“When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.” ~ The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence
There is a new sheriff in the Big Apple. And unlike our current sheriff, Lord Bloombergdouche, our new sheriff will let his subjects drink 32-ounce Big Gulps. And who is the new sheriff? Why Raul Ibanez of course. On a soggy, misty night in the Bronx (I prefer to think of the mist as the tears of the Red Sox Nation) the Yankees faced the last place Boston Red Sox. The Yankees started David Phelps (4-4 3.34) and the last place Red Sox started John Lester (9-14 4.94).
Raul Ibanez once killed a man just by looking at him!
The Red Sox got on the board with two runs in the top of the first. Jacob Ellsbury led off with a single and then scored when Dustin Pedroia doubled. Pedroia then went to third when Daniel Nava grounded out to first base. Pedroia then scored on a Cody Ross sacrifice fly. 2-0 Red Sox after one.
Raul Ibanez once defeated a Cylon in hand-to-hand combat!
In the bottom of the second Curtis Granderson singled and reached second on a throwing error by third basemen Pedro Ciriaco. He then scored on an Eduardo Nunez single. 2-1 Red Sox after two.And that’s how the score stayed until the ninth inning. Joe Girardi brought in Rafael “Head Case” Soriano, who apparently can only pitch effectively in save situations. Soriano proceeded to give up a home run to the first batter he faced, James Loney. 3-1 Red Sox after 8 1/2. Things were looking tense in Yankeeland, especially as the Orioles had beaten Tampa Bay 1-0.
Raul Ibanez once traveled back in time to tell Union troops where John Wilkes Booth was hiding out! Why? Because he can!
And now it was time for the legend to become fact.
In the bottom of the ninth Curtis Granderson led off with a single. Raul Ibanez was brought in to pinch hit for Eduardo Nunez. Ibanez then hit a home run to deep right tying the score. The Yankees had a chance to end it but despite a Derek Jeter double, an intentional walk to Nick Swisher and a walk to Alex Rodriguez leaving the bases loaded failed to bring in the winning run. 3-3 after nine innings.
On to extra innings.
The score remained knotted until the bottom of the twelfth.
Raul Ibanez once battled Godzilla, defeated him, and ate him!
In the bottom of the twelfth “Marky” Mark Teixeira grounded out 6-3. Robinson Cano then struck out. Two outs. Will it go to a 13th inning? Will the Red Sox nation get another chance to win? Eric Chavez walked and was lifted for pinch runner Francisco Cervelli. Curtis Granderson then walked. Runners on first and second and Raul Ibanez was coming to bat.
Raul Ibanez can break the sound barrier with his mind!
Raul Ibanez stared at Boston relief pitcher Andrew Miller. Beads of sweat poured down Miller’s face. He knew about Ibanez. He knew the feats Ibanez had done. And he feared him.
The wind-up. The delivery. Ibanez swings. A bloop single past shortstop Jose Iglesias. Francisco Cervelli, my second favorite Venezuelan, comes running home and literally plops onto home plate. Calling it a slide would be charitable.
Yankees win 4-3.
Derek Lowe (who pitched the 11th and 12th) got the win (9-11 5.11) and Andrew Miller got the loss for Boston (3-2 3.35). The Yankees maintain a one-game lead over Baltimore.Tomorrow, the final game of the regular season, will determine who wins the AL East. If the Yankees win, they win the division. If they lose and Baltimore loses they also win. But if they lose and Baltimore wins then they travel to Baltimore for the tie-breaker.
Raul Ibanez once walked across the Atlantic Ocean on the backs of those he’s defeated. Why? Because he’s Ibanez, dammit!
And so I finish my regular season with a record of 10-4. I already have my tickets to the ALDS, ALCS and World Series. Depending on who gets home field advantage I might not be able to go to the Division and Championship series because of my work schedule but my tickets to the World Series are for game five which is on a Monday night. I will be able to go to that.
Now the Yankees have to do their part and advance like “crap through a goose”, to quote George Patton.
Raul Ibanez once battled a giant squid in the depths of the sea and strangled it. He then used the squid as seat cushions in his limousine.
Go Yankees! See you in the playoffs!
Oh, and Bahstahn sawks cack!
And finally, for Innominatus, my scorecard.