The Federal Bureau of Investigation, long known by its nickname “The Privacy Penetraters” has set the world of Washington DC afire with the discovery of the affair between CIA director David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell.
Speaking from Washington, FBI director Robert Mueller told reporters that
The FBI prides itself on uncovering and destroying two things: Organized crime and consensual relationships between adults. But mainly consensual relationships between adults. Oh hell who am I kidding. We don’t touch organized crime. Those guys are dangerous. We are all civil servants making a civil servant’s salary. Who wants to get killed over that? So now we mainly monitor emails hoping to find sex stuff.
As is the FBI’s want, they were monitoring CIA emails hoping to find evidence of sex. That’s when they first uncovered the emails from Broadwell and the reference to “sex under a desk.”
“At first we were confused as to the meaning” said Mueller.
Sex under a desk? That’s a drink I have a happy hour. In fact I asked one of the younger men here in the office if he’d like to have sex under a desk with me sometime and he kissed me and told me that I have given him the courage to come out of the closet. I mean, WTF?
Confused as to its meaning, The FBI brought in as a consultant an expert in the field: former President Bill Clinton.
After reading the emails and the reference to “sex under a desk” Clinton immediately booked a flight to North Carolina, where Broadwell resides.
“He was out the door pretty fast” said Mueller. “All he had was a plane ticket, flowers, condoms and a box of cigars. We never heard from him again.”
Without Clinton’s help the FBI struggled to ascertain whether the phrase “sex under a desk” was in fact sex-related. The Bureau finally decided it was sex-related after intercepting the following text exchange:
Petraeus: I enjoyed having sex under a desk with you.
Broadwell: I never knew sex under a desk could be so fun.
Petraeus: We should do this every happy hour.
Bill Clinton: Can I get in on the action? I love sex under a desk and promise not to come in your mouth.
Petraeus: What the hell? What’s he talking about?
Broadwell: Excuse me this is a private conversation!
Clinton: I got cigars!
The FBI then confronted Betraeus who was then forced to tender his resignation to President Obama.
“We’re still not 100 percent sure ‘sex under a desk’ in fact refers to sexual relations” said Mueller. “But I’ve learned to stop asking men in the office if they want to have sex under a desk with me.”
In a related note a message on the FBI’s website has asked Americans to “send us all their sex-related emails. Please. We’re very lonely.”
Bill Clinton could not be contacted in regard to this story. (732)