Dateline: Ides of March
In a tragic event that the citizens of Rome have sadly become all too familiar with, a group of cowardly, hate-filled conservatives have assassinated the Great Leader, Julius Caesar.
The Great Leader, who had single handedly restored order to a chaotic and dysfunctional Roman “Republic” died of multiple stab wounds.
This shocking crime was carried out by Caesar’s opponents, a group of bitter, clinging conservatives, led by one of Caesar’s best friends, Brutus.
Sources say that Caesar had entered the Senate (as was his custom) to confer with senators on how to pay for his health care reform when he was approached by the conspirators.
Tillius Chimber, one of the conspirators, presented a petition to recall his exiled brother. Caesar, perhaps the greatest intellect in the empire, waved it away. Sevilius Casca, one of Caesar’s closet friends then made a glancing thrust at Caesar’s neck.
As Caesar cried for help, the entire group of bitter, clinging conservatives led by Marcus Brutus the Younger stabbed him an estimated 23 times. Those on the scene say that the Great One’s last dying words were, “Et, tu, Brute?” though some claim his last words were, “Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark” while others maintain that just before he breathed his last he said, “You didn’t build that.”
The cowardly conservatives then fled, no doubt ashamed of their actions.
Caesar’s blood-stained body lay for three hours on the Senate floor before it was taken away. A postmortem showed that only one of the stab wounds was fatal. This is perhaps to be expected when one considers the character of the cowardly, effeminate conspirators when compared to the virile, manly Great Leader’s.
And so our champion is dead. He had seen how the so-called Roman Republic had become dysfunctional. The Senate was paralyzed by partisanship. The central government was weak. Political corruption spiraled out of control and the people suffered without any health care.
Our Great Leader saw all of this and took the reigns of power. He helped the lower classes by taxing the one percent. He made his one-man rule the most benevolent in the history of the world.
He destroyed the old Republican form of government. I’m sure my readers will agree that no one mourns the death of the old Republic. For what good is so-called Republicanism if it means the government suffers from partisan paralysis and cannot provide its citizens with a social welfare safety net?
Our Dear Leader, whose intellect shined among the stars, realized this and brought about many admirable reforms. All the elite agree on this.
But the bitter clingers could not abide by this. Jealous of Dear Leader’s natural abilities they cowardly assassinated him, allegedly to restore our so-called Republic.
I call upon the citizens of Rome to rise up and assassinate these cowardly conspirators!
Et Manhattan Infideli (628)