Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to my readers a character who has been much in the news lately, the one and only Big Bird himself.
MI: Good morning Big Bird. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
BB: Hi. I’m Big Bird. I’m a friend of Kermit’s. We both live on Sesame Street.
MI: Um. Yeah. Listen my readers would like to know if you have any reaction to finding yourself an issue in the middle of the Presidential campaign?
BB: Oh I like Presidents. I once met Mrs. Nixon and President Nixon in the White House.
MI: Yeah that’s nice. Anyway -
BB: It’s important for the kids to learn about how our country works.
MI: Yes, very important. Now -
BB: I live on Sesame Street. I’m a friend of Kermit.
MI: Yes. You mentioned that.
BB: We’re all friends on Sesame Street.
MI: Yeah, great.
BB: Would you like to live on Sesame Street?
MI: Enough of this crap. Do you have any reaction to Mitt Romney wanting to cut your funding?
BB: Say again?
MI: Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate said in the debate last week that he would cut funding to PBS. Any comments?
BB: That f*cking Mormon c*cksucker. If he cuts my funding I’ll send Luca Brasi to talk to him.
BB: Luca Brasi. He’s kind of Sesame Street’s enforcer. It’s a dangerous world and Big Bird has to look out after his interests. Luca…..Luca, come over here. I have a job for you. [Luca Brasi enters]
LB: Don Big Bird,
MI: What the hell’s he talking about?
BB: I don’t know. He’s been going on like that for years. Listen Luca, this guy here wants to cut my funding. You know what to do, don’t you?
LB: Cut his horse’s head off? Cut his throat?
BB: That’ll do for starters.
MI: Wait a minute. I don’t want to cut your funding. I’m a member of the mainstream media. I work for the Democrats. We want to increase your funding.
LB: Manhattan Infidel, you have crossed Big Bird. And one thing must be understood. I would never go against the Godfather. Big Bird is a man I respect. [He throws a horse's head at Manhattan Infidel.]
MI: What the? I don’t even own a horse. Where’d you get that?
BB: We keep extras just in case. Now take him out back Luca and kill him!
MI: Wait….wait…you can’t kill me. I have friends. Friends in high places. They will come looking for me.
[Manhattan Infidel is dragged kicking and screaming out of the room.]
MI: No! No! Tell Olivia Wilde I love her!
BB: F*cking punk.
The blogger known as Manhattan Infidel has mysteriously disappeared. If anyone reading this knows of his whereabouts, well keep it to yourselves, Capish? Now why don’t you behave yourselves. F*cking punks. (164)