With the news that Muslims have once again stormed embassies and killed Americans, prompting an apology from President Obama, it is time for some historical perspective.
Presidential apologies are nothing new and have been handed down since the days of the slave-holding George Washington. In the interest of Truthiness with a Touch of Mint™ I present to my readers a sampling of said Presidential apologies.
October 22, 1962
During the height of the cold war, offensive nuclear weapons were discovered on the island of Cuba. That night, President Kennedy addressed a nervous nation.
This Government, as promised, has maintained the closest surveillance of the Soviet military buildup on the island of Cuba. I don’t want to suggest that we were monitoring the island to spy. You must remember, the Cuban peoples have legitimate historical grievances against the United States.
No, my fellow Americans. We were monitoring Cuba because we want to help.
Therefore, it shall be the policy of this Nation to regard any nuclear missile launched from Cuba against any nation in the Western Hemisphere as a purely defensive measure aimed at maintaining their rich cultural heritage. And who can blame them? Now I have to pop some pills and screw a mafia woman. What? We’re still on the air?
December 8, 1941
The day after the purely defensive attack on Pearl Harbor President Roosevelt addressed an all-white congress.
Yesterday, December 7, 1941, a day filled with man-caused disasters, the United States was deliberately attacked by the Empire of Japan, which was, after all, just retaliating for its many historical grievances against America.
And I’m sorry that we have hurt the feeling of the Japanese. Really sorry.
So instead of going to war, which would be racist, I propose that we give back to our communities. Plant a tree or something. That would be the best way to remember those who drowned on the West Virginia or the Arizona.
Now I have to go pop some pills and screw my secretary. What? This microphone is still on?
September 14, 1901
On September 6th, 2001 President William McKinley was shot in Buffalo, New York by the anarchist Leon Czolgosz. Lingering for a week, he addressed the country before dying.
My fellow Americans. I have been shot. And it really, really hurts.
But before I die let me take this opportunity to ask America to forgive the anarchist who shot me. After all, anarchists have many legitimate historical grievances against the United States and our capitalist system.
I propose that my death be used as an opportunity to create a new anti-capitalist movement. An “Occupy” movement, if you will. Let this Occupy movement storm Wall Street and – whoops. I’m dead.
June 30th, 1876
On June 26th, 1976 George Armstrong Custer and his entire command were killed at the Battle of Little Bighorn. A few days later, by telegraph, President Grant addressed the nation.
I know many of you want vengeance. But we must remember that the Cheyenne and Arapaho have legitimate historical grievances against the white man.
So instead I hereby officially apologize to the native Americans for European war and sickness.
Oh hell who am I kidding. Custer was an idiot and got what he deserved. Goddamn it someone bring me some whiskey! And a cigar too!
What? You’re still transmitting over the wires?
So you see readers, Presidential apologies are nothing new. They are a time-honored American tradition.
My only hope is that we never run out of people to apologize to because if we do then we’re going to have to find another way to hate ourselves. (47)