When the news broke that there was a foiled bombing attempt of the Federal Reserve building in New York City the journalist juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.
From my crisis station at Fitzgerald’s Pub I ordered six more pints. And some chicken wings. Then I put Journey on the jukebox because, hey, this was a crisis and beer, chicken wings and Journey help calm me. Ten pints later
closing time I had gathered the facts, which were these:
A 21-year old male from Pakistan had been arrested for trying to remotely detonate what he believed was a 1000-pound bomb in a van parked outside the Federal Reserve building.
Since the only thing known about the suspect was that he was Pakistani many in the mainstream media remain confused as to his motive. Was it a Youtube video? Irritable bowel syndrome? Psoriasis?
With an eye towards helping my comrades in the mainstream media I now present the official Middle Eastern Man Arrested for Bomb Plot but We’re Still Confused as to his Motive Template.
A Pakistani man was arrested for
- Trying to blow up Times Square.
- Trying to blow up the Federal Reserve building.
- Trying to blow up a plane.
- We’re not sure what he was arrested for but we’re pretty sure the NYPD is racist.
Early reports indicate that his motives were
- Possibly related to his outrage over Republican opposition to President Obama’s health care reform.
- He’s innocent. We’re pretty sure the arrest was part of some NYPD stop and frisk policy which as we know is inherently racist.
- Whatever this attractive, articulate young man’s motives were they had absolutely nothing to do with his religious beliefs. I mean who even knows what the religion in Pakistan is? I’m guessing Buddhist. And even if he did happen to be Muslim that would not be a motive because as we know Islam is the Religion of Peace.
Okay, so maybe he’s Muslim after all. But Jihad could not possibly be the motive behind the bombing. There must be some other reason. And we’re just speculating here but maybe
- This devout man (possibly Muslim) was disturbed by all the women walking around without uncircumcised clitorises.
- I mean, think about it. Uncircumcised clitorises are a symptom of the decadence of Infidel western culture. This devout man (possibly Muslim but more likely Buddhist) was pained by Vaginal supremacy.
- Some Jew banker tricked him into a bad mortgage and he was in danger of foreclosure.
- He was set up by the racist NYPD. He was actually attempting to defuse the so-called bomb when the racist NYPD broke down his door and beat him. Because that’s what the NYPD do to peoples of color.
As an American I feel guilty and ashamed that this bright, articulate, handsome young man has been unjustly charged with an offense. What can I do to help?
- Vote Democrat.
- Convert to this young man’s religion (whatever that is but we’re pretty sure it’s Hindu or Buddhist or Taoist or something.)
- Call up your local Pakistani consulate and apologize for American racism, hate-filled Christianity and so-called “First Amendment” rights which, as we all know, are just an excuse to make hate-filled Youtube videos.
- Vote Democrat. (I know I already said this but it cannot be stressed too much: voting Democrat washes one clean of one’s sinful disregard of social justice.)
And there you have it. May we all live in peace and harmony. Now who wants to join me in a few choruses of Kumbaya? (1648)