We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel have a two-fold mission: To report the news and analyze and make sense of the events. As it says right here in my mission statement card:
Hello. If I have handed you this card I am disorientated and possibly not wearing pants. All your base are belong to us. Do you like candy?
Um. This must be the wrong mission statement card. But anyway, we do have a mission. And in keeping with this mission I will attempt to make sense of the recent rash of American Embassy stormings in the Muslim world. There can be only one explanation: Embassy Ball!
Muslims have no doubt discovered that soccer is about as slow moving and boring as the last X-Files movie. They are spontaneously creating a new game that will be more exciting and speak to Muslim sensibilities. I have obtained the rules for this “Embassy Ball” using my highly-developed investigative skills. For you see, undercover investigations are also part of the mission statement of Manhattan Infidel. As it says plainly on my other mission statement card:
Hello. If I have handed you this card it is because I broke into your home and pleasured myself while sniffing your clothes. I apologize. I thought this was Wink Martindale’s home. Do you like candy?
Um. Again. Wrong mission statement card. Anyway, onto the rules of Embassy Ball!
The offensive team in Embassy Ball (“Muslims“) shall be composed of no less than 12 and no more than 24 rioters. The rioters will have 90 minutes (divided into two periods of 45 minutes each) to scale the walls of an American embassy and/or consulate.
For each offensive player that scales a wall the offense shall be awarded six points.
If an offensive player scales an embassy wall and succeeds in killing the American ambassador the offensive team shall be awarded an extra point.
Six points will be awarded for the first ten offensive players to scale the embassy wall. If any offensive players after that scale the embassy wall the aforementioned team shall be awarded a penalty for “piling on.”
If the offensive team succeeds in scaling the embassy walls and dragging the dead body of the American ambassador through the streets said team will be awarded a first-round bye in that season’s playoffs.
If the offensive team succeeds in breaching the compound by firing rocket-propelled grenades, such breach shall be considered a reaction to an insult against the prophet and not a pre-coordinated terrorist attack.
The defensive team in Embassy Ball (“Godless Jew bloodsucking infidels“) shall be composed of not less than one and not more than four frightened, overwhelmed, understaffed and completely unarmed Americans.
The defensive team will be prohibited from defending themselves with weapons. If the aforementioned team is discovered to be hiding weapons they shall be assessed a penalty and lose a first round draft choice.
The defensive team’s only weapons shall be surrender and/or historical apologies for America’s treatment of Muslims through the centuries.
The defensive team shall be assessed a penalty if they do not surrender.
The defensive team shall be assessed a penalty if any of their members are alive at the end of regulation.
If at the end of regulation the offensive team has not succeeded in scaling the embassy walls the game shall go into “Extra-Time.“ During Extra-Time, and only during Extra-Time, the offensive team shall be authorized to use suicide bombers.
If the offensive team uses a suicide bomber during regulation they shall not be penalized, as the use of said bomber is the quite understandable rage of Muslims contemplating their centuries-long historical grievances against the United States of America.
And there you have it readers. The official rules of “Embassy Ball.” And those are the facts, because I only report the facts. As it says in my other mission statement card:
Hello. If I have handed you this card it is because I broke into your Honda Civic and had sex in the back seat with a possibly infectious Albanian. I apologize. I thought it was Wink Martindale’s Honda Civic.
Damn. Wrong mission statement card. (91)