothing but twist music. Everybody twist!”
I believe what Speedy means is that we should all twist to the Constitution and a limited government.
Thank you Speedy. You are a true patriot-o.
Points Three through Nine:
The numbers three through nine are racist and will not be included in my ten-
You know what else is racist? The NYPD for forcing me to move the bodies in my crawlspace to a remote upstate location.
There! I said it! I’m not afraid of the NYPD. (Well, except for their small Hispanic female officers. They are scary and I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of one of them.)
I don’t really have a point ten yet. Between moving all the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location and doing my laundry I haven’t had time to formulate it yet.
But when I do, trust me. It’ll be a good one.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have just made the unfortunate discovery that one of the bodies in my crawlspace is still alive.
Where the hell is my shovel? (545)