Popular entertainment personality Stretch Armstrong is dead. His torso was found alongside a note that said, “Is this all there is?” His arms and legs were found 50 yards away. His head has of yet not been found. Stretch came to fame in the 1970s when he discovered at a local gym. Said his first manager:
I noticed everyone at the gym was watching this one guy. So I came over to take a look. Damn if he hadn’t stretched his body five times its original size. His legs and arms were, goddamn, must have been six feet long. I immediately signed him to a long-term contract.
From there it was instant success for the likable Stretch, who found himself a hero to young boys. Stretch would make personal appearances at middle schools and give lectures on the importance of staying in school and stretching. He would end all his lectures by inviting boys up on stage and uttering his catchphrase, “Now stretch me!” The boys chosen to come up on stage would then pull his arms and legs until Armstrong was stretched out to his maximum limit.
Occasionally Stretch would develop a tear in one of his limbs. “We always had some adhesive tape ready just in case” said his manager. ”I’d just tape him back up again and he was ready to go for the next town.”
At the height of his fame in the ’70s Stretch was more popular with kids than Aerosmith and Led Zeppelin combined.
Stretch was given a Saturday morning children’s show entitled “Stretch Battles the Nonstretchers” where every week he would save the world from the forces of evil by using his stretching powers.
“Stretch for Justice!” he would yell before vanquishing the bad guys.
But at the height of his fame it all came crashing down.
Lonely and unable to establish lasting relationships with women, Stretch would frequent prostitutes. It was during one such assignation that he was caught in a sting.
The videotape of Stretch asking the prostitute to “Stretch it. Oh yeah baby. Stretch likes it when you stretch it” became an internet sensation.
Fired from his children’s show and needing money Stretch would travel from county fair to county fair asking people to “stretch him.”
“He wasn’t very popular” said one fair organizer. “He was looked at as a novelty more than anything else.”
Eventually he even lost that work after getting into an altercation with a nine-year old who kept asking him if he was Hulk Hogan.
“I’m not f*cking Hulk Hogan” he screamed before punching the kid.
Convicted and sent to prison, when Stretch got out he found that the world had forgotten him.
Depressed and broke and holed up in a seedy motel the end came quickly. His body was discovered by a maid.
“We believe he stretched himself to death” said a detective.
The cause of death is officially ruled a suicide.