Being a member of the mainstream media means that I am relentless in my pursuit of
cocaine, crystal meth. Asian hookers, teenage Asian hookers, teenage Asian hookers with crystal meth, the truth.
And after watching New Jersey governor Chris Christie (pictured above) in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy I decided to get to the truth of a question that has always haunted me: What would Chris Christie do for a chance to get a hug from his idol Bruce Springsteen
Utilizing the latest in computer technology and sparing no expense I wrote a sophisticated algorithm program that formulated the odds of Chris Christie performing certain actions for a chance to meet Springsteen. I now present to my readers the results of the first annual “What Would Christ Christie do for a chance to get a hug from Bruce Springsteen?” algorithm.
Possibility number one: Would Chris Christie (pictured below)
betray the Republican party in the aftermath of a hurricane, suck up to the President and give Obama a chance to look Presidential in the run-up to election day?
My program returned a 36% possibility of this happening.
According to my algorithm factoring in Christie’s weight problem (a manifestation of daddy issues), northeast RINO tendencies and all around asshatness it is highly likely that Governor Christie (pictured here)
would indeed make a fool of himself sucking up to a Democratic president, thereby destroying any chance of advancing nationally in the Republican party.
I think. Then again he is just the type of RINO suck up who thrives in Republican leadership these days. So the possibility of error in the algorithm is a distinct possibility.
Possibility number two: Would Chris Christie (pictured here)
set fire to someone’s grandmother and roast marshmallows over her while she screams?
Our algorithm struggled with this one before returning a 65% chance that Governor Christie would roast marshmallows over a burning and screaming grandmother. Surprisingly we found a 92% chance that he would do this even if there were no possibility of meeting Bruce Springsteen.
Possibility number three: Would Chris Christie (pictured here)
mutate a strain of Bird Flu and release it into the general population, killing potentially hundreds of thousands for the chance to meet Bruce Springsteen?
Our algorithm returned a 96 percent possibility that he would do this. The only reason this wasn’t a 100 percent was the four percent chance that Bruce Springsteen (pictured here)
would himself mutate Bird Flu and release it into the general population for a chance to meet Chris Christie.
Possibility number four: Would Chris Christie (pictured here)
tell a six-year old kid that Santa didn’t exist? And further, when said kid started crying would Christie then tell the kid that he was joking? That Santa does indeed exist only he thinks “you are a naughty child and a bad motherf*cker” and he wouldn’t give you any toys even if Chris Christie had set his grandmother on fire and was roasting marshmallows over her screaming body? And would Governor Christie then proceed to crack open the crying child’s head and feast on the goo inside?
Our algorithm found a 100 percent chance of this event happening. 100 percent. Like the percentage of the vote that President Obama received in several districts in Cleveland. (Not that I’m implying there was fraud involved.)
When contacted about my algorithm, Bruce Springsteen expressed interest and said that he would be willing to hug Governor Christie if the Governor were to pass laws redistributing the wealth.
Just not his. (889)