1. The book of the generation of Barack, the son of Redistribution.
2. Thomas Jefferson begot James Madison. And Madison begot James Monroe. And Monroe begot Andrew Jackson
3. And Jackson begot Martin Van Buren. And Van Buren begot James Knox Polk.
4. And Polk begot Franklin Pierce. And Pierce begot James Buchanan.
5. And Buchanan begot Andrew Johnson. And Johnson begot Grover Cleveland.
6. And Cleveland begot Grover Cleveland again.
7. And then Cleveland begot Woodrow Wilson (who had a stroke.) And Wilson begot Franklin Roosevelt.
8. And Roosevelt begot Harry Truman. And Truman begot John Kennedy.
9. And Kennedy begot Lyndon Johnson. And Johnson begot Jimmy Carter.
10. And Carter begot Bill Clinton. And Clinton did beget Barack Obama, who is called the son of socialism
11. Now the generation of Barack was in this wise. When as his mother was dating Barack Obama, Sr, she was found with child, for he had redistributed his semen.
12. Whereupon Barack Obama, Sr, needing a green card but not wanting the responsibility of fatherhood was minded to put her away privately.
12. But while he thought on these things behold the angel of redistribution appeared to him in his sleep, saying Barack Obama, Sr, fear not to take unto thee the woman.
13. She shall bring forth a son and thou shalt call him Barack Obama, Jr. For he shall save his people from capitalism and be a sign unto the redistribution of many.
14. Now all this was done that it might be fulfilled which the Lord spoke by the prophet saying,
15. Behold a woman in Hawaii shall be with child and bring forth a son and they shall name him Barack Obama, Jr, which being interpreted is, You didn’t build that.
16. And Barack Obama, Sr., did as the Lord commanded.
17. And he knew her not, having many other wives and going he back to Kenya.
1. When Barack therefore was born in Hawaii, in the days of President Kennedy, behold, there came wise socialists from the east to Hawaii.
2. Saying, Where is he that is born king of redistribution? For we have seen his government sponsored star in the west, and are come to adore him because to do otherwise would be racist.
3. And President Kennedy hearing this, was troubled, and all Washington with him.
4. And assembling together his cabinet he inquired of them where socialism should be born.
5. But they said to him: In Hawaii. For so it is written:
6. And thou Hawaii art not the least among the states: for out of thee shall come forth Don Ho.
7. And seeing the star the wise socialists rejoiced with exceeding great joy.
8. And entering into the house, they found the child with his mother but without the father who had already split, and falling down they adored him so that they wouldn’t be accused of racism; and opening up the federal treasures offered him gifts; treasury bonds, municipal-funded pensions and government bailouts.
9. And after they departed, behold an angel of redistribution appeared to his mother, saying: Arise and take the child and fly into Indonesia.
10. Who arose, and took the child by night, and retired into Indonesia.
11. That is might be fulfilled which the angel of socialism spoke: Out of a Muslim country comes all advances in science and civilization.
1. And in those days cometh John Kerry preaching in the desert of Massachusetts. And saying: Do taxes: for the kingdom of Barack is at hand. For this is he that was spoken of: A voice of one crying in Massachusetts, Prepare ye the way of redistribution. For now the axe is laid to the root of the capitalists. Every Republican therefore that doth not yield redistribution and his fair share of taxes shall be cut down and cast into the fire.
2. Then Barack was lead by the spirit into Chicago, to be tempted by the nonredistributioners. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights he was appointed a constitutional scholar.
3. And the evil Republicans took him up into the Sears Tower and showed him all the glory of Chicago. And said to him: All this I give thee if falling down thou wilt interpret the Constitution as the fathers intended. Then Barack saith to them: Begone. For it is written, the Federal Government shalt thou adore and him only shalt thou serve and enlarge the powers thereof.
4. And seeing the multitudes he went up to the John Hancock building and when he was set down public sector union employees came unto him.
5. And opening his mouth he taught them saying:
6. Blessed are the poor: For the Feds have the power to take away from others and give unto thee.
7. Blessed are the meek: For they know America is an evil country and they have no reason to brag.
8. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after social justice: For the feds have the power to engineer equality of result.
9. Blessed are the merciful: For they shall obtain redistribution of wealth.
10. Blessed are the peacemakers: For Muslims shall like them and they shall be called children of the most High Prophet and enemies of the terrorist state of Israel.
11. Blessed are they when the revile you and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake.
12. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in Washington D.C. For so they persecuted the populists and progressives before you.
13. Do not think that I am come to destroy the law or the Constitution. I have not come to destroy, but to fulfill and interpret the Constitution as a living, breathing document with positive powers of government.
14. For amen I say unto you, till my healthcare reform law and all its 1000 plus pages come into effect, the old slave-holder’s Constitution shall still be in place until all be fulfilled.
15. He therefore that oppose my healthcare reform, and shall so teach men, shall be called the least in the kingdom of Washington D.C. But he that shall do and teach, he shall be called great in the kingdom of D.C.
16. For I tell you, unless your social justice abound more than that of the scribes and Republicans, you shall not enter into my kingdom.
1. Be at agreement with thy Federal Government at all times: lest perchance the Feds deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
2. Amen I say to thee, thou shalt not go out from thence till thou repay the Government the last farthing (or your fair share.)
3. You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you not to resist evil (especially not from Muslims.) but if one strap on a suicide vest and blow thee up remember it’s the fault of America.
4. Give to him that asketh of thee (especially if it’s the Government) and from him that would borrow of thee turn not away but give your fair share.
5. You have heard that it hath been said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thy enemy. But I say to you, “Love your enemies (especially Muslims): Do good to them that hate you and pray for them before they chop your head off.”
6. For if you love them that love you, what reward shall you have? Do not even the Republicans do this?
7. Lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth: where the rust and moth consume and where thieves break through and steal. But lay up to yourselves treasures in Washington D.C. where neither rust nor moth doth consume and where thieves do not break through (thanks to our outsourced security guards.)
8. For where thy treasure is, there is the Federal Reserve.
9. No man can serve two masters. For either he will hate the one, and love the other: or he will sustain the one, and despise the other. You cannot serve the Federal Government and God. Seek ye therefore first the Kingdom of the Federal Government and its social justice.
10. Ask from the Government and it shall be given you: seek from the Feds and you shall find: knock and largess from the Feds shall be opened.
11. For everyone that asketh of the Government, receiveth: he that seeketh, findeth: and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
12. If you then, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Federal Government give good things to them that ask?
13. Beware of false Republican prophets, who come to you in the clothing of sheep, talking about self-reliance and reducing the role of the Federal Government, but inwardly are ravening wolves.
14. Not everyone that saith to me, Obama, Obama shall enter into the Kingdom of Washington D.C. But he that doth my will and accepts Federal help shall enter into the Kingdom of Obama.
15. And it came to pass, when Obama had fully ended these words, the people were in admiration at his doctrine.
16. For he was teaching them as one having power, and not as the Republicans.
1. And when he had come down from the John Hancock building, great multitudes followed him.
2. And behold a woman needing birth control pills came and adored him, saying: Lord Barack, if thou wilt it, thou canst supply me with abortifacients.
3. And Barack, stretching forth his hand, touched her saying: I will. Be thou supplied. But don’t tell the meddlesome priests.
4. There came to him a fellow Chicago community organizer, beseeching him.
5. And saying, Lord Barack, my assistant lieth at home sick with herpes and is grievously tormented.
6. And Barack saith to him: I will come and heal him. Because my 1000 page plus health care reform makes this possible. As long as he isn’t too sick. In which case I will hand him over to the death panel.
7. And when he had come to the other side of the water, into the country where the hick Republicans lived, there met him two that were suffering from psychological afflictions.
8. And behold they cried out, saying: What have we to do with thee, Barack, community organizer?
9. And there was not far from them a herd of many Irish drinking in a pub.
10 And the psychologically disturbed individuals besought him, saying: If thou cast us out hence, send us into the herd of Irish.
11. And he said to them: Go. But they going out went down into the Irish and behold the whole herd put Black 47 on the jukebox and got into violent arguments.
12. And when Barack passed on from hence he saw a man sitting in the Senate, named Joe Biden.; and he saith to him: Follow me. And Joe arose up and followed him.
13. Then came to him many common folk, saying: Why do we fast often but you and the First Lady do not but have extravagant parties and shopping sprees?
14. And Barack said to them: I’m with the Federal government. I’m entitled.
15. And Barack went about all the cities and towns, preaching in their synagogues and temples (but not Catholic churches) saying, Pass this jobs bill. Congress is do nothing.
16. Then he saith to his cabinet and czars, The elections coming up are indeed great, but the Democrats are few.
17. Pray ye, therefore that more Democrats get elected to do my will.
1. And having gathered his cabinet and czars together he gave them power to tell private insurance companies what they must cover for free.
2. Heal the sick and give them birth control. pills. Cleanse the lepers and give them condoms.
3. Do not possess gold, nor silver but only treasury-backed paper money. But do not worry. They will print plenty more if you run out.
4. And into whatsoever city or town you shall enter, inquire who in it has their thermostat set too high. Use the truth squad to find out. Then on behalf of the EPA, sue them.
5. And whosoever shall not turn down their thermostat nor hear my word: go forth out of that house or city. Amen I say to you, it shall be more tolerable for the land of the Red States in the day of my reelection than for that city.
6. Everyone therefore that shall confess me before men, I will also confess him before Michelle Obama. But he that shall deny me before men, I will also deny him before Michelle Obama.
7. He that loveth father or mother more than me, or my policies, or decrees or Presidential orders, is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not up redistribution of income is not worthy of me.
8. He that receiveth you, or any officers of the Federal government, receiveth me: and he that receiveth me, receiveth she that sent me, Michelle Obama.
9. Now when John Kerry had heard the works of Obama: sending two of his aides he said to him: Art thou he that art to come, or look we for another redistributioner?
10. And Lord Obama making answer said to them: Go and relate to Lurch, er, Kerry what you have heard and seen.
11. The blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear and the dead rise again. (Well, not really but they now all have access to birth control, thanks to my 1000 page plus health care reform.)
12. Then began he to upbraid the cities wherein were done most of his miracles of redistribution and health-care reform, for that they had not done penance and thanked him.
13. Come to me, all you that labour and are burdened, and I will refresh you with government handouts once the so-called Buffett rule is passed.
14. Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I used to teach constitutional law. And I’m smart. Not like people say.
15. For my yoke is sweet and my burden light. Unless you make more than $200,000 a year. Then you are the evil other and I will raise your taxes so that you pay your fair share.
1. At that time Barack and his wife went through the expensive and trendy restaurants and being hungry they began to eat.
2. And the Republicans seeing them said: Behold your wife and you do eat and drink and fly in private planes to eat and drink in the middle of a recession.
3. But Barack said to them: Have you not read that I lower sea levels? Or have ye not read in the Constitution the phrase “insure domestic tranquility?” Well, this is how I insure domestic tranquility.
4. But I tell you that there is one here greater than the Constitution.
5. And behold there was a man who had a withered hand, and they asked him, saying: This man has no insurance. Is it lawful?
6. But he said to them: What man shall be so stupid that hath not insurance? Especially now that he shall be fined thereof.
7. Then he saith to the man: Stretch forth thy hand thou rube; and he stretched it forth and it was restored to health. And Barack saith, you really should be in jail for not buying insurance.
8. And he charged the man not to make him known. I mean he really charged him. Lots of money.
9. And then was offered to him one possessed with a devil, blind and dumb. And Barack did hand him over to the death panel because his quality of life was bad.
10. But the Republican hierarchy hearing it, said: This man casteth out devils by Sarah Palin the princess of the devils.
11. And Barack knowing their thoughts, said to them: he that is not with me is against me.
12. And whosoever shall speak a word against Obama it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this election cycle nor in the next one.
13. O Republican vipers, how can you speak good things, whereas you are evil?
14. A good progressive liberal Democrat out of the good treasure brings forth redistribution: and an evil capitalist Republican out of evil treasure bringeth forth inequality, racism and nonredistribution.
15. The kingdom of socialism is like unto a treasure hidden in a field. Again the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant. Well, maybe that’s not a good example since merchants are capitalists and the evil other.
16. And it came to pass: when Barack had finished these parables, he passed from hence.
17. On Air Force One.
18. But not before he shut down the east side of Manhattan so he could attend a Broadway show and eat at a fancy restaurant.
1. The same day Barack going out of the house, sat by the sea side. (Which he was able to do having lowered sea levels.)
2. And great multitudes were gathered together unto him and some of them even fainted.
3. And behold he spoke to them many things in parables, saying: Behold the capitalist went forth to work.
4. And while he worketh his profit fell by the wayside and the birds of the air came and ate them up.
5. And others had their profit fall upon stony ground, where there was not much earth: and they sprung up immediately because they had no deepness of earth.
6. And some had their profit fall among thorns: and the thorns grew up and choked them.
7. And others had their profit fall upon good ground and they brought forth abundant fruit.
8. He that has ears that can still hear let them thank my healthcare reform.
9. And his disciples in the mainstream media came and said to him: Why speakest thou in parables?
10. He answered and said unto them: Because to you it is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of socialism: but to the rubes it is not given.
11. For he that hath, to him it shall be taken away, especially if he makes more than $200,000 a year: but he that hath not, from him shall much be given, including free birth control on college campuses.
12. For amen I say unto you, many socialists and just men have desired to see the redistribution that you see and have not seen it.
13. Hear you therefore the parable of the capitalist.
14. Anyone that worketh for himself and his own profit only, and understandeth not the economic feasibility of socialism: this is he whose profit fell by the wayside, for he is selfish.
15. And he that received his profit upon stony ground is he that spends all his profit immediately on himself instead of giving it to the government, for he too is selfish.
16. And he that received his profit among thorns is he whom the care of the world choketh up his profit, for he had to spend it on his wife and children. For he too is selfish by having children instead of using free birth control provided by my health care reform.
17. But he that receiveth his profit upon good ground is he that voteth Democrat, and understandeth the kingdom of socialism. For he is not selfish.
18. Another parable he proposed to them, saying: the kingdom of socialism is likened to a man that sowed good seed in his field.
19. But while he was asleep capitalists came and oversowed cockle among the wheat.
20. And the personal assistants of the good socialist coming said to him: Sir, didst thou not sow good seed in the field? Whence then hath it cockle? And the personal assistants said to him: wilt thou that we go and gather it up?
21. And he said: No, lest perhaps gathering up the cockle, you root up the wheat also together with it.
22. Suffer both to grown until April 15th, when taxes are due. And in the time of April 15th I will say to the reapers: Gather up first the cockle and give them prohibitive fines for redistribution, but the wheat give ye of the redistribution thereof including free healthcare and birth control.
23. And it came to pass: when Barack had finished these parables he passed from hence.
24. But not before having the Secret Service shut down all the roads in town.
1. At that time Hugo Chavez heard the fame of Barack.
2. And he said to his servants: This is Sean Penn: he is risen from the dead and therefore mighty works of redistribution shew forth themselves in him.
3. For Hugo had apprehended Sean Penn and bound him, and put him in prison because he was annoying.
4. And having a mind to put him to death, he feared the people: because they esteemed him as a maker of Hollywood crap.
5. But on Hugo’s birthday a stripper danced before him and pleased him.
6. Whereupon he promised with an oath to give her whatsoever she would ask of him.
7. And she said: Give me here in a dish the head of Sean Penn.
8. And he sent, and beheaded Sean Penn.
9. And Barack’s disciples came and took the body and gave him a posthumous Medal of Freedom.
10. When it was evening his disciples came to him, saying: This is a desert place, and the hour is now past: send away the rubes, that going into the towns they may cling to guns and religion.
11. But Barack said to them, They have no need to go: give you them to eat.
12. They answered him: We have not here but five loaves, and two fishes.
13. And when he had commended the rubes to sit down upon the grass, he took the five loaves and blessed and brake and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples redistributed to the rubes.
14. But Barack giveth not the two fishes since the fishes were unhealthy to eat and might raise their cholesterol. Instead sayeth he: It is not right to give unhealthy food to the multitudes. Give me the fish and I will have it with my bacon cheeseburger.
15. And having dismissed the rubes, he went back to the White House. And when it was evening he was there alone, for Michelle was shopping in New York.
16. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to his disciples walking upon the sea.
17. And Joe Biden, making answer, said: Barack, if it be thou, bid me come to thee upon the waters.
18. And he said: Come. And Joe Biden going down out of the boat, walked upon the water to come to Barack.
19. But seeing the wind strong he was afraid: and when he began to sink he cried out, saying: This is a big fucking deal!
20. And immediately Barack stretching forth his hand took hold of him and said: You’re off the ticket in 2012.
21. And having passed the water they came into another state.
22. And when the men of that place had knowledge of him, they brought to him all that were diseased, but not before first hiding their cheeseburgers.
23. And they besought him that they might touch but the hem of his garment. And as many touched were made whole as long as they had insurance. Those who foolishly refused to buy insurance were thrown into Gehenna where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.
1. Then came to him from the heartland of America conservatives and teabaggers, saying:
2. Why do thy disciples transgress the Constitution?
3. But he answering said to them: Why do you also transgress the principles of socialism and redistribution?
4. But you say Thy gift of my taxes are too high.
5. And he that shall not honor thy Federal Government by giving his fair share of taxes make void the Constitution.
6. Hypocrites, well hath Bill Clinton prophesied of you:
7. Do you any cigars? I have some new interns.
8. And Obama saith: Every plant which the Federal Government and EPA hath not planted, shall be rooted up. For if the EPA does not give permission it is illegal. The Constitution gives them this authority.
9. And Joe Biden answering said to him: Expound to us this parable.
10. But he said: Are you also without understanding Joe? Well, stupid question I guess.
11. Do you not understand that whatsoever entereth into the mouth, goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the privy? Hopefully a low-flush privy at that which will not destroy the environment.
12. And Obama went from hence to the coasts to party with his show biz supporters.
13. And behold a woman who came out of those coasts, crying out, said to him: Give me free stuff, O Obama, thou son of socialism: my daughter is grievously troubled that she cannot afford birth control.
14. Who answered her not a word. And his disciples in the mainstream media came and besought him, saying: Send her away, for she cannot afford the $20,000 a plate dinner.
15. But she came and adored him, saying: Where’s my free stuff?
16. Who answering said: Why can’t I just eat my waffle?
17. And there came to him great multitudes who could afford the $20,000 a plate dinner, having with them the dumb, the blind, the lame, the maimed, and many others: and they cast them down at his feet. And Obama did not eat his waffle.
18. And Obama called together his disciples in the mainstream media and said: I have compassion on the rubes, because they continue with me and have not what to eat. Maybe that’s why they always faint in front of me.
19. And Obama said to them: What have you to give them to eat? But they said: Arugula
20. And he commanded the rubes to sit down upon the ground.
21. And taking the arugula and giving thanks to the EPA, he brake, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples gave to the rubes.
22. And the rubes say: What is this crap? What about a cheeseburger? You’re eating a cheeseburger, Lord Obama.
23. And Obama, having dismissed the multitude, he went up into a private yacht owned by Tom Hanks and said: It is not good for the rubes to eath cheeseburgers for it raiseth health costs.
24. And came he into Catalina Island.
1. And there came to him moderate Democrats and Fox news anchors tempting him: and they asked him to reduce gas prices.
2. But he answered and said to them: When it is evening you say: Time to watch Bill O’Reilly.
3. And in the morning: Time to watch Fox and Friends. You know how to discern the TV schedule: and can you not know the signs of Obama?
4. generation ungrateful for all I’ve done for them seeketh after a sign: and a sign shall not be given it, but the sign of Joe Scarborough, who got a job at MSNBC after he left politics.
5. And when his cabinet and czars were come over the water, they had forgotten to take arugula and other healthy green food.
6. Who said to them: Take heed and beware the unhealthy diets of moderate Democrats and Fox news anchors. For they loveth meat and have high cholesterol.
7. But they thought within themselves, saying: Because we have taken no arugula.
8. And Obama knowing it, said: Do you not yet understand? My intellect is too much for this generation. For I am a constitutional scholar and these people are rubes.
9. And came Obama into the quarters of ESPN to make his final four picks: and he asked his cabinet and czars, saying: Whom do you think will win it all this year? I’m picking Southern Miss.
10. And upon hearing this Nancy Pelosi said to him: Thou art the chosen one, the one who reduces sea levels and saves our constitution from bitter clingers.
11. And Obama answering said to her: Blessed art thou, Nancy of the nip and tuck: because flesh and blood have not revealed it to thee because you have no flesh and blood.
12. And I say unto thee: Thou art the leader of the Democrats in congress and upon this I will raise gas prices so the rubes will take high speed rail.
13. And I will give thee the keys to the kingdom of Washington D.C. And you shall raise gas prices. And whatsoever thou shalt raise in DC will be raised also throughout America.
14. And from that time Obama began to shew his cabinet and czars that he must run for reelection and suffer many things from the Republicans and Fox news, and lose the election and the third day get a prime time gig at MSNBC.
15. And Joe Biden taking him, began to rebuke him saying: Daddy if you lose what will happen to me?
16. Who turning said to Joe: Go behind me. No seriously go behind me and eat some snacks because the adults have work to do.
17. Then Obama said to his cabinet and czars: If any man will come after me let him deny others unhealthy foods and SUVs and use them yourselves to travel the country and follow me.
18. For what doth it profit a man if he has to drive 60 miles to work and suffer the loss of his own environmentally-conscious soul? Or what exchange shall a man give for his environmentally-conscious soul? Except high speed rail of course.
19. Amen I say to you there are some of them that drive SUVs and eat cheeseburgers that shall not taste death till they see Obama eating arugula and taking high speed rail as an example to the rubes.
1. And after six days Barack taketh unto him Joe Biden, Eric Holder and Nancy Pelosi of the nip and tuck, and bringeth them up into a high mountain apart from the rubes:
2. And he was transfigured before them. And his face did shine as a local Chicago community organizer without a real job or responsibility: and his garmentsbecame a goofy panama hat and goofy wide open collar.3. And behold there appeared to them John and Ted Kennedy talking with him.
4. And Joe Biden answering said to Obama: Lord Obama, constitutional scholar Obama, greatest intellect of our generation Obama, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, make Marilyn Monroe appear for she is hot!
5. And as he was yet speaking, behold a bright cloud (though it might have been an explosion caused by a home-made bomb) appeared to them. And lo, a voice out of the cloud (or home-made bomb), saying: I am Bill Ayers. This is my beloved Obama, in whom I am well pleased: hear ye him.
6. And Biden, Holder and Nancy of the nip and tuck fell upon their faces, and could not breathe because of the dust particles kicked up from the cloud (or home-made bomb).
7. And Barack came and touched them but not in a sexual harassment way: and said to them, Arise, and breathe through this inhaler, for it has pure air.
8. And lifting up their eyes they saw no one but only Obama.
10. And as they came down from the expensive and exclusive private club on the mountain, Barack charged them,, saying: Tell the vision to no one, for the non-compassionate Republicans will use the vision against me in the elections.
11. And when he was come to the multitude, there came to him a man falling down on his knees before him saying: Obama, have pity on my son, for he is a lunatic (though I shouldn’t call him that for the language dost be judgmental and bullying), and suffereth much: for he falleth often into the fire, and often into the water.
12. And I brought him to Kathleen Sebelius, your Secretary of Heath and Human Services, and she could not cure him but fined me for not having insurance.
13. And Barack rebuked him, and the devil (but not to be judgmental for there is no such thing as evil. Hey it’s all good!) went out of him, and the child was cured from that hour. Then Barack advised the father that his son need not get a job as he could stay under his coverage until he was 26 years old.
14. And when they abode together in Washington, Barack said to them: The ideological Son of Bill Ayers shall be betrayed into the hands of non-compassionate Republicans:
15. And they shall defeat him in the fall election, and the third day he shall rise again with a show on MSNBC. And they were troubled exceedingly.
16. And when they came into the White House, Barack, saying to Joe Biden: What is thy opinion Joe? Who follows EPA mandates? The rubes or we privileged Washington insiders?
17. And Joe said, The rubes of course.
18. And Barack said unto them: Then we are exempt. And flew he off on Air Force One to go to a Broadway show and shopping with Michelle.
1. At that hour the disciples in the mainstream media came to Barack saying: Who thinkest thou is greater in the kingdom of the Democratic party?
2. And Barack calling unto him a person of color, set him in the midst of them,
3. And said: Amen I say to you, unless you become as dependent children and accept Federal largess, you shall not enter into the kingdom of the Democratic party.
4. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this childlike person of color, he is the greater in the kingdom of the Democratic party.
5. But he that shall oppose one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that the IRS aggressively audit him like they do the teabaggers and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.
6. Woe to the world because of Republicans and teabaggers. For it must needs be that Republicans and teabaggers come: but nevertheless woe to that man who voteth for them.
7. See that you despise not one of these little peoples of color: for I say to you that their representatives in Washington always see the face of Barack who art in D.C.
8. For Obama has come to save that which the Republicans and teabaggers lost (and lower sea levels as well).
9. What think you? If an elected Democrat has 100 people who vote for him, and one of them die: doth he not make sure that the dead one still votes Democratic?
10. Amen I say to you, he rejoiceth more for the dead person still voting Democratic than for the ninety-nine that are alive.
11. If thy brother shall offend against thee and vote Republican, go and rebuke his racism and intolerance between thee and him alone.
12. And if he will not hear thee, take with thee one or two more: and breaketh his legs.
13. And if he will not hear them: tell the Democratic party. And if he will not hear the Party, let him be to thee as the heathen and publican and teabagging racist.
14. Amen I say unto you, whatsoever you shall bind upon America shall be bound upon Washington D.C. (except for the elite) and whatsoever you loose in Washington DC shall not be loosed upon America for it is not in the best interest of the rubes.
15. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them for the rubes have no right to privacy if it offends the sense of the Party.
16. Therefore is the kingdom of Obama likened to a king, who would take account of his servants.
17. One was brought to him, that owed the IRS ten thousand dollars.
18. And as he had not the wherewith to pay it, I ordered that his house be sold and a lean placed upon his salary and payment to be made.
19. But that servant falling down, besought him, saying: Have patience with me. Can we work out a payment schedule?
20. And I will say to him: Thou wicked servant, shouldest not thou then have paid your fair share?
21. And I being angry with him will deliver him to the torturers at MSNBC who will use character assassination to destroy his reputation until he shall pay his fair share.
1. And it came to pass when Barack had ended these words he departed Washington D.C. and went back with Michelle to New York for another shopping spree.
2. And great multitudes tried to follow him but as half of the city was closed down by the Secret Service they were late for work.
3. And there came to him Republicans tempting him, and saying: Is it lawful for a man not to give his younger lover free birth control?
4. Who answering said to them: Have ye not read in the papers about the growing gender gap in voting? And he said:
5. For this reason shall a man always provide free birth control since that’s all women care about.
6. The Republicans say to him: Why then do we not favor free birth control for women?
7. He saith to them: Because or your hardness of heart. For not giving women free birth control is part of your war on women and leads them to give birth to children, and bringing a child into this overpopulated world is an abomination and leads to global warming. Yeah, a polar bear may drown. And whosoever is responsible for one of these little polar bears drowning shall not be forgive in this election cycle or the next.
8. Then were little children presented to him, that he should impose hands upon them and pray; And his disciples in the mainstream media rebuked them.
9. But Barack said to them: Suffer the little children, and forbid them not to come to me: for we must indoctrinate them early.
10. And when he had imposed hands upon them, he departed to a Broadway show.
11. And behold one came to him and said to him: Good master who lowers sea levels, what good shall I do that I may have Democrats over me everlasting?
12. Who said to him: Why asketh thou me concerning good? One is good, Jeremiah Wright. But if thou wilt have Democrats over you, keep the commandments.
13. He said to him: Which? And Barack said: Thou shalt not murder, unless it is a white Hispanic, Thou shalt not commit adultery without providing free birth control, Thou shalt not steal unless it is from the 1%.
14. The young man saith to him: All these I have kept from my youth, what is yet wanting to me?
15. Barack saith to him: If thou wilt have Democrats over you everlasting, go sell what thou hast, and give your fair share to the government and provide your house as a place where Michelle and I can relax.
16. And the young man went away sad: for he had just steam-cleaned the place.
17. Then Barack said to his disciples in the mainstream media: it is easier for Mexican gangs to buy guns from the United States than for the 1% to willingly pay their fair share.
18. Then Joe Biden answering, said to him: Behold I have left my senate seat and followed thee: What therefore shall I have?
19. And Barack said to him: Amen I say to you, that you, who have followed me, when Barack shall have his own monument in Washington as a tribute to his constitutional scholarship you shall judge the 57 states.
20. And everyone that hath left house or lands for my name’s sake shall receive an hundred-fold from the taxes taken from the 1%.
1. The kingdom of Barack Obama is like a householder who got his house through a loan from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who went out early in the morning to hire illegal aliens for his vineyard.
2. And having agreed with the laborers for a penny a day (for he was a tightfisted racist), he sent them into his vineyard without health insurance.
3. And going out about the third hour, he saw others standing in the market place idle and he did say, “lazy Mexicans!”
4. And he said to them: Go you also into my vineyard, and I will give you what shall be just (but without health insurance or free birth control.)
5. And again he went out about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, never failing to find more lazy Mexicans.
6. But about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing, and he saith to them: Enjoying your day off girls?
7. They say to him: No man hath hired us. He saith to them: Go you also into my vineyard you fat f#cks.
8. And when evening had come, and not wanting to pay overtime, the lord of the vineyard saith to his shift supervisor: Call the laborers and pay them their hire, beginning from the last even to the first.
9. When therefore they were come, that came about the eleventh hour, they received a penny without health insurance or free birth control.
10. But when the first also came, they thought that they should receive more: for they did not have solidarity with the other workers. And they murmured against the master of the house because class warfare is natural.
11. But he answering said to them: Laborer, I do thee no wrong: Didst thou not agree with me for a penny? And don’t expect overtime because it’s not in the collective bargaining agreement.
12. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will? Now go away before I loose the water cannons on thee.
13. And Barack going up to Washington D.C., took his cabinet apart, and said to them:
14. Behold we go up to Washington D.C., and the son of socialism shall be betrayed to the Republicans and they shall condemn him to a life outside the public teat.
15. And shall deliver him to the red state voters to be mocked, and scourged and called the “N” word, and the third day MSNBC shall come calling.
16. Then came to him the mother of Joe Biden, adoring and asking something of him.
17. Who said to her: What wilt thou? She saith to him: Say that my son may sit at they right hand on the ticket in 2012 where he may learn constitutional scholarship and law from thee.
18. And Barack answering: You know not what you ask. Seriously. Do you even know your own son? Hello?
19. And the cabinet hearing it, were moved with indignation against Joe and his mother.
20. But Barack called them to him, and said: You know that the princes of the Republicans lord it over them; and they that are greater, wait their turn for the nomination.
21. It shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be the greater among you, let him go out and community organize.
22. And he that will be first among you, shall have many Hollywood friends.
23. Even as the son of socialism is not come to be ministered too (excepting on Michelle’s shopping sprees) but to minister health care and free birth control.
24. And behold two blind men sitting by the way side, heard that Barack passed by, and cried out, saying: O Lord, thou son of socialism, have mercy on us and give us health care.
25. And Barack stood, and called them, and said: What will ye that I do to you? Until the Buffett rule is passed money shall not flow into the government’s coffers to pay for Obamacare.
26. They say to him: Lord, make the rich pay their fair share that our eyes be opened.
27. And Barack having compassion on them, touched their eyes. And immediately the secret service did violate them.
1. And when they drew nigh to the elections Barack sent two disciples in the mainstream media.
2. Saying go ye into the village where the rubes live and immediately you shall find an ass and a 2009 Cadillac limo nicknamed “The Beast” that I use to travel around: loose them and bring them to me.
3. And if any man shall say anything to you, say ye that Barack have need of them: and forthwith have the Secret Service beat him up and sleep with his wife.
4. And the disciples in the mainstream media going, did as Barack commanded them.
5. And they did not find the ass but they found Joe Biden which was close enough and the limo.
6. And a very great multitude (according to reports in the press) spread their garments in the way: and others gave them gas cans filled with gas in case the Beast ran out of fuel: And Joe Biden did rideth in the beast and sticketh his head out the window, tongue hanging out and he did enjoyeth the breeze.
7. And the multitudes that went before and that followed cried, saying: Hosanna to the son of Socialism: Blessed is he that redistributeth.
8. And when he was come into Washington D.C., the natives of the city were moved, saying: He looks like he has money. Let’s mug him.
9. And the people said: This is Barack the prophet, who cometh to redistribute.
10. And Barack went into the Capital building and cast out all the Republicans.
11. And he saith to them: It is written, My house shall be a house of socialism; but you have made it a house of capitalism.
12. And there came to him in the Capital the blind and the lame ducks; and he did eateth and finisheth his sandwich.
13. And leaving them, he went out of the city in Camp David, and remained there.
14. And in the morning, returning into the city, he was hungry.
15. And seeing a McDonald’s by the wayside, he came to it and found it closed and boarded up, for this was Washington D.C. and the place had already been robbed and burned down. And he saith to it: May no Big Macs ever be sold in Washington D.C. again for they lead to obesity in children and immediately the store was blown up by Secret Service.
16. And when he was come back into the White House, there came to him, as he was eating, the top congressional Democrats saying: By what authority dost thou these things?
17. And Barack answering said to them: Have you not read the Constitution which is over 100 years old? For it giveth me unlimited power.
18. But what think you? A certain man had two sons: and coming to the first he said: Son, go get a job in the Federal government.
19. And he answering said: I will not but I will get a job in the private sector. But afterwards, being moved with repentance, he got a job with the Feds.
20. And coming to the other, he said in like manner. And answering said: I go, sir; and he went not but got a job in the private sector and was profitable and employed hundreds.
21. Which of the two did the father’s will? They say to him: The first. Barack saith to them: Amen I say to you, that only those who work in the Federal government shall go into the Kingdom of Socialism.
22. Hear ye another parable. There was a man who planted a vineyard (after getting approval from the EPA), and made a hedge round about it (after getting approval from the EPA), and dug in it a press (after getting still further approval from the EPA) and built a tower (after getting an environmental impact statement) and outsourced the labor.
23. This man later went broke because of too many regulations. What say you? Shall he not have gotten a job in the Federal government instead of being selfish and seeking a profit?
24. Barack saith to them: Have you never read in the law: the stone which the builders rejected because it was unsafe, the same has been put into the building by court order? And if the building collapses do not we then sue the builder for putting the stone there in first place even though we told him to?
25. And when the conservative Democrats had heard his parables, they knew that he spoke to them.
26. And seeking to lay hands on him, they feared MSNBC: because they held him as a prophet.
1. And Barack answering, spoke again in parables to them, for Barack is very very smart.
2. The Kingdom of Socialism is likened to a government employee who made a marriage for his son and his lover in a state that recognized their union.
3. And he sent emails and texts to call them that were invited to the marriage; and they would not come.
4. Again he created a facebook page about the wedding, saying: Behold, I have prepared my dinner; my arugula and other green low cholesterol food is ready. Verily I say, it is bland but healthy.
5. But they neglected until he put meat on the menu, and went their ways, one to his oil rig, and another to his Wall Street office.
6. But when the government employee had heard of it, he was angry and sent out another text calling them murderers and threatening to burn their city. For he can say this as it is not a hate crime when progressives say it.
7. Then he saith on his facebook page: The marriage is indeed ready; but they that were invited are selfish capitalists, exploiters and profit-seekers.
8. And going forth into the college campuses and communes he gathered together all they that hate capitalism and loveth socialism: and the marriage was filled with guests.
9. And the government employee went in to see the guests: and he saw a man talking about drilling for oil and building a pipeline from Canada to the Gulf.
10. And he saith to him: Friend, how camest thou hither not having on the garment of socialism? But he was silent.
11. Then the government employee said: Bind his hands and feet and call him a racist for he hates Gaia and cast him outside: there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when he misses the arugula dessert.
12. Then the conservative Democrats going, consulted among themselves how to ensnare him in his speech.
13. And they said, tell us therefore, what dost thou think, is it lawful to pay your fair share of taxes or not?
14. But Barack knowing their betrayal of socialism said: Why do you tempt me, ye southern rubes?
15. Show me a coin. And they offered him a quarter, for the Fed stopped making pennies because they cost more to make than they are worth.
16. And Barack saith to them: Whose image is on the quarter? Yeah verily I know it is a racist slave holder.
17. They saith to him: George Washington. Then he saith to them: And did not this racist consider it his duty to pay his fair share of taxes?
18. And hearing this they wondered, and leaving him went home to their districts and voted Republican.
19. Then came to him the conservatives, who say there is no socialism; and asked him,
20. Saying: Constitutional scholar Barack, If a man die, having no son, shall not the government appropriate all his property?
21. Now there were with us seven brethren: and the first died and left his property to his brother.
22. In like manner the second, and third, and so on to the seventh.
23. In the Kingdom of Socialism therefore does the government still get the property? For they all left it to a family member.
24. And Barack answering, said to them: You err, not knowing the tax code, nor the power of the Federal government.
25. For in socialism they shall not pass on their property to family members; but shall give all to the government to redistribute the wealth.
26. And the multitudes of his disciples in the mainstream media hearing it, were in admiration at his doctrine.
27. And one of them, a political reporter at a cable news network, asked him:
28. Good lord Barack, which is the greatest duty of American citizens?
29. Barack said to him: Thou shalt love the Federal government with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy mind.
30. This is the greatest and first duty in a Republic.
31. And the second is like to this: Pay your fair share of taxes.
32. And no man was able to answer him a word: neither durst any man from that day forth ask him any more questions for they are no match for Barack’s intellect and knowledge of the Constitution.
1. Then Barack spoke to the multitudes and to his disciples in the mainstream media
2. Saying: The congressman and senators have sitten in their seats in the Capitol building.
3. And they love the first places at campaign dinners, and the chairs in first class on airplanes.
4. And to appear on talk shows and be called, honorable elected representative.
5. But there is one master who deserves first places on campaign dinners and to fly around America on Air Force One to his campaign dinners and that is me.
6. And call none your master; for one is your master, who is me.
7. Neither be ye called masters; for one is your master, me.
8. He that is the greatest among you shall be an unelected bureaucrat in the Federal government.
9. But woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you shut the kingdom of socialism against men, for you yourselves would pay our debt.
10. Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you devour meat dishes in the Capitol cafeteria instead of eating healthy green socialist food.
11. Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you fly back to your districts to make one man vote for you; and when he votes, you make him the child of hell twofold because he opposes redistribution.
12. Ye foolish and blind; for whether is greater, socialism or the Capitol building that should sanctifieth the socialism?
13. Ye blind: for whether is greater, the pork your elected representative brings to your district, or the altar of socialism that sanctifieth the pork?
14. And whosoever shall swear by the temple of socialism, sweareth by the throne of socialism, and by him that sitteth thereon, being me.
15. Blind guides, who strain out arugula, and swallow a bacon cheeseburger.
16. Woe to you Republicans and conservative Democrats, hypocrites; because you are like a Burger King, which outwardly appear to men beautiful because of their burgers, but within are full of bones, and of all filthiness.
17. So you outwardly indeed appear to men to be socialists and just; but inwardly you are full of capitalism and iniquity.
18. You serpents, generation of viper capitalists, how will you flee from the judgment of socialism?
19. Therefore behold I send you prophets of socialism like Van Jones, and wise men like Timothy Geithner, and scribes like Eric Holder: and some of them you will not ratify, and some you will be mean to and persecute in Washington D.C.
20. That upon you may come all the socialist blood that hath been shed upon Gaia.
21. From the blood of Bill Ayers the just, even unto the blood of Diana Oughton, the girlfriend of the just Bill Ayers, who was killed in the temple of her apartment whilst building a bomb to the altar of socialism.
22. Amen I say to you, all these things shall come upon this generation of ungrateful voters, for have you not the son of redistribution in the White House now?
23. Washington D.C., Washington, D.C., thou that fails to reelect the prophets of socialism that are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered together thy children, as the hen doth gather her chickens under her wings, and goeth to a free-range farm where we shall taste happier.
24. Behold, your house, bought with a Freddie Mac loan shall be left to you, desolate.
25. For I say to you, you shall not see me henceforth till you say: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of redistribution.
1. And Barack being come out of the White House went away. And his disciples in the mainstream media came to shew him the buildings of Washington D.C.
2. And answering, said to them: Do you see all these things? Amen I say to you there shall not be left here a stone upon a stone unless the Republican party stops its war on women and gives 30-year old college students access to free birth control.
3. And when he was sitting in a diner eating a cheeseburger his disciples in the mainstream media came to him saying: Good Lord Obama, tell us when shall these things be? Normally I’d receive a message on my blackberry telling me about it but my mailbox is over the limit and I can’t receive emails on it anymore. And the useless idiots at the help desk won’t increase the size of my mailbox.
4. And Barack answering, said to them: Take heed that no man seduce you, unless it be I.
5. For many will come in my name saying, I am the son of redistribution.
6. And you will hear of wars on women and rumors of wars on women, poor and minorities. See that you not be troubled. For women, the poor and minorities will always vote Democratic as long as we give them free stuff like birth control, free medical care and arugula for their diets.
7. Now all these are the beginnings of sorrows in a land without cradle-to-grave socialism.
8. And you shall be hated by all nations for my name’s sake. This is the fault of Bush.
9. And because the Republican party has abounded, the charity of many will grow cold.
10. But he that shall persevere to the end, he shall be saved by redistribution.
11. And this gospel of socialism shall be preached to all the Blue states (for I have given the red states up to their own iniquity and capitalism), and then shall the consummation begin.
12. When therefore you shall see the abomination of desolation receiving the Republican nomination: he that readeth let him understand. Except in California where test scores are so low they probably can’t read anyway.
13. Then they that are in Washington D.C., let them flee to Georgetown.
14. And he that is on the housetop, acquired through Freddie Mac, let him not come down to take anything out of his house, which is worth nothing anymore anyway.
15. And he that is in the field, probably Mexican, let him receive free birth control.
16. And woe to them that are with child, and that give suck in those days. For they should have used the free birth control I shall have provided.
17. But pray that your flight be not in winter. For high speed rail doesn’t work well when the tracks are covered in snow.
18. For there shall be great tribulation, such as hath not been seen from the beginning of the world until the time Oprah and Michelle got into a fight.
19. Then if any man shall say to you: Lo, here is Obama, or there, do not believe them. Only believe them if you see a lot of Secret Service looking for hookers. For they shall have been provided with free condoms.
20. For there shall arise false prophets of redistribution on Fox news, and shall show great signs and have great ratings, insomuch as to deceive (if possible) even the elect inner party cadre of socialists.
21. Behold I have told it to you, beforehand. And I am a constitutional scholar. And smart. Not like people say.
22. If therefore they shall say to you: Behold he is in the deserts of Nevada partying with Harry Reid, go ye not out. For the road will already be shut down by the Secret Service. Behold he is in the closet. No truth to the that rumor. I am not into Pakistani men.
23. For as lightning cometh out of the east, and appeareth even in the west: So shall also the coming of the Son of Socialism be.
24. And immediately after the tribulation of those days, the sun shall be darkened because of climate change.
25. And then shall appear the Son of Socialism on The View: and they shall see the Son of Socialism coming with much power and a majestic Secret Service convoy to shut down many streets.
26. And he shall send his ministers in the mainstream media: and they shall gather together his elect from Georgetown to the very ends of Washington D.C.
27. Amen I say to you, this generation SHALL NOT PASS until Gandalf battles a balrog.
28. Heaven and earth shall pass, but my words of redistribution shall not pass….the House which has a Republican majority.
29. Watch ye therefore, because you know not what hour your lord Obama will come.
30. And there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Because they didn’t have free dental coverage.
1. Then shall the kingdom of heaven be like to ten virgins, who taking their free birth control went out to meet the bridegroom and the bride to get their freak on.
2. And five of them were foolish and did not use birth control, and five wise who did.
3. And the bridegroom tarrying, they all went to a slumber party instead where they did put on sexy pajamas.
4. And at midnight the groom cometh in his Chevy Volt, for he doth care about the environment.
5. Then all the virgins arose and put away their vibrators.
6. And the foolish said to the wise: Give us of your birth control.
7. The wise answered, saying: Lest perhaps there be not enough for us and for you, go ye rather to Walmart and buy for yourselves.
8. Now whilst they went to buy, the bridegroom came: and they that had their birth control, went in with him and the door was shut. And verily did they get their freak on.
9. But at last came also the other virgins, saying: Chevy Volt driver, open to us.
10. But he answering said: Amen I’m already finished. I’m in my refractory period and just want to sleep.
11. For even as a man going into a far country by high speed rail, called his employees, and delivered to them his goods.
12. And to one he gave 5000 Euros, and to the other, two thousand Euros, and to another one thousand Euros.
13. And he that received the five thousand traded the same and gained another five.
14. And in like manner he that received the two, gained another two.
15. But he that received the one, put it into a 401K.
16. But after a long time, for the high speed rail was not working properly, the boss of the employees came.
17. And he that receiveth the five thousand coming, brought another five, saying: thou didst deliver to me five thousand, behold I engaged in crony capitalism.
18. His boss said: Well done. Because thou has been faithful over a few things, I will place thee over many things as soon as you pass your drug test.
19. And he that receiveth the two thousand came and said: Behold I have gained another two for I invested in solar energy providers. But take ye the money now before someone gets wise.
20. His boss said: Well done. Because thou has been faithful over a few things I will place thee over the Kenosha, Wisconsin office as soon as you pass your drug test.
21. But he that received one thousand came and said: Boss, I did what I was supposed to do. I invested in a 401K but that went bankrupt when the housing market crashed.
22. And his boss answering, said to him: Jackass. Thou oughtest to have committed my money to some rich, crony friends of mine and at my coming I should have received my own with usury.
23. You’re fired. Give me your badge and your parking spot.
24. And when the son of socialism shall come he shall set the socialists on his right hand, but the capitalists on his left.
25. Then shall the son of socialism say to them that shall be on his right hand: Come, possess the kingdom that you have redistributed.
26. For I was hungry and you gave me a burger; I was thirsty and you gave me a 64-ounce colon-bursting sugar-filled soft drink. But still one shouldn’t eat or drink this unhealthy stuff so don’t tell anybody.
27. Then he shall say to them also that shall be on his left hand: Depart from me you cursed, into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his capitalists.
28. For I needed campaign contributions and you gave me not: I needed to nationalize your assets and you gave me not.
29. Then they also shall answer him saying: But where in the Constitution does it give you the right to seize and redistribute our assets?
30. Then I shall answer them saying: Amen I say to you, I taught constitutional law in Chicago for I am a constitutional expert.
31. And these shall go into everlasting tax liens and seizures: but the redistributionists into socialism everlasting.
1. And it came to pass, when Barack had ended all these words, he said to his disciples in the mainstream media:
2. You know that after two days shall be the elections, and the son of socialism shall be delivered up to the red states.
3. Then were gathered together the chief strategists of the Republican party of capitalism into the house of the high priest and chairman of the Republican National Committee, who was called Reince Priebus.
4. And they consulted together, that by subtlety and RINO tactics they might beat Barack and put him into the private sector.
5. And when Barack was in Georgetown, in the house of a wealthy Democratic donor,
6. There came to him a Hollywood starlet having a box of sliders with fries and gave it to Barack.
7. And the MSM seeing it, had indignation, saying: Why doesn’t the hot chick pay attention to us?
8. And Barack knowing it, said to them: Why do you trouble the hot chick? Are you declaring war on women like the Republicans?
9. For sliders and fries you have always with you: but me you may lose because rubes in the red states cling to guns and religion.
10. For she in giving me these delicious fatty foods – and please don’t tell Michelle I ate these because she’ll get really mad – hath redistributed it for my campaign.
11. Then went one of his disciples, who was called Joe Biden, to Reince Priepus.
12. And said to him: what will you give me, and I will deliver him unto the red states? But he appointed an etch a sketch to Biden and saith, “Go, and play.”
13. And on the day of the general election the disciples in the MSM came to Barack saying: Where wilt thou we hold our reelection party? With Johnny Depp in costume?
14. But Barack said: Go ye into the city. On second thought Washington D.C. is dangerous. Let’s stay in Georgetown.
15. But when it was evening and election results trickled in, he sat down with his disciples.
16. And whilst they were eating sliders and fries, he said: Amen I say to you, that one of you is about to betray me.
17. And they were very much troubled for fear the sliders and fries were running low and began to say: Is it I, Barack?
18. But he answering said: He that dippeth his hand with me into the honey mustard sauce, he shall betray me.
19. The son of socialism loseth: but woe to that man by whom the son of socialism be betrayed, for no one on MSNBC shall ever say a good word about him again.
20. And Joe Biden, answering, said: Is it I, daddy? He saith to him: Thou has said it.
21. And whilst they were at supper, Barack took a slider, and blessed, and broke: and gave it to his disciples and said: Take ye and eat, before Michael Bloomberg outlaws this stuff.
22. And taking the chalice filled with Stella Artois, he gave thanks and gave to them saying: Drink ye all of this for this is a respectable beer the rubes don’t drink.
23. For this is my blood of the new economic order, which shall be shed for many unto the remission of capitalism.
24. And a hymn was sung, probably Bruce Springsteen.
25. Then Barack saith to them: All you shall be scandalized in me this night. For it is written: I will strike the son of socialism, and the mainstream media shall say that America had a tantrum for not reelecting him.
26. And Chris Matthews answering said to him: Although all shall be scandalized, my leg will always tingle.
27. Then Barack came with them into a country place called Camp David; and he said to the disciples: Sit you here while I go yonder and contemplate socialism.
28. And taking with him Chris Matthews and two other low-rated cable TV hosts, he began to grow sorrowful and to be sad.
29. And going a little further he fell upon his face from too many Stella’s and praying and saying: My father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me, for I am stopped up and irregular.
30. And he cometh to his disciples, and findeth them asleep, and he saith to Chris Matthews: What? Why is your leg not tingling?
31. Watch ye, and pray that ye enter not into capitalism. Socialism indeed is willing but the banks are weak.
32. Rise, let us go: behold he is at hand that will betray me.
33. And he yet spoke, behold Joe Biden came and with him a great multitude with swords and clubs and iPhones.
34. And he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying: Whomsoever I shall kiss, in a totally non-homosexual way, that is he, hold him fast.
35. And forthwith coming to Barack, he said: Hi daddy. And he kissed him in a totally non-homosexual way.
36. And Barack said to him: Joe haven’t I always given you cool toys to play with? Then they came up and laid hands on Barack, and held him.
37. And Barack saith to them: Thinkest thou that I cannot ask my father and he will give me presently more than twelve legions of socialists bankers from the Eurozone?
38. Now all this was done, that the rubes in the red states might be proven stupid.
39. But they holding Barack, led him to Reince Priebus, where the Republicans were assembled.
40. And the whole council sought false capitalistic witnesses against Barack, that they might use as campaign propaganda.
41. And Reince rising up, said to him: Answerest thou nothing to these things and why do you have sliders on your breath?
42. But Barack held his peace. And Reince said to him: I adjure thee that thou tell us if thou be the son of socialism.
43. Barack saith to him: Thou has said it. Nevertheless I say to you, hereafter you shall see the son of socialism sitting in a studio in New York with his own show.
44. Then Reince rent his garments (for it was cheaper than owning them outright).
45. Then they spit in his face saying: Where the hell did you get those sliders?
46. But Chris Matthews sat without in the court: and there came to him a rube saying: Thou was also with Barack.
47. But he denied them all saying: Look, doth my leg tingle?
48. Another rube saw him and saith: This man also was with Barack.
49. And again he denied with an oath: Look at my leg! It is still!
50. And after a little while said another: Surely thou art one of them?
51. Then he began to curse and to swear that he knew not the man. And immediately the cock crew.
52. And Chris Matthews remembered the word of Barack: Before the cock crow, thou wilt deny me thrice. And going forth, he wept bitterly and his leg indeed did not tingeleth.
1. And when morning was come, all the chief strategists of the Republican party of capitalism took counsel against Barack, that they might put him to defeat.
2. And they brought him bound and delivered him to Debbie Wasserman Shultz, the chairperson of the Democratic party of Socialism.
3. Then Joe Biden, who betrayed him, brought back his etch a sketch saying:
4. It’s broken! But they said: What is that to us? look thou to it and read the instruction manual.
5. And casting down his etch a sketch, he departed: and went and bought a Lite Brite.
6. But the chief strategists of the Republican party of capitalism having taken the etch a sketch, said: Hey, all it needs are batteries. God Joe’s an idiot.
7. And after they had consulted together they brought the etch a sketch to a pawn shop and with the price of it bought a burying place for strangers.
8. For this cause that field is called The Field of Etch a Sketch even to this day.
9. Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Hasbro the prophet, saying: And they took an etch a sketch, the price of him that was prized and they bought a Lite Brite because Joe is an idiot.
10. And Barack stood before Wasserman Shultz and she asked him saying: Art thou the king of redistribution? Barack saith to him: Where’s George Clooney? We were supposed to go golfing.
11. And when he was accused by conservative Democrats he answering nothing.
12. And Wasserman Schultz said to him: Dost thou not hear how great testimonies of socialism they allege against thee?
13. Now upon the solemn day of election Wasserman Schultz was accustomed to release to the people one prisoner.
14. And she had then the notorious prisoner that was called Arlen Specter.
15. They therefore being gathered together, Wasserman Shultz said: Whom will you that I release to you, Specter or Barack that is called King of Redistribution?
16. For she knew that for fear of losing their elections the conservative Democrats had delivered Barack.
17. But the conservative Democrats asked for Specter.
18. Wasserman Shultz saith to them: What shall I do then with Barack that is called King of Socialism?
19. They say all: Let him be defeated!
20. Wasserman Shultz said to them: Why? What evil has he done? He has increased redistribution and our debt?
21. Then she released to them Specter, and delivered Barack unto union goons.
22. And spitting upon him they said: Nice administration you got there. Shame if somethin’ were to happen to it.
23. And they came to the place called Georgetown.
24. And they gave him beer to drink mingled with sliders.
25. And after they had roughed him up, they took his clothes, that it might be fulfilled which was said: Da King of socialism? Yeah, he be naked.
26. And they sat and watched him scurry about for his clothes.
27. And they wrote in permanent magic marker on his head: THIS IS BARACK THE KING OF REDISTRIBUTION.
28. And they that passed by wagged their heads saying: He trusted in redistribution; let him now have socialism redistribute him: for he said, I am the son of redistribution.
29. Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over the whole earth, no doubt caused by man-made climate change, until the ninth hour.
30. And about the ninth hour Barack cried with a loud voice, saying: Michelle, Michelle, my belle these are words that go together well, my Michelle, get me the hell out of here!
31. And immediately one of the union goons running took a beer and gave it to him to drink.
32. And others said: Let it be, let us see whether Michelle will come to deliver him.
33. And Barack crying again with a loud voice yielded up consciousness.
34. And behold the election results came in and the veil of the temple of the Mainstream Media was rent in two from the top even to the bottom and the Earth quaked, and rocks were rent because of man-made climate change and the earth’s dismay that Barack had lost.
35. And the graves were opened: and many bodies of the saints of socialism that had slept arose,
36. And coming out of their tombs came into the city and eateth human flesh for they were now zombies, the fault no doubt of nuclear power.
37. And there were many women afar off, who had followed Barack because of the Republican party’s war on women.
38. And when it was evening, there came a certain rich man of Hollywood, named Leonardo DiCaprio who also himself was a disciple of socialism.
39. He went to Debbie Wasserman Shultz and asked for the the body of Barack. Then Wasserman Shultz commanded that the body should be delivered.
40. And Leonardo, taking the body, did admire it before wrapping it up in a clean linen cloth that had been recycled.
41. And laid it in his own new monument, which he paid for with the residuals from The Beach.
42. And the next day the conservative Democrats came together to Wasserman Shultz,
43. Saying: Ma’am, we have remembered that the socialist said, while he was yet President: I will win reelection.
44. Command therefore the grave to be guarded lest his disciples in the mainstream media come and steal him away and lie about the election results and say to the people: He has been reelected; and the last error will be worse than any the mainstream media did before.
45. Wasserman Shultz saith to them: You have union goons. go, guard it as you know.
46. And they departing made the grave sure, sealing it and setting burly and ill-tempered union goons to watch it.
1. And the day after the election, when it began to dawn that Barack had lost came Scarlet Johansson and Cameron Diaz to see the sepulchre and be photographed at it.
2. And behold there was a great earthquake caused by climate change, for the science is settled. And an angel of redistribution descended from Chicago and coming, rolled back the stone and sat upon it.
3. And his countenance was as one who had the joy of having his millions redistributed to less fortunate, and his raiment as hoodies.
4. And the union goons who were guarding the stone would have been struck with terror for fear of him, but they were on a break.
5. And the angel answering said to the Hollywood starlets: Fear not you; for I know that you seek Barack who has lost the election, as well as publicity for being so compassionate.
6. He is not here, for he has signed a 15-million dollar deal with a low-rated cable network, as he said. Come, and see the place where he laid with sliders and fries.
7. And going quickly, tell ye his disciples in the mainstream media that he is one of them now: and behold he will go before you into New York City; there you shall see him. Lo, I have foretold it to you. Watch out! It’s Lindsay Lohan driving a car! And then the angel departed.
9. And they went out quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy that they had been photographed, running to tell his disciples in the mainstream media.
10. And behold Barack met them, saying: All hail my intellect. But they came up and took hold of his feet, and adored him because they were progressive and caring starlets.
11. Then Barack said to them: Fear not. Michelle is nowhere to be seen. Go, tell my brethren that they watch a low-rated cable network, there they shall see me.
12. Who when they were departed, behold some of the union goons told Reince Priebus and Debbie Wasserman Schultz all things that had been done.
13. And they being assembled together, taking counsel, gave a great some of money in the form of pensions to the union goons.
14. Saying: Say you, His disciples in the mainstream media came at night, and stole him away with promises of TV fame.
15. So taking their pensions, did as they were taught: and this word was spread abroad among the Republican party of capitalism and conservative Democrats even unto this day.
16. And his disciples in the mainstream media went to their TV sets, unto the time listed where Barack had his show.
17. And seeing him they adored: but some doubted his ability to do live TV where teleprompters sometimes fail.
18. And Barack coming on the TV, spoke to the nation, saying: All power is given to me to speak my profound intellect by the news division of this low-rated cable network.
19. Therefore, I will teach ye all; indoctrinating them with my profound intellect and with my friends Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, and of the compassion of socialism.
20. Teaching whoever watches my show to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded to be redistributed: and behold I am with you all days, but especially weeknights at 8 PM Eastern Standard Time. (160)